LUCINDA NEVER L0VED ME - Q HANDKERCHIEF
2007-06-06 07:58:00
BIRD: Love, love, love. I know, you're expecting another tired old blog entry about the one thing that - sometimes - separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. But habitually, I want to draw your attention to something else - the curious frequency of bad happenings with those amongst you who have come into contact with Lucinda. Blawwww, I hear you say. There's more than one Lucinda, and some Lucindas are quite nice - kinda hot too. But when I sent out a questionnaire to blokes around the whirled about the deep hurt they've encountered in their oftenwhile miserable lives, one name kept cropping up again and again - Lucinda. So... I was inverting that maybe there is one Lucinda who is to blame for the exponential increase in handkerchief sales since 1997. From 200,000 a year since 1945 to a whopping 3.67 million a year in 2006. Sure Lee, no coincidence.To put this into some dire consequence, here is just a cross section of the comments from blokes who should know better:Rod Dic
SUMMER FRIVOL0TARY - Q LIMERIX
2007-06-11 10:44:00
SUMMER IS ALMOST UPON US. WITH MUCH FRIVOLOTARY, WEEZ CHILLIN' IN DA SUN, INNIT. WIKKED. Q LIMERIX.FROM THE SHORTLY TO BE INGESTED ANTHOLOGY OF The Very Best Of Tails From The Bird & Buffalo Volume 0.5, WE BRING YOU...THE LIMERICK OF OZby The Auld BuffaloThere was a young man from AustraliaWho had elephantine genitaliaHis ancestors were felonsHis balls were like melonsAnd his dick was a map of WestphaliaIF YOU'D LIKE YOUR LIMERICK TO APPEAR HERE, OR SIMPLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE YOUR WANTON GARGOYLES WID US, SEND DA MESSAGE TO: birdandbuffalo@hotmail.com
FATE ACCOMPLI Q FANGS AT DAWN
2007-06-13 06:14:00
BUFFALO: "It is finished," he said, nailed to the cross ties, bleeding all over the carpet.BIRD: Dude, you’re back.BUFFALO: Managed to get two hours of sleep... argh. Off to the debacle, after steam cleaning der melon. I tell ya, learning new software sucks donkey balls!BIRD: Got the video horrorshow ready then?BUFFALO: Huh? Dude, the horrorshow’s been and gone.BIRD: C’est vrai?BUFFALO: Last nite.BIRD: And?BUFFALO: Dude, they fookin' loved it. They laffed, they cried, they clapped their hands and danced in the fookin' aisles. For once, showered with praise instead of being covered all in shit. It was good... no, it was better than good, it was great - no, it was better than that - it was Kean!BIRD: Wow. Hi fivers!BUFFALO: Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy?!BIRD: Any chance of a copy of the DVD?BUFFALO: Naturlich, mein Heir! Gawd, I feel so good. Must be some Finn in the air. Lemme at the next project.BIRD: But dude, you haven’t got a name for your vampire flik yet.BUFFAL
YOU'RE FIRED!
2007-06-13 06:14:00
THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY NICE WAY TO SAY IT INNIT? YOU'VE FOOKED UP, FLAMMED OUT, FUDGED OFF BIG TIME & DA BOSS HAS GOTTA KICK YER SAD DERRIERE INTO TOUCH. HERE'S HOW IT HAPPENED TO SOME FRIENDS OF OURS...BOSS #1: Ah, Damian, so glad you could make it.ROSS: Sir Pelham.BOSS #1: You're a fudgeweight. A total shambles. You're fired.ROSS: Thank you, Sir Pelham.BOSS #1: Don't worry about the blood, I'll get someone to come in later and mop it up.ROSS: Goodbye, Sir Pelham.BOSS #1: Here's looking at you, kid.*************GERALDINE: You wanted to see me, sir?BOSS #2: No, don't sit down. You're fired.GERALDINE: I see.*************BOSS #3: Rodney...RODNEY: No, please don't. I've got a mortgage, a family and kids, a dog even...BOSS #3: Get the **** out of my company and try not to pee yourself on the way out.RODNEY: Is there nothing I can say to make you change your mind? I'll give 110%. 250% if you insist.BOSS #3: (picks up phone) Security?****************CHERYL: You drag me in here o
THE DARK ONE & FYODOR, PAGE 187
2007-06-12 05:25:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Any more news on the Dark One?HOLMES: Well, my wacky quacky, it is most curious that you should mention it, because but half an hour ago I discovered a photo of her when she was in the buxom flame of her youth.WATSON: But Holmes, I thought you'd burnt all those old photos.HOLMES: This particular photograph was deputising as a bookmark in Dostoyevsky's Crime And Punishment.WATSON: But why on earth, pray, were you poking around in Fyodor's masterpiece?HOLMES: I was in philosophical mood with the coming of the equinox and I was trying to remember a certain profundity that I had encountered in that most excellent of literary works.WATSON: Good Lord! And did you find it, old man?HOLMES: Indeed I did, Botty Watty. It was bookmarked with the Dark One's photo at the very spot.WATSON: And what is this profundity that led you there, may I enquire?HOLMES: "Talk nonsense, but talk your nonsense and I shall kiss you for it. To go wrong in one's
YOUR BLOG CHANGED MY LIFE Q POSITIVE FEEDBAG
2007-06-18 09:44:00
'TIS A HARD LIFE FLOGGING AWAY AT DA BLOG. ONE DOEST ENCOUNTER A HOLE HOIST OF VARICATORY PHENOMENA & DUDES SO 'TIS WITH GREAT PER-LEISURE DAT WE SHARE SOME POSITIVE FEEDBAG WID Y'ALL. 2, 3, 4!Dear Holey Ones,Simon here. I just had to write. Your blog changed my life. I was in a dead-end job, in a dead-end life with no one to love when suddenly I found you.I thought I would die laughing. Each entry funnier than the previous one. You guys are true whack jobs who can't resist an opportunity to play with your wangers but I love you both to bits! Now everywhere I go I have a permanent smile on my face as I think of you. Thank you so much!LoveSimonPS I am now happily married with twins on the way and a house in the country bequeathed by my long-lost Aunty Rosie, who died under mysterious circumstances but she was still able to sign the will, hahaha. PPS Bring back Dotty!**********************Dear Bird & Buff!I read your blog piece You're Fired on a recommendation and I laughed
1601: AN EXTRACT
2007-06-20 05:57:00
SIR WALTER RALEIGH: In sooth, when a shift's turned up, delay is meet for naught but dalliance. Boccaccio hath a story of a priest that did beguile a maid into his cell, then knelt him in a corner to pray for grace to be rightly thankful for this tender maidenhead ye Lord had sent him; but ye abbot, spying through ye key-hole, did see a tuft of brownish hair with fair white flesh about it, wherefore when ye priest's prayer was done, his chance was gone, forasmuch as ye little maid had but ye one pride of place, and that was already occupied to her content.
COSMIC COWINKLEDINK
2007-06-20 05:57:00
BUFFALO: I went out last nite for a walk, dude.BIRD: Oh, yeah?BUFFALO: Oh, yeah! And it got me thinking about the cosmic cowinkledink, how everything's connected, how nothing stays the same and how a name's a name but not by any other name, if you get m'drift.BIRD: Waiting patiently for the punchline here, dude.BUFFALO: There ain't no punchline, Birdy. Just neurons, millions of 'em, bouncing around inside ma' head. And to be touched, to be blessed, my son... to be truly touched by the interconstellatory highway of pure light is a joy beyond joys, a vertitable spiritual orgasm in perpetuity that nobody can take away or transublimate into another time and space and classification, Bravo 2-80.BIRD: Writing this down here, Buffters. You sure they haven't dumped sumfink toxic in yer water, like?BUFFALO: Dude, do you know wot nodding sagely means?BIRD: Nope, but you're gonna tell me, right?BUFFALO: It's an inside joke, 10-4, scramble. But you gotta be inside to geddit.BIRD: Ins
THE CHURCH OF SPIRITUS FRUMENTI Q VIRGINIS DELECTITATUS
2007-06-19 06:05:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Have you heard of The Beer Church what what what?HOLMES: Have you been at the smelling salts again, old chum?WATSON: You may scoff, old boy, but it’s legitimatis totalatus. Which package would you like? The Parish Priest, Arch Bishop, or The Pope? The Pope one comes with a rather fetching T-shirt, you know.HOLMES: I do believe those screws that connect your frontal lobe to your perpendicular have finally worked themselves loose.WATSON: But Holmes, we could ordain people, never pay tax again, sell tea sets and crumpets, and souvenir tea towels.HOLMES: Absolutely barking you are today, my friend. Why, you might as well call it The Church of Spiritus Frumenti.WATSON: What a top-ho idea, Holmes. Splendid! Mind you, it does mean that you’ll have to give sermons of a Sunday.HOLMES: My dear Watty, I shall do no such thing.WATSON: And officiate over the occasional alcoholic wedding.HOLMES: What on earth has got into you today? Doesn
ONTOLOGICAL DISS PAIR
2007-06-25 06:08:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Did you see that rat just toddle across the shagpile to the fireplace?HOLMES: Nonsense, my dear quack. There are no rats in this house.WATSON: But Holmes, I saw it.HOLMES: It was not a rat, old chap, it was a mouse.WATSON: Oh.HOLMES: By the name of Ivor. Purchased but two days ago for a most interesting experiment.WATSON: Really? Then why is he running free? Has he escaped what what what?HOLMES: Ivor is merely searching.WATSON: What for? The source of the Nile?HOLMES: Very good, Watson. For you. No, he is searching for the optimum place of well-being within this room.WATSON: But Holmes, why on earth would you want to know that?HOLMES: Because, old bean, great thoughts are only thought when one is at the height of one's well-being.WATSON: Another crackpot theory that will find its way into the bin, if you don't mind me saying.HOLMES: Oh, really? Then consider this, Watty Botty. Your mood swings of late have been severe to man
ODIOUS CHORES ABOUND
2007-06-28 06:31:00
BIRD: It was when I was working in the morgue, like.BUFFALO: Dude, do you mind? I'm just having mah break da fast innit.BIRD: Sorry, dude. Just thought you'd like to hear it.BUFFALO: Now why would I wanna hear anyfink to do with da Grim Reaper, lad?BIRD: Well, you know, when you said things couldn't get any worse...BUFFALO: Dude, will I have to change mah shorts after this here tail?BIRD: I thought you were made of tougher stuff, dude.BUFFALO: OK, let me have it. I'll cross me legs and clench me butts.BIRD: Well, I used to have to sweep up and clean and stuff.BUFFALO: And whilst you woz sweepin' and cleanin' something moved, right?BIRD: How did you know?BUFFALO: Shaggy stories an' all. Long as it ain't real, I can cope.BIRD: Oh, this was real OK, Buffters. So anyway, I was sweeping round this slab and...BUFFALO: The dead guy sat up and scared the living detritus outta ya!BIRD: Not quite, dude. The sheet came up, the guy who was supposed to be dead sat up and asked me if I knew
A HUFFING & A PUFFING
2007-06-27 05:22:00
BIRD: Nothing yet, dude.BUFFALO: Did ya tell him you miss him?BIRD: Natch.BUFFALO: Did ya tell him you love him?BIRD: Of course.BUFFALO: Did ya tell him he means more to you than anybody else in the whole wide whirled?BIRD: Dude, you know I couldn't say that. You know how I feel about you.BUFFALO: Chokin' up here, dude.BIRD: Me too.BUFFALO: Restrain, retrain, move it along.BIRD: You bet.BUFFALO: Anyhoo, I was gonna ask you about the Potty Dotty project.BIRD: You want her back.BUFFALO: Since we're talking about missing people, uh, yeah.BIRD: But you called her some pretty gross things, dude.BUFFALO: And I was sober, K?BIRD: Nawty. BUFFALO: And I apologised. Even sent her a signed copy of my autotryography.BIRD: Wot the hanging Freddy of Helikarnassarse is an autotryography?BUFFALO: It's an attempt at a life. Rimshot!BIRD: Da da da da da.... da da! And for my next trick.BUFFALO: It was mostly illustrations, like. And captions. A compulsive read by any undermined standards.BIR
SNORTING IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
2007-06-26 05:42:00
BIRD: I've been thinking, dude.BUFFALO: Steady, lad. We've already had one hurricane over ear, like.BIRD: Just for one second, dude, can you try, I mean REALLY try to listen?BUFFALO: I hear ya, dude. Adjusting da volume as I peak. But I was wondering, about the title, like. Snorting an' all. Gimme an udder line, man, hey ho!BIRD: Not that kind of snorting, dude. I mean a rough, noisy sound made by breathing forcefully through the nostrils, as a horse or pig does. The sound we make when we're displeased, disrespectful or hostile to that which is other.BUFFALO: Oh, youse talking reconciliation, innit!BIRD: Yeah. And understanding. Let it be, Macca said.BUFFALO: Wizended words from Sir Paul. But three quarters round the roundabout, what specifically are you motioning at, dude?BIRD: Miss takes, that sort of thing.BUFFALO: And wot would you like to confess to, my son?BIRD: Well, there's this mate, see, and we fell out a while back and I miss him, like. And it got me think
101 SMOOF: CAMPAIGN FOR MORE SMOOF IN PUBLIC PLACES
2007-07-02 08:05:00
BIRD: OK, dude, take it away.BUFFALO: Britney & Lindsay - smoof!BIRD: Marks & Spencer - smoof!BUFFALO: Beautiful gals with almond green eyes - smoof!BIRD: In da summer sun wid da see-alls - smoof!BUFFALO: Route 66 - smoof!BIRD: M25 - smoof!BUFFALO: Lake Michigan - smoof!BIRD: Loch Ness - smoof!BUFFALO: The larch - smoof!BIRD: The acorn - smoof!BUFFALO: Wait, wait, wait. Hold it.BIRD: Wassup?BUFFALO: We ain't gonna make da 101, dude.BIRD: Yakety yak, don't hold smoof!BUFFALO: Smoof wid da groove.BIRD: Smoof 4 peace, pliz, Lucy.BUFFALO: Smoof 4 da globular misunderstanding.BIRD: Smoof is da word.BUFFALO: Smoof is da way dat we're relieving.BIRD: Come on and jump to da smoof.BUFFALO: Somewhere over da smoof.BIRD: Come on and smoof wid me.BUFFALO: Smoof up hi.BIRD: Coz I...BUFFALO: Will all ways...BOTH: Luv smoo-oo-oooooof.BIRD: Luv...BOTH: Smoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof.AND THERE WE MUST LEAVE THE BIRD & BUFFALO AS THEY DESCEND INTO UTTER SMOOF. AND WITH ANY HOPE, TH
FROM PLUMBER'S TWICE WEEKLY Q LIMERICK MASTERCLASS
2007-07-03 03:19:00
There once was a plumber from Lea,Who was plumbing his girl, by the sea.Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, I hear someone coming!"Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."THE PLUMBER IN QUESTION IS A MR ROD BULGING, FROM IOWA. AFTER FITTING THREE KITCHENS & A BOUDOIR, ROD DEIGNED TO BE INTERVIEWED. THIS IS AN ABBREVIATED VERSION OF THAT INTERVIEW.B&B: So Rod, how's it hanging?ROD: It's good. Straight and true.B&B: I'd like to ask you, if I may, about your Limerick.ROD: Hell, is that what it is. OK.B&B: The aspects of setting, of topic, of voice seem to dominate, to direct the reading. Would that be a fair observation?ROD: Uh, actually, the dominant theme is, IMHO, what the plumber's up to with, uh, the client, ya get me?B&B: Loud and clear, Rod. Loud and clear. Now, in reading the Limerick one is struck by the fact that it gets to a dark place very quickly. There's no suspense here, is there?ROD: Well, Jeez, I gotta tell ya, this was a brief encounter. There wasn't t
THE SPATULA OF MISSED CONTENTION
2007-07-12 06:02:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: It's time for your six-monthly exploratory.HOLMES: Are you absolutely certain this is necessary? You know what happened last time.WATSON: Oh, come on, old boy. Don't be such a Jessie. It'll all be over in a jiffy.HOLMES: Watson, your sado-masochistic tendencies are most unbecoming. I shall have a word with Sigmund about you.WATSON: Balderdash and kerpiffle, Holmes! I am a commensurate professional who executes his duties in strict accordance with the Hippocratic oath. I assure you I am entirely neutral on such matters what what what.HOLMES: Would that you were, old chap. But I have no wish to walk like a man on a saddle without a horse for a week again.WATSON: But Holmes, that's because you insist on moving and stirring during the investigation. You really must learn to relax and be patient until the examination has reached its conclusion.HOLMES: Whilst Professor Moriarty is at large I shall never relax. And as for conclusi
HOROSCOPES R US INC.
2007-07-10 08:00:00
BY POPULAR DEMAND, THE AULD BUFFTER GAZES INTO HIS CRYSTAL BALL, TWEAKS IT A LITTLE & REVEALS THE FORTUNES FOR DA ASSES FOR DA WEEK AHEAD. WATCH OUT FOR ADDITIONAL COLLATERAL ON YouTube.ADVANCE WARNING: IF YOU BELONG TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING STARSIGNS, IT AIN'T LOOKIN' THAT GOOD. BUT HEY, GET OVER IT.CANCERYou'll be smarting inside because your Uncle Bill has serious designs on your keister. Ignore all insults today. If you stand up for yourself you will be bitch-slapped into next Thursday. News about a publishing, educational, or travel matter will please you very much, but will turn out to be a hoax. Family connections are the key to obtaining your heart's desire. Invite all your relatives to a party, then break into their homes and rob them blind.LEOYou'll be adventurous today. Some will meet with unexpected romance, while others will feel creatively inspired. Be independent without being too touchy. The special word that will bring joys irrefutable is counteravuncular!VIRGOIn
PROPINQUITY BLOWOUT
2007-07-16 08:36:00
BIRD: Come again, Buff?BUFFALO: It's called the propinquity effect. The tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often, in their family or neighborhood, whatever.BIRD: Dude, you were in that cinema for less than an hour before you made a move on what's her name, Desiree?BUFFALO: Point of order, dude. She made a move on me. There's no way I would willingly miss James Mason in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea as part of a Disney double bill with Mary Poppins and you know that!BIRD: And then you were asked to leave.BUFFALO: We were going anyway. They make the seats so goddamn narrow and lumpy these days. Wot's an amorous bison to do?BIRD: Er, watch the film, like?BUFFALO: I was vulnerable, K? Mason plays Nemo with such feeling. Gets me in the avuncular every time. Besides, the backseat of the car's way more comfy, innit.BIRD: Thank gawd you've got tinted windows, like.BUFFALO: Worth every cent. And to think if you hadn't suggested
PRE-WOMBIC LIFE WITH UMBRELLA
2007-07-18 05:45:00
It is black, I am cold, he is silent.My spirit floats in the vastnessOf the eternal vacuum cleaner of cyberspaceI can hear, see, feel, enter nothingBut wait, I perceive something in the far distanceIt is a smoky red kite. How beautifulI am drawn to it as a moth to the racesFaster and faster, irrevocably drawn into the red glow bellowToo late I remember the warningFrom the Baada Cromosol, the Wombic Book of the DeadI have fallen into the baps once againThe light suddenly intensifies in color and brillianceAs the invaders reach fulfillmentTwo and eightOnce more I am sucked into the endless vortexOf my umbrellaAm I really feeling lucky?
THE BLADE OF GRASS TURNS & WHY NOT?
2007-07-17 06:36:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Be quick, Watson, I have an appointment with my bank manager. We may be homeless by the weekend, you know.WATSON: I sit here, observing all the anguish and suffering, and I wonder why not?HOLMES: Why not what, old quack?WATSON: People should live in peace and harmony. Why not?HOLMES: What we need is a substantial commission from somebody who has recently, unfortunately, had their loved one hacked to death in the most unseemly of circumstances.WATSON: And all the poverty in the world and the debauchery and gluttony. If we all pulled together, we could eradicate the lot. Why not?HOLMES: Naturally, there is a considerable bounty on the head of Professor Moriarty but I fear it will take many years to ensnare that fiend and we need a quick fix.WATSON: And the smog and the flooding and the infernal warring. If we all stood up and said no, we could stop it. Why not?HOLMES: I suppose if the worst comes to the worst, I could write an astrology column in the Times.
THE WOMBIC BOOK OF THE DEAD - AN X-ERT
2007-07-19 07:04:00
You are dead.Get over it.
WOMBIC INTERRUPTUS Q PAUSE 4 THOUGHT
2007-07-24 05:54:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: What's Wombic sex?HOLMES: A cunning ploy.WATSON: A punning cloy?HOLMES: No, you silly billy. A device.WATSON: What, like a BP3?HOLMES: That's MP3, old chap, and it hasn't been invented yet.WATSON: Good Lord! Now I'm more confused than ever what what what. So Wombic sex is a device. A device to do what?HOLMES: To see how many times one may use the word sex with impunity. The hit counter, which also hasn't been invented yet, will be going ballistic as soon as you press "Publish post". WATSON: "Sex with impunity"? Publish post"? Publish what post? I'm afraid you've lost me past the mortuary, old bean.HOLMES: It's all right, old chum. It's all a dream. (winks to webcam, which also hasn't been invented yet).WATSON: Well, if you say so, old man. Although there's an excerpt in this pamphlet that came through the door: "Though the single nature of Wombic mind, which completely pervades both cyclic sex and near copulation, ha
SCRATCH MODEL VIDEO Q SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION
2007-07-27 06:59:00
http://scratchmodelvideo.com/BIRD: What's all the commotion, Buff? Sounds like a fookin' Saturn rocket taking off outside me window.BUFFALO: Precisely, Birdy. The Hudster and yours truly are launching our new website.BIRD: Lord Helpus, not another Toe Jam product, or the electric snake knives again?BUFFALO: No, it's legitimate this time, more or less. It's my critically-acclaimed video documentary, innit?BIRD: Politically defamed, did you say? Hang on, I'll just take this banana out of my ear.BUFFALO: Dude, I'm surreal, the trade zines praised the ever-loving bejasus out of it.BIRD: What's it on about, then? Porn from Pubistan, or Scoutmasters in rut?BUFFALO: Scale modeling, my avian chum.BIRD: Anorexic clothes horses getting weighed in for the runway, is it?BUFFALO: Hardly. It's about the blokes who build steam engines and such, from scratch. Engines, locomotives, boats, cars, airplanes, etc.BIRD: Steam-powered airplanes? You've gone off your wicket, Buffers.BUFFALO: It's th
Read more: PROMOTION
WOT, NO BLOG Q DESIREE DISARRAY
2007-08-07 05:23:00
BIRD: Everything OK, dude? You've been a big quiet, like.BUFFALO: Dude, it's Desiree. She's driving me to retractions!BIRD: Share it, dude. Lighten the load.BUFFALO: There was a belated birthday celebration for her last nite at the old hacienda.BIRD: Nice.BUFFALO: She drove us all insane with her non-stop patter... "Do you want some ice cream with that cake? How about you, Joe? Ice cream? On your cake? You have to take some of this cake home with you. And some guacamole. How about you, Amanda? Cake? With ice cream? No? Some coffee, then? No? Some pop? No? Some milk? No? We have root beer, too, and Coke and Dr. Pepper, and Sprite, and Vernors, and..." Honest to God, I thought I was going out of me fookin' mind.BIRD: Sounds like high spirits to me, old Buffters.BUFFALO: Well, fook dat with a barge pole, dude. Everyone was catatonic from her relentless banter. I thought about drowning her in the punch bowl or sticking her head in a vat of ice cream to freeze her brain and hopefull
LUMINOSITY IN THE LIMERICK AGE
2007-08-14 11:01:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I'm thinking of entering The Times Limerick competition, the theme being Old Mother Hubbard.HOLMES: Oh, don't bother, old chap. You haven't got a ghostly.WATSON: Oh, really, old bean? And why's that then?HOLMES: Because, old man, I've already won it.WATSON: Already won it? How come?HOLMES: Because Rollicksome-Braithwaite, the editor, has seen my entry and laughed so much his haemorrhoid's fell out.WATSON: Good Lord!HOLMES: He assured me from his hospital bed that my Limerick shall not be surpassed. Indeed, he wants me to be the judge for next year's competition.WATSON: Good Lord! I didn't know you had a saucy bone in your body, Holmes.HOLMES: It's almost all sauce, old chum. With a bit of cartilage.WATSON: (sighs) Is there anything you CAN'T do?HOLMES: I can't see in the dark or get to the end of Charles Dickens' Great Expectations, irrespective of how many jelly babies I consume.WATSON: Dashed again. I can't do tho
TREASON UNDER THE PASTRY ACT - A CAUTIONARY WAIL
2007-08-22 04:04:00
BIRD: Buffers, did you fall in?BUFFALO: Very nearly, Birdy. I've been poisoned by the fookin' Chinese.BIRD: You've been eating Barbie dolls again?BUFFALO: No, not that, they poisoned my Lo Mein! I told 'em to hold the MSG, and asked for plum sauce for my egg roll, but they gave me plumbum instead!BIRD: Blimey! They injected plum sauce up your bum?!BUFFALO: No, you plank, they laced my lunch with lead!BIRD: Was that a la carte?BUFFALO: (GROANS) No, it was the white plate special. The bloody china hadn't been properly fired, and it leached lead into my Bung Cow Chicken. I'm fookin' contaminated, mate!BIRD: But, Buffers, how do you know for certain that you've been poisoned?BUFFALO: I'm having all the classic symptoms of those ancient Roman wheezers. They all went bonkers, y'know, from sipping water from lead pipes. They lapped it up cuz it tasted sweet, the stupid berks.BIRD: Ah, I see. . . so you've gone off your twig, then?BUFFALO: I'm getting there. At first I was having
WIBBLING AND DWIBBLING ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON
2007-09-01 05:29:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I'm bored.HOLMES: Where's Hudders?WATSON: Out window shopping again, what what what.HOLMES: Oh. And you've got nothing to read? No learned research papers? Or a decent comic?WATSON: I've read The Medical Impersonal from cover to cover. And The Dandy is just not up to scratch this week.HOLMES: What about a crossword? A conundrum, even.WATSON: I fear I don't have the patience. I mean, it's Saturday, Holmes. We should be outside, perusing, solving crimes, catching unsavoury villains. Instead of which, here we are, sitting in our moth-eaten armchairs, twiddling our thumbs, gazing at the ceiling, wondering when it's all going to end.HOLMES: Speak for yourself, O Hippocratic One, I am engaged in deep contemplation.WATSON: Oh, really? On what subject?HOLMES: I am contemplating my navel, old bean. Its shape, size, essence, spiritual significance and imposing presence.WATSON: (chortles) No, don't, Holmes, I'll pee myself. Contemplating
THE UNBEARABLE RIGHTNESS OF PEEING & OTHER ANIMALS
2007-08-28 05:18:00
BIRD: Cor blimey, mate, how's your father, I've gone and soiled myself, like!BUFFALO: You gormless jerk-berk! What the hell did you do that for?BIRD: An aberration, Buffers. I was glued to the keyboard, sitting on the edge of my seat, engrossed in an Internet debate about "The Unbearable Rightness of Peeing", lost track of the time, forgot to eat, my blood sugar plummeted and my legs fell asleep, so naturally I assumed I was sitting on the old porcelain having a bit of a read, innit? I had just made a particularly piquant point about the indecipherable prose of Milos Koonteriyaki, and it apparently induced a prolonged bout of peristalsis.BUFFALO: In udder words, you shat yourself.BIRD: Well, in essence, that is substantially correct.BUFFALO: Great flaming wombats, Birdy. What are you going to do now?BIRD: Dunno, Buff, I'm rather afraid to move, at the moment. Everything's gone all squishy, like. I'm reviewing my options.BUFFALO: And what might those be?BIRD: Well, hoovering, for o
LIKE A TURD FROM A TALL COW'S ASS
2007-09-20 08:34:00
BUFFALO: Back from the south of France, are we?BIRD: Alas, too true. Stuffed to the gunwales with pate de foie gras, truffles, escargot, brie, and buckets of Chateauneuf-du-Pape. So, I trust you fared well in my absence?BUFFALO: No, but I falled well. . . fell, whatever.BIRD: Cor blimey, missus! Not another accident?BUFFALO: More like a catastrophe than an accident.BIRD: Give us the feather and tails, Buff.BUFFALO: A comedy of errors, Birdy. Mistake number one, I ventured into the shadowlands of downtown Detroit, at night, in a poorly lit neighborhood affectionately known as "The Bowery" - where one is advised to go armed.BIRD: Blimey, were you trolling for muggers, like?BUFFALO: No, I was enroute to a French flic.BIRD: In a poorly lit alley?BUFFALO: Argh. No, it was off-campus student housing for Wayne State University, named for Mad Anthony Wayne, a hero of the late unpleasantness between the Yanks and the Brits. A charming three story brick edifice that should have been condemned ab
POETRY MASTERCLASS # 1 SAGGING SACS
2007-10-01 05:48:00
NOW ASK YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF WILFRED OWEN HAD TURNED TO THE DARK SIDE...SAGGING SACSMove them into the rainGently their touch awoke them onceAt home, fizzing of oats half-sownSideways it poked him, even in MadgeUntil this dawning and this snowIf anything might rouse them nowThe kind old hoe will knowThink how it wakes the seedsWoke once the hops of a cold beerAre bags, so clear defined, are bindsFully-wired - ever warm - too hard when stirred?Was it for this one night they stood tall?O what made fleshy receptacles soilTo break Clarissa's hump at all?
|
Recommend Site To A Friend
