Owner: On the Streets of Chicago URL:http://streetsofchicago.blogspot.com Join Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 14:29:50 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: This blog is about life ... love ... and struggle in the big city. A normal gay man who makes his share of mistakes but does his best to make them right. Life is easier than we make it - words to live by. Site statistics:Click here
A Quickie 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I had a wonderful birthday dinner last night. I wasn't in a great mood to begin with because I took some info and ran with it and maybe jumped to the wrong conclusions. I'm human that way.I do have to mention though - I didn't get so much as a happy birthday from him. Par for the course.I've made some decisions about the future - don't want to share them just yet, but I'm feeling good about them. Stay tuned. Read more:Quickie
The First Day of my 30's 1970-01-01 00:59:59 So. I'm officially in my 30's. WHOO HOO!I'm so lucky. I've received so many birthday wishes. Many from people I barely know. It's put me in a delightful mood. I'm sitting here starving. There is no food in my house and I'm too lazy to go get some. In 3 hours I will be feasting on steak at a fancy restaurant with some good friends so it's all-good.I think I'm going to start a new blog where I bitch about the ex. Because I need to do a serious amount of bitching and I can't do it here where people that know us both will read. Read more:First
I sound like a 14 year old girl 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Mike - you are totally right. I am in my 31st year on this planet. Math has never really been my strong suit. But then again should we really could that first year when all we do is eat, shit, cry and when not doing those things just kida sit and look adorable? Discuss.So as usual, I am a little embarrassed by what I've been writing here. I sound like a 14 year old girl. I really don't have anything to say in order to defend myself other than I'm just trying to put things in order as best I can. This is how I deal.I had a really wonderful chat with a former blogger this morning. It's good to chat with people who you know won't bullshit you. The fact is I'm reacting to this out of my own insecurity. It's all such a huge game. We are all racing to see who can get and how quickly we can get it. We are all hurting others in the process. I try not to.As one commenter said, living well IS the best revenge. I'm already seeing the results from my meetings with my trainer. Iâ€
Reaching Someone 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I need to stop. I need to breath. I need to relax. I take to heart way too many things. I can't seem to just live and let live. I don't forgive very easily. This is something I recognize.Those that know me are always telling me that I'm pretty laid back. This couldn't be further from the truth. I may seem calm on the outside - but in my head things are going a mile a minute and sometimes I just want it to stop.Funny thing is it feels like I haven't been through this before. I have. I've had plenty of boys that I've been into that haven't returned the sentiment. But this … it's just different. At the risk of sounding completely pathetic, I just keep having to say it over and over. But it makes me feel better. I need to keep talking about it and since I can't really do that in my real life I do it here. Where I know it's reaching someone.Tomorrow start my 30th year on this planet. I'm going to try and enjoy it. Read more:Reaching
I Wish 1970-01-01 00:59:59 To quote my friend John, "Dude, you're falling apart" Yes. Yes I am. And that is ok.I'm trying to do the best I can to stay positive and move forward. However, life just seems to be kicking me in the ass. I've never received so many punches all at once. I don't have the energy to go into details about any of it - but let's just say STRESS is an understatement. And just when I think I'm feeling ok I come across the postcard he sent me while he was on vacation in HI right as we were getting back together."Brandon -I wish you were here … really"They say that the first is the hardest to get over and they ain't kiddin'. This past Saturday my family took me out to dinner for my birthday. I had made a decision that I would be bringing home someone for the first time to meet the family. So when the dinner came and he wasn't there I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. I don't want to go into the whole family dynamic right now - but my being
WHINE 1970-01-01 00:59:59 OK. I just reread that last post. Could I be any more whinier? Shit. Read more:WHINE
Making A Choice 1970-01-01 00:59:59 So we just had our very final conversation. It's funny - but I know I sat and I listened but I couldn't recount any of the details of our hour-long conversation. I rambled. It's as though if I kept talking it wouldn't be final. I knew it would be final as soon as he stepped out the door. Words aren't coming very easily right now. They are kinda swirling about in my head. I wish I could be more candid but I know some of his best friends are probably going to read this at some point. The thing I struggle with is this: if I just let him walk away from me knowing what he's going through am I just abandoning him? Tomorrow I'll turn this around and be stronger for it but today I just want to wallow. I think I'm allowed to do that. Jo put it so well. There are many in this world that choose to be unhappy and choose not to let those around them love them and help them. What a lonely life that must be. Today though, I am going to choose to sit on my couch, eat Oreo ice cream a Read more:Choice
Get It All Done 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Of course the conversation didn't end with him walking out the door. I woke up the next morning with an email in my inbox, which of course I responded to. I guess I'm one of those people who needs to have the last word, but the conversation has to stop. I'm not going to respond to his last email. I care so much about him, but it's time to take care of me now. Someone's got to be in my corner and it might as well be me.My first instinct was to go ahead and throw that scandalous pictures back up on the dirty websites but I realized how much I didn't miss that attention. So I took them down again. It just isn't working for me anymore. This weekend is a busy one. I have two clients today. I'm also tryin to track down an unresponsive developer and the family is taking me out to my fav restaurant in the burbs. Not to mention the 300 pages I'm supposed to have read by Monday. Ya, haven't even touched it. Have had two weeks to do it. I'm going to do my dandiest to get it
My New Commentors! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I LOVE YOU ALL! My first instinct when I read Anonymous 11.22.06 - 6:07 am's comment on my last past was "This person must know us."For the most part Anon, you are pretty right. However, he has not made any attempt to make me feel like this was my fault. Quit the opposite. He does take all the blame, but that doesn't make it any easier.I really wish I could post my whole story from beginning to end with him. But I can't. I know I vilify him but he's not a bad person. I care about him a lot but he needs to be outta my life. I compromised a LOT to be with him and in the end it didn't matter. Never again.
Low 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm writing this from my office. He's sitting at the desk across from me. I had hoped my desk would have been moved by now, but it's not. Wednesday morning I got an email from him out of the blue. He was trying to reassure me that he really was dedicated to my success as a realtor and asked if I wanted to talk about it. This morning we talked about it.I had no idea how hard it was going to be sitting in that conference room with him. He just sat there for a second and stared at me. I just stared right back at his RIDICULOUS facial hair. "What are you thinking?" he asked me. Such a ridiculous question. I was thinking how this man and I laid in bed for hours, naked … talking and laughing and kissing and touching and now we sit across the table from each other feeling like absolute strangers. I was trying to keep it business but this flood of emotion just swept over me. I can't help it. All I can think about is this gut feeling that I have the he is already seeing someone el
Bad Judgment 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I feel like I have to say this: here you do not get the full picture. I'm not this depressed in real life. While I'm probably keeping to myself more than I should, I don't spend every waking hour crying over a bowl of ice cream on my couch. Like I said, I'm moving on. Slowly, but surely. I can feel it happening. There are just a few puzzle pieces missing and I'm frustrated because I can't seem to find anything that fits.My feisty commenter is back and I'd like to clarify some things for him.1) The Christmas Ornament. You are absolutely right, I should have kept it in the first place, but I was so hurt and angry at the time all I wanted to do was hurt him back. I was grasping at anything I could do that would accomplish that at the time. Asking for it back was very passive aggressive on my part, but I know that somewhere down the line I would have regretted not asking for it back. So I did.2) The reimbursement check for the gift I got him was not something I asked fo Read more:Judgment
Happy Sunday 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Anon, the more we chat the better I feel. Thank you for your insight. You are right. I should allow myself to be a little less sympathetic to him. After all, he shattered my heart into a million pieces. I need not take him into consideration any longer. He once told me that he couldn't see me dating anyone else. I think he still believes that. I have learned so much from this - stay tuned for my "What you need to know before dating me" entry.I'd like to take a break from the moaning and groaning if I may. There have been other things happening in my life that are noteworthy.This past Thursday we had our turnover meeting for the condo association. Since I moved in I was really excited at the possibility of the association. However, now that it is actually happening I'm no so excited anymore. There are 38 units in my building, which means that 38 people get to come to a meeting and talk. Our first meeting really wasn't that bad but there are clearly people in the group that Read more:Happy
, Sunday
The Angel 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Last December, about a week after he came to me to tell me he had decided to make the changes in his life necessary in order for us to be together he gave me a Christmas present. Wrapped up and everything. It was very cute. In the box was an ornament. The ornament was a beautiful Angel made of some sort of shiny metal. It's hung on the Christmas tree by a little lacey bow that attaches to the Angel's back. It's a beautiful ornament.There is an inscription running up the right side of the angels flowy dress. It says "You must do the thing you think you cannot do" Eleanor Roosevelt said it. At the time it had great meaning. This man loved me so much that he was doing what he thought he couldn't in order to be with me.The first time he broke up with me I gave back everything he had given me. Of course I did this in order to hurt him. Childish move on m part. This past weekend I decided that I wanted the ornament back. I decided that rather than see it as a painful reminder of
My Weekend 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's days like today I feel trapped. Trapped because all the IGO cars in the area are taken and I needed to grocery shop. Which means I had to hoof it and I didn't feel like going beyond the ghetto Dominick's. The store almost redeemed itself last week. A very nice butcher not only pointed out the pot roast I was looking for but walked me over to the isle where I found the seasoning and the bag to cook it in. But then I walked my fat ass over to the ice cream isle only to find they did NOT have any Oreo Ice Cream. FUCK! I was hoping they might have stocked their shelves - but alas they have not.Oh - and so I have this little rant. I applaud stores that are setup to where there is ONE line and the next consumer goes to the next available checker outer person. It's just fair right? Everyone gets a fair shake. Grocery stores of the future need to take this into account. As usual at this hideous store there was only two check out lines open with significant lines at both. Just Read more:Weekend
Remember? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Remember when my blog used to be interesting?I can't be consumed with this forever ... just hang in there. Read more:Remember
Giving Thanks 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Has anyone noticed that people seem to be on edge today? I mean it's Thanks
giving. Chill out. To the man who tried to cut in the line at the Northwestern Train Station ticket window, to the woman who was cursing out the person who was supposed to pick them up at the train station and didn't, to my parents who are fighting over recyclables … I just say chill out.So, in my opinion, we officially kick off the holiday season today. I say in my opinion because it seems that retailers decided the day after Halloween that it was Christmas, but not I. In my opinion the day after Thanksgiving is for putting up your Christmas crap.So it's time to be thankful. I have a TON of stuff to be thankful for. Let's break it down. I am thankful for:• my beautiful home.• my health.• my family.• my wonderful and supportive friends.• my jobs.• my education.I'm such a lucky guy to have all I have. I know I can forget that. I do think I've slipped into some sort of d Read more:Giving
Not Hooking Up 1970-01-01 00:59:59 My ass hurts from sitting on it so much in the past 24 hours. But I guess that is what this weekend is for. I had intended on spending this evening with a friend from high school but her grandfather passed away. How horrible for that to happen on Thanksgiving! Thoughts are with her family.So I'm sitting here at my dads house alone. My dad and my brother went to TN to visit a friend of my dad's. My mom is on a date from what I can tell. So that leaves me the run of the castle out here in the far western suburbs of Chicago. I've wasted so much time surfing the web today I think I've seen just about everything that is out there.I'm a bit horny. And there is a guy online that I could easily hook up with. He's an older guy - but great body. However, I just can't bring myself to do it. Kissing someone at my birthday party was weird. The first kiss after a breakup. I know I need to get the first fuck over with too but I just can't get myself to do it.I don't like dating. O
I Wanna Be A Producer 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's finally over and I can officially call myself a Producer
. I've produced a performance and it came off surprisingly well.It all began on Monday. I left my house at 9:45 and headed out to the IGO car. It was cold. SO very very cold. I had packed two turkey sandwiches, several green apples, a ziplock bag full of green grapes, some carrots and some junk food like a snickers and some Recees peanut butter cups along with two bottles of water. I was prepared for the long haul.The walk to the car was harsh. A hard beginning to a long and hard day. I had no idea how it was all going to play out but this was what I was going to school for. To learn how to do THIS. THIS is what I want to do for the rest of my life so I have to prove to myself that I can; and I did.I arrived at the venue, The South Shore Cultural Center at about 10:30. It's basically one straight shot down Lake Shore Drive from my house. The rid down was really beautiful. Every time I head south past Roosevelt Road I al
Today 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Two days in a row now. Tomorrow I will get out of bed on time. This morning I woke up in the best mood I've been in in a while. I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamt that I had found someone that made me happy. Someone good to me. I can't remember much about the dream. I don't remember his face or anything like that but it felt good.The other highlight of the day was having lunch with a friend. Had a wonderful conversation about my current situation, his current situation on relationships in general. Some of the issues we discusses were difficult to talk about but it felt good to do so.Lowlights, running into the ex at a work event. However, I made a choice NOT to be pathetic. I was sitting in the living room when almost everyone else was in the kitchen. I just thought, FUCK THIS! Why should I exile myself? So I joined the crowd in the kitchen and noticed him looking at me several times before he left. I mean duh - Read more:Today
Humble Pie - Taste Good 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Yesterday I just had this feeling. I knew that I needed to be at Sidetrack last night. I wrangled some friends into meeting me there. I thought I knew what was going to happen there but it turned out it was the complete opposite.I was extended an olive branch. It was not something I was expecting, but I really can't even begin to think I think anything about this man. I only know what I've been told by my ex and he had an agenda. For me, forgiving is not an easy task. I was completely humbled by what this man did last night. It could not have been easy for him. I wish to thank him again if perhaps he is reading this.Last night put a few things into perspective for me. Perhaps I've been too harsh on my ex. Perhaps there is a part somewhere in me that could forgive him for this and move on a little bit easier but that remains to be seen. I was just a pawn. I was put in between two people and used an excuse for their relationship to be over. My friend Jason gave me some great advice Read more:Humble
, Humble Pie
Pot of Gold 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Anon, again thank you for your comments! The one thing I agree with you on this time around is that when there are holes to be filled and you have nothing to fill them you make stuff up. That's exactly what I've been doing for this past month or so. That's changing.I write here because it forces me to deal with things I otherwise would keep inside my head. They would swirl and swirl until I went crazy. Putting them here puts them out there to the world. It holds me accountable for what I'm thinking and if I'm wrong it puts it right there in front of my face until I do something about it.I was wrong. I have been trying to fill the holes and lets just say I have a very vivid imagination. These past few days have changed a lot of things. He's finally opening up to me. He's articulating things he hasn't before and I'm more able now to take my experiences and translate them to what he may be going through. All is not forgiven by any means, but at least now I can be in the
Trust 1970-01-01 00:59:59 All the trust that has been gained this week was lost in one evening.I had a great time at the party though.
Merry Christmas! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Merry Christmas
all! After the holiday I will update you on the whirlwind that is my life.ps - Someone at my brother's company is reading this. I sure hope it's not my brother. If so, I'm blushing. Read more:Merry
, Merry Christmas
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