INTRODUCING G-FORCE & THE MAGIC MARKER
2007-03-25 15:16:00
THE BIRD & BUFFALO HUMBLY APOLOGIZE FOR THEIR ABSENCE. PLIZ, NO MORE ABUSIVE EMAILS, K? WE FEEL YER FRUSTRATION BUT HEAVY CACKOW IS GOIN' DOWN & WE GOTTA DEAL WID IT, INNIT. ANYHOO... BACK IN DA LAND OF DA RELIVING...BUFFALO: Birdy, you der?BIRD: Freshly flocked and feathered, Buff.BUFFALO: Remember my asshole buddy G-Force?BIRD: The Mesomorph beefcake chap with OCD? The one who's always full mast?BUFFALO: Yeah. He’s been gainfully unemployed for a while, but still working part-time as a weekend bouncer at some trendy singles bar in the upscale burbs. They let him flex his biceps in tight black t-shirts to lure in flocks of vacuous birds who get blind pissed drunk and rogered in the back seats of Camaros in the parking lot at closing time. Anyhoo, he's finally landed another gig in his chosen career field.BIRD: Professional muff-diving?BUFFALO: No, something to do with computers. “IT” or “ID” or some damn Freudian thing. He’s tried to explain it to me but it makes my
THE GREATEST JOKE NEVER TOLD
2007-03-29 17:57:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: What now, Watson?WATSON: Says here the greatest joke never told has just been found in the vault at the Bank of England.HOLMES: Oh, really. And you're telling me this because...WATSON: Look, I'm sorry, old man, that you lost your life savings on that damnable pyramid scheme that came highly recommended by Patrick Shortfartering, who happens to be a long-running associate and croquet buddy of mine, but well, past is past. A fool and his money are easily parted what what what.HOLMES: Don't speak too soon, you abominable quack. You lost all YOUR life savings too AND Hudders' inheritance from her great-great grandmother's beauty salon.WATSON: Indeed. Which is why I think we are all in need of a jolly good belly laugh.HOLMES: Get to the point, will you, before I get to YOUR point.WATSON: Well, I was thinking why don't we all take a stroll down to the Bank and er... have a peep. I'm sure it will do us all the world of good.HOLMES: Firstly, who says
CHURLISH ARMPITS & THE FINAL CONVULSION
2007-04-02 14:12:00
BIRD: You still there?BUFFALO: Yep. Strapped up in the last wagon wheel to hell.BIRD: That good, eh? Maybe you should drop the meds.BUFFALO: The last time I did that, Clare ambushed me in my Ford Mustang. Now the steering's gone to total bollaxery. And the eyesight ain't that good neither.BIRD: Dude, it breaks my heart to see you like this. Is there nothing I can do to help?BUFFALO: Dude, you've done more than enuff. Nope, this is my starring roll. The slow fadeout, the pulling of the plug on the longest pimple on the earth's bulging groin. Ain't nuffink but slowburn from now on.BIRD: But if you hurry, maybe you can stop the article going to print.BUFFALO: Too damned honest for my own goods. And now I shall leave this world the same way I entered it - with a sore ass in an arc of P.BIRD: Dude, you can start again.BUFFALO: Without mah kith and kin, universally hated throughout the Motown state and shunned in Florida?BIRD: Screw the lot of 'em. You've still got Sparky.BU
TOE JAMMIN' WITH SPARKY & THE CELEBS
2007-04-03 12:23:00
BUFFALO: Birdy, you dare?BIRD: Roger, old Fartful Dodger. So you survived the armpit invasion?BUFFALO: Just barely. Sparky saved my bacon. He was awakened from his beauty sleep by the excruciating screams, which pissed him off no end.BIRD: Blimey, what happened?BUFFALO: He poked his head out of his bedroom door to see what all the hub-bub was about and said "What's with the decibels, man? I've got to get up in fourteen hours to go to work!"BIRD: Sounds rather aggressive for the Sparkster.BUFFALO: I'll say. You could've tickled my ass with a feather and bowled me over with a large grapefruit, not to mention that it scared the pudding out of those marauding celebs. Sparkers looks a perfect fright when he first regains consciousness - like the Crypt Keeper's doppelganger on angel dust. Causes pregnant women to spontaneously abort and grown men to faint in coils.BIRD: Sacre bleu merde! So then what happened?BUFFALO: One of the celebs had an acid flashback. Thought Sparky was the cada
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T WITH LIPTON
2007-04-05 12:03:00
BIRD: Buffmeister, are you decent?BUFFALO: More or less. I'm up, robed, oatmealed, and slurping tea.BIRD: Prince of Wales?BUFFALO: No, alas, regular old Lipton, supplied by my new neighbor, Minnie Castavet, just moved here from North or South Dakota - she was a bit vague about that - keeps saying "The Dakota".BIRD: Crikey, Buff, you don't think she's referencing John Lennon's old digs?BUFFALO: Damn, I thought that tea had a chalky under-taste. . .BIRD: Er, does she have any children?BUFFALO: Yes, a son. Right ugly little tyke. He has some sort of 'orrible skin condition, all scaly like. Also, sounds as if he's incredibly clumsy.BIRD: Oh, how so?BUFFALO: Well, Minnie's constantly complaining that he has hooves for hands.BIRD: What's the little tyke's name, then?BUFFALO: B. L. Selbubb. They call him "Bub" for short.BIRD: What's the "B. L" stand for?BUFFALO: Babylon Lucifer, I think.BIRD: Blimey. Do you ever hear chanting through the walls late at night?BUFFALO: How would I know
PAM-A-LAM, I KID THEE NOT
2007-04-04 12:14:00
BUFFALO: Guten Morgan, mein Tweeter.BIRD: Wotcha, Buff! So, how's it going today?BUFFALO: Well, I managed to get out of bed - no easy task.BIRD: Still nauseous and full of fear and loathing, are you?BUFFALO: Yeah, pretty much, compounded by a horrible fookin' dream brought on no doubt by seeing a silly ass Frog Flic last night at the Silver Cinema.BIRD: A French film? You? A Buffalo?BUFFALO: Don't know what possessed me. It was "Arthur and the Invisibles". I was the only person in the theater. A bit eerie, that. Very strange animated film. So fast paced you'd swear you were on speed. I was friggin' exhausted when they ran the credits. Dreamed I was being eaten by thousands of tiny little crabs about the size of dimes. Woke up in a cold sweat, craving seafood.BIRD: Any Freudian symbolism there, you think?BUFFALO: Could be. Osbee's a Cancer, y'know. That might explain it. Or it could be a warning to stay away from Clare, lest I contract the old crabs, like.BIRD: So, have you had
CATERING FOR THE BELOW-AVERAGE OIK
2007-04-11 11:45:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: What is it now, Watson?WATSON: Did you read that article by Rochester in the Times?HOLMES: That confounded old wind bag? What's he been saying now?WATSON: Says we can't be held responsible for gaps in other people's education what what what.HOLMES: A-ha! Some sense from the big lump of lard at last!WATSON: But he does take a pop at you, old thing.HOLMES: What's that?!WATSON: Claims you make the solving of crimes over-complicated and difficult to follow.HOLMES: (sighs) The man's riddled with contradictions. The triumph of the oiks is upon us, I can see it coming.WATSON: Quite, but he does have a point, old man. I mean, that last case, The Mysterious Mr Peg Leg & His Performing Piccolo... well, I'm blowed if I could follow the counter revolutions.HOLMES: Convolutions, Watty Botty. The fault lay not in the explanation, which was an outstanding example of lucid thinking and deductive reasoning, but in the 15-second attention span of both you and th
THAR SHE BLOWS!
2007-04-10 11:47:00
BIRD: Buffers, are you conscious?BUFFALO: Semi, Birdy. Wuzzup?BIRD: Just checking to see if you're still among the quick.BUFFALO: Aye, still hanging in here, trying to weather the latest Arctic blast. The bloody wind's like "Mariah" today.BIRD: Mariah Carey?BUFFALO: No, more like Drew Carey. . . overdone and not very funny. Also it's colder than a witch's nips out there, or so I'm told by Osbee, who just phoned to find out if I'd invalidated my life insurance policy yet.BIRD: Lordy, you're not thinking about taking Old Betsy out for a stroll in the woods again, are you?BUFFALO: Oh, hell, no, Birdy. It's too frickin' cold. I'm waiting for better weather so I can accidentally drown meself in the lake, like.BIRD: Why not drown your sorrows in a six pack of Hobgoblin Ale, instead?BUFFALO: It's a pleasant thought, but as the song goes, "I tried drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows had learned how to swim."BIRD: Blimey, that's diabolical. Speaking of which, how's Sparky's romanc
THE BEES... THE BEES... Q PODCAST!
2007-04-16 12:55:00
FIFI LAMOUR: And... action!BUFFALO: So I hear Prince William has dumped his gal, like.BIRD: Kate Middleton. Yep. Tragic. Nice gal if you can hack the plum in the mouth and the funny walk.BUFFALO: She'd have made a nice queen.BIRD: Maybe. Although Diana probably would've been better. Thing is the monarchy'll be done and dusted once our Madge falls off her perch.BUFFALO: "Our Madge"? Friend of yours is she? The QUEEN to you. And to everybody else.BIRD: It's affectionate, like. She's the people's QUEEN or some Finn like that.BUFFALO: Tut tut on you. You Brits are so cazh with yer traversions. Moving on.BIRD: Please do.BUFFALO: To bees.BIRD: Oh, I know this one. A Parent Lee, mobile phones are killing them off and we won't have any crops any more and the world will subsequently die an excrutiating death from mega starvation so that when the asteroid hits it won't make no difference what-so-ever. Right?BUFFALO: Spot on, Birdy. And Final Lee, Iraq.BIRD: Oh, lumme. Must we?BUFFALO: In
NOTES FROM HOZZIE Q THE SPASMER'S TAIL
2007-04-19 12:38:00
EXCLUSIVE: SMUGGLED OUT UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS IN A CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE BICCIE TIN, ROVING REPORTER BOB SPLASHER OF THE EAST FENWICK BELCHER BRINGS YOU THE BIRD'S THOUGHTS, DREAMS & INFLECTIONS FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED AS HE FIGHTS WITH THE DREADED SPASM IN THE LOWER PLACENTA...Dear world!Yes, it's me! I'm in the post-recoiled wing of St Just's Hospital, East Fenwick. I've just had me supper - a burnt kipper (that's a fish for all you dudes from the US of Eh?!) - and a mug of rabbit's P. Well, that's what it tastes like, anyhoo. There's been a lot of prodding going on today, and I've been twisted this way and that. And that's just by me mum! Look, I told her not to come but would she listen? Eh, A, Ay? She brought me a Mars bar and twelve packets of Marks & Spencer's sea salt and pepper crisps. But I really only wanted a Coke and the book that I was reading before this horrible thing happened to me whilst stretching meself in bed. The book, by the way, is the p
SPASM UPDATE Q BENADRYL DRIP
2007-04-18 12:12:00
A STATEMENT BY SIR JOHN FURTERSPLATTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER AT ST JUST'S HOSPITAL, EAST FENWICK (AS TRANSCRIBED FROM THE EAST FENWICK BELCHER NEWSPAPER)I regret to inform you that on the morning of the 17th of April, in the year of our Lord 2007, the universally abhorred comedian Mr Bird was admitted to St Just's Hospital East Fenwick suffering from a throbbing badger in his pantaloons. Sorry, let me regurgitate. In laymen's speak, the avian patient was suffering from a spasm of the lower placenta which meant he was unable to sit straight, talk straight or bend over without requesting assistance from a nurse with a potty handy. Or a handy potty. Same difference, rarely.The appropriate treatments were subsequently applied according to the medical code. They involved steam cleaning the rogerer, massaging the todgerer, and creaming the frotherer. Unfortunately, Mr Bird responded badly to the first treatment, slightly warmed to the second treatment, and was positively impressed and th
IN DEFENCE OF GALILEA MONTIJA
2007-05-01 12:57:00
And I quote: "The kid has a lovely wanger. Give him a chance!" - Britney.And I quote again: "Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother." - George Orwell.
LOVE SUCKS
2007-05-04 14:05:00
BIRD: It’s like a fookin’ tomb in here, Buff.BUFF: Oh, that’s because I’ve been up to my ass in vampires lately, dude.BIRD: Vampires? What are you doing mucking about with the Undead, like?BUFF: Gotta come up with a new title for “Bloodsuit”. Hud says those wonkers in Hollywood all think it’s a horror film and they won’t read the fookin’ script. Hud thinks the title should be more romantic like, and also make it clear that it’s about Dracula, who’s become an attorney and is shagging his old lover Lucrezia Borgia, who’s also an attorney, and also make it clear that they’re duking it out in court over a billion dollar lawsuit.BIRD: Blimey, that’s a tall order. I always liked “Bloodsuit” myself.BUFF: I know, but Hud’s in Hawaii watching his wing-ding float in a lagoon, slurping Poi, surrounded by Hula girls in grass skirts with Hibiscus flower pasties on their great articulated nips. I fear he's gone native.BIRD: The darty old Hudster. How about “Blood
JOOST IS THE WORD
2007-05-03 13:14:00
Well, actually, it's not. But to be incontrovertible, what is Joost? What does it taste like? What does it smell like? What does it look like? Where does it live? What lies beneath all the hype and the slime? Should MySpace and YouTube and Britney feel threatened? Is Second Life out of breath? Is Google about to be God no? Is Adsense ass sense? Is blogroll no better than bog roll? Is there beauty in the beast? Is the environment a nice place to live? Is silverlight as translucent as Bakolite? Are cream crackers really so smooth? Is vitamin C the tablet of choice? Is the Year Zero a band or a brand? Is Digg not all that groovy? Are current events as sexy as Kent? Is the vacuum the cleaner or the wiser? Is open-source a scar or a spot? Can HD-DVD be better than Pal? Is Ajax a place or a powder? Is Coke still cool or all bubbled out? Are the children safe or about to grow old? Isn't it time to stop calling me baby? What is war if not the absence of peace? Is
NEW FEATURE: IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?
2007-05-02 12:21:00
TOMCHIK, A MAN OF MYSTERY, SOME SAY HALF LITERAL/HALF VERSUPIAL. AN INQUISITOR IF EVER THERE WOZ ONE. ASK HIM ANYTHING & HE'LL... THINK ABOUT IT. A GENIUS IN HIS OWN SHOPPING BASKET, A LEGEND IN HIS OWN CROTCH, LADIES & GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU...IS IT TRUE, TOMCHIK?BIRD: So anyway, I was wondering...TOMCHIK: Yes?BIRD: Well, maybe you could tell us about yourself, make the readers feel comfy with you.TOMCHIK: Well, it seems to me, you know, that possibly this will not happen, but I will endeavour.BIRD: That's the spirit. Now here's a little getting to know Tomchik questionnaire. First, is it true that I invented you in Thomas Mann's own image because you have your nose stuck in a book, even whilst making love?TOMCHIK: I have been known to turn a few pages during fornication, this is an accurate statement.BIRD: And you are medium height?TOMCHIK: That is so.BIRD: Medium build?TOMCHIK: It would appear to be the case.BIRD: You have receding curly black hair on an unusually large jut
One Nite In Taylor-Tucky - Wot The Freddy!
2007-05-09 07:33:00
IN A HIGHLY DISTURBING ENVELOPMENT, WE PRESENT TO YOU A NEW FEATURE WHICH IS SPREADING THE WHIRLED - WOT THE FREDDY! SOON TO BE AVAILABLE ON YouTube & JOOST & FREDDYNETBIRD: So, Buff, any more mass murders on your side of the pond lately?BUFF: No, all quiet on the Midwestern affront, Birdy. Just the odd spouse dismemberment now and then.BIRD: You’re having me on, Buff.BUFF: No, my avian chum. . . carving up one’s spouse has become the new state sport in Michigan. They have competitions now, with prizes and blue ribbons. Gives a whole new meaning to the expression “trophy wives.”BIRD: Wot the Freddy
!BUFF: The latest incident was at the Sign of the Beef Carver, one of those Midwestern culinary anachronisms – the all-you-can-eat buffet, where gluttony is still considered an heroic virtue. Apparently this fellow had been standing in line for an hour and tired of his wife chewing on his ass non-stop, so he stuck her head in the roast beef slicer.BIRD: That’s fookin’ horrib
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, One Nite
SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY JOOST RIGHT
2007-05-08 09:11:00
BIRD: Buff, you darty auld Finn sniffer, you've been sleeping with the enemy!!BUFFALO: Rubbish, lad. Rumors of my deflection have been greatly exaggerated. I'm merely taking a walk on the Wilde side, so to speak.BIRD: But you're consorting with. . . ugh. . . felons - er, felines, pussy people!BUFFALO: Takes all kinds to make a whirled, Birdy. I mean, look at the two of us - we're fookin' certifiable, mate, and yet Fifi still talks to us.BIRD: Ah, Fifi Lamour... now there's a woman for ya.BUFFALO: If you want to chastise someone, get on her case for sleeping with the VC.BIRD: The Victoria Cross?BUFFALO: The Charlie. Geddit?BIRD: Tendriolic obscurios, Buffters. I appertain your meanness. Well, at least you have to give the lad high marks for good taste.BUFFALO: Yes, but as the cultured lady said to the Thunnus thynnus, or blue fin tuna to you, Birdy...BIRD: Izzat right? Well, bollax to you, too, Buffo!BUFFALO: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. As Pearl, the cultured lady, said t
MUCUS EXTRACTION BANNED IN PUBISTAN
2007-05-14 15:27:00
Yes, it's true, my freedom loving, tub thumping, freestyle humping chums! The People's Democratic Republic of Pubistan has just passed a law to ban making the picking of one's nose in public places an offence as of June 1st 2007. This inhuman, highly provocative and ultimately self-implosive act will prevent anyone over the age of two years of age with or without a runny nose from dealing appropriately with the offending snotpiece. It will also mean, since all vehicles and barns, sheds, garages, greenhouses and outside toilets have been designated as public areas, that any citizen caught in the aforementioned structures partaking of a bit of picky wicky of the honourable bogey will be liable to the maximum punishments under the law, which are as follows:For the first offence: the nose shall be knitted together by needle and thread for a period of no more than ten years, and no less than nine years, eleven months and 30 days.For the second offence: one or both nostrils shall be re
YUMMY FRIDAY, APPRAISAL BLUEYS, MORE YouTube
2007-05-18 11:17:00
BIRD WRITES IN INGRATIATED EMAIL:Woke up this morning, rolled out of bed. Jumped in me motor and whizzed off to the Bore Fest. The only thing that kept me going was YUMMY FRIDAY. A breakfast down da White City to kill, or be killed, for. Oh yum yum yum yum - gooey egg dripping all over the fork and then straight in me gob, followed by scrummy bacon, meticulously stripped of all fat and grist, and then munchy mushrooms dispatched down the hatch followed by spicy sausage and baked beans, all washed down with much slurping and contented gargling by an organic coffee and a pan chocolat. YUMMY!BUFFALO WRITES IN HASTILY COMPOSED EMAIL:No fry-up for me, you wonker! Banned from fry-ups for past misdemoaners. Munching me oats here, dude, and scrunching me nuts. btw that vid you made for YouTube
. Old Sparkers watched it on his Real Player. It scared him so bad he decaffeinated in his Lederhosen! Decorating yer Freddy is all very well, but that roving eyeball puts spivers up the pine.BIRD WRITES
IF... CAMPAIGN FOR POETRY ON YouTube
2007-05-17 14:44:00
If I should die, think only this of me:That there's some corner of a cyber interactive rabbit-poo festooned fieldThat is forever PubistanJeremiah JugheadSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube
NOW! DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES
THE RIGHT GUFF ON YouTube
2007-05-16 12:51:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: I've just been offered half a million big ones to dish the dirt on you, old chap, what what what.HOLMES: Watson, old man, what dirt could you possibly be referring to?WATSON: Oh, you know, old beanster, those terribly naughty pastimes you pursued as a lad.HOLMES: My dear Watty, I hardly think they would be of any interest even to my official biographer Jeremiah Jughead.WATSON: Oh, come now, Holmes, you know that were the public to become acquainted with some of your youthful wayward practices, there would be demands for your head.HOLMES: Now listen to me, my good man, anything I told you about guffing at school and kissing girls on their belly buttons in the tool shed by the light of a glow worm must never be committed to paper.WATSON: Oh, really? So you ARE ashamed of your past?HOLMES: Not in the slightest, dear boy. But these juvenile experiences do not maketh the man or shed any light on the genius that was to follow.WATSON: Wel
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YouTube CUMZ GUD
2007-05-19 21:38:00
Omigod! After much wrangling and incentivisational inducements, YouTube
have giving the red, blue, amber, indigo light to I...Is this the beginningOr merely end to end?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhRNlCTTr4wSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube NOW! DOWNLOAD YOUR POEM ON YouTube & EDUCATE & ALLEVIATE THE ASSES!
GIMME DA JOB, DUDE!
2007-05-21 06:47:00
IN DESPERATION & IN VIEW OF AN IMPENDING COURT CASE, THE AULD BUFFALO HAS FINALLY BITTEN THE SAUERKRAUT & APPLIED FOR A JOB AT McDonald's. IN A MATTER OF HOURS, HE WILL DISPATCH THE FOLLOWING JOB APPLICATION, WHICH IS SHORTLY TO APPEAR ON YouTube. NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK, YOU KNOW WOT I MEEN. ANY INSENSIBLE SUGGESTIONS GREAT FULLY RECEIVED. BTW UNTIL THE MULTIMILLION DOLLAR OPTION FOR HIS SCREENPLAY ABOUT THE GREAT ALLEVIATOR & SOCIALLY BACKWARD IMMOBILIZER JEREMIAH JUGHEAD ENTITLED JUGS ARE MY LIFE COMES THRU, THIS IS HIS ONLY HOPE! PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.NAME: Splendor G. Mainwaring.SEX: Now and then.DESIRED POSITION: On top.EDUCATION: I am in favor of it.LAST POSITION HELD: Venison counter.SALARY: Forty bucks an hour.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Teri Winderski.REASON FOR LEAVING: She was preggers.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anything except Happy Hour.PREFERRED HOURS: Noon to 1PM, Sundays.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? I am adept at finding the Mons Venus within 2.5 seconds.MAY
HONEY LOVE - IS IT TRUE TOMCHIK?
2007-05-30 05:52:00
IN A CHANCE ENCOUNTER DOWN AT STUCKEY'S, THE AULD BUFF WAS RUDELY INTERRUPTED BY HIS PAST. AND NOW HE'S GOT SOME SONOROUS QUESTIONS FOR DA TOMCHIK INNITBUFFALO: Dude?TOMCHIK: Oh, yes, I see, you're talking to me.BUFFALO: Well, I don't see nobody else here.TOMCHIK: You want to ask me about something?BUFFALO: It's like this, Tomchik. I was hitting on the pecan logs down at Stuckey's when this drop-dead gorgeous blonde came my way. She ditsied over and kissed me full on the lips and said she never expected to find me here. Well, I knew that kiss, those cheeks, those eyes, that smell... It was Trudi, with an I, ya get me? And ker-bam sha-lam wooo-hooo! I was in love all over again. You still with me?TOMCHIK: Er, yes, I think I can follow your meandering train of thought.BUFFALO: Well, the thing is, see, Trudi and me were an item way back in the days when I wore shorts and she wore white ankle socks va va vooom!TOMCHIK: You were, how do you say, childhood sweethearts, yes?BUFF
SUPER POOCH TO THE RESCUE
2007-05-29 05:31:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes...HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: Have you heard the rumour?HOLMES: What is a rumour if not a disintegration of integrity?WATSON: Well, yes, of course. But this is serious, old man. They say that Professor Moriarty is sending an assassin to rub you out, old thing.HOLMES: But Watty, old bean, that's old news. The intended assassin was found but ten minutes ago face down in a pile of dog faeces in Regent's Park.WATSON: What?! But that's impossible! That is about when you took Toby for a stroll to the park to execute his daily ablutions.HOLMES: Just so, old chap. Most fortuitous. The blighter was about to load up a poison dart when our dear pooch here hurled himself at the stinker with aplomb, digging his perfectly formed canine pincers right into the evildoer's jugular.WATSON: Good Lord!HOLMES: Whereupon in all the excitement, Toby brought forward his ablutions then expertly jumped back as the fiendish would-be murderer fell face down in the um...WATSON: Poo.
POOR CHARLIE... CAMPAIGN FOR POETRY ON YouTube
2007-05-28 06:22:00
Poor Charlie, he always loved parpingAnd now he’s deadIt must have been too cramped for him his Percy Bysshe gave wayThey saidOh ho ho ho, it was up, down, sideways always(Still the cork popped whilst frumping)I was much too far out in virtual, dudeAnd not waving but dumpinghttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeKGZaoda1cSUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube
now!Download your poem on YouTube & Educate & Alleviate the Asses
CHEERS, ZIMMERS! ON YouTube
2007-05-31 07:45:00
THIS JUST IN FROM DA WHO:Gawd bless ya, Zimmers! I woz havin' a Ruby Murray, thinking about getting bucket and spade, when me Al Capone rang and some geezer told me the Zimmers had done us proud. Cheers! Baked potato. Keep rocking!rubber gloveRogerS'pose it's in a good cause but the guitar solo is rubbish. That chick third from the left in the back row's kind of hot, though.All the bestPetexAND THE REVIEW THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT:It meanders playfully in a daze of gargantuan contentment, effortlessly transforming erstwhile biddies to hitherto unknown levels of awareness and contextual gravitas. I defy anyone to listen to this song and not soil themselves then cry uncontrollably over past misdemeanours. A cultural hiatus at the crossroads. Unforgettable!Dave Digitalis-ProfundererRolling StonedAND DON'T TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT. DOWNLOAD IT NOW & MAKE THE CODGERS ETERNALLY PLENTIFULhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY
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INFERNAL QUESTIONS & THE EVER PIDDLING STREAM OF CONSCIENTIOUSNESS
2007-06-05 09:43:00
BUFFALO: So many questions, so little time.BIRD: What now?BUFFALO: Call me Rodney, but I've never been happy, nay, I have no concept of happiness, I don't expect to be happy, I don't even WANT to be happy and as for reassessing my life - from what to what? Today, I'm here. Yesterday, I was there. Tomorrow, I'll be somewhere else. Really, dude, it's no big deal. BIRD: Maudlin again, are we?BUFFALO: Dude, I am THIS close to pulling my Magnum out and blowing me fecking brains out.BIRD: Why don't you?BUFFALO: Coz it won't solve anything, willit? Coz the bad karma will come get me over there, on the udder side of da fence. Coz say what you like, we are all more than just carbon. Coz somewhere I can be, and not in a fizzy logical sense, if ya get m'drift. Bluddy Rud Yard and his If. Not if but somewhere. Somewhere I belong. Somewhere I shall overcome. Somewhere, as Eisenstein once said - forward! Somewhere I shall be at one with the Universal Power Grid of dreams and archet
SAVE PARIS HILTON NOW!
2007-06-04 08:23:00
WE, THE UNDECIDED, BELIEVE THAT RICH BITCH PARIS HILTON SHOULD BE SAVED NOW, BECAUSE SHE IS A HUMAN BEING AND UM, ER, WELL, SHE'S A FAKE BLONDE, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND UM, SHE HAS THE CHARM AND CHARISMA OF A FLATULENT GIANT SLUG DROWNING IN ITS OWN SLIME, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS DEVOTED THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF PRECIOUS TV AIR TIME TO HER SELF-CENTRED, DUMB JOURNEY OF INCONSEQUENTIAL SEX AND PRECIOUS LITTLE ROCK AND ROLL, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS CONSISTENTLY FAILED TO ENTERTAIN OR INSPIRE ANY OTHER LIVING BEING ON THIS PLANET WITH HER PRANCING AROUND THE WORLD WITH NO PANTIES ON AND TRYING TO SING LIKE BRITNEY, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST HER, AND BECAUSE SHE HAS SQUANDERED MILLIONS OF POUNDS ON USELESS ITEMS OF JEWELLERY AND CLOTHES AND FAILED BEAUTY TREATMENTS AND BRAINLESS ANTICS INVOLVING LOTS OF BOOZE AND IDIOTIC YOUNG MALES WHOSE WANGERS ARE MIGHTIER THAN THEIR SENSE, BUT WE WON'T HOLD THAT AGA
DYLAN SAYS: SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube
2007-06-07 09:14:00
I balanced ma' tool, brought Woody to mind,The beers to come seemed nuthin' but griefI'm blowin' in the wind, me and ma' behindIn balance with ma' mojo, but I can't get no reliefhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GImgXAg-Sh4SUPPORT MORE POETRY ON YouTube
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