Owner: It's How I Roll URL:http://ihioga.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2007 17:28:29 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: It is not what it appears to be. Site statistics:Click here
Can a brother finally post a muthafuckin' blog? 2007-07-10 16:48:00 Holy shit. It's been 10 months since I updated this thing.Well, without going into details, let me say this about that:1. County jail sucks2. The public defender is a dumbass3. Don't trust one-armed brothers, even if they offer discount weaving skills4. The Jets don't cover shit, even if they are the home dog.More on this after I get my drink on and fuck some shit up.Peace the fuck OUT!
At War With The Muthafuckin' Rats 2006-09-04 16:11:00 The next time some dumbass tells me that all animals have an inherent right to exist and that animals should be protected from human intervention and exploitation, I will stick my shoe up their ass and then introduce them to muthafuckin' rats that are fucking up my garage.There are more rats in my garage than in the Bush Adminstration. I've got so much rat shit on the floor, it looks like a bigass raisin cookie in there. Every cat in my neighborhood, to be blunt, is acting like a pussy and avoids my house like a passive-aggressive avoids fact.Worst of all, those little fuckers are chewing on the storage boxes that hold my most precious memories -- my Isley Brothers 8-tracks, 10 years of Jet magazine, and every cake rake I've ever owned -- and that shit pisses me off. So I am throwing down with them little rodentile muthafucks and with a quickness, too.First, I tried to catch them with live traps. I used peanut butter and cheese, but it didn't work. Those little smartasses didn't e
Tonight on Lifetime: Television For Women 2006-09-01 16:50:00 5 p.m.) Lifetime
Original Movie: "My Husband Wants To Dump Me So He Can Do It With My Best Friend." The true story of a woman in a small Midwestern town who discovers that her husband is considering divorce and then pursuing her best friend. (2:00, TV-M)(Elizabeth McGovern, Elizabeth Hurley) .7 p.m ) "What the Hell is Rachel Ray Trying to Sell Us Today?": Food Network star Rachel Ray tries to convince a studio audience that mixing Beef-a-roni with eggs over easy is a good thing. (:30, TV-G)(Elisabeth Shue guest stars)7:30 p.m.) "True Stories of Crazy American Chicks": Lifetime's weekly anthology series. This week: "My Boyfriend, the Killer!" A woman is convinced her new boyfriend, who seems too good to be true, is Jeffery Dahmer. When friends tell her that Dahmer is dead, she suspects they're part of the plot against her. Ultimately, she's diagnosed with PMS. (TV-MA, :30) (Elizabeth Taylor, Shannon Elizabeth star)8 p.m.) Eating!: 1,000 women are shown having dinner, alone and i Read more:Television
, Tonight
, Women
My old ass is about to buy a pork pie hat 2006-08-29 16:25:00 The time has come for me to admit that I am old-ass muthafucka and there's no better way to do that than to buy one of these bad boys.Yes sir, once I buy that shit, I have crossed a line and entered a world from which I will never, ever be able to retreat, even if I cry like a little tiddy baby and get shit pierced and start getting yin-yang tats.Once a man has committed to the pork pie hat, he is telling the world that he eats supper before 9, he listens to some AM radio, he thinks kids today are a bunch of spoiled pussies, and that he has little time for your shit because he doesn't give a fuck what you think.After taking inventory of my life and my views, I have concluded that all of the above are true and that I hold all of those opinions and that I don't have time for your shit because I don't give a fuck what you think.Peace the fuck OUT!
Lottery scratch card players can fuck themselves, but please do it off to the side. 2006-08-27 08:00:00 When I'm in a hurry to get a moonpie and a Big Red at the Korean's store on the corner, there's nothing I hate more than getting in line behind a shitload of gambling degenerates.Those stupid fuckers are so focused on winning their $3 pot that they stand in line for hours, ignoring all of the working, non-addicted, real-world muthafucks in line behind them who are trying to get the hell out of the Korean's place before my cousin Fuqua stops by to do his weekly stick-up.First, these ijjits plunk down their $15 and 3 'winner' cards that cost them $15 but paid out $5. With that bankroll, they then go about throwing the money away."Uh, let me have two "Lucky Louies," three "Nut Scratching Bonanzas," five "Waste Your Fucking Moneys" and a "Piss Away Your Kid's College Fund."The Korean gives them the cards and then the muthafucks stand right there and start playing their shit right there!You can cough and clear you throat and sigh loudly and grumble all you want, but those muthafuckas Read more:Lottery
, themselves
Shut The Fuck Up On A Plane! 2006-08-19 21:47:00 I was riding in a jet today, and the experience was shittier than a matinee performance of "'Lifetime: Television For Women' On Ice." The plane took off an hour late. It was a packed tighter than Aretha Frankin's drawers. We flew through so much turbulence, you could've made daquiris.I sat between two people who were so fat, they threw salt in the plane before they boarded. There was a shorty who wailed like Billy Barty caught in a rat trap. And none of it was as bad as Chuck, the happy muthafucka with heart of gold, the love of women and children everywhere, and owner of a fuckin' yap that wouldn't quit. And this human megaphone sat directly behind me. Chuck, let me make this as simple as I can -- when I am on a plane, all I want to hear is the muthafuckin' jet engines and the flight ijjits telling me to shut off my cassette player right in the middle of "The Funky Chicken" as we make our final descent. I don't give a snake's ass about your job, your cruise last year, your gi Read more:Plane
Return of the weather jokes 2006-08-18 14:26:00 It was so hot, dudes were welching on bets so that Mob guys would break their legs and dump them in the river.It was so hot, the time and temperature sign at the bank just read "Does it even matter?"Dayum, it was hot. Guys were pissing in their pants because their jimmies didn't want to come out of the shade.It was so hot, guys from a terrorist cell down the block were hijacking ice cream trucks to crash into their own homes. Read more:Return
, weather
Yes. More jokes about the heat 2006-08-15 19:02:00 It's so hot, everybody is sweating like muthafuckin' pigs. Around the way, I saw some kids using a fat guy as a water slide.I was out in the sun for six hours. When I got home, I had a hole in the seat of my pants. I thought I had ripped them, but it turns out I had some China Syndrome in my drawers.It's so hot, my neighbor got a toe tag and laid down in front of the police station hoping they'd stick him in a freezer at the city morgue.The heat is making some muthafuckas cranky. A chick called up Delilah to request some Barry Manilow and Delilah told her to shut the fuck up.My sister Doris got a job at the Rusty Pole tiddy bar so she could take off her clothes and cool off against the cold metal pole.It was hot. At the zoo, the polar bears jumped the moat and were using tourists to fan themselves.Peace the fuck OUT!
More shit about the weather 2006-08-12 17:06:00 It's so hot, the corn in my turds popped before they hit the toilet water.Damn it's hot. I was leaving the Korean's store at lunch and this perv exposed himself. So I stood in the shade of his boner.How hot is it? People were pouring McDonalds coffee in their laps to cool off!It's so hot, I saw fat guy walking down the street marinating himself.Here's how hot it is -- police arrested three guys trying to break into the museum. They weren't trying to steal anything; they just wanted an excuse to crawl in the air ducts.Peace the fuck OUT! Read more:weather
Go the fuck away. I am in the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer 2006-07-31 16:38:00 No blog today. I am in the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer
on CNN. Don't bother me. Don't bring your noise. Step off.Nobody messes with me when I'm in the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer
. We are in here kicking it, acting self-important, and getting news and images from around the world as they happen, muthafuckas, so shut the fuck up and leave me alone.Look. There's the same footage of the same shit that's been running all day on CNN, Fox and every other news channel around the world. Before, it was lameass B-roll BULLshit. But now, it's in the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, so it's current, important and vital.Peace the fuck OUT!
Dumb asses and the art of fucking with them 2006-07-29 13:45:00 This shit is funny.It's amazing how much you can dick with insecure muthafuckas with minimal effort.I do this shit at Starbucks all the time. Sometimes, I act like a 1970s Black Panther militant while I'm ordering, just to lay white guilt on the college kids behind the counter. I have blogged about this shit before, but I'm tired today, so I'm going to do it again."This coffee ain't black enough for me!" I will mumble, giving my best skunk eye to the chick with the pierced tongue, nose, eyebrow and, for all I know, pierced ass cheeks. "What do you have in a true, proud, Nubian blend?""We....have....Ethiopian," she will say with fear, turning so white that she becomes opaque."Oh, so know I'm an African? Is that what you're saying? Is that what this is all about? Or is the African coffee for me because I'm African-American. I ain't good enough for the Colombian or the French Roast? You don't think they have brothers in Colombia or France? Have you ever seen Tony Parker or Boris Read more:fucking
I employ two cliches from the blogosphere 2006-07-25 19:54:00 First, I wrote "blogosphere," just like every other broke-dick dog with a broadband connection and an extraordinary amount of unsolicited opinion.Secondly, and more significantly, I am using it in a blog written while I am sitting on a toilet in the men's room of the downtown bus station, while awaiting inspiration.Every blogger on the world wide muthafuckin' web -- from that Wonkette chick to some dork from Spokane who calls himself "The Biggest Stewie Fan In The Wurl, LOL -- has fallen back on the "blogging-while-crapping" BULLshit. Why, just Monday, Anderson Cooper blogged about the path to peace and plugged his memoirs while pinching a loaf from Stall No. 2 in the men's room of the Beirut Hilton.So I came here for inspiration, but all I'm getting is exposure to some toxic muthafuckin' fumes.I tried to write from the library, but then I stopped myself after remembering about my neighbor Microwave Raheem. He used to carry this bigass Westinghouse microwave around on his shoulder
Thursday night and some deaf muthafuckas 2006-07-14 12:10:00 It was another typical Thursday
night in life of a badass Internet raconteur.First, I ate alfresco at Church's Chicken and -- while ordering, getting free refills on Big Red or getting extra ketchup packets -- tried to guess the meaning of the jailhouse tattoos on the low lifes who work there.It's a little game I call "(Security) Risk!" in which I try to ascertain the logical progression of a Church's employee's tats.Santeria? Mexican Mafia? Satanism? And how does a pentagram on the neck, a spider web on the elbow, a skull on the chest and the words "dark" and "white" on the knuckles all tie in to each other? And why would a woman think that this is a flattering look? Who the fuck knows? And that's half the fun!After that, I went to the Samuel L. Jackson Community Center, or the "MF" as the locals call it, and drank 40s and discussed the works of Maya Angelou with my hearing-impaired boys at the Deaf Poetry Jam.We find her works to be rich and textured in their discussion of the u
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