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Joke 89 1970-01-01 00:59:59 One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do
Joke 91 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward and continued, "
Joke 87 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
Joke 86 1970-01-01 00:59:59 In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "
Joke 94 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Fathers then & nowToday is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
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In 1900, a father's
Joke 88 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?" "I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!" "Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I wish every body in the world a VERY happy Christmas Day! May it bring everybody a lot of joy and happiness!
I'll try to help with a couple of Christmassy Jokes :)
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
How to confuse Santa:
1. Instead of milk and cookies,
Joke 2 1970-01-01 00:59:59 At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
Joke 96 1970-01-01 00:59:59 this was precisely my two - year - old cousin sister's reaction when i showed this to her. i had no idea this could be so explosive :)
Joke 97 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
Joke 98 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving
Joke 99 1970-01-01 00:59:59 CATTY PHYSICS !
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to
JOKE 100 - Happy New Year Folks! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 WOW! My 100th joke coincides with the 1st of Jan 2007! So here is a collection of the best jokes I've ever read...
Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my Read more:Happy
, Happy New Year
Joke 101 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion." The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The
Joke 102 1970-01-01 00:59:59 The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
Joke 103 1970-01-01 00:59:59 When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
Joke 104 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The stor eowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a
Joke 105 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Joke 106 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?"
But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and
Joke 107 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Dennis had a problem with getting up late in the morning and as a result, he was always late for work. His boss was getting very angry with him, and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about the problem. So Dennis went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it at night to help him sleep. Dennis slept very well, and actually got up before his alarm went off. After
Joke 108 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
Joke 110 1970-01-01 00:59:59 An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "
Joke 111 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that." "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did
Joke 112 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the
Joke 113 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to
Joke 113 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to
Joke 114 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what
Joke 115 1970-01-01 00:59:59 There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".
The atheist yells back, "There is no God".
She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with
Joke 116 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the
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