Owner: On the Streets of Chicago URL:http://streetsofchicago.blogspot.com Join Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 14:29:50 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: This blog is about life ... love ... and struggle in the big city. A normal gay man who makes his share of mistakes but does his best to make them right. Life is easier than we make it - words to live by. Site statistics:Click here
You know what? 2007-12-12 22:12:00 It really isn't that I want him back. It's that I just don't want to feel this way. And the easiest way to stop feeling this way is to go back and think everything is ok. And that is why I want him back. Not because I love him.Phew. That kinda feels good to say.
The Kid from Manhunt 2007-12-12 16:57:00 So there is this boy that found me on Manhunt
either the day before or on my birthday.(Yes, I kept a Manhunt profile the entire time I was with my ex because I'm an exhibitionist and my ex wouldn't experiment with that with me so I used Manhunt, so there.)Normally I really don't engage men on the site in a whole lot of conversation because it's a hook up site after all.(For the record, I've only slept with one person I met on Manhunt, and technically I met him on Friendster first and he was a friend of a friend and I met him out for drinks several times before we even slept together and I still consider him a good friend today and someone I can joke about with and tease with a little skin.) But there was something about this kid. When he emailed me his profile made me laugh. His pictures were cute - not showing any skin but a great smile and he was so complimentary. So we exchanged some emails on the site and I did something I never do - I gave him my AIM and we began to
Facing Facts 2007-12-11 21:35:00 I hate that saying "He's just not that into you" because well, it applies to me! And I hate that. There were several defining moments in our relationship that I can still clearly remember as if they were yesterday. Things we said and promised and planned. That stuff hasn't' changed for me. I took it to heart. It must have been all rhetoric to him because "he's not that person anymore" whatever the hell that means.Today he told me that he had regretted us getting back together about this time last year. Um, thanks for completely invalidating anything that has happened to us since then. While it may be harder now, so much has happened that I don't take back.Also, today he comes into my office and asks "What kind of mood are you in today? You aren't talking" I think my mood was pretty obvious and of course this sent me down the tubes. Seriously? Do you really need that much attention that you have to come into my office and solicit such a reaction? Ya, yesterday I Read more:Facing
Debbie Downer 2007-12-10 09:06:00 I'm turning into a Debbie
Downer again aren't I. Times are rough - but I'm trying to stay positive. I'm promise!
Not in Love 2007-12-09 17:36:00 So what do you do when the person you care about the most in your life tells you they aren't in love with you anymore? The one person you want to share everything with says "no thanks" and leaves.My first entry here was very positive about this latest and greatest breakup - but I was kidding myself. I feel like someone cut off my arm and is holding it within view but just out of my reach. I've got great friends and they have been so supportive, but I feel incredibly lonely and rejected. I guess that happens when you spend three years bending over backwards, adapting to every mood swing and whim. Everyone's advice has been to have a couple one-night stands. Get back on the horse so to speak. That was my intention this weekend, but when it comes down to it that's just not my style anymore. Sex without the love is boring to me. Not to say it won't ever happen, but I'm not someone who can bounce from guy to guy and be happy with that.Dating terrifies me more now than eve
How do you go about saving someone that doesn't want to be saved? 2007-12-07 19:52:00 "I don't know. But you kinda have no choice. No matter how mad you get, you still love her"The first thing I heard when I turned on the television tonight. So true. It's really hard to do the smart thing when you care about someone so much.I have an issue with forgiveness. When I'm wronged it's really not easy for me to forgive. I hold grudges. And it's not healthy. How can I expect the ex to work on his issues if I don't work on mine? So I made the choice to try and forgive him and not be angry anymore. It was interesting.We talked for about an hour in my office at work. After I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And I didn't hate him anymore. I finally get it. It has nothing to do with me. He has some serious issues to deal with - and unfortunately I'm just the scapegoat.So I'm in a weird spot. If we didn't work together, I think I'd have a much easier time walking away. But I can't. Read more:saved
Weekend Update 2007-12-18 10:18:00 This weekend was all about blowing off steam and apparently I had a lot.Friday:My friend Rick has a party every year to commemorate his birth and the holidays at the same time. I've gone for the past several years and always enjoy myself. It's always the right mix of people, food, and booze that really makes the holidays finally feel here.I was a bit nervous about going thinking that my ex might show up. Last year at this party we are broken up and this party is where we basically got back together again. So I was feeling a bit down. He didn't show - and I was glad because I was able to relax and enjoy being with my friends.House parties are great - but the one problem with them is there is no one there to properly mix a drink for you. So as everyone tends to do there was always much more alcohol in my drink than I really realized. So by the time we left the house party I was D-R-U-N-K but didn't realize it.Our first stop after the party was a bar not too far from there cal Read more:Update
, Weekend
Mo Gaffney on my side, Lisa Loeb not so much 2007-12-25 03:37:00 So I'm in this boy band. As with many boy bands there was a rival boy band and the rivalry was pretty intense. So intense in fact that we knew they wanted to kill us. Actually kill us with guns and stuff. So our logic told us that we had to head them off at the past.We knew that they were playing a gig at a local hotel so we decided to step in and pretend to be them and take over. We thought this would be hilarious and people never would know that it was us and not them especially if we wore their clothes.So we showed up, stepped into their clothes, and the manager of the hotel totally bought it. I was a bit confused because the plan never really got beyond that point. I asked my fellow band member "So what instrument am I playing again?" He didn't know.The other band showed up and didn't seem to care that we were playing instead of them, they just wanted to kill us. I thought that it was understood that we would not fight until after the gig, so I thought it ok to go to the
My Own Dr. Dave 2008-03-03 20:33:00 I’ve had the weirdest feeling come over me the past few days. It’s not a feeling of regret, but it’s this feeling that I want to go back and do everything over again knowing what I know now.I guess that sounds a lot like regret right?It’s so funny how quickly time passes. So much has happened and I feel like I’ve forgotten so much.Today and yesterday have been all about blasts from the past. I logged onto my old blog and looked up people and found that some of my old friends are still blogging, even though they promised to stop.Right now I’m watching an old episode of Queer as Folk. I used to live for this show because it, at the time, was the life I wanted. I wanted my own Dr. Dave and my own little circle of gays.I wouldn’t trade my friends for the world, but I’d still li
Saints and Angels 2008-02-28 13:50:00 I’ve got issues you guys. Big ones! I’m not ashamed of it. Here’s the thing – I’ve been struggling with some significant self-esteem and insecurity issues lately. I put my all into this relationship only to be dumped on over and over again. Not that I’m bashing him and I’m not saying it’s ok either. I’m saying I’m just trying to understand.When you get dumped the first question you ask yourself is “What’s wrong with me?” It’s only natural. Relationships, at least most of them, are comprised of two people. When one person makes the decision to leave there must be a reason right? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Do I smell? Am I terrible in bed? When the other person can’t give you the answers you need, well in my case, you start making it up Read more:Saints
, Angels
Serenity 2008-02-26 17:36:00 I’m not a religious person. I believe in a greater force that is driving things – but I’m not really sure what it is. Organized religion is mainly something that was just made up to explain the things that we cannot explain because we all need explanations. We can’t just accept “I don’t know” as the answer. If we did, then the human race as a whole wouldn’t be where it is today.I, for one, need explanations. I can’t be satisfied with someone doing something to hurt me and not having an explanation as to why they did it. Sometimes those explanations just don’t come.But at the same time, I can’t just let things go which is one of my biggest faults.God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change;courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the dif Read more:Serenity
Trying to Figure It All Out 2008-02-22 18:25:00 I want to blog - but my mind is cloudy and not really making any sense right now. I feel like the last year from this point has just been a big circle that has brought me around to the same point. Do I really want another go 'round? I think not.I try really hard not to take it personally, but it's not easy.
My New Crush Is a Real Wildman 2008-02-19 17:06:00 Ah. Valentines Day. I have no idea who invented this holiday but it really is sort of stupid. I mean, if you are a couple then you should make time to have your own personal VD’s throughout the year and let the single people alone.However, I had a great time on my VD. I had dinner with miss Chicago Jo and Foxy and we drank some wine, ate some good food, had great desert and parted ways. I love those two. It was a great day to be reminded of the wonderful people I have in my life.Speaking of love … I have a new TV crush. Has anyway watched that show “Cities of the Underworld” on the History Channel? It’s hosted by Don Wildman and he is FOXY ladies and gentleman.My favorite episode so far is when they are under some ninja’s house in some tunnels. One of the tunnels has since fill
Wide Awake at 4am 2008-02-13 04:10:00 This has got to stop. You know those commercials that say "Depression hurts". Well it does - I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Update! 2008-02-09 17:30:00 So I guess it has been a while. Life kinda gets in the way sometimes. Truth is I haven’t been motivated to write because I really would have no idea what to put down. My mind continues to swirl around everything that goes on. Every day seems to bring something new, whether it be good or bad.School has begun and I’m finding the semester manageable so far. I’m learning things that will actually help me in all facets of my career which is always a good feeling. However, I took this one class to learn a certain piece of database software that is popular in the Arts industry and I got an A-. I build database’s for a living. WTF?It’s funny, but many people come to me with computer questions. When I was younger I knew everything about computers. However, as I get older I don’t keep up Read more:Update
Loved 2008-02-08 22:05:00 A bunch of white supremacists said hi to me on the interweb-radio. I feel loved.(I'm just kidding, about the loved part. These people are crazy.)
Bad Play / Good Play 2008-01-15 10:45:00 Being that I’m in Chicago, theater is all around me and being the schmuck that I am I don’t take advantage of it nearly enough. So the only real New Years Resolution that I have is to get a life. And that means see more theater. We have something here called HOTTIX which is basically the same thing as TKTS in NYC. Half-price (or close to it) tickets generally on the day of, if not a few days before and now many of them are available on-line so there really isn’t an excuse to take advantage of this.So, my first theatrical production of the year was Jason Robert Brown’s “The Last Five Years”. I saw a production of his musical “Parade” a couple years ago and loved the music so I was very interested to see this show. However, knowing that it was a local small theater company th
Horror - scopes. 2008-01-11 20:41:00 Looking to your own intrinsic values can help you maintain your stability amidst change. Logic isn't your best strategy for finding level ground now, as exciting feelings may rise to the surface from deep within and you need to stay focused. Don't get lost in analysis by trying to make sense out of what is happening. You'll see things much more clearly next week.I hope so.
The World Around Me 2008-01-10 14:36:00 I wish I could pay more attention to the world around me right now. However I don’t think I can be blamed for needing some time to look inside and see what’s wrong rather than champion the problems of the world.Since I can’t really speak on politics right now, I wanted to share this quiz that I took. It’s interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of Chris Dodd. Just goes to show you how money is more important than the issues in an election. The one who has the most is often hear the loudest.But what do I know?89% Chris Dodd86% Barack Obama83% John Edwards83% Hillary Clinton82% Joe Biden78% Dennis Kucinich77% Mike Gravel72% Bill Richardson48% Rudy Giuliani40% John McCain31% Mitt Romney30% Mike Huckabee22% Tom Tancredo21% Ron Paul20% Fred Thompson2008 Presidential Candidat Read more:World
Nothing to Prove 2008-01-07 22:26:00 2008 is proving to be the emotional roller coaster that 2007 was. It sure came in with a bang. I went to a party that many of my friends were attending. I intended on keeping my alcohol intake low but I made a fatal mistake. I let the very drunk host create a drink for me while I didn’t watch. Then I proceeded to drink the entire thing. The evening becomes hazy after that. However the night did seem to be well documented. Somehow my shirt became open. Luckily it stayed on, mostly.So 12/31/07 marks the first time I vomited in public due to drinking. Mind you, this was all because of ONE DRINK. At a certain point during the evening I felt like I was getting sick. So I calmly had someone help me find my coat. I put it on. And I walked out the door and onto the side and then down to the curb Read more:Nothing
, Prove
Taking Back My Power 2007-12-29 14:07:00 Dating is tough. I had no success at it for years. I grew up a painfully shy child and have since broken down my shell a lot, but there is still some of that insecurity when it comes to social situations. I don’t find it easy to meet new people, so when I do click with someone it means a lot to me.All I’ve ever wanted was to settle into a nice relationship, so I took the first jerk that came along making excuses for his bad behavior over and over again and took all of his actions very personally.Before he left for the holidays we had a talk. The thing that came out of that talk was “When I don’t have you, I want you. When I have you, I don’t want you.” It’s all about that power he’s held over me. When you trust someone you open up about your insecurities and my big one was Read more:Taking
True Colors 2008-03-16 22:13:00 Someday I'll post something long and meaningful describing what I've gone through over the past few weeks.In a nutshell I've slowly been discovering how someone I loved very much fooled me into believing he's something he's not. Something I should have known - but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't think that is such a bad thing.My mind is in a better place and I'm quickly rediscovering my friends and how wonderful they are. Read more:Colors
No title 2008-03-17 07:56:00 Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, JudgingAlso known as the Protector. ISFJs are interested in maintaining order and harmony in every aspect of their lives and are steadfast and meticulous in handling their responsibilities. Although quiet, they are people-oriented and very observant and compassionate, especially with their family and friends.They constantly take in information about people and situations that are important to them, and store it away. This database of information is usually incredibly accurate because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are vital to their value systems.You will rarely catch an ISFJ offending someone – they'd rather avoid confrontation than to badmouth a person, even if that person deserves it! Friends and family are likely to describe them a
Spooky Horrorscope 2008-03-24 10:22:00 When you understand that a certain someone has disappointed you over and over again, you will finally see them for who they are. Today, it becomes clear that they are simply not the person you thought they were -- and it's time for you to admit it. When you accept them for who they are (warts and all), you will immediately feel less annoyed by their antics. Being held to a high standard doesn't work for everyone. Some folks simply can't rise to the challenge. Read more:Spooky
New Entry 2008-04-21 17:26:00 I was scolded many times last night by Jake for not updating my blog - I wish I had more time and more to say. I just felt like I was going on and on about my ex too much - so I stopped.And for good reason.Perhaps more tomorrow. Read more:Entry
The End or Hello 2008-06-22 21:29:00 Well, I’ve been quite for a long time now and it’s because I had a lot of shit to sift through and while it was tempting, it wasn’t anything that should have been documented for the world to see. So, yet again, I deleted this entire blog and I’m starting over.In May I passed my 8-year anniversary as a blogger and I didn’t even make a peep. Eh.So, all of my old stuff is gone. The end. And Read more:Hello
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