Owner: Paul McGuire's Blog URL:http://paul-mcguires-blog.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 08:13:34 -0500 Rating:1 Site Description: Here's an extract from today's Blog:
"I’m sure David and his Conservatives have a much more interesting mission but to be quite honest I don’t dare look. I’ve always been under the impression Conservative means “Moderate” and “Cautious” - No word of a Site statistics:Click here
2006-10-06 11:02:00 "I Wonder Why"
According to the Internet the current world population is 66,54,066607 and grows by about 5 people each and every second! That means by the time I finish this article a population equivalent to Littlehampton's will have popped into this world. Amazing. Out of those 66 zillion or so people you would think more would refuse to participate in life. If I try and force things on people they very rarely, if ever choose to take it, I reckon I would even struggle giving £20 to a stranger if I repeatedly insisted they where to have it. Now I don't remember being asked if I fancied spending 5 years wetting myself, 15 years teaching myself, 50 years working myself silly, and then 5 or so years wetting myself again. So even though we have life forced on us and we all hate being forced to do things - we all seem to stick at it with varying levels of success.
Don't get me wrong; I have less than most to complain about, I don't have to struggle through life like some do. I l
2006-10-05 17:58:00
"Half Baked Ideas and a Comfortable Bed."
I spend much of my day dreaming up amazing business ideas that may or may not make me millions. Lucky for me I'm still young and naive enough to believe I will make a fortune during my lifetime, but sadly I'm now also old enough to realise that when I do become rich, I'll almost certainly have lived the years in which being unimaginaly wealthy would have been most fun...
I'm becoming more confident with every losing lotto ticket that God hasn't chosen me to be a lucky winner, which basically means I'm going to have to become rich using my charm, looks and intelligence, I can see that taking some time.
Back when I left school I set myself a ten year target, I felt I'd easily be a millionaire by thirty. Ten years seemed long enough and the thought of working beyond thirty seemed (and still seems) terryfying. Fast Forward to present day and in years i'm halfway to my goal. Unfortunately ageing has by far been the easiest part of
2006-10-04 10:15:00
"I'm Back"
Hi everyone - I'm assuming "everyone" is once again "no-one" due to my updates being about as regular as an Ethopian Imodium addict, however I will once again use my unique form of "humour" combined with interesting and relevant topics to win back my readership, and when that fails I'll spam everyone I know and force them to come & read...
I do apologise for the last few days, but as from tomorrow (today if you count this nonsense) the Blog will return to its almost daily almost funny previous glory.
2006-09-22 14:50:00 "Kiev Trip + Happy New Year"
I'm sitting in Kiev airport, my return flight to England leaves in a few hours but I have arrived here very early, not out of choice but because I can't speak Russian and "airport" was the only English word the Ukrainian Taxi driver was prepared to understand. So the time I'd allocated for sight seeing will now be dedicated to my blog!
I touched down in Kiev Yesterday, on what was the strangest flight that I believe has ever taken place!
I nearly didn't make the flight, most people would blame my poor time management for this but I blame the bloody M25 traffic. When I finally got to Heathrow I noticed there was a large amount of Jewish men about, more than I'd ever seen before in one place... I didn't know it then but that would soon change!
I followed a couple of them through security and towards my boarding gate. Heathrow is massive and my boarding gate was approximately 7 miles from the departure lounge - the closer I got to the gate -
2006-09-18 17:46:00 "Time is Money..."
I really wish it where possible to have a few more hours each day. Before I started this Blog I was more than happy with the standard hours to day ratio I'd been provided with. But now It's just no longer sufficient. I estimate that with just 1 hour more per day I could research and write a quality yet humorous blog. But there is one problem - if this new "Blogging Hour" was to be introduced at the wrong time of day it would be no use to me whatsoever... I find time is very much like money - you get more satisfaction from wasting it than using it wisely. I don't think I'm alone with the "easy come, easy go" attitude - for instance if you where told you could start work one hour later than you currently do, would you get yourself down the gym first thing or just spend an extra hour asleep? Exactly!
Like most people I'd be happy to spend the extra hour in bed and by doing so end up with one less usable hour a day! And don't think money is any differ
2006-09-14 11:11:00
"Red Tops"
Most week days I buy a paper from the local garage, I don't really know when I started doing this but it is now one of my many habits - I plan to discuss other habits with you in future "sessions" but for the moment this will certainly break you in gently.
My "favourite" Red Top is "The Sun" but in truth, it's unimportant which daily tabloid I purchase as they all follow the same format. There are 4 main areas of interest in a Red Top.
1. Front Page
Often the least captivating part of the days read is the leading Headline. By lunchtime (when I purchase my paper) the days "big" news has already become common knowledge, for instance most of the Red Top's are covering the Montreal College Shooting Today, I heard about this on the news almost 24 hours ago, and got an update on the radio as I drove to work... big news becomes old news very quickly these days, that's why I would like to suggest to the many chief editorial staff that read this Blog to go with u
2006-09-13 17:31:00
"More Ideas than your average Alsation!"
When I started out on this Blogging adventure - I was incredibly self assured (and had been for many years) that locked inside my head where litrally hundreds of interesting experiences, clever opinions and viewpoints
on sensitive issues
that everyone would admire me for. I knew with my wealth of experience in the arena of life I could apply my unique combination of wit and intelligence to create a formiddable Blog for all to read.
It's now become more than apparent I was actually mistaking myself for TV comedian and legend John Cleese...
I've been writing for about 2 weeks now, and I've come to realise that although I had high hopes for my ability; my witty anecdotes are lacking in both wit and infact substance, my clever opinions which until now I always kept to myself are in reality
intellectually
on par with an 8 year old alsation and my viewpoints on sensitive issues are somewhat warped from what is generally accepted a
2006-10-17 16:49:00 "Future Humans"
I read in the news today that over the next 1000 years evolution will rapidly speed up as natural selection becomes... well less natural. This is a theory I have been thinking about for some time. We all know that humans have evolved from monkeys - this is still very clear to see in many of us today. However we tend to think that now we have daytime television, hand held computers and running hot water we have reached the evolutionary finish line. But of course evolution is ongoing and happening right now, the process is speeding up and as us humans begin to understand the process in more depth we are bound to mess it up one way or another...
Humans have been meddling with the evolution of other species for many generations. Faster and stronger horses have been bred by forcing generation after generation of the fastest horses to mate with strongest horses. This means in the year 2006 we now have the fastest, strongest horses of all time, humans haven't stopped at
2006-10-23 17:51:00
"Travellers Guide to Europe"
One of the main reasons I haven't been keeping upto date with posts to this blog is laziness but also I've been attending trade exhibitions across Europe. For those of you who don't know about Europe, it is situated between America and Asia, just above Africa. Half of Europe is sunny leaving the other half cold and snow covered. Many languages are spoken in Europe, however English is spoken in all European countries so learning native languages is not esential and probably a little stupid. The most common currency in Europe is the cleverly named Euro, however American Dollars also seem to work in 90% of Europe.
Upon arriving in a European country the first thing you will need is a taxi to your hotel. A taxi can easily be obtained by walking around aimlessly in the arivals lounge of any European Airport. The more lost you look the quicker a taxi driver will aproach you. He can be identified by his worn leather jacket or stained budweiser t-shirt and
2006-10-23 17:51:00 "Travellers Guide to Europe [Part 1 - Arival]"
One of the main reasons I haven't been keeping upto date with posts to this blog is laziness but also I've been attending trade exhibitions across Europe. For those of you who don't know about Europe, it is situated between America and Asia, just above Africa. Half of Europe is sunny leaving the other half cold and snow covered. Many languages are spoken in Europe, however English is spoken in all European countries so learning native languages is not esential and probably a little pointless. The most common currency in Europe is the cleverly named The Euro, however American Dollars are also accepted in 90% of Europe.
When visiting Europe it is wise to know a little about how things work, this will allow your trip to run smoothly and avoid any expensive theropy on your return...
Upon arriving in a European country the first thing you will need is a taxi to your hotel. A taxi can easily be obtained by walking around aimlessly in the ar
2006-10-27 10:32:00
"The Secret Mind of the Woman"
For as long as I can remember (
which can sometimes be as little as 3-4 minutes
), I have noticed some major differences between myself - and the females that inhabit this planet - of course the physical differences are clear to see, I've marvelled at them for a good many years now - but the inner workings of our minds, our hopes, our fears and the way in which we handle situations makes me wonder how the hell we are meant to get along for more than five minutes at a time.
If you're a man who has ever had the misfortune of going on a shopping trip with a female partner you will understand what I mean. Now I can tolerate a Woman's Clothes Store... unfortunately only for about two minutes. Any longer and I start fantasising about beating myself unconscious with the nearest half price Stiletto. The inside of these shops mean nothing to the male, row upon row of frilly, glitter covered pink stuff that blurs into one big retail nightmare. There
2006-10-25 11:33:00 "Happy Birthday Lou!"
2006-10-31 11:52:00 "The Perfect Crime"
I have noticed that the majority of crimes shown on the news seem more simpleminded than masterminded, there is little or no planning involved. For example I recently read about a man who "held up" his local branch of HSBC, far from being the perfect crime, it turned out he'd visited 2 hours before to pay in a cheque, needless to say bemused staff could easily provide police with all the details they needed to make an arrest. He is now in Jail.
I think that it takes a certain level of stupidity to delude a person into thinking crime is a viable career path. I find it lucky that the type of person who is capable of planning, organising and carrying out a successful robbery is not the type of person to actually do it. That person is much more likely to be in full time employment which reduces their available time to carry out a robbery, banks shut at 5pm and are extremely busy during lunch hours, you just cant hold down a full time job and find time to rob a bank.
2006-11-01 10:47:00 "Blogging + Halloween"
I'd like to welcome all the readers who have found this blog using the Next Blog-> icon above. Just so you don't waste too much time my original posts where the funniest and its gradually deteriorated since I began running out of ideas. I suggest New Readers start reading from the start rather than read these posts first. But let me assure my loyal readers - I wont allow my lack of quality to get in the way of quantity and am happy to continue writing well into the future.
When looking for inspiration for this blog I often use the Next Blog-> icon to see what other people have to say... It turns out very little. It might help if I could read Spanish or Mandarin or any of the many, many blogs in foreign languages. Those blogs may well be a wealth of humour and intuition - but I'm guessing from the amount of animated images of hearts and family photos imbedded in those blogs I might be hoping for a little too much. The unsuprising theme that's most c
2006-11-02 10:12:00 "The Rise of The Internet"
I first connected to the Internet exactly 10 years ago today, back then the Internet was "dialled up" using squawky sounding modems and free CD's from magazine covers. For a monthly subscription fee you were given slow, unreliable access to an Internet that didn't serve any particular purpose. In 1996 music was still purchased on the "high street", porn was viewed on Video Cassettes and if you needed information you looked in "books". The Internet was basically only used as a place where Geeks could discuss Star Trek without being punched.
The internet used to be a dark and mysterious place where cookies could make withdrawals from your bank account and the Government could monitor what you searched "Alta Vista" for. People didn't understand what it was and were suspicious of its motives.
Luckily 10 Years on, even uneducated monkeys can succesfully access bananas-direct.com, and although millions of geeks still argue the correct pronunciation of "hello
2006-11-08 15:23:00 "Top Tramps®"
When passing a homeless person I will always give any change I have on me, I do it because it makes me feel like a better person, but also allows them to buy a cuppa tea or some heroin or whatever it is a tramp needs.
I don't see any problem with helping someone less fortunate than myself - but it does surprise me how many people tell me I'm stupid for doing so, their reasoning being that if they need money they should get a job. I don't think a comment like that makes me the stupid one... Until I see a job advertisement where the key skills required are muttering swearwords, uncontrollable twitching or smelling of urine I will continue to spare some change.
On my travels I have noticed distinct types of tramp. I intend to make my own "Top Tramps" card game based on the famous Top Trumps. Heres some samples.
1. "The Big Issue Sir" Tramp Preferred Uniform: Shell Suit
Smell Factor: 3/10
Population: Medium
Money Making Ability: 30%
"My Party's Mission"
All good political parties (... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "My Party
's Mission
"All good politicalparties
(and indeed the ones we have today) have a mission statement that acts to define a party's beliefs and to outline their goals. At the moment my political party hasn't even got a name, but I'm sure your all starting to realise I'm not one for getting hung up on the details.Labour says this:"The Labour Party is a democratic socialist party. It believes that by the strength of our common endeavour we achieve more than we achieve alone, so as to create for each of us the means to realise our true potential and for all of us a community in which power, wealth and opportunity are in the hands of the many, not the few. Where the rights we enjoy reflect the duties we owe. And where we live together, freely, in a spirit of solidarity, tolerance and respect.'Now I'm going out on a limb here but I bet you read two sentences then skipped down to here? I was under the impression Labour's intention has always been to appeal to the workin
"Party Political Broadcast"
Apologies for missing... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Party
Political Broadcast
"Apologies for missing a day out - then again I only know of one person who checks the blog daily... so I doubt very much its really effected anyone's day-to-day life to severely.The fact this is a "two dayer post" actually works out quite well. Over the last couple of days the UK has been subjected to numerous Labour MP's urging Tony Blair to name a date to step down, apparently so the party can "renew itself". Is it only me that can see how ironic such a statement is?If Blair steps down, John Prescott becomes the interim leader - now I dont know too many people who would put him incharge of their children let alone their country so I cant see that "renewing" Labour to much. Also whenever I see Prescott I cant help thinking of the Gorgs from Fraggle Rock. Just follow this link: The Gorgs and then this link: John Prescott see what I mean? For that reason alone I could not vote for him.It is however more likely that Gordon Brown will make the permanent
"Performance Enhancers"
I will put aside my polit... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Performance
Enhancers"I will put aside
my political ambitions for today, and instead focus on a less challenging subject that I also have absolutely no academic knowledge of. After all it is Friday.There has been much debate in recent years, months and days about drug abuse in sport. Yet its rare if not inexistent that performance enhancing methods gets a positive spin. My point being that many of the banned substances are naturally occurring in erm… nature. So why shouldn't Athletes be allowed to improve their performance using them?According to the governing bodies. The Top three reasons for banning performance-enhancing drugs in sport are:"protection of the athletes' health"- I just can't believe this. Otherwise why not ban athletes from smoking and driving fast in cars? Surely some of those intense training regimes are hazardous to the athlete's well being? I think the Athletes health is really the Athletes responsibility."respect for medical and sports ethics"- Fair eno
"My Final Word on Politics"
Last week I outlined ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "My Final
Word on Politics"Last week I outlined my ambitions to capitalise on Labour's downfall and create the "Perfect" Political party. The way things are at the moment - I reckon a Labrador Puppy would stand a great chance of being elected.Labour are falling apart, I have no idea who is in charge of the Lib Dems and I'm not convinced they do either, The Conservatives have David Cameron, who does seem the countries best choice. Which to me is a very very frightening situation.I really do think there's room for a new party, and with the right marketing a quality leader and some financial backing, A new party could be in power in a very short period of time. Now it would be wonderful to be in charge of that party and rule the country, if nothing else I'm sure the readership of this blog would increase if I were to be Prime Minister. But in reality, I haven't the Money, the will power or the stature to be Prime Minister.But I do have over a weeks worth of research that's allo
"Crikey"
I was shocked earlier today when I heard... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Crikey"I was shocked
earlier today when I heard the sad news Steve Irwin "Crocodile Hunter" had been killed while filming a documentary off the coast of Australia, on reflection it really shouldn't be a shock when someone who uses "Crocodile Hunter" as a job title gets killed while at work, but all the same I wasn't expecting it.I just cant help thinking that the stingray knew exactly what he was doing, a stingray tail through the heart, I've never heard of that before, and it certainly brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "sleeping with the fishes". I can almost imagine an incredibly miffed Reptile placing a contract on Steve Irwin's head after being humilated infront of his mates. I don't know what stingrays like to eat, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if a boatload is delivered courtesy of "Ramon the Rattle Snake" in the near future... Now I don't usually buy the whole conspiracy thing but killed by a Stingray, its just too weird.Anyway all joking aside, it's
"One Week Anniversary"
Today's post concludes my ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "One WeekAnniversary
"Today
's post concludes my first entire, uninterupted week of blogging! this obviously excludes both the weekend and bank holiday Monday, but im not prepared to be drawn into the technicalities. As far as i'm concerned today marks 7 whole days since I started, and that is for me a milestone to be proud of.I'd like to thank all three of my regular readers for your continued support - and invite anyone who has enjoyed this weeks posts to comment in the designated area. I wish you all a pleasant weekend and I'll see you all again bright and early Monday morning.
"Driving Dogs + Introduction"
Its interesting tha... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Driving
Dogs + Introduction
"Its interesting
that, on announcing to my girlfriend (of over 12 months I might add) that I am to start my very own blog it was not viewed upon with the same enthusiasm and general excitement that I myself had.... erm had.You see - I see this as an exciting new way I can express myself, spread hapiness and good will but most importantly (and my main reason for this blog) inforce my opinions onto weaker minded individuals regarding politically sensitive topics like Terrorism, Immigration and todays story about a Chinese dog who crashed a car.Louise sees this as another way I can massage my ego... I think we both have valid viewpoints.So here it is my small Paul shaped (comical) dent on the World Wide Web... I dont know how long I will keep this up for but if its anything like the diary I started when I was 14 i'll of lost interest by Thursday."Dog Crash" - http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,91059-1232293,00.htmlI read in the news recently about a Chin
"Who the Hell Are You?"
I suppose today's heading... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Who the Hell Are You?"I suppose today's heading is a bit confusing and altogether misleading, I could just go change it now, but then I wouldn't have an opening sentence would I. You see Im not asking "Who the Hell Are You?". In fact I doubt anyone is actually reading this to answer, if I was indeed to ask. So I wont. Instead I will assume the above is you asking me "Who the Hell Are You?" - Well I did say its confusing didn't I, should really change it but then...So in answer to your question... It would be easy, and mind dullingly predictable to list my personal details, hobbies IM and Mobile Number and anyway there is a "My Profile" (that I havent bothered filling out) if you wanted to know my favourite colour.Instead I intend over the days weeks and months (I may or may not continue writing this blog for) I will pick a small part of my life and introduce you all to it slowly. Think of it as getting to know a friend. Although please remember there is a big distinction between
"PaulMcGuire.Com"
I was going to tell you about m... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "PaulMcGuire.Com"I was going to tell you about my dog today, but I fear this blog may become to canine biased if I'm not careful.As the more Intellectually gifted of you might have come to realise, my name is Paul McGuire, considering the average person has absolutely no control over their birth name whatsoever mine could have turned out much much worse, its certainly not cool like "Calumn Best" or tough like "Al Pacino" but I do count myself luckier than some - recently while out shopping the PA system blurted out for a Mr Andrew Pratt to report to the information kiosk, you have to wonder about his parents motives.However its not all rosy -first of all I have to share my name with probably one of the biggest God loving nut cases ever to inhabit the world wide web and that's no easy achievement. Paul McGuire from paulmcguire.com is a man who has (on my last count) incorrectly predicted the end of the world no less than twice and appears to have yet again rescheduled this disastero
"Traffic Lights"
I spend much of my time getting ... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Traffic Lights
"I spend much of my time getting angry at moronic product designers... for starters, TV manufacturers don't waste your time with High Density Hard Disk recording Flat Panel LCD Technology - all I ask is to simply put a button on the front of your TV sets that makes the remote control buzz and beep like crazy. I lose the remote control at least 50 times a week but I have never ever once lost the TV - I'd be first in a very long queue to buy a TV that saves rummaging around the back of the settee looking for the darn remote, oh and Three Piece Suite manufacturers why not stop fixing the fabric down at the back of settees with razor sharp staples? Every time I put my hand down a couch it comes back out looking like its been in a fight with a stray tabby, blood everywhere and I still haven't found the remote, and I'm not even going to start on the troubles I have trying to unwrap a plaster one handed while the other bleeds itself to death - but I'm sure if your main
"Opinions, Experts and Voting"
I don't fully und... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Opinions
, Experts
and Voting
"I don't fully
understand many things; actually I doubt I fully understand anything at all. Luckily to counteract this lack of specific knowledge I collect small nuggets of information about a wide variety of subjects. That way I'm able to progress day to day without too many problems. Basically I'm a stupid person who pretends to be smart. Idiots fall for it and smart people think I'm an idiot. Luckily there are many many more idiots - so I am happy with the situation.I envy people who are born smart enough or work hard enough to become experts in a particular field, whether that be quantum physics or tiddly winks, it just doesn't matter - these are the people who make an impact on the world. For example five hundred years ago Michelangelo did some decorating work for the Pope... they haven't redecorated since. Now that's something to be proud of. On the other hand I did some painting for my parents about five years ago. They have since redecorated
"Happy New Year"
It seems to be the time for come... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Happy
New Year"It seems to be the time for comebacks, in recent months we have seen "Take That" successfully make a return to the charts... then the not so magnificent "Five" came back as just Four albeit with limited impact, and now... Due to underwhelming demand I've decided to climb aboard the comeback "Band" Wagon and thrust my Blog headfirst into 2007 with enough new material, ideas and jokes to last until early February. Read more:Happy New Year
"Chartin me Fartin"
I read today that chart histo... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Chartin me Fartin"I read today that chart history has been made by a little known band called Koopa. The unsigned 3 piece entered the UK Top 40 at number 31 due to new rules allowing digital downloads to make up 100% of a songs chart position.The article got me thinking... If three ugly unsigned kids from Colchester could make the top 40, I want to know how I can do it! To my surprise its an amazingly simple achievement to make… It costs just 20 pound to register a song with all the leading digital providers such as iTunes, Napster and that rubbish HMV attempt that came two years too late. Anyway once registered the song is instantly available to download and what I found to be even more encouraging (my in-extensive research proves) you need only reach 2500 downloads in one week for the song to hit the top 40. Which would guarantee its played on BBC Radio1.Armed with this information I have formulated a cunning plan. I will record myself farting to a "pumping" beat, I then register
"Chapatti Bombers"
You may have heard the story a... 1970-01-01 00:59:59 "Chapatti Bombers
"You may have heard the story
about six Muslim fanatics that unsuccessfully attempted to bomb the London Underground using bombs made from Chapatti flour... All the reports I have read specifically mention Chapatti flour so I'm guessing that's a key ingredient in both home made Chapattis and Bombs. I don't have a bomb or Chapatti recipe to hand, but I do wonder if either would really insist on Chapatti flour? It has occurred to me - maybe the reason the bombs didn't work was due to the Chapatti Flour - The bomb Instructions might have specifically required Corn flour... but when the bombers got to Tesco, Chapatti flour was two for one and they thought it was a thrifty move. Had self-raising Flour been offering double club card points things could have been very different indeed.Apparently the Chapatti Bombers also bought 282 bottles of hairdresser's bleach, in order to make the Chapatti Flour explosive. And when someone questioned why six African males would requ
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