Jokes
2007-07-15 15:42:00
A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.The interviewer starts with the basics."So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name
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Immortality
2007-07-15 15:38:00
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Doyou think I'll live to be 80?"He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?""Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!""Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?""No, I don't," I said.He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?""No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be80?"
Republican and Democrat
2007-07-15 15:35:00
A Republican
and a Democrat
were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.
Joke Funny
2007-07-15 15:26:00
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."
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New Born Panda, a must see
2007-07-14 14:45:00
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ONLY in...............................
2007-07-18 15:30:00
Really good...god helps !!
2007-07-17 18:24:00
Super Dog...If Dogs could Send a Letter to God...
2007-07-17 15:54:00
Dear God,Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell oneanother? Where are their priorities?Dear God,When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?Or is it the same old story?Dear God,Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, thecolt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? Howoften do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Wouldit be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?Dear God,If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is hestill a bad dog?Dear God,If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?Dear God,More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.Dear God,When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?Dear God,Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling atthe moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is theSchnauzer across the street.Dear God,Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I h
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, Letter
Big Fish
2007-07-18 17:11:00
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Vanilla Pudding Robbery
2007-07-18 16:52:00
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. T
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, Pudding
, Robbery
Duba Another Word
2007-07-22 15:04:00
Fanny Stories
2007-07-24 17:58:00
I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customercalls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine thegeneral nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it onan electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call,so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is intheir area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are notgenerally familiar with Unix.Spelling errors can happen. "The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite" "Air message on consol"Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this: "Cannot get into the library" "Runaway process boards" "Terminals need to be brightened up" ...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal. "Question about braking when dialing in from a modem" ...calling from your car phone? "Does not see the boot" ...check the end of your foot. "Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine" ...mmmm, just LOV
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, Stories
Three Girls Go Camping
2007-07-24 17:47:00
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three
minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
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, Camping
A little longer
2007-07-23 16:38:00
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" They hear the echo several times. Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!" One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" "For three reasons. One, he took a long time to answer; two, he was absolutely correct, and three, his answer was absolutely useless." A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the airport sirens rang out. Finally, one of the
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Funny Jokes hoho
2007-07-23 16:10:00
Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?A. To get to the other - er... Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?A. He works it out with a pencil. Q. What's the value of a contour integral around Western Europe?A. Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe. An English mathematician was asked by his very religious colleague:Q. Do you believe in one God?A. Yes - up to isomorphism. Q. What's purple and commutes?A. An abelian grape. Q. What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?Alternatively: Q. What's yellow and pro-choice?A. Zorn's Lemon. Q. Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?A. Because he left a residue at every pole. Q. Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?A. That's the Law of Spline Demand. Q. What's nonorientable and lives in the sea?A. Möbius Dick. Q. What is an 'ugh'?A. The dual of a cough. Q. Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
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, Jokes
, Funny Jokes
Glacial Epoch
2007-07-23 15:56:00
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Tripping Balls and Cooking Steaks
2007-07-26 16:20:00
This truly has to be one of the funniest stories of my college career. I can stil barely gather any sort of focus as I recount last night's events so I can submit this fuckin story. This is probably why I'm broke and on the 5-6 year college plan.Still hungover as FUCK from the night before, my friend/roommate managed to wake me up in order to figure out if he could use my bag so he could go the gym. Seeing how I had been going to the gym for like a month straight and definitely noticing results, I figured I should bite the fuckin bulllet and go to the gym as well.After a good workout I decided I better spend some of my last dollars getting extremely fucked up. I bought a case of Schooner, and started drinking at like 6pm, makin some good fuckin steaks to eat as well.By 12 I had finished probably 16 beers, so it was a pretty good idea to head out to the bar. My roommate and I eventually had a few shots and many beer. The crazy part of the night happened at Ducky's a popular bar for t
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, Steaks
Some funny ones in here
2007-07-26 14:55:00
Sexy Timepiece
2007-07-29 16:20:00
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch." Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically." "Rubbish," says the girl. "No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on." The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on." "Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on." "Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"
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College Stories
2007-07-29 15:42:00
The following is the accounts are the real life happenings of the life of my life on the weekend of December 9th and 10th this piece must remain within my private collection for if it were released on Facebook I would probably get sued or murdered...but with the amount of weed I smoke I’m going to forget about it if I don’t keep a record of itThe time is 10:30AM Friday morning and my vehicle known as the dirt wagon has broken down on the left hand side of a busy road. Smoke puffed from each side of my hood and the engine went dead. I called the only person I knew who knew anything about cars, Cabby.“Fuck yourself I’m sleepin,” and the call ended in 43 seconds. Cabby was not going to help.Over the next two hours waiting for a tow in the cold I had to change all of my plans for the weekend because I now, had no way of returning to the land of Utica. Later I found out that the starter in my car had caught fire and burned some shit up but it would be ready by Monday. This means I
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, Stories
True Stories
2007-08-01 08:00:00
I opened the door back up, wondering where I had found the nerve. This was a first for me, on many levels. I usually don’t make the first move, and I had never been with a woman before. All night there had been sexual tension in the air, so thick you could cut it. She was talking about how she would like to be with a woman, wondering what it would be like. I was thinking almost the same thing, wondering what she would be like. We finished our drinks, the evening getting late, and she said goodbye, with a little bit of regret in her tone. I shut the door and stood there a minute, making up my mind, hoping I had not imagined the signals. Opening the door back up, I leaned around the corner and called her name. She turned around and walked back to me, a question, and maybe even hope, on her face. I wrapped my hand around her neck and pulled her mouth to mine, kissing her. I leaned back and looked at her, silently asking if she wanted to stay. She smiled, and I tugged her by the
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, True Stories
Blonde
2007-08-03 16:49:00
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier.......... Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus? A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs? A: Cos they've no idea of the route. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle? A: You shine a torchlight in her ear. Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck. Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm? A: E-I-E-I-O. Q: How do you measure their intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear. It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle. She tried putting batteries in it. To amuse a Blon
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A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a...
2007-08-06 17:09:00
A Scotsman, American
, and an Irishman are in a bar.They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"The others agree that sounds like a good place.Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!""Wow!" say the other two. "That's f
Training the blonde
2007-08-05 16:01:00
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Top 10 blonde inventions
2007-08-05 15:57:00
1. The waterproof towel 2. Solar powered flashlight 3. Submarine screen door. 4. A book on How to read 5. An inflatable dart board. 6. A dictionary index. 7. Ejector seat in a helicopter 8. Powdered water 9. Pedal- powered wheel chair. 10. Water proof tea-bag.
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There were two nuns..
2007-08-05 04:33:00
One of them was known as SisterMathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrived. S
Even When They Lie, Women are Noble
2007-08-08 17:23:00
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked:"My dear child, why are you crying?"The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.Again, the seamstress replied, "No."The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "Yes."The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.Some years later, the seamstress was walking wit
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, Noble
Funny Photo Hoho
2007-08-08 16:33:00
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, Photo
, Funny Photo
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He or...
2007-08-08 16:16:00
A guy walks
into a bar with his pet monkey
. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is dis
Trees-A Poem
2007-08-12 07:40:00
I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o'er which my ball must flyif on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard,and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extendto kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there,while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like mewho cannot ever miss a tree.
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