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Going Out While You're On Top
2006-11-27 23:22:00
So, I just learned that my blog was awarded the prestigious "Bestest Blog of the Day" award!! This is more awesome than if scientists discovered that chocolate was a vegetable! Well, almost. Anyway, I'll just like to thank the Academy (a.k.a., Bobby) for this award. Naturally, this honour comes as a complete surprise (but luckily, I just happened to have this little speech prepared). First off, I would just like to thank my Lord and Eternal Homeslice, Jesus, for making this all possible...thanks dawg! Then special thanks goes out to Lizza, for her most excellent review on Bestest Blog! Of course I simply have to mention L>T, who has been the most rediculously awesome blog buddy a cerebrally inclined, mildly misanthropic, phallically gifted philosopher could ask for! (That's right Lizza, I do say so myself!) A special shout-out to mist1, a woman whose wit rivals that of the gods. Then there is the uncanny mizfit, the cynics (both cheery and cheerful), and a scient
Read more: Going

Silly Rabbit...
2006-11-23 07:42:00
Okay, so its been a while. Missed me? Truth is, I've been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a used car dealership. Let's see, there have been trips to the Scottish highlands, a visit to the Netherlands, beginning chapter 3 of my dissertation. And let's not forget my discovery of the Higgs boson, successful formulation of a grand field theory and, most importantly, my proving conclusively that Trix really are for kids. And in case you're wondering, the formal proof* looks like this: ~(C) {premise (ex hypothesi)} {(A) ^ (B)} > (C) {premise} (Kids) > (B) {premise} (Rabbit s) > (A) {premise} (Kids) {premise} ~ {(A) ^ (B)} {from (i) and (ii), by modus tollens} {~(A) ∨ ~(B)} {from (vi), by De Morgan's laws} (B) {from (iii) and (v), by modus ponens} ~(A){from (vii) and (viii), by disjunctive syllogism}} Therefore: ~(Rabbits) {from (iv) and
Read more: Silly

Show Some Love!
2006-11-08 09:55:00
Apart from my whole Penis Advertising campaign, I don't generally feature promos on my blog. However, I believe an exception is called for in the case of the woman who did me the favour of bringing me into the world (please don't hate her, she had know way of knowing!) Although a lawyer by training, my mom has decided to use her powers for good rather than evil; and has recently returned to her true passion - the visual arts! So I'm asking you to show some love by visiting her new online art gallery: http://www.CanvasPaperandStone.com . Also, you can now enter a FREE drawing to WIN a framed print, by simply completing the survey on the home page . But hurry... the survey competition ends on November 20, 2006. Note: Prices and participation may vary. Void where prohibited.* *(okay, so that last bit isn't true; I just thought it sounded cool.)


All Alone
2006-11-01 10:33:01
As you may have already guessed, I got into philosophy primarily for the money and women. But why didn't someone warn me about just how solitary the life of a philosophy postgrad could be. I don't think I've felt this lonely since elementary school. Back then, my only companions were my two imaginary friends, Elma and Capt. Amazing. What's worse, they only played with each other. But at least I still have my books. Ah, my books.


Making Baby Jesus Cry
2006-10-30 09:47:00
So, I finally received my first Christian hate-mail (see second to last comment). Well, it's about bloody time! I mean, really. I've been working hard for over a year now to make this blog as religiously intolerant and offensive as I could, with descriptions of atheists eating the flesh of Christian babies to blasphemous references to Jesus 's milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard. And yet, not a single outraged reader has commented on what a sick twisted f*ck I am...that is, of course, until now. Okay, so maybe I'm overstating things a wee bit. The person in question (though her identity shall remain anonymous) was very polite and respectful (like any true child of God should be), and simply wished to voice her reservations about my frequent references to sex on this blog. Naturally, I have no clue what she's talking about. Me, make reference to sex? Okay, so maybe the words "penis" and "vagina" have appeared on my blog a couple times, but is that any reason t


Marriage...In the Abstract
2006-10-19 11:10:00
Now I have no problem with abstract entities such as numbers, goodness or God. In fact, as a professional philosopher I pretty much spend most of my time explaining to people why the first two exist and the last one doesn't. Moreover, some of my best friends are abstracts (like my psychic ex-girlfriend who broke up with me two months before we met). But when it comes to making practical life-changing decisions, mere abstracts have little place. For example, I've often heard single women talk about how much they want to get married. They don't have any specific candidate in mind, but they simply want to get married...in the abstract. There's just something about the concept of marriage, that makes them want to spend the rest of their lives trying to attain it (very much like the way I feel about vaginas). Of course, I should hasten to add, the desire to get married is certainly not limited to women. Why, King Solomon was a man and he pretty much holds the world record for
Read more: Abstract

Hans Landsteiner (Part 2)
2006-10-16 18:39:00
Stop: If you have not already read All About Edwin Longwickle's Friend, Hans Landsteiner (Part 1) , you should do so before reading the present instalment. Failure to comply with these instructions may give rise to confusion, dizziness, vomiting and impotence. However, tragedy struck when Hans's biological father dropped by for a surprise visit and was promptly accosted, covered in cheese and eaten by Han's roommate. The unfortunate eating deeply affected Hans, who vowed from that day forward to fight in defence of vegetable rights. Odd enough, it was also around this time that Hans developed an acute allergic reaction to cotton. His psychiatrist prescribed pills for his condition, but he could never seem to get them out of the bottle. This proved to be a great inconvenience, particularly since Hans's aunt Betty (on his father's side) was a cotton plant. Every time she came over for a visit, Hans would turn red and swell up like a turnip (and on more than one occasio


All About Longwickle's Friend, Hans Landsteiner (Part 1)
2006-10-07 10:20:00
No less fascinating than the life of Edwin Longwickle, was that of his best friend and colleague, Hans Landsteiner. Hans was born in the small town of Fucking in Upper Austria (I swear that's the name of an actual town, I'm not making this up), and is generally believed to be the son of Hanna and Jonas Landsteiner. As a child, Hans was both a bed-wetter and sleep-walker; urinating in up to twelve different beds in a single night. A local psychologist diagnosed his chronic bed-wetting as stemming from childhood trauma, no doubt suffered when he accidentally walked in on his mother having sex with a head of broccoli. Things only grew worse shortly thereafter when his mother announced at a family gathering that Jonas Landsteiner wasn't Hans's real father. Hans, who already faced the challenge of being half Jewish in an era plagued by anti-Semitism, was now forced to come to terms with being half vegetable as well. The revelation shocked all in attendance, prompting Jonas's in


Animals Are Just Like People...That You Can Eat!
2006-10-02 15:23:00
Diane's stepsister, Jen, is visiting St. Andrews this week. A month ago She joined P e TA and since then she has been trying to bully me into becoming a vegetarian. This morning I asked her if we aren't supposed to eat animals, how come they're made of meat? She didn't find my question amusing. She said that what really made me a jerk wasn't the fact that I enjoyed killing God's creatures, but that I didn't feel sorry about it. I told her that she was right, and that I felt just awful about my total lack of remorse. Surprisingly, Jen and I have never really got along. It's not that we don't share any of the same convictions. (For example, I've always been against animal testing, especially since they inevitably get nervous and give the wrong answers.) It's just that I've never been a big fan of Activism. In fact, once I even joined a group against picketing, but we couldn't figured out how to show it.
Read more: Animals

Happy Birthday To Me
2006-09-28 12:34:00
Birthday s are when we all celebrate the fact that we've made it another twelve months without dying. It should therefore come as no surprise that I consider the birthdays of blacks a much more impressive accomplishment than that of whites. Why, just this morning I was listening to the weather report and it said clear sunny skies, except if you were black, in which case you could expect thunderstorms and a freak tornado. When I was younger, I would always wish I could live to be the oldest person on earth. But that was before I learned that the title is actually cursed. I mean, haven't you noticed that every time someone is declared the oldest person on earth, they die like within a year or so! Now that I'm only two years short of three decades old, I'm crossing that ephemeral line between young adult and adult adult. (That's where you still want to eat fruit loops, but at the same time you're concerned about its fibre content.)
Read more: Happy , Happy Birthday

Shout-Out to My Homeslice, L-Nizzy*
2006-09-27 00:02:00
So I'm finally back in kilt country. I know for a while it seemed like I wasn't coming back, but I had some biz-nez to take care of. What kind of biz-nez you ask? Well, none of yours. Unfortunately, I was so excited to be back that I forgot my luggage on the plane. I can't begin to tell you how embarrassing it was walking through the airport with all my clothes and things in my hands. Then there is the utterly depressing ritual of changing my US currency to pounds. America may be the only remaining superpower on the planet, but the dollar is still the pound's bitch! Finally, as I exited the Edinburgh airport, I was greeted by the shrill cacophony of the McCloud Bagpipe Band; a clan of twelve skirt wearing men who derive sadistic delight from musically assaulting hapless passengers exiting the terminal. Naturally, this immediately took me back to my days as a wee lad growing up in the Caribbean islands (it is a little known fact, but bagpipes have long been a central part of Car


Pfizer's New Penis Advertising Campaign: Got Dick?
2006-09-13 23:36:00
Ladies,Are you anxious? Do you have problems sleeping? Are the many stresses of life getting you down? Then perhaps it's time to try Penis . Clinical studies have shown that women who regularly use Penis lead longer, less stressful and more emotionally fulfilling lives. Penis has been shown to trigger the release of oxytocin (also known as the "cuddle chemical'), which heightens feelings of affection and the production of mood enhancing endorphins. Other benefits of Penis include improved sense of smell, cardiovascular health, increased amounts of immunoglobulin antibodies that ward off disease and (if used strategically) lifelong financial security. Penis now comes in a wide variety of shapes, sizes and flavours—including French vanilla, butter pecan, hazelnut and dark chocolate. All Penises are specially designed for easy insertion into the orifice of your choice. Penis also comes with two small containers of our premium quality seminal cream, at no addition cost! Se
Read more: Pfizer , Advertising , Campaign

Sorry Dude, but the Rapture is Not an Exit Strategy
2006-09-11 11:59:00
It's been five years since 9/11 and there still hasn't been another major terrorist attack on US soil. What greater evidence do we need to show that Bush's strategy of sending our men and women to die 'over there' so they won't have a chance to die 'over here' is working? We would also do well to remember that there hasn't been another devastating hurricane in the United States since Katrina; no doubt further evidence of the success of Bush's war on terror! So what if Bin Laden is still free? So what if Iraq is a complete disaster, with upward of a hundred civilians dying every day? (Oh, and don't you dare call it a civil war! Why, that would be like calling a woman a prostitute just because she slept with men for money! You can't believe everything that guy Webster tells you, you know!) The point is, if we spend all our time thinking about the negative and being critical, we'll only miss all the good things. What good things, you ask? Well, for starters,
Read more: Rapture , Strategy

Statistically, One out of Every One Person will Die
2006-09-07 18:23:00
So the results from last week's check-up are finally back and it turns out I'm going to die. (Not necessarily anytime soon, but it's bound to happen eventually.) And thus ends my long futile bid for immortality. Now there is no need to worry, I'm not ill and the doctor assured me that I'm in normal physical condition for someone my age. But that's precisely the problem. Since most blokes my age are mortal, being normal (i.e., just like them) means I must be mortal too. I realise this may seem like a trivial matter to many, but I've long had my fingers crossed that somehow the first law of thermodynamics didn't apply to me. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I think I'm special or anything; it's just that I happ en to be severely allergic to dying. Unsurprisingly, this has put me in a rather sour mood. I feel grumpy, hungry, sleepy…hell, I'm all seven dwarfs combined! Take it from me, there's nothing that takes the taste out of peanut butte
Read more: Statistically

All About Edwin Longwickle (Part 3)
2006-08-31 17:22:00
Stop: If you have not already read All About Edwin Longwickle (Part 2), you should do so before reading the present instalment. Failure to comply with these instructions may give rise to confusion, dizziness, vomiting and impotence. Longwickle is perhaps best known for his attempt to use Hubble's theory of an expanding universe to explain why it is so difficult to locate one's car in a supermarket parking lot. But what really put Longwickle on the scientific map was his two hundred page opus in which he argued that strange quarks were not so much strange as they were misunderstood. Unfortunately, these views rendered Longwickle persona non grata in the eyes of a myopic scientific community that had little tolerance for novel ideas. Estranged from the British scholarly establishment, Longwickle relocated across the pond, where he became an active member of American intellectual and political life. Quickly distinguishing himself as part of the Manhattan intelligencia, Long
Read more: Edwin Longwickle

How I'm Not Bringing Sexy Back
2006-08-28 00:05:00
My doctor asked me if I engaged in sexual intercourse in the last seven days. I explained to him that it wasn't my birthday for another month. My girlfriend, Diane, doesn't really have a problem sleeping with me; it's just the sex she can't stand. Apart from our love-life, D iane is perfectly content to be with me. She said that her only regret, as far as our relationship is c oncerned, is that she wasn't da ting someone else. Things were much better when I was dating that Chinese girl from down the hall; the only problem with her was that e very time I w ent down on her I woul d end up needing to go d own on her again an hour later.
Read more: Sexy Back

All About Edwin Longwickle (Part 2)
2006-08-25 15:00:00
Stop: If you have not already read All About Edwin Longwickle (Part 1), you should do so before reading the present instalment. Failure to comply with these instructions may give rise to confusion, dizziness, vomiting and impotence. Longwickle always dreamed of becoming an astronomer, but lacked the financial means necessary to pay for his education. However, in an unexpected stroke of luck, Longwickle won a full tuition scholarship to Cambridge for his uncanny ability to chew gum, juggle three bowling balls, and dance the Macarena, all at once. While at Cambridge, he befriended an Austrian by the name of Hans Landsteiner, who like Longwickle had a childhood full of the kind of hard knocks that gangsta rap lyrics are made of. One day, after his father left for work, young Hans walked in on his mother having sex with a head of broccoli. It was then that his mother divulged the awful truth that Mr. Landsteiner wasn't his real father. Hans, who already had to deal with being half J
Read more: Edwin Longwickle

What's Up With the Comment Moderation?
2006-08-24 11:15:00
Unfortunately the comment moderation is a necessary measure given all the women that try to post nude pics of themselves on my blog in a desperate attempt to win my affection (and quite frankly, pork will become the other white meat in Iraq before I stand for that kind of thing on my blog!). Hey, stop snickering…it could happen! (sigh)
Read more: Comment , Moderation

All About Edwin Longwickle (Part 1)
2006-08-22 19:53:00
Little is known about the early life of the noted astronomer and scientific maverick, Edwin Longwickle. But this much is certain: Longwickle was a person who came from a long line of people. Originally named Benjamin Rupert Longwickle, after his grandmother, he eventually changed his first name to Edwin, in honour of his chief scientific inspiration, Edwin Hubble. When he was only four, Longwickle's father died under mysterious circumstances shortly after being run over by a lorry. A two-year investigation was conducted by local law-enforcement, but the exact cause of his father's death remains unknown. Widowed at the tender age of twenty three, Longwickle's mother, Elizabeth Longwickle, was forced to raise young Edwin and his twelve siblings on her own (a task that remained quite difficult even after she donated six of the children to scientific research). However, from entries in her private diary it is now clear that Elizabeth Longwickle later came to regret her decision to
Read more: Edwin Longwickle

The Truth About Werewolves
2006-08-18 18:11:00
Larry: We have on our show tonight, Kevin P. Howard. Kevin is the grandson of the famous werewolf, Scott Howard, on whose life the movie Teen Wolf was loosely based. Kevin is an outspoken preternatural rights activist and founder of People Against the Defamation of Lycans. Welcome Kevin. Werewolf: Thanks Larry, I'm glad to be here. Larry: Now, unless I'm mistaken, you're just one of the thousands of werewolves now living in the United States . Is that correct? Werewolf: Yes. But we prefer to be called Lycan-Americans. Larry: Oh, my apologies. So, you insist that werewol…Lycan-Americans are greatly misunderstood. Werewolf: That's right Larry. Thanks to the negative portrayals of lycans by the media and news outlets, Hollywood horror-films, and the smear campaign led by vampire supremacists, we lycans have been receiving a bad rap for centuries! However, the stereotype of lycans as bloodthirsty beasts that engage in deviant criminal
Read more: Truth , Werewolves

That's Mr Big Stuff to You!
2006-08-14 15:47:00
I've been posting on this blog for almost a year now and no one pays any attention. But I make a single reference to the enormity of my phallus and suddenly everyone thinks I'm a comedic genius on loan from God! But did it occur to anyone that that was not supposed to be a joke? One of the few positives of being a black male today is the luxury of having one's genitalia likened to that of certain members of the equine family…so please don't take that away from me! (And now that I've pushed the struggle against racial stereotyping back 40 years I can return to working on my college-level math problemset....Damn, where's an Asian when you need one?).


Guns Don't Kill People, Liquids Do!
2006-08-11 01:03:00
Despite the combined efforts of Jesus (See: Jesus's Match.com Profile) and our beloved president, the terror alert level has once again been raised to orange. About two dozen terrorists, with alleged ties to al-Qaeda, were stopped in Heathrow carrying enough gatorade to bring down a Boeing 747! Now the Department of Homeland Security has issued a list of items not allowed in airline carry-on:All sports drinks and containers with liquids (with the exception of baby bottles and lactating women)Hairsprays, hair gels and flammable hair extensionsElectric toothbrushes and other battery operated vibrating instruments (sorry ladies, but you have to leave the rabbit at home)Toiletry items including toothpaste, mouthwash, concentrated hydrochloric acid and French percussion grenades. Muthafuckin snakes!


My First REAL Blog Post
2006-08-07 17:02:00
A number of individuals have been demanding that I post more frequently (okay, so maybe it was more like one person…but who's counting?) and what can be a greater affirmation of one's self-worth than to learn that someone actually wants to hear more about your day-to-day life (apart from being told what a freakishly large penis you have)? However, I never intended for this blog to feature daily confessional postings because that would only make it start sounding like its some sort of…blog! The truth is that I secretly detest the burgeoning new blog culture (yes, I'm a self-hating blogger) and I would like to think I have much more fun sophisticated things to do besides rattling on about the banality that is my life. Is that a contradiction? No. (Don't argue with me, I'm a philosopher.) And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.
Read more: First , Blog Post

Jesus's Match.com Profile
2006-08-01 10:53:00
Tagline: Hey Ladies, I'm the answer to your prayers…literally! I am: Man Son of God Seeking: Woman Between ages: 19-23 About Me: First name: Jesus Last name: Christ Middle initial: H. Ethnicity: Middle Eastern Languages: Aramaic, Hebrew, Spanglish Body type: A few extra pounds (after the resurrection, it was pretty much down hill) Height: 5'5" (165.1cms) Religion: Formerly Jewish (recent convert to Scientology) Body art: P iercings Exercise Exorcise habits: 3-4 demons per week (usually into a nearby herd of pigs) Daily diet: Loaves and fish Drink: Social drinker, mostly at weddings Smoke: Chronic (how do you think I came up with all those awesome parables!) Interests: Dining out, Walking on water, Movies and art exhibits, Looking fabulous, Being thanked by gangsta-rap
Read more: Match

Breakfast Cereal 101
2006-07-28 11:17:00
This morning, while I was pouring myself a bowl of multi-grain Cheerios, I made a tragic mistake; in a brief absent-minded moment I miscalculated the "float-factor'! What is the float-factor you ask? The float-factor refers to the phenomenon where, as you pour milk into a bowl of cereal, the cereal rises, concealing the milk, and consequently making it difficult to accurately determine whether one has achieved the correct milk-to-cereal ratio. The upshot is that one may unwittingly find oneself in violation of Article 114 of the International Cornflakes Convention (ICC), the prohibition against eating cereal with a disproportionate amount of milk. Many of my readers may be unfamiliar with the ICC (or what has come to be called the "Cereal Code'), so let me briefly spell out the essentials. Most breakfast cereals fall into two classes. First, there are the flake-type cereals, which manifest low milk-displacement relative to their mass. As a result, flake-type cereals have com
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Superman: Illegal Alien?
2006-07-19 02:49:00
By Nubian NerdBBC News WASHINGTON, DC—The recent Whitehouse crackdown on illegal immigration has called attention to perhaps the most arrant illegal alien of them all: Superman ! Fleeing his home planet of Krypton, the soi-disant "Man of Steel' crash-landed somewhere in the heartlands of rural Kansas. However, as Senate Majority leader Bill Frist observed before the House on Wednesday, "Superman crossed our galactic borders without going through the proper legal channels. He was never issued a visa or green card and it is believed that he continues to reside on American soil without appropriate documentation. We consider this conduct anything but super!" "Superman threatens the livelihood of local superheroes," complains a livid Captain America. "He's stronger, faster and tougher than everyone else, and now he's putting us all out of work!" The Flash, who was recently relieved of his position in the Justice League after receiving a memo saying he had been render
Read more: Alien , Illegal Alien

Why My Face Hurts...
2006-07-02 13:12:00
Lately, I've been feeling as anxious as a cat's tail in a house full of rocking chairs. But the strange thing is that I'm not sure why. My therapist said that we philosophers tend to be very insecure. I suspect it may have something to do with how we are socialised. One of my colleagues said that his family has a longstanding tradition according to which the favourite son would become a doctor while the least favourite son would study philosophy. Can you imagine what growing up in such a home environment would do to one's self esteem? Fortunately my parents are equally proud and supportive of all their children. (Or at least that's what they told me the day my older brother graduated from medical school.) Nevertheless, I still find myself with about as much confidence as a 40-year-old ex-nun on her wedding night. Perhaps that explains why I tend to be so indecisive. Just this morning Diane wanted to know if I would prefer eggs or pancakes, and I simply couldn't make up my min


How PBS Changed My Life (For the Worse!)
2006-06-24 11:19:00
My eyes were glued to the television as I watched what was supposed to be a depiction of actual events. He approached her like an animal, like a predator stalking its prey. Then, when she seemed to least expect it, he jumped out from behind the bushes and knocked her to the ground. She struggled and tried to scream, but all her attempts to resist were futile. In minutes he had her by the throat, not with his hands (like any sane man) but with his mouth. Sinking his teeth into her neck, he severed her jugular artery. She struggled for a few seconds in a vein attempt to maintain her hold on the mortal coil. But slowly the life drained from her eyes and then, suddenly, her body went limp. But this was not a horror flick I was watching, a mere work of twisted fiction. This was a PBS documentary; and even at the age of six I knew the difference between "make-believe television' and "real-life television'. It was then that the awful truth came home to me. The truth that tige


Scientists Discover Eating is Good for You!
2006-06-11 11:00:00
By Nubian Nerd London Sunday Telegraph Zürich, CH —Swiss and German scientists have recently discovered that eating food is nutritionally beneficial. "Members of the scientific community have long assumed that eating is important for life" remarks Joseph Goldstein, winner of the1985 Nobel Prize in physiology and medicine. "But no one has ever demonstrated experimentally that this is so—that is until now!" The groundbreaking study, lead by biochemist Albert von Hohenheim and medical researcher Katherine Müller, took the form of an elaborate controlled experiment that utilised three sample groups, composed of twenty subjects each. The first group was provided with three balanced meals per day while the second group was provided with no meals and were carefully monitored to ensure they didn't eat anything within the thirty-day duration of the experiment. Hohenheim and Müller were surprised to discover that while the members of the f
Read more: Discover

Financial Woes
2006-05-30 13:33:00
My financial situation has been growing exponentially worse. Diane thinks it may have something to do with my gambling problem. I explained to her that I didn't have a "problem' since I could stop anytime I wanted. She didn't believe me so I asked if she was willing to make a small wager. As if my economic problems weren't bad enough, yesterday my therapist threatened that if I don't pay him soon he'll let me go mad.
Read more: Financial

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