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Saving All The Seats 2007-07-09 17:51:00 A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony." Read more:Saving
, Seats
Sarge & the new recruits 2007-07-07 18:02:00 One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
Mom's Present 2007-07-05 17:50:00 A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks." Read more:Present
Thursday Thirteen - How To Please Your I.T. Department 2007-07-12 17:47:00 (A quick check list for those who need to make contact)1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. Read more:Thursday
, Thirteen
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Last will & testament of a farmer 2007-07-14 18:04:00 I LEAVE: To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments. To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them. To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years. To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me. To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now. To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough. And lastly To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer
who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."
Airline Rage 2007-07-23 18:13:00 As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, Read more:Airline
TT - Thoughts on Aging 2007-07-26 18:10:00 - Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.- You know you're into middle age when you r Read more:Aging
Flies on a Log 2007-07-28 18:20:00 Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies
on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it. The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items. Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast." Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened. "Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
Reading of the Will 2007-08-04 18:11:00 The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death. "Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died." Read more:Reading
TT - Newspaper Ads 2007-08-02 18:09:00 As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.o No matter Read more:Newspaper
TT - The Redneck Dictionary Of Medical Terms 2007-08-09 18:08:00 Artery - The study of paintingsBacteria- Back door to cafeteriaBarium - What doctors do when patients dieCesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.Catscan - Searching for kittyCauterize - Made eye contact with her.Colic - A sheep dog.Coma - A punctuation mark.D&C - Where Washington is.Dilate - To live long.Enema - Not a friend.Fester - Quicker than someone else.Fibula - A small lie.Happy TT! Read more:Redneck
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, Terms
TT - She was so blonde that... 2007-08-16 18:07:00 ...she tripped over a cordless phone....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate". ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind....she got stabbed in a shoot-out....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it....she tried to drown a fish....she thought a quarterback was a refund....she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death....if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back....they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade....under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
Double Death!! 2007-08-18 18:09:00 A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?" "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
Are caterpillars good to eat? 2007-08-13 18:00:00 Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
Finding perfect men 2007-08-11 17:58:00 At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
TT - Cops Say the Darndest Things! 2007-08-23 18:40:00 #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir,
Did you see that? 2007-08-20 17:56:00 "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. " Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
TT - The Bible According to Kids 2007-08-30 18:39:00 The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. - Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. - Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. - The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. - Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. - Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. - Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. - The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. - Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments. - The first commandment was when Eve told
What was the problem 2007-08-27 18:38:00 Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Young and Foolish 2007-08-24 18:36:00 A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!" Read more:Foolish
TT - Think About It... 2007-09-27 17:34:00 - The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Never test the depth of the water with both feet. - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. - Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. - To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. - Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. - A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to re
Clocks 2007-09-23 17:53:00 A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks
. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's my congressman's clock?" asked the man. "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan!"
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