Jokes 2007-08-11 16:03:00 A blonde and brunette sit watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatning to jump off a bridge. the blonde says to the brunette i bet you ?100 that he doesn't jump the brunette replies ' ok i bet you ?100 that he does jump. Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself. the blonde gets out ?100 and gives it to the brunette. The brunette says 'i can't take your money.' 'Why not replies the blonde?'Doctor And Lawyer TalkA doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When h Read more:Jokes
Computer Jokes 2007-08-13 16:53:00 Before Computer
sAn application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano!Memory was something that you lost with ageA CD was a bank accountAnd if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the roadA mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to your commode!Cut - you did with a pocket knifePaste you did with glueA web was a spider's homeAnd a virus was the flue!I guess I'll stick to my pad and paperAnd the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crashBut when it happens they wish they were dead! Computer StupidityCustomer: "Hello, is this tech support?" Tech Support: "Yes, it is; what is the nature of the problem you're having?" Customer: "I can't seem to power this thing up." Read more:Jokes
Knock Knock 2007-08-16 17:17:00 Knock KnockWho's there?Luke!Luke who?Luke through the keyhole and you'll see!Knock KnockWho's there?Luther!Luther who?Luther the silver lining!Knock KnockWho's there?Lyndon!Lyndon who?Lyndon ear and I'll tell you!Knock KnockWho's there?Madame!Madame who?Madame foot is caught in the door!Knock KnockWho's there?Mae!Mae who?Mae be I'll tell you or Mae be I won't! Read more:Knock
, Knock Knock
Knock knock 2007-08-16 17:14:00 Knock KnockWho's there?Kendall!Kendall who?Kendall and Barbie go together!Knock KnockWho's there?Kenneth!Kenneth who?Kenneth little kids play with you!Knock KnockWho's there?Kent!Kent who?Kent you tell who it is?Knock KnockWho's there?Kentucky!Kentucky who?Kentucky too well, have a sore throat!Knock KnockWho's there?Kenya!Kenya who?Kenya guess who is it?
Funny 2007-08-16 01:23:00 Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?A1: Take your foot off his head.A2: No. Good! Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?A: There was an empty seat. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?A: Stick his bill up his ass. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with Read more:Funny
Gorila 2007-08-16 01:18:00 A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions 1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition 2. "Se
Banged Up Pirate 2007-08-23 14:47:00 A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?" "A seagull shit in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." Bad Husband's Routine A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowlin Read more:Banged
, Pirate
2007-08-22 13:31:00
Ode To A Mammogram 2007-08-21 08:24:00 For year’s years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests." So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law... Guarded them very carefully, And always wore a bra. After 30 years of careful care, The Doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump. "Stand up very close," she said, as she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, Ah yes!There! Thats just fine." She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down... My Boob was in a vice!! My skin was stretched'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squashed To Swedish pancake thin!! Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vice-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath," she said to me. Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting. "There, that was go
Surprise 2007-08-25 16:50:00 One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth you picked up in the City," he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know." "Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!" Mousey TaleThree mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of Read more:Surprise
2007-08-28 16:33:00 MAKING A POINTA rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." Scottish FarmerThe pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he w
Funny 2007-11-12 13:50:00 Friendship Bracelet If you delete after reading ... you'll spend a year of ill luck!But... if you send it to (at least) two friends .. you'll have 3 years of good luck!!! *** Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible? Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are:I love you, Sorry, and Help me. Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty? Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two-fold?Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you sa Read more:Funny
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