FIFI IN THE NIGHT
2006-10-22 12:36:00
PLEASE NOTE: THIS SKETCH WAS SEVERELY COMPROMISED WHEN PARTS OF IT WERE LEAKED TO THE LOCAL PROSECUTOR GENERAL'S OFFICE BY A JEALOUS EX-POSTMAN AND A GAGGING ORDER WAS SLAPPED ON THE SCENES OF GRATUITOUS SEX, VIOLENCE AND GLUTTINOUS ABANDON ACCOMPANIED BY SPARKY'S TOE JAM. IF YOU FEEL INCENSED, OUTRAGED OR JUST PLAIN CURIOUS AS TO THE BITS LEFT OUT, E-MAIL US AND WE WILL PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED... OR NEVER BE SEEN OR HEARD OF AGAIN. WHICH SOME CLAIM MAY BE A GOOD THING. YOU DECIDE.
FIFI: What I get up to under the cover of darkness is very poisonal, not for your prying eyes, but I will say that I'm often so tired the next morning I feel that I simply MUST slow down. There's only so much of me to give. Coffee...
Can you hear the paper clips falling from the sky, pelting my window panes? Why? Why? Why?
Last night I dreamt the earth was round and the G spot went deeper and deeper and...
The love of my life is a frogWho lives in a slime-covered bogOur noisy assignationsCause publ
FRESH OCTOPUS IN THE NIGHT
2006-10-20 13:14:00
PLEASE NOTE: NO OCTOPUS
ES OR OTHER ANIMALS WERE HURT DURING THE RECORDING OF THIS SKETCH
(Octopussy plays Donna Summer's I Feel Love badly on bagpipes, squirts dark inky substance across playpen, does several rolly pollys with bagpipes entwined, comes to rest in the corner with all three hearts about to burst, pants contentedly, strokes bagpipes with leading suction cup then sinks into deep, satisfying slumber)
BUFFALO: Ah, sweet!
BIRD: Brings tears to yer eyes.
BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
BIRD IN THE NIGHT
2006-10-19 12:16:00
BIRD: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Marks & Spencers... new socks... must buy...
BUFF IN THE NIGHT
2006-10-18 13:24:00
BUFFALO: Gently does it. Sleep, Sparkers old chum, sleep. I know you've got some cash in that mattress of yours and I'm gonna find it, I mean borrow it. Times are hard and you don't need it, not now Cindy's cinders, like. Ah, what's that? Something lumpy. Yes, I think it could be exactly what the doc ordered. Wass this? A newspaper, from 1985. Pasadena Times. "Embezzler Walter Sparkington Flees Court House. Massive Manhunt Begins." Gott und Himmell, Sparky, just WHO are you?
SPARKY: (muttering) I'll... get you, Charlie. Not another step, man. I'll blow yer head off, marzipan.
BUFFALO: Mon dieu. A fugitive from justice, like. Gawd, is that the time. The wolf will be howling out yonder. Gotta go. Jeez, wot am I doing? Sparky must never know. But... My oldest friend. But... Stuck with me through thick and thin. But... There might be a reward for his capture. Sorry, old chum, the law's the law. And this poor auld Buff's got no choice.
(shuffles away while titte
RODDERS 8 ME-ME
2006-10-17 12:45:00
BIRD: Thinking of buying a goat to cut the grass.
BUFFALO: Great idea. Get the right one and you could get yer milk for free.
BIRD: Or we could just rip it up and cover it with gravel.
BUFFALO: In an English country garden? No way, Birdman.
BIRD: Good point, Buffters. Any Hooey, this 8 Me-Me thingie...
BUFFALO: Yeah?
BIRD: Got some great e-mails. Today it's Rodders from Plymouth. Get ready to soil yerself, dude. This guy is one serious jerk-berk.
"Dear Birdy,
Rodders here. You're so funny. Here are eight things about me I have never told anyone. Hope it helps.
1. I'm afraid of lemons. Whenever I see one, I have to cross the road.2. My mother has a Willy Wonka, but my dad says it's OK, it's hormonal. But I wish she'd shave her beard off!3. My first love was my maths teacher, Miss Scruncher. I saw her panties once when she bent over whilst sharpening her pencil. God bless Marks & Spencers.4. I read very slowly - about ten words a minute - but I'm not thick and I like reading a
SPARKY 8 ME-ME
2006-10-16 12:38:00
EIGHT THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT SPARKY
.
WARNING ADVISORY: NOT SUITABLE FOR THOSE WHO HAVE JUST HAD BREAKFAST. MAY ONLY BE READ BY MINORS ACCOMPANIED BY A PARENT
SPARKY: OK, here goes, man. First thing you didn't know about me is I got a very small bladder.
BUFFALO: Jeez. The WHOLE world knows that, Sparkers. Give us sumfin' truly deeply revelatory.
SPARKY: I love the smell of Napalm. Got some in my wardrobe for a rainy day.
BUFFALO: Fookin' Nelly! You really are a weird fookeroo, y'know that? Next.
SPARKY: I lost my virginity at the age of ten when I saved a 17-year-old brunette cheerleader from treading on a pitch fork just outside Pasadena. Name of Trudy. Last thing she said to me was, "Now beat it, punk shite". If only I could find her now...
BUFFALO: Getting better. Next.
SPARKY: I cheated on Cindy with all the other dolls. Don't matter any more... now she's melted, man.
BUFFALO: Oh, Sparkers. That roaming rod of yours'll get you into big trouble one of these days. Go on
HEAD DOC BLUES
2006-10-14 10:11:00
WARNING ADVISORY: THIS POST HAS BEEN SCRUTINIZED BY THE UPTIGHT JERKOFFS EMPORIUM OF DECENCY KEEP IT BLAND ALLIANCE AND HAS BEEN PASSED SUITABLE FOR VIEWERS OVER THE AGE OF 21 WHO HAVE EITHER BEEN UNLUCKY IN LOVE OR ARE ABOUT TO GET DIVORCED
BUFFALO: Dude, saw the Head Doc today... Her theory is that all the shyte in my life is just "life" and I should get over it and quit being a whining bitch. Hmmph. Easy for her to say. She's a minx; what does she know about suffering? Oh, and I got pranged for clipping my fingernails in the waiting room... over the wastebasket, mind you. Whining bitches.
WALTER EGO SNR: Toughen up, Buff-o. When the going gets shite-y, the shite gets goin', or sumfin' like that.
BUFFALO: ****************************************************** you!
BIRD & BUFF INTERACTIVE IS GO!
2006-10-23 15:48:00
BIRD: Woo! This is fun!BUFFALO: Sure is.BIRD: Welcome to Bird & Buff Interactive, where you... yes, YOU, the READER, gets to talk live to the Bird & Buffalo. Ask us anything, that's anything. We're here for you. And our first caller is...BUFFALO: Uh, that'd be Ralf from Germany.BIRD: Hey, Ralf! Welcome to the show! What would you like to ask us?RALF: I would like to connect it blog. You are fantastisch. I write mean first novel in English. Possibly you can help.BIRD: Er, yeah. No problem. And your question is?RALF: My novel ist The Plasterung. Like it.BUFFALO: Hey, dude, that's great! Uh, Sharon's on Sky Pee 2. Hi, Sharon! I believe you can make your titties dance in 4/4 time?BIRD: Not so fast, Buffters. So, Ralf, you're writing a novel.RALF: Ja. I read.BUFFALO: Oh, scheitze on die Biken.RALF: Your German not so gut, Bueffel.BUFFALO: Bueffel?! Who the fook's Bueffel?BIRD: Cork it, Buffo. Sorry about that, Ralf. About your novel...RALF: The Plasterung.BIRD: Which means?RALF:
Read more: INTERACTIVE
JEREMY YOUTUBE LEMONS JUGS ARF, ARF
2006-10-24 12:28:00
BIRD: Well, that went well.
BUFFALO: Sure did.
BIRD: And the, ah-hm, donations are flying in.
BUFFALO: Yowzer to that, dude. Got holes in me socks and I need a new hooter.
BIRD: Hmm. Yes. Anyhoo, you know that Jeremy guy?
BUFFALO: The one who's got a blog called jeremyindiapers or somefink?
BIRD: In pants. Jeremyinpants. Nothing on it yet, but we'll keep an eye out for developments. Well, he wrote us the mostest coolest e-mail.
BUFFALO: Respect.
BIRD: So good, infarct, that I reproduce it here for your highest of pleasures.
BUFFALO: Right-o.
BIRD: And he writes: "Dear Bird & Buffalo, Last year I lost my wife, my cat, my goat, my mind and my rare Mongolian birds stamp collection. And then you two loons came into my life. I just wanna say... Ch-ch-cho-cho... Gimme a minute, will ya? Choking up over here."
BUFFALO: Poor fookster.
BIRD: "I just wanna say when I read the extract from Helmut's novel yesterday..."
BUFFALO: Ralf, dude. Ralf. Bueffel indeed! Schweinhund shagger.
BIRD: "W
Read more: JEREMY
, LEMONS
PLASTERUNG IST GERADE AUS!
2006-10-25 13:13:00
BIRD: Get this, dude. That German geezer Ralf.
BUFFALO: Oh, him. Mr Babelfish Schweinhund Shagger.
BIRD: That's the one. Well... his book...
BUFFALO: Gescheitze Strasse Nomer Eins.
BIRD: The Plasterung... has sent the big hitters in the publishing world into a bidding war.
BUFFALO: No way!
BIRD: As a result of appearing on da blog, like.
BUFFALO: Yeeks!
BIRD: They're talking half a mill.
BUFFALO: Wass?
BIRD: Apparent Lee, the internet yoot love all that pidjin-English-where's-the-fookin'-verb-and-object-MTV-has-fooked-over-our-beautiful-language- this-makes-no-sense-shite.
BUFFALO: Bunch of dummy kopfs!
BIRD: So...
BUFFALO: So?
BIRD: As a mark of gratitude...
BUFFALO: Huh?
BIRD: Ralf is gonna let us serialize the first six chapters on da blog.
BUFFALO: Goering on die Scheitze hausen! Nichts!
BIRD: Ja. Isn't that great news?
BUFFALO: Wunderbra! Check, pliz!
BIRD: And his German publishers want to translate Tails From The Bird & Buffalo Uncut.
BUFFALO: Ah, diese besser, like. Bu
EVERYDAY ABSCESS HORROR, AKA MAKE SQUIDGIES HISTORY
2006-10-26 19:37:00
BIRD: Fookin' abscess. The gum's in agony. And the antibios are giving me the squidgies.BUFFALO: Sorry to hear that, dude.BIRD: Still, been milking the sympathy from all the ladies, like. And I did win at pool last night.BUFFALO: Glad somebody won. The Tigers were beaten like gongs last night by the flaming St. Louis Cardinals, in St. Louis. Trying to raise my spirits by sipping Prince of Wales tea and eating homemade apple-cinnamon oatmeal.BIRD: Fancy tigers being beaten by cardinals. The shame of it. Head feels like it's about to go splat. Things can only get better.BUFFALO: Rewinds me of when mah wisdom teeth were removed in my early 20s. For two weeks I was on potent pain killers, yet I still thought my lower jaw was coming off. The first night after the surgery I woke up in the middle of the night choking on my own blood. Anyhoo, I hope you feel better soon.BIRD: Either that or it'll be a shotgun farewell, dude.BUFFALO: Now, now, let's have none of that, lad. Grin and bear
Read more: EVERYDAY
, ABSCESS
THE CURSE OF THE SQUIDGIES
2006-10-30 15:51:00
BIRD: Dire Rear, Buffo.
BUFFALO: Dude, youse wastin' away. You gotta do somefin'.
BIRD: I've tried all the remedies, Buffters - buttermilk, carrot soup, ginger, mint, pomegranate, mango, rice, but so far da only thing that's had any success, albeit limited, is the old Cabernet Sauvignon wine cork, strategically placed, like.
BUFFALO: Eeks!
BIRD: Difficult to regulate at night, if ya get m'drift.
BUFFALO: So is you off work, like?
BIRD: Off work, off play, off shagging after Tiffin. Jeepers, even Cadbury's Fruit & Nut has lost its allure.
BUFFALO: Boogeroo, dude. Does this mean the serialisation of dat Plasterung book might be delayed, like?
BIRD: Aw, that. Well, hactually, Ralf found a better deal.
BUFFALO: Die Grosse Schlanger Shagger!
BIRD: Quite. With the New Porker. But...
BUFFALO: No...
BIRD: Jeremy...
BUFFALO: Inmypants?
BIRD: Yahhh-p. Has agreed, for a small fee that would make the true hoors of this world salivate mightily...
BUFFALO: Gosh!
BIRD: ..to serialise his ne
Read more: CURSE
SQUIDGIES GALORE, OOPS ARMAGEDDON
2006-10-31 11:05:00
BUFFALO: It's the impending Armageddon thing, dude.
Shit hitting fans from every direction,One week away from the telltale electionNewscasts interfering with a decent erectionHolding Seppeku knife, contemplating vivisection.
POTTY DOTTY: I want more!
BUFFALO: Hey, Potty Dotty. Long time no see.
POTTY DOTTY: Went to Brighton for a while, to sort my head out. I became surrounded, if you will, by sensations. Didn't know where to turn. Spun a little. Then woke up in a Sainsbury's trolley on the pier with my knickers over my ears. With the Squidgies in tow.
BUFFALO: Sorry to hear that.
POTTY DOTTY: And with a thirst for blutwurst.
BUFFALO: Oh, baby!
POTTY DOTTY: And movies in May.
BUFFALO: Huh?
POTTY DOTTY: You can tell Sparky I'm ready for him now. This time his duvet and Toe Jam WON'T save him. Ta-ra.
BUFFALO: Dotty? Dotty? Where'd she go?
BIRD: Dude?
BUFFALO: Birdy? Squidgie update?
BIRD: Steady, Roy, steady. But ne'er mind that, Reggie. Ready for more The Diary of Mr Pitiful Moto
Read more: GALORE
, ARMAGEDDON
OLAF DRIBB AND THE OCTOPIDDLES
2006-11-01 12:36:00
POTTY DOTTY: Well, pardon me for saying so, but don't you think this Motown Piffle is overrated? I mean flow-of-consciousness is just SO yesterday. Has no-one in here read Olaf Dribb and the Octopiddle movement? Now THAT'S cutting edge.
BUFFALO: Wot the fookster on a spit are you goin' on about, Dott P?
POTTY DOTTY: Ah, so someone's alive.
BUFFALO: Bare Lee.
POTTY DOTTY: Olaf Dribb and the Octopiddle movement - literature for the multidimensional.
BUFFALO: Jeez. Shakespeare must be turning in his grave.
POTTY DOTTY: O ye of little faith. Listen to this, taken from his latest work The Bead Of Nevermore: "I woke up this morning, I thought I was dead, but I pinched myself VERY slowly and soon realised that dead has no place in my life, not today, not tomorrow but someday, and then when I noticed the clock on the wall I thought, damn, I'm late for the mortuary, well, not exactly late, because I don't work there or anything, just observe and help my friend Rodney, who does work there
TREATISE OF THE OCTOPIDDLE INVERSION UDDER
2006-11-02 12:27:00
TRANSLATED FROM THE SWEDISH BY OLAF DRIBBLE (All Rights Reversed)
O great Udder, speak to us. We are forever in your debt. Udder as dream, Udder as music. No udder passes our conscience in the way you do, penetrating deep down into the dark loins of our souls. We write in Octopiddle Inversion, awaiting the flesh and sinew of images. Udder is everything, we are nothing. Udder is time's carcass. Let us worship at the altar of none Udder, inverted in the Octopiddle way. "Diagonal! Diagonal!" I hear you say. Coming, Indigo. Coming.
FORTHCOMING ATTRACTIONS:SPARKY IN THE PARK WITH ALCOPOPSTHE FIFI TAPES - A RETROSPECTIVEOH WOT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE, PART 1 REDUX
PLUS!
THE CONCLUDING EXTRACT OF THE DIARY OF MR PITIFUL MOTOWN
PLUS! PLUS!
WHEN THE SQUIDGIES DON'T WORK - BIRDY SHARES HIS INNERMOST THOUGHTS ABOUT LIFE ON THE McDUMPSTER
ALL THIS AND SO MUCH MORE ON THE JERK-BERK BLOG SIMPLY EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT!!!!
"Gratuitous!" - The New Porker"Insipid!" - Pub Splashers Weekly"Lightweig
SPARKY IN THE PARK WITH ALCOPOPS PART 2
2006-11-05 13:04:00
SPARKY: Ice creams and swings. "Higher, Pop, higher! Yikes, think I'm gonna chuck up! Watch out!"
Read more: SPARKY
, ALCOPOPS
SPARKY IN THE PARK WITH ALCOPOPS PART 3
2006-11-05 13:04:00
SPARKY: Birds, trees, baseball, football, volleyball. Gawd, I hate Bicardi Breezers. Do I have to drink this shit?
Read more: SPARKY
, ALCOPOPS
SPARKY IN THE PARK WITH ALCOPOPS
2006-11-05 11:09:00
SPARKY: Gawd, it's real peaceful in this park, man. Back to nature, y'know? See those leaves up there? The US of A. It's a big place, man. Things happen here. Every day.
Read more: SPARKY
, ALCOPOPS
SPARKY IN THE PARK WITH ALCOPOPS PART 4
2006-11-05 13:04:00
SPARKY: I miss her, man. I really do. She may be potty. She may be dotty. But she was ALL woman. Hey, anybody got a beer?!
Read more: SPARKY
, ALCOPOPS
THE FIFI TAPES - A RETROSPECTIVE
2006-11-06 15:10:00
WHEN THE FIFI TAPES WERE FIRST PUBLISHED IN NEWS PRICK FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, THE WORLD WAS STUNNED & CURIOUSLY AROUSED. NOW IN A LONG-OVERDUE RETROSPECTIVE
, THE ORIGINAL INTERVIEWER, SOME SAY SALACIOUS TOAD WITH A PERMANENT STIFFY, RETRACES WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO SMASH THE QUASI-ETHEREAL BANALITIES OF EXISTENCE, AND EXPLORES THE SUBSEQUENT CATHARTIC REAWAKENING OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE GODDESS TO EVER COMBUST IN CYBERSPACEJERRY ARSHLICKER: You said fifteen years ago you were shocked by the furore the tapes caused. How do you think people would react today?FIFI: Time is circular. How the sands of time run through my fingers. Yoick!JERRY ARSHLICKER: Hm. Do you regret anything you said then?FIFI: His was full-on but no tongue. Mine was a bit more guarded. What more can I say?JERRY ARSHLICKER: Perhaps it's not what you say, or said even, but what you do, did?FIFI: Oh, I don't know. All desire left me and I retreated to my bills and my bathroom floor.JERRY ARSHLICKER: Yes. Tell me abou
O The Tangled Web We Weave Part 1
2006-11-07 10:50:00
BIRD: Wuzzup, Buff? Unless my nose relieves me, I smell Kryptonite.
BUFFALO: Your snorter is on the money, Birdo. They're showing back-to-back episodes of "Superman" on Turner Classic Movies.
BIRD: Blam! Ker-whamo! Grunkkk! Episodes? "Splain, pliss, Lucy.
BUFFALO: Old one-reelers from the early Forties, my avian friend, predating the TV show with George Reeves and the movies with Chris Reeve. "Cliffhangers," they called "em.
BIRD: Any good?
BUFFALO: They're high camp, written by alcoholic hacks and closet queens. In the current episode, the infamous Spider Lady is out to nail Superman.
BIRD: What, to shag him, like?
BUFFALO: No, you jerk-berk, to dust him, take him out, settle his hash, buy him a one-way ticket to Palookaville. Capice?
BIRD: One question... is she hot?
BUFFALO: Like a string of firecrackers, dude. She's a Lana Turner look-alike in a sheer black Rita Hayworth fookme evening gown, festooned with sequins. Lovely bit of prime cleavage, too.
BIRD: Bri
Read more: Tangled
, Weave
O The Tangled Web We Weave Part 2
2006-11-08 11:44:00
BUFFALO: Episode two coming up, Birdman. Cool, they're (pardon the expression) milking the last five minutes of the previous episode. Yep, there's Lois's little articulated nippers again... lovely.
BIRD: I hope you're taping this.
BUFFALO: They should have taped Lois's niblets, dude, they're so perky. Hard to believe they paid somebody to write this drivel, though.
BIRD: The dialogue's that lame, eh?
BUFFALO: Dig it, this is rich... the Spider Lady is making an anonymous phone call to the police department. She's telling them she's going to pull a heist at the Metropolis Museum in one hour and there's not a damn thing they can do about it. A bemused henchman asks, "Gee, boss, do you think it was a good idea tipping off the cops like that?"
BIRD: Does seem a bit precipitous, like.
BUFFALO: Aye... hard to say who's dumber, the Spider Lady or the cops, who have planted two fat dumb flatfeet outside the front door of the museum, which looks more like the entra
Read more: Tangled
, Weave
MID-TERM ERECTION BLUES - ROUND ONE
2006-11-08 13:14:00
PARENTAL ADVISORY: EXQUISITE LANGUAGE
BUFFALO: Yoo, hoo! Birdy, you der?
BIRD: Bare Lee. Gimme a minute, like.
BUFFALO: It's Erection Day here, dude, and I may have to emigrate if the dirty rotten fooker goes South again.
BIRD: Write somethin' about it for da blog. It'll be a laff.
BUFFALO: Will dew.
BIRD: Any news?
BUFFALO: There's been a tentative offer to shag me, like.
BIRD: Sparky?
BUFFALO: No, you berk... the outrageous Clare.
BIRD: Your platonic girlfriend, like? The paratrooper?
BUFFALO: Jeez. Paralegal, dude. She's fookin' brilliant and built like a brick shithouse. Check yer email, I just sent you a pic of her at 18.
BIRD: Lemme see... ah, here it is. (pregnant pause). Gott in Himmel! Is that really her?
BUFFALO: Aye, though she's a bit more mature now, mind.
BIRD: But still scrumptious?
BUFFALO: Eat her with a spoon, Birdy, especially the naughty bits. Bigger balcony now, too; she hadn't topped out at 18.
BIRD: The mind reels. Erection Day, indeed. But is this
Read more: ERECTION
WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG...
2006-11-09 16:37:00
TO PROMOTE A FRIEND'S NEW NOVEL Northern Cross - The NovelA happy marriage, a lovely home and a brilliant future as a commercial pilot - George Ashton seems to have it all... including twenty-five years of guilt from a college caper gone murderously wrong. Then his past catches up with him in the sinister form of Brady Keyes, looking for a pilot to fly a very special and highly illegal mission. When Brady reminds George of what really happened that night on Highway 89, it's soon clear his return is not just about catching up on old times. Manipulated and exploited, George piles betrayal upon betrayal in order to reclaim his life, only to discover that to win it all, he must be willing to risk everything.To read a sample chapter and find out more about Northern Cross & Chris Hudson, click here: />Northern Cross
BUY THIS BOOK... OR THE PUPPY'S OWNER GETS IT
2006-11-10 12:22:00
BUFFALO: Dude, the Hudster has beat me to the punch!! BIRD: The geezer in the photo, ya mean?
BUFFALO: Dat's right, Lucy. Christopher "Rock" Hudson.
BIRD: Looks a bit like Harrison Ford. Bet the gals fall at his feet.
BUFFALO: Put it this way, his woody's seen plenty of action. But Henny Way…
BIRD: So your long time partner in grime has cornered the grog, eh? BUFFALO: No, dude, get surreal, the mutt's nuts has gone and got his first book published, the darty swine! BIRD: You're having me on, right? BUFFALO: Scout's honor, Birdy, he's fookin' done it, he's busted his literary cherry! His first novel is out there on the Amazon, dude, big as life, bold as brass, and reasonably priced, too. BIRD: Uh, huh... and what is the title of this alleged coup? BUFFALO: Jeez. Don't you pay no attention to our flog blog? "Northern Cross"! BIRD: A religious treatise, is it? BUFFALO: Good lord, get the fook off of the Motown potty, dude, it's an action-packed adventure yar
THE FIVE-MINUTE ER... 60-SECOND INTERVIEW
2006-11-11 14:21:00
AFTER MUCH SOUL SEARCHING AND WRANGLING OVER ROYALTIES, THE BIRD & BUFFALO AGREED TO THE FIVE-MINUTE ER… 60-SECOND INTERVIEW FOR THE EAST FENWICK GRAMMAR SCHOOL'S "LEGENDS OF OUR TIME" HISTORY PROJECT. THE FULL INTERVIEWS, WHICH FRANK LEE, WERE DONE IN THE WORST POSSIBLE TASTE, ARE BEING EXAMINED BY PROFANITY FAIR MAGAZINE FOR PUBLICATION EARLY NEXT YEARGERRY ARSCHLICKER: Bird & Buffalo, welcome. Who are you? BIRD: Well, I'm Bird.BUFFALO: And I'm Buffalo.GERRY ARSCHLICKER: One at a time, pleez. OK, let's start with you, Mr Bird. Mr Buffalo, if you could go and sit in that cubicle with the headphones on and a Bud or two, the nurse will come and fetch you when we're ready.BUFFALO: Okey-doke. Good luck, dude.BIRD: Hey, thanks, dude. Right back at ya.GERRY ARSCHLICKER: So, Birdy, now old Buffters isn't here, tell us, what's the most annoying habit he has?BIRD: He salivates at the sight of erect nipples. Even his own. Most unedifying, like. Er, isn't that Mr & M
GROVELLING APOLOGY, MR PITIFUL MOTOWN, JEREMY 5-MINUTE INTERVIEW
2006-11-12 14:17:00
DUE TO LEGAL ISSUES, WE REGRET WE CANNOT YET BRING YOU THE BUFFALO'S 5-MINUTE... ER 60-SECOND INTERVIEW. INSTEAD, AT NO EXTRA COST, WE PRESENT TO YOU THE CONCLUDING PART OF JEREMY
HOOPLA/HOOFER/HOFTA/WHATEVER YER REAL NAME IS'S ENTHRALLING SHORT STORY THE DIARY OF MR PITIFUL MOTOWN
PLUS A 5-MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR CONDUCTED AT VERY SHORT NOTICE BY GERRY ARSCHLICKER
GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Jeremy, welcome to the show, blog, whatever. Let's now hear the rip-roaring ending of your short story then talk afterwards.
JEREMY: Ja. And I read... "They went in car. Adam groped on the shoulder. Clara kissed on the cheek. "There terminates a straight designated course of rediscovery of your body after some time, you know?" He groped. "I leave more apple and brombeere, with Himbeeresorbet zerbroeckeln." Stan turned the key in the ignition. "Bite once, shy twice, Himmel." "Don't forget the geduenstetes chicken with Korianderroulade," she said, "you did not become." "Ooo, why you do this me?"
BORAT LOVES SEX PLUS THE BUFFALO 5-MIN... 60-SEC INTERVIEW
2006-11-13 13:38:00
PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS INTERVIEW WAS INTERRUPTED SEVERAL TIMES DUE TO GERRY ARSHCLICKER FEELING HE COULDN'T GO ON & THE AULD BUFFALO FEELING HE COULDN'T GET IT UP. ALL REFERENCES TO ARTICULATED NIPPLES & DAYLIGHT ROGERING HAVE BEEN REMOVED PENDING A LEGAL JUDGEMENT BUT HOPEFULLY WILL BE RESTORED FOR THE MIDDLE PAGE SPREAD IN THE JANUARY ISSUE OF PROFANITY FAIR BORAT LOVES SEX. WE SUPPORT BORAT!GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Welcome back, Mr. Buffalo. First question: who are you?BUFFALO: I'm the original Belgian-American Indian Shaman with a permanent woody. I'm two-thirds alligator, three-quarters bear, and one half Lion of Flanders and Mannike Piss rolled up into a party size spliff that would make Bob Marley spin in his grave. I'm the craziest, orneriest, horniest, and thirstiest sumbitch ever to come down the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and I'll kick the biscuits and sausage gravy out of any motherin' mugwump who says I ain't.GERRY ARSCHLICKER: Good grief. All right then, what do you wr
BORAT THE MOVIE - A SURVIVOR'S ACCOUNT
2006-11-14 14:12:00
PARENTAL ADVISORY: FOR GROWN-UPS ONLY. EVEN WITH THE BLEEPS, THIS PIECE IS CLASSIFIED BY THE CIA AS RIVETING/COMPULSIVE. NOT, HOWEVER, RECOMMENDED FOR THOSE SUFFERING FROM SHY BLADDER SYNDROME OR BASHFUL BOWEL SYNDROME. FOR THE FULL ACCOUNT OF WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, LOOK OUT FOR THE JANUARY ISSUE OF PROFANITY FAIR
CONTACT THE TRAUMATIZED BY THE SCENE IN BORAT WITH THE MASSIVE BUTT HELPLINE ON 000 000 000 000 001 NOW. ALL CALLS WILL BE TREATED IN STRICT CONFIDENCE BUT ALL CALLS WILL BE CHARGED.
BORAT LOVES SEX. WE SUPPORT BORAT!
BIRD: Borat the movie was hilarious. Kept going that little bit further than other films would have. Extreme, grotesque, touching, biting satire. A true work of genius. Oh hum. I especially loved the scene in which Borat BLEEP-BLEEPS his own mother in her flabby, flaccid BLEEP with a rubber BLEEP on a stick, then gives the BLEEP-covered BLEEP-stick to his retarded brother and tells him it's a chocolate-covered bunny, then rolls on the ground laughing w
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BORAT ASYLUM REQUEST GRANTED
2006-11-15 14:20:00
FEARFUL FOR BORAT SAGDIYEV'S LIFE, WE DECIDED TO RING AROUND A FEW FRIENDS AND SEE WHAT COULD BE DONE. AFTER AN AMIABLE CHAT OVER TEA & BUNS WITH AN INTERMEDIARY NAMED BUGGERAT AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT WAS ISSUED.A PUBLIC STATEMENT BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF PUBISTAN, BORIS HAZAM RIPYOREBOLLOKOV, UNABRIDGED"Comrades, engineers, scientists, workers, and serfs!Long live the glorious democratic revolution of 1905 in our fair country of Pubistan. I have interrupted detailed negotiations with the Pubitburo for the forthcoming five-year plan to make a grave and most important announcement. It has come to the attention of the commissariatat of Foreign Affairs that the mutually unfriendly republic of Kazakhstan has, in spite of numerous reassurances and the signing of internationally verifiable agreements, and also in spite of the resounding success of the greatest political agitational film ever in the turbulent history of the people's cinema
Read more: REQUEST
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