Owner: On the Streets of Chicago URL:http://streetsofchicago.blogspot.com Join Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 14:29:50 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: This blog is about life ... love ... and struggle in the big city. A normal gay man who makes his share of mistakes but does his best to make them right. Life is easier than we make it - words to live by. Site statistics:Click here
Welcome 2007 1970-01-01 00:59:59 In one hour 2007 will be 15 days old. I have to say, so far so good. I've needed a break from blogging. I got bogged down in my own thoughts. I had to let some of them just escape. It's been wonderful but I do miss it. I miss that connection.This year has started off with a bang. While I am practically destitute in the money department I am incredibly busy at work. My phone is ringing off the hook with people wanting to see the development I've been assigned to by my boss. I sold on this weekend as a matter of fact and I have about 15-20 people I need to call and follow up with tomorrow morning. It feels good. There's hope that I'll be able to pay my bills soon.I've also come up with an ad campaign for myself that I hope to put in full swing within the next two weeks. I've also had some divine inspiration and came up with a winning design for my new personal website. I'm very excited on about the shape it's taking. The pieces of my new life are moving into place. It†Read more:Welcome
Gay Robot 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Please please please tell everyone you know to watch this. I want this to be a real TV show so badly! I want to have Gay Robot
parties!Gay RobotAdd to My Profile | More Videos
On the Air 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I've always wanted to be on the radio. A friend of mine runs a show on a small radio station in Vermont and asked me via IM tonight if I wanted to go one the air. I thought I would intro the song I requested and that would be that - but I was wrong. She kept me talking for what seemed like forever - but was probably only 20 minutes.Kelly and I lead somewhat parallel lives what with relationships and school and such. I related the story of how we met on the air - and I'd like to tell it again.We had been reading each other's blogs for a while - she lived in Manhattan and I was coming for a visit. We planned to meet up at a lesbian bar called Ruby Fruit. I met up with my friend Tina first, had a few drinks and Kelly was nowhere to be found. Of course, she could have been found but I had no idea what she looked like. She had forgotten her cell phone so we had no way to contact each other. I needed to hit the rest room. While I was in there someone started pounding on the doo
HUNGRY! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 So - this morning I got up to go to the gym - but I didn't. I got all dressed and everything. But I'm sitting on the couch. Typing this entry. STARVING even after I've eaten two breakfasts in the past two hours.I'm having issues with food. I've gained 10-12 lbs over the past month. Some of this is muscle thanks to the regular workouts with my trainer (seriously, my chest, arms and legs are looking great - it's just this damn midsection that mars the whole picture) but my pants are tight. Too tight. My fav pair of chords won't even fit! This upsets me. What upsets me more is my lack of energy, my hunger and all that comes along with that. I tried the south beach diet but I got frustrated when I couldn't find things to eat that I liked so I just wouldn't eat. Now I think I've done a good job of incorporating things I learned on the south beach diet into my life but I'm still hungry all the time and I'm not loosing the weight I gained over the holidays. I'm
VD 1970-01-01 00:59:59 It's been about a month since my last entry. Blogging has become extremely difficult now that I'm not chained to a desk all day. Before I was blogging on someone else's time. Now it's all mine and I can't seem to find the time to fit it in.Tomorrow is my 6-year anniversary of my first blog entry. I was going to close up shop - but now I think I may keep it open for a little while longer. Posting here and there when I please.Life is moving forward. I am single again. I got dumped for a third time by the same man 1 day before Valentine's day. Not that I didn't see it coming - I've been waiting for it for about a week now. This time it's final. I think I said that last time - but this time it really is. I think I've taken more than my share of emotional distress here and I'm not going to go back for some more.I'm not angry like I was before. Sure - I'm a bit angry - but this it's just sad. Sad that we couldn't make it work. He clings to dysfunction
The Best and such 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm extremely intoxicated right now and I'm going to have to BIGGEST headache in the morning but I just may have had the best VD I've ever had thanks to my amazing friends. I have people that will catch me when I fall. It feels good to know that.Funny thing is though - I don't really feel like I have fallen. I feel like I watched someone else fall and I feel bad but at the same time there is nothing I can do about it.Just a drunken though. I texted boys from the past tonight. Probably not the best of ideas but it sure was fun.Happy VD people ... catch it while you can. Whatever that means.
Illegal 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Don't you love when you are searching the net for some adult entertainment on the web and something completely illegal pops up on your screen? Sort of brings down the mood.Time to cook dinner ... It's cold here in Chicago and I'm totally over it.
Post 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I just wrote a wonderful entry. Finally I was able to pull some sort of thoughts and get them in a rational order. However, I think it's a bit too personal for the web. Not for me, but for him. I'll tell anyone anything but I must respect his privacy. Jake gave me an excellent idea of writting entries to get things out and the deleting them. I saved it. I might post it but I'm going to think about it for a while.
So I Edited It and Decided to Post 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I'm getting very frustrated with my brain again. I have sat down at the computer every day for a week trying to write decent shit to put up here and I just can't seem to pull anything good out. This is what happens when I experience some sort of emotional setback. I basically shut down and my life suffers because of it.I can't concentrate most times - wait - that's a lie. I concentrate on the wrong thing most times. School work, real estate stuff and chorus stuff have all taken a back burner to me sitting on my couch and watching Ugly Betty (fantastic show by the way, if you aren't watching it start now!) mainly because it's the only thing I got going on right now that doesn't remind me of him but it's not to say that I'm in the same place I was last time this happened. I'm not by far. I'm just frustrated because nothing I do or say will fix this.This is our MO: We get on fantastic until something happens that rattles him and sends him into a tailspin wherein Read more:Edited
Show me that smile again ... don't waste another minute on your crying! 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Last night I had the strangest, but nicest dream. I was in my parents car from when I was younger, a 1984 Chevrolet Celebrity station wagon. I was in the back with Kirk Cameron (like when he was cute on Growing Pains, not the bible thumper he is now). We were talking and having a very nice time. The location shifted to many different places. One was even a locker room, but they all flew by so fast. The nice part about it was we were very affectionate. Lots of touching, hand holding and such. It felt good. However the dream ended with him flipping out about Chelsey, his wife. This, unfortunately, is not new territory for me.This week seems to be looking up for me. Some things that were badgering me last week have worked themselves out, but it's clear I took on way too much this time around and I'm flailing a bit and not enjoying myself as much as I should be. And the teacher of my online class is a bitch, but life is moving on. Read more:waste
, crying
Two Things 1970-01-01 00:59:59 • I love it when I'm on the train and some really cute boy makes eyes at me. And we spend the whole ride catching glances at each other. That's fun. Even my friend Ricardo noticed. I wish I had the balls to go up to him and start talking to him but I don't think he girlfriend who was standing right to him would have appreciated it.• I'm using AIM as a crutch to ward off some lonliness lately and I'm sure I'm driving all my friends nut IM'ing them as soon as they sign off. I'm I drive you nutz tell me and I'll stop.
"I have intimacy issues. That sounds so stupid now" 1970-01-01 00:59:59 A quote from tonight's Gray's Anatomy. Not the best of episodes really, but I'm hypersensitive to these types of things these days. I can watch a couple having issues on television without having much of a reaction but when a couple is separated because of something like death - that gets me. Everything else seems so stupid when compared to death.I grew up a very shy child. Painfully shy. It's taken me so long to get to where I am. It's taken a lot of pushing and pealing to be able to be as open and honest as I am now and I'm no where near being where I think I should be. Most importantly I'm content with the person I've become and I'm excited about the person I've yet to be.I wish I could be more forgiving and less jealous. Funny thing is though; I don't know why I'm so green. I'm the one who's open, who's ready and who's willing. For the one that is all those things though, it usually means being left behind and hurt when the other realizes they donâ Read more:intimacy
More Dreams 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Do you ever have those dreams that are so real you actually believe they happened when you woke up? I had one of those last night and frankly it was really frightening.The dream began at his place. We were arguing as usual and all of a sudden a kid showed up. He explained to me that he and his ex had adopted a kid while they were together and hadn't bothered to tell me about it - and he laughed it off like it didn't matter. We continued to argue as we walked out the door when I started screaming at him. He was to drive me home but I kept walking and I ran into a bunch of my friends from high school at a bar that doesn't actually exist in real life. I had one drink and left but I couldn't seem to find my way home. I had no energy and was fighting passing out on the street. I found myself in the back of some construction site wandering around and a large construction truck thingy was backing up and was about to run me over. I think that is about when I woke up.I don't think it Read more:Dreams
Are You Kidding Me? 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I know my blog can be a bit dramatic. The thoughts in my head are way more dramatic that I ever am in real life. I'm pretty reserved. Even when drunk I'm not out and out crazy (well unless it's my birfday). It's just sometimes things get exaggerated in my head. Emotions and such but this past 24 hours has sucked.I'm not going to go into details of the stunt he pulled last night. It felt like someone punched me in the chest.
Therepy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 Hey Anon - welcome back. I again want to thank you for all your commentary. I've gone back and read some of it again and you were right. I've been playing the victim here and it's time to stop. So many games have been played between the two of us I really don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore so on Wednesday I'm going to start seeing a therapist and I'm very much looking forward to it.I'm somewhat skeptical. I've seen two things happen when it comes to therapy, people use their therapist as a crutch and basically look to them to tell them what to do or they take what their therapist says as an excuse to shirk all responsibility for their actions. The therapist tells their client they have to focus on them before they can be any good to anyone else therefore any harm they've done or continue to do isn't their fault.I think I could use the help though. There is a lot swirling around in my head and it all can't come out here, as much as I'd like to sha
A Dialog 1970-01-01 00:59:59 I love a great dialog. Except I hate it when people call it a dialog. It’s just weird and clinical. One of my teachers used to do that. “Let’s have a dialog” or “Let’s dialog”. Um no – we’ll talk and you can “dialog”. He was a horrible teacher.I really do miss the days of my private blog. I could start it up again but being out in the open has its advantages too. Like I said before – I have to own what I say here and it really makes me choose my words carefully. I wouldn’t call it editing myself but it really makes me focus my thoughts more clearly and not just angrily scribble something down and post it for the world to see. (OK, maybe I’ve done that once or twice)I’ve tried and tried, Anon, to come up with a rebuttal to everything you have said. I can’t. Everything you have said is exactly the truth. He might as well have been punching me in the face. Every time I’d get up and ask for another. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to admit to mys Read more:Dialog
A Quick Survey To Release Some Nervous Energy 1970-01-01 00:59:59 TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The SurveyName:BrandonBirthday:11/16Birthplace:Outside of Chicago, ILCurrent Location:Chicago, ILEye Color:GreenHair Color:BrownHeight:5'7"Right Handed or Left Handed:LeftYour Heritage:AlbanianThe Shoes You Wore Today:Going to wear a pair of Black ShoesYour Weakness:If I answer this how I want to I'm going to get yelled at by all my friendsYour Fears:FailureYour Perfect Pizza:CheeseGoal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Get over my ex and produce a show.Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:hahahahahahThoughts First Waking Up:UghYour Best Physical Feature:My eyesYour Bedtime:10 pmYour Most Missed Memory:Again, I can't answer this how I want to right now.Pepsi or Coke:Coke, but neither in 5 years.MacDonalds or Burger King:BothSingle or Group Dates:SingleLipton Ice Tea or Nestea:NeitherChocolate or Vanilla:VanillaCappuccino or Coffee:NeitherDo you Smoke:NoDo you Swear:Fuck ya!Do you Sing:YesDo you Shower Daily:Yes, of course.Have you Been in Love Read more:Quick
, Release
, Nervous
, Energy
The Cheating Game 1970-01-01 00:59:59 * Removed because this might have been one of those times I posted because I was angry. I'll think about it and let you know. * Read more:Cheating
There Will Be No Changing 2007-03-03 03:51:00 This past Monday I had breakfast with my ex’s best friend. I’ve been told by a couple of my friends that it was weird that I did that. Looking back – ya it was. However I really needed to talk to someone who knew him as well I do. I needed to know that I was not crazy. Our talk did wonders for me.I was not going to bring it up to my ex. I knew it was only a matter of time before he cracked and asked me about it. It was yesterday morning. I was the only person on my side of the office when he came by my desk and just stared at me. Then he asked me how it was and I told him it was really great. He seemed surprised by my answer. I told him if he had something to ask then ask it but if not then I wasn’t going to volunteer anything. We agreed to talk later that night.He wanted to go to a restaurant because he was starving – I reluctantly agreed. We at least got a booth in the back where it was a bit darker.I was tough on him. I made him cry multiple times. We talked about a lot of Read more:Changing
I Have to Get Up in an Hour 2007-03-01 11:36:00 It’s 3:45 am. I woke up to use the bathroom and now I can’t seem to get back to sleep. It’s storming out – hail against my window. It’s kinda relaxing but annoying at the same time.So I deleted a post. I don’t do that very often but my last one was just a little too specific. Too specific about the times that I suspect that he cheated. I say suspect because I only have circumstantial evidence and his reputation to go on because he denies everything but the events of this past Sunday have just made it to hard too ignore any longer.I do feel really dumb about it. I had all of this information in front of me at the time; I just chose to ignore it. There were a lot of these times when I knew he was going out with someone, a “friend” or a “client”. In any normal, healthy relationship I would have been invited along. I wasn’t. I was just told “I’m going out” and I would hear about it the next day. Not that I'm against couples spending time apart with their own fr
The Last Conversation 2007-03-04 03:02:00 At the end of our conversation on Thursday he said he was going to send me an email with more of his thoughts. On Friday he again said he would do that. He was kind enough to make me wait until 4:30 today. The email made obvious one of our problems that we never even touched on – not only does he not talk he doesn’t listen.These past two and a half years have been about me building up his self-esteem, stroking his ego and building him back up after his previous relationship tore him down. I did all of this at the expense of my own self-esteem. Now I’m left with a mess to clean up on my own. I think he should be paying for my therapy.I'm a constant reminder of what he did to his ex. Even this email went back and forth on how he wants me in his life - he wants me out of his life. As the wise wise all female group THE BANGLES once said:If she knew what she wants(He'd be giving it to her)If she knew what she needs(He could give her that too)If she knew what she wants(But he can't Read more:Conversation
Dreaming 2007-03-04 08:32:00 We were driving through the country. Laughing and joking like we always did. Then his cell phone rang. He said he needed to talk the call and did. I could faintly hear the person on the other end. “Did he tell you what happened with him?” My ex said. I couldn’t believe it. He was talking about us breaking up with his friend on the phone, laughing and joking about it right in front of me. I just looked at him like “What the hell?” and he said to me “I’m not talking about you,” but I knew he was. We arrived at our destination which was some weird flee market pancake breakfast. Some old man was sitting by the food. And old woman came up to him and nudged him and about 1000 flies scattered. There were about a million ants on the ground. “That made me sick. I can’t eat here. Can we go somewhere else?” He was annoyed but reluctantly agreed. I then saw one of my best friends off in the distance and then woke up.This is the strangest dream I’ve had in a while. I have no Read more:Dreaming
Last Night 2007-03-05 16:20:00 Just a quick note here to say that I’m doing ok. Today I’m going to really start living like a normal human being again. Or at least I’m going to try. I’m still sleeping on the couch – but I’ll get over that soon.Last night’s rehearsal was a tough one. Being around him is tough especially when he does stuff intentionally to get a rise out of me. I stayed calm and didn’t let it happen. When we broke up in the past we would always do things to make the other jealous – we played games. Last night I wasn’t playing and it made him mad. How dumb. He’s the one that is already dating someone else.So I don’t get the life that I wanted. In time I will see that it was for the best as with everything bad that has happened in the past. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just hope I don’t have to wait too long to find out what that reason is.Have a great day everyone! Read more:Night
DELETE! 2007-03-06 20:31:00 So some of you regular visitors might notice that some of my entries are gone. I’ve done a LOT of thinking over the past couple days about what this blog is, what it means to me and what it’s become.What it’s become is something petty. I intend to change that. Some of my entries were down right mean and all of it based on speculation. I have just become uncomfortable with the amount of information I was putting out there. Really, I had become many of the things I was accusing him of being.Yesterday was a very tough day for me. However I have some wonderful friends that reeled me back in. I spent the evening last night with another good friend singing showtunes and drinking and eating fried foods until the wee hours of the morning. It was freezing outside when we left the diner at 1 am and there was barely a car on the road but for the first time in a long time I was content.There seem to be a lot of people from Chicago reading my blog these days; which is fine. I’d appreciate t
Sick and Stuck 2007-03-12 14:58:00 Rick, Trinity, Anon and Condo – thank you for your sweet comments. I appreciate all your input. Again thank you!This weekend has been tough – mainly because I’ve been sick. Being sick makes everything else a big magnified.My last therapy session was very difficult but I learned a lot of great things, but I’m frustrated now. I feel like I’m being forced to modify my behavior. I only know two ways of relating to him – I either love him or hate him and I can’t find a happy medium. I’m feeling stuck again. I’m hoping it’s just because I’m sick. Read more:Stuck
Around the bend ... 2007-03-16 02:35:00 This week I swear … another tough one. But change is just around the corner. I can feel it.
Stroger 2007-03-18 14:31:00 Now I haven't been paying as much attention to this whole ongoing story as I should, but I've heard tidbits here and there and I can't help but thinking "I can't believe I voted for this guy."Here is an interesting story. Is he really that blatent about all of this? Maybe it's not that cut and dried but it sure seems like it.
Week In Review 2007-03-19 16:00:00 These days I rarely recount activities I’ve been involved with. I’m much more into talking about feelings and all that girly kinda shit. So here is sort of a week in review just to show all you guys that I’m not sitting at home crying on my couch all day. Far from it.Monday – One of my best friends from college (the famous Katie Mac of the Katie Mac Show) sent out an email asking us to answer phones for the PBS telethon. She suggested I get as many people from the chorus to join us and they would mention us on the air. Six of us chorus boys and my best chorus girl showed up to do our duty.I’d never ever done anything like this before. I’ve always seen the phone people in the background when flipping through the channels, but actually being one of them was quit fun.Some chorus boys got some cranks. Jo got a call from some woman crying because of some sort of body ailment. I got a couple older folks that just really wanted to talk. Interesting evening had by all – and I go
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