ARTY ON THE RUN
2007-01-23 11:25:00
REPORTS ARE COMING IN FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS THAT ARTY, THE ARTIFICIAL ANUS SUCCESSFULLY ATTACHED TO AN OLD SOCIALIST BUNGHOLE BY THE NAME OF FIDEL CASTRO, HAS GIVEN HIS HOST THE SLIP AND IS NOW ON THE RUN.
APPARENTLY, ARTY AND FIDEL QUARRELLED LATE LAST NIGHT ABOUT THE PAMPHLET SHORTLY TO BECOME A BEST SELLER IN CUBA WITHOUT SELLING A COPY, PENNED BY THE AILING, SMELLY DICTATOR ENTITLED "THE MEANS OF DISTRIBUTION AND THE ONE PARTY STATE IN THE GLOBAL VILLAGE FACING ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER AND THE PROSPECTS OF CUBA EVER WINNING THE SOCCER WORLD CUP". INSIDE SOURCES SAY TEMPERS FRAYED WHEN FIDEL LABELLED THE ENGLAND FOOTBALL TEAM "A BUNCH OF LOSERS WITH NO CAHONES".
EXPERTS SAY ARTY CAN'T GO FAR, DUE TO THE LACK OF SIGNIFICANT SELF-PROPULSION AND NO INDEPENDENTLY FUNCTIONING ORGANS TO SPEAK OF. CASTRO, WHILST LYING IN AN EXCRUTIATINGLY UNPLEASANT POSE AND SUFFERING FROM SEVERE DRAUGHT DUE TO THE ABSENCE OF ANY ANUS TO SPEAK OF, HAS ISSUED A DEEP APOLOGY URGING ARTY TO COME BACK TO HI
ARTY ANUS IN DISTRESS & THICKENING PLOTS
2007-01-24 12:56:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes.
HOLMES: Yes, Watson?
WATSON: Says here that artificial anus chappie…
HOLMES: Arty.
WATSON: Quite. Says he's been smuggled out of Cuba in Pubistan's diplomatic pouch.
HOLMES: Curiouser ad nauseum. Why so?
WATSON: Apparently, relations between the two republics have been decidedly frosty since Pubistan's president Hazam Riyorebollokov rebuked Fidel for "ogling Miss Pubistan 2006, his daughter Fuzilla Hamzanella Riyorebollokov, in a highly suggestive and desirous manner incompatible with one's internationalist socialist duty".
HOLMES: Dash it, old boy, do you mean Fidel wanted to give her one, as they say in common parlance?
WATSON: Indeed he did. And Fidel cancelling the importation of hundreds of thousands of rabbits' scrotums didn't go down very well in Pubistan, either.
HOLMES: Has Cuba declared war on Pubistan yet?
WATSON: Methinks it can only be but a matter of time. They've dispatched their navy - a rubber dinghy with a lawn mower motor on,
PUBISTAN OR BUST!
2007-01-25 15:09:00
HOLMES: A most entertaining individual, our Mr Borat.
WATSON: What did he want?
HOLMES: To educate, to enquire, to postulate, to pontificate, to tease, to squeeze, to please, to release, to be.
WATSON: Good Lord, he sounds terribly invigorating.
HOLMES: Oh, he is. He is. Now tell me, Watson, where exactly is Pubistan situated?
WATSON: Pubistan? Er, um, well, it's er… on the border of
WHEN EVERYTHING'S GOING DIDDLY SQUIDDERS
2007-01-29 13:14:00
BUFFALO: You OK there, dude?BIRD: Yeah, fine. Excuse me while I chew my arm off.BUFFALO: Wassup?BIRD: Dunno. Just feel a bit down, dude. Just when I thought we were getting some Ware with that LA producer, it's all come to diddly squidders.BUFFALO: Guess we gotta face it that the world isn't ready for Tails From The Bird & Buffalo: The Movie.BIRD: But dude, what more can we do? We've got a cult following.BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.BIRD: Rave reviews of da blog. An honorary mention on Google.BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.BIRD: Publishers pissing over each other to get us to sign for the new Holmes' franchise.BUFFALO: Yaaah-p.BIRD: But the big one, the REALLY big one is still out of reach.BUFFALO: But but but we're massive in Motown, dude.BIRD: Yeah, and Pubistan, although nobody knows where the fook it is or if we're ever gonna see any royalties.BUFFALO: Cool it, dude. We'll make it. Did ya see that movie American Splendor about that guy who wrote comic books for 30 years? They made a film about him,
THE RETURN OF THE ERRANT MERMAID
2007-01-30 12:50:00
BUFFALO: Snap out of it, dude. We could both be dead by tomorra.
BIRD: Don't wanna play no more, Buff. Had enuff.
BUFFALO: Jeez. This ain't no carousel. You can't just get off when ya feel like it.
BIRD: Don't wanna play. Nuff.
BUFFALO: Dude, Bubbers is coming to live with us.
BIRD: Bubbers, eh? Oh.
BUFFALO: Is that all you can say?! " Oh!" Listen up, Birdman, we WILL get the recognition and glory we deserve. NO question.
BIRD: Don't wanna play no more. It's enuff.
BUFFALO: Wot the Freddy! I give up.
FIFI: Let me talk to him.
BUFFALO: Fifi! You're back!
FIFI: I never went away. I'm still here on the Cod, your errant mermaid.
BUFFALO: Gawd, am I pleased to see you. Birdy here's throwing a wobbly. Sort him out, will ya? He's drivin' me nutso.
FIFI: Birdy! Now, I'm sorry if I missed your original conception but that's no way to behave in front of a lady. I have always turned to the Blog for succor, intelligence, and laffs. Don't add another wrinkle to my brow. Now get to it.
Read more: MERMAID
DULCE ET DECORUM EST AKA GEMS IN THE NIGHT
2007-01-31 13:03:00
FIFI: Birdy?
BIRD: Morning. What brings you from your slumber so early on the Cod?
FIFI: It's now 3:24 and I got up to adjust my chignon and then I was hungry so I went to the fridge and found a jar of humming-bird tongues. So now I'm ready for my close-up.
BIRD: How the words tumble effortlessly from your mouth. What wit. What charm. What uncanny wisdom etched into each syllable.
FIFI: The little wisdom I've acquired in my turn on this earth could barely fill a teaspoon. Still, it's nice that you hold me in your heart, as I do you.
BIRD: And modest with it.
FIFI: Oh, to see a tear plop before the clouds obliterate us…
BIRD: More gems. Blink and you'll miss "em. How do you do it?
FIFI: Psst! Those gems are only paste. I keep the real stuff in my head.
BIRD: Wow! Wait, let me get a pen, I've got to write this down.
FIFI: Another time, tweetie pie. I'm shivering in my nightie, and getting tireder and tireder, too tired to go to bed. But I'm goin', else tomorrow today
URGENT E-MAIL REPLY TO SWEET MR LOMPO
2007-02-01 17:18:00
AND I MEAN URGENT!
THE BACKGROUND: WE RECEIVED THIS E-MAIL BUT YESTERDAY EVENING AND BECAUSE IT WAS MARKED URGENT WE FELT WE HAD TO RESPOND ASAP. FIFI RECKONS IT'S A SCAM BUT I DUNNO, SHE HAS A SUSPICIOUS MIND AND HE SEEMS SUCH A NICE CHAP AND HIS OFFER IS VERY HARD TO DESIST. JUDGE FOR YOURSELVES: ARE WE BEING FAIR HERE? OR TOO GENEROUS? OR JUST PLAIN STOOPID? INK-WIRING MINDS WANT 2 KNOW.
THE FOREGROUND: SOME GRASS, A FEW FIR TREES, A SHED AND 6FT HIGH FENCE.
MR LOMPO: FROM THE DESK OF MR MOUBARIK LOMPO MANAGER AUDIT AND ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT BANK INTERNATIONAL DU BURKINAFASO.( B.I.B)
BIRD: Hi, there!
MR LOMPO: I am Mr. moubarik lompo, Manager Audit Accounting Department Bank International Du Burkina B.I.B.
BIRD: That's nice. Mr Loco, you say? I like banks with abbreviations. Now how can I help?
MR LOMPO: I would like to know if this proposal will be worth while for your acceptance.
BIRD: I'm listening.
MR LOMPO: I have a Foreign Customer,Andreas Schranner from Germany who is an
A SLEUTH IN HOT PURSUIT
1970-01-01 00:59:59
MRS HUDSON: It's a letter... for you, Mr Sherlock.HOLMES: Thank you, Hudders. That will be all. Watson?WATSON: Oh, yes, quite. It's a poem, Holmes. I think.HOLMES: Well, read it, then, man.WATSON: Right you are, mon Liege.An idiot who lived in a hovelJust published a best-selling novel.Though his vomitous drivelWould make your head swivelHe fancies himself Vaclav Havel.HOLMES: Is that it?WATSON: 'Fraid so, Holmes. What do you suppose it means?HOLMES: Let me see. I fear, and I hope I'm mistaken here, Watty, old boy, but I fear that it means that Dan Brown has published a sequel to the Da Vinci Code.WATSON: Surely not, Holmes. Not after the film flopped so atrociously.HOLMES: Listen carefully, Watson, because I shall only say this the once. Those who can, can. Those who can't, write best-selling novels.WATSON: Oh, good Lord, you've got me there, old bean. My dendrites are in a veritable twist, what what what. I don't suppose you'd care to elucidate?HOLMES: Persist. Con
GROUND HOG DAY IN EXORIUM
1970-01-01 00:59:59
BIRD: You OK, dude?BUFFALO: You seen "Ground Hog Day", Birdy?BIRD: Nope.BUFFALO: Dude, get it. It's seminal.BIRD: Okey-dokes.BUFFALO: Woke up this morning with that "Ground Hog Day" feeling.BIRD: Xplain, pliz, Lucy.BUFFALO: The lesson of "Ground Hog Day" is that every day presents a unique opportunity to turn your life around and make something of yourself. . . But come to think of it, the whole idea of one "making something" of oneself is totally absurd, for we are already something, even if that something is no more clearly articulated than the incoherent ramblings of a semi-literate world leader. Ground Hog Day is an opportunity for all of us to get in touch with the Cosmos, to look inwardly and find the spark of divinity that lives within us, hiding like a. . . well, like a groundhog. . . just waiting for its cue to slither out of its hole like a disenchanted trouser snake, hell-bent on catching a glimpse of its own wee shadow. . . a shadow that indicates the presence of the Sun
AN OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE...AND SO SAY ALL OF US
1970-01-01 00:59:59
BIRD: Hello?KINNEY DALLIS: Hi there! My name Kinney Dallis!BIRD: But I don't know any Kinneys.KINNEY DALLIS: Thank you for your loan request, which we recieved yesterday, your refinance application has been accepted Good Credit or Not,BIRD: Eh?KINNEY DALLIS: We are ready to give you a $390,000 loan, after further review, our lenders have established the lowest monthly payments. Approval process will take only 1 minute.Please visit the confirmation link below and fill-out our short 30 second Secure Web-Form.http://www.iamadumbfuckwillingtoloseeverythingthendie.com/BIRD: Er, thanks, but no, thanks.KINNEY DALLIS: You're welcome.BIRD: Don't ya just love spam? Now lemme just click on this baby here... Urgh yahhhhk! More rabbit porn. I tell ya, dude. Pubistan must be stopped.BUFFALO: Yeah. It's giving good honest clean darty porn a bad name.BIRD: Exactly.BUFFALO: Wait, dude. Kinney Dallis is a goddamn rabbit?BIRD: Hey, sorry, dude. I clicked on the wrong link. I went to http://www.iamadu
OF FLOOZIES & FEMME
1970-01-01 00:59:59
WATSON: I say, Holmes.HOLMES: Yes, Watson?WATSON: It says here in the Times that that harlot Anna Nicole Smith has passed away.HOLMES: Language, old chap, please.WATSON: Sorry, Holmes. It's just it made my blood boil the way she married that silly old fogie and diddled him out of his money.HOLMES: Don't believe everything you read, old chum. I have it on good authority that he died happily and peacefully with a long, stiff protrusion to boot.WATSON: Holmes! I'm shocked.HOLMES: Oh, come now, Watty Botty, we're both men of the world here. You didn't think that your intrepid crime cracker was blissfully unaware of the mores of his underlings, did you?WATSON: No, of course, not, it's just...HOLMES: You're not used to me referring to the male member.WATSON: Quite.HOLMES: I hardly think protrusion qualifies as talking smutty, do you?WATSON: Well, no, but but but...HOLMES: Watson, old bean, I have known pleasures other than nabbing the latest murderer to cause mayhem in Berkeley Square
HUDDERS TO THE RESCUE
1970-01-01 00:59:59
MRS HUDSON: Oh, Mr Sherlock, I had no idea.HOLMES: It's all right, Hudders, you weren't to know.MRS HUDSON: And this baby of yours...HOLMES: My son.MRS HUDSON: You've really no idea where he is now?HOLMES: Unfortunately, not. The mother gave strict instructions that I was to be kept in the dark about his whereabouts.MRS HUDSON: But surely with all your powers of detection, you could find him, Mr Sherlock.HOLMES: Alas, there are some puzzles even the great Sherlock Holmes cannot solve.MRS HUDSON: But have you tried to find him?HOLMES: Oh, dear Hudders, it is not so simple. The boy, no doubt, has changed name and identity a hundred times since he was brought into this ugly world of ours.MRS HUDSON: Oh, Mr Sherlock, is that a tear I see in your eye?HOLMES: I fear it is, Hudders.MRS HUDSON: Oh, come here, you silly old fruit.(MRS HUDSON PULLS HOLMES TO HER WELCOMING BOSOM)MRS HUDSON: Is that better, Mr Sherlock?HOLMES: (sighs) Much better, sweet udders. I mean Hudders.MRS HUDSON: There,
WATSON IN LOVE
1970-01-01 00:59:59
WATSON: Dash it, Holmes. Snap out of it what what what.HOLMES: Every year, it's the same, Watson. February 14th comes and goes without so much as a flutter of the letter box.WATSON: Oh, come now, old boy, it is but a bit of harmless piffle. You and I know it doesn't mean a thing.HOLMES: That's easy for you to say. You got a card.WATSON: Yes. So I did.HOLMES: You'd better read it out. Maybe it will alleviate my descending gloom.WATSON: Oh, righty-ho. Let me see. "Dear Hotty Watty! I have been besotted by you for decades now. Will this be the year you and I finally form an honest union before the Good Lord? Just thinking about your stethoscope on my soft, yielding flesh gives me goose bumps all over. My bosom yearns for your full examination. I would dearly love to have your babies. So whaddya say?"HOLMES: (chuckles) Oh, dear, Watson. Perhaps it is better not to receive these abominable things after all.WATSON: But what can it mean, Holmes? And who could possibly have
CRASH & BURN AT DOMINOES
1970-01-01 00:59:59
WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Watson?WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Watson?(TOBY WOOFS AS HE TRIES TO PRISE OPEN BICCIE TIN)It is the 20th of February. Holmes is in a sulk because I beat him, nay thrashed him at dominoes. And he is envious, methinks, of my brand-new slippers. The slippers are blue with a dash of white down the sides. They are profoundly comfortable and warm and have aided considerably the aching corn on my big toe on my left foot. We have sat here, exchanging glances, for the best part of the morning. Confound it all, one could drown in such a silence. No doctor hath greater patience than Dr Watson. It may take an hour, a day, a week even, but Holmes WILL apologise for his unbecoming behaviour and WILL forgive me and Mrs Hudson for smashing his beloved Ming vase whilst we enjoyed some hot crumpet by the fire late last night. He needs to get out more. Everybody says so. Holmes, you infuriatingly superannuated anorak, GET A LIFE!
Read more: DOMINOES
BRITNEY & BUFFTERS UNITED AT LAST
1970-01-01 00:59:59
BIRD: Wot the Freddy, dude? Wot ya done?!BUFFALO: Nuffink much. Just shaved me gulliver, like.BIRD: Yeah, but why?BUFFALO: Solidarity with Britney, like.BIRD: Eh?BUFFALO: She's going through a tough time. She needs to know that I'm there for her. BIRD: Dude, you look like a victim of a failed lobotomy.BUFFALO: Dude, it's not how I feel, it's how Britney feels, and I know that my action has made her feel oh SO much better.BIRD: And if she shaved her nipples off?BUFFALO: Well, then I'd...BIRD: And her Shepherd's Bush?BUFFALO: Well, I'd... I'll do whatever it takes to heal that sweet misunderstood angel. The world's a wikkid place, dude. Britney's a little ray of sunshine glimmering in the fires of Hades.BIRD: She's a big slapper with the intellectual capacity and sensibilities of a frozen pea.BUFFALO: If this is a Britney versus Paris thang, don't go there, dude. The wound's still a-hurtin', if ya get m'drift.BIRD: Dude, I thought you had the hots for Helen Mirren! Not so
IN ONE EAR, OUT DA UDDER
1970-01-01 00:59:59
BIRD: Guess if you can't beat 'em...BUFFALO: Dude, now you're just being silly. You've lost yer color.BIRD: Desperate measures. Like you said.BUFFALO: But but but but but...BIRD: I've even shaved off me pubes, like.BUFFALO: No!BIRD: In solidarity. Saw Britney last nite on Fookwits Global TV. Felt VERY sorry for her.BUFFALO: Yer all heart, dude. And just as I woz beginning to feel like a tit for doing something VERY dumb.BIRD: Some geezer at Fox wanted to interview me. About the pubes, like.BUFFALO: And yer Freddy?BIRD: Still in full working order as far as I can tell.BUFFALO: No complaints from da missus then?BIRD: Nope. She likes it smooth.BUFFALO: Maybe I should...BIRD: Maybe you should.BUFFALO: But if I did, I'd feel TOTALLY nekkid.BIRD: Wear it loud and proud, Buffo.BUFFALO: OK, I will. Just one thing.BIRD: Wassat?BUFFALO: Gotta fess up. It's so fookin' cold without da kopf that I've got to wear a woolly hat, like.BIRD: Wot? You in a woolly hat? Gotta be seen to be reliev
THE BRITNEY HAT ACCORDING TO JOYCE & EINSTEIN
1970-01-01 00:59:59
BIRD: Dude, Frank Lee, you look like a total fookwit with a tea cosy on. BUFFALO: Dude, it's warm, OK. I call it the Britney Hat. BIRD: Dude, if Britney sees you like this... BUFFALO: Britney, Paris, Helen, Jenny, Betty, Daisy, Carmen fecking Miranda. It don't make no difference. As Joyce once said, "His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead." BIRD: Wot the fook's THAT supposed to mean? BUFFALO: The drugs don't work. BIRD: Eh? BUFFALO: I used to imagine that I would be more happy at this stage of my life, living in the bosom of my family and all, growing old gracefully with a woman who loved and understood me... BIRD: And? BUFFALO: That I'd be more relaxed and mellow, and a bit wiser and more philosophical about life and so on. BIRD: What's brought all this on? BUFFALO: The hat. The "I Am A Fookwit Ha Ha Ha I Shall Now Go And Blow My Brains Out
FUBAR THE ROBOT
1970-01-01 00:59:59
HOLMES: America? Surely you jest, Watters.WATSON: God's tooth, Holmes. I was there in the winter of "80.HOLMES: Not in "Lost Wages" I trust?WATSON: Good heavens, no, Holmes. I was summoned to the wilds of Pennsylvania. The capitol, no less. A rather prosaic burg. . . Harrisburg, to be precise. Not far from the fabled town of Hershey, where the street lamps are done up in the shape of the infamous Hershey Kisses. . . bizarre, that. They have a "theme park" dedicated to the proliferation of chocolate.HOLMES: Milk?WATSON: With Earl Grey? Gads, Holmes. . . no, thank you, just a spot of lemon and sugar, there's a good fellow.HOLMES: Harrisburg.WATSON: Yes, indeed. . . it seems that a gaggle of writers were in need of a travelling physician.HOLMES: Whatever for?WATSON: Have you ever known any writers, Holmes?HOLMES: Only Sir Arthur. . . and that eccentric chap, Wilde.WATSON: Right. So you know of the proclivity of writers for the grape, shall we say?HOLMES: Ah, I appertain your
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
1970-01-01 00:59:59
BIRD: Britney Sp... HELEN MIRREN! Yay!BUFFALO: Woo!BIRD: Yippee!BUFFALO: Foo-dook-a-rooooo!BIRD: Ger-fum-a-ummm!BUFFALO: Per-too-a-shooooo!BIRD: (sighs deeply)BUFFALO: (sighs deeply)BIRD: Our Hels!BUFFALO: Your Hels!BIRD: The Long Good Friday, Piscali's Island...BUFFALO: The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover, The Madness Of King George...BIRD: Last Orders, Gosford Park...BUFFALO: Calendar Girls...BIRD: And The Queen! BUFFALO: Mah-vellous!BIRD: Spiffing! Birth name Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov.BUFFALO: 5ft 4 inches tall. Nickname Popper.BIRD: Made a dame in 2003.BUFFALO: 36-25-36...BIRD: (sighs deeply)BUFFALO: (sighs deeply)BIRD: Sayonara, Britney?BUFFALO: Do one, Spears!BIRD: Helen at eleven!BUFFALO: Ahhhhhf, ahhhhhf!
ALL OUR SOMETHINGS
1970-01-01 00:59:59
BIRD: Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. But somewhere...FIFI: ...all the somethings you ever dreamed about are waiting--to get you!!!BIRD: Yikes!
ANTONELLA BARBA DOWN DEEP & DARTY ON DA YOUTUBE
1970-01-01 00:59:59
BUFFALO: Antonella who? Did wot?BIRD: Antonella Barba. American Idol, dude. She's gonna win it, Apparent Lee, by a head. Her vid is doin' a gagging trade on da YouTube, like.BUFFALO: Wot vid? Xplain, pliz, Lucy.BIRD: It's incredible. Pushing the boundaries. Breaking new ground.BUFFALO: Holy salivations! Wot in Theodore Digitalis's name is she doin' innit?BIRD: Gardening, dude. Getting down deep and darty.BUFFALO: Wot, with a trowel and shrubs 'n' stuff?BIRD: Yahhh-p. The way she strokes that hoe - it's electrifying!BUFFALO: Omigod! I'm gettin' that Olivia Newton-John Grease moment all over again. Just wot exactly is she doin' wid dat hoe, dude?BIRD: Cutting the border on the lawn.BUFFALO: No! Ohhh...BIRD: Yes. And you know wot she does next?BUFFALO: Don't tell me, lemme guess. Cuts the lawn?BIRD: Yahhp! Slowly, methodically, like a real pro. Wiping her hot, sweaty face and brow as she goes.BUFFALO: Oh Merciful Marigolds! Is she wearin' a hat?BIRD: Yahhp.BUFFALO: A baseball
DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 2: I AM AFRAID
2007-03-02 12:45:00
BIRD: "When I was released from hospital, Mad Billy and his chums ambushed me when I went to the letter box to post a thank you letter to the doctors and nurses for being so kind. I was kicked to the ground, and then beaten unconscious with a cucumber from our garden. I am not afraid. In 27 days from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Fookin' L, dude! So you went back to hospital, like.BIRD: "I'm not sure what time it is, but it's late. I am back in hospital, under the sheets with a torch. I don't remember how I got here. The man in the next bed says they took me for a brain scan. My mother came to see me and was very pale. 'Don't leave us, Birdy!' she wailed. It was most embarrassing. Of course I'm not going anywhere. My parents feed and clothe me. I know when I'm on to a good thing. I am not afraid. In 25 days time I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Not sure I can take much more of this, Birdman.BIRD: "This morning they took away my torch, so I am writing this in the t
DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 1: I AM NOT AFRAID
2007-03-01 14:14:00
BIRD: "I dreamt last night of a bathroom. The door is creaking backwards and forwards, beckoning me inside. The bathroom is divided into three. The basin is straight ahead. To my right is Deborah in the bath, fully clothed. She's on the phone, laughing. To my left a towel is being sprayed with water to make it dry(!). There is a ball falling from a great height towards me. I am not afraid. One month from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Huh?BIRD: "Today, at school I got hit in the face by a ball. I have lost three teeth, broken my jaw and have double vision. How spooky is that! I am not afraid. In 30 days from now I shall be nine years old."BUFFALO: Dude?BIRD: "I woke up this morning to find I had lost all feeling in my left leg and my right eye was the size of a very large potato. As I was stumbling to the bathroom, I slipped and fell down the stairs. My head made heavy contact with the reinforced glass on the front door. I lost consciousness for two and a half hours. The ambu
DIPPIN' INTO DA ARCHIVE OF LIFE, PART 3: GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD
2007-03-03 14:34:00
BIRD: "I am home now. At least I think it's home. I don't recognise my room and the people claiming to be my parents haven't yet told me what they've done with my real parents. I buried Bud this morning in a simple yet deeply moving ceremony. I have just watched the video of it, so I know what I'm talking about. RIP Bud, we love you. Well, I do, anyway. I am still afraid. In 19 days time I shall be nine."BUFFALO: (sighs) I'm touched, dude. Rewinds me of when my dear old Goldfish Fred bit the bullet, like.BIRD: "I have just been told that my brother has found a new girlfriend and won't be coming home any more. As a parting present, he gave me a copy of Playboy and told me to 'toss myself silly' over it. I really have no idea what he's talking about. It isn't Pancake Day and I'm rubbish at cooking, anyway. This evening, Fatty Rupert came round and asked me for money. 'That fiver you owe me, I want it back,' he said. I told him I didn't know anything about a fiver and after
Read more: CRUEL WORLD
THE REVENGE OF THE FILTHY MUTTS
2007-03-06 11:15:00
HOLMES: Watson!WATSON: (panting) Yes, Holmes?HOLMES: I draw your attention to exhibit F by the pantry.WATSON: It's a canine deposit what what what.HOLMES: I know what it is, you quirky quack. I want to know what you're going to do about it and exhibits A-E.WATSON: It's Jemima, Holmes. She's away from home, in our safe keeping I might add, whilst her master embarks on a most important errand for Our Majesty. She's experiencing deep stress at being in strange surroundings.HOLMES: Watson, the perpetrator of exhibit F is not Jemima the Alsatian, but that filthy bloodhound Toby, who really has no excuse.WATSON: He's excited, Holmes. I think he's taken quite a shine to our Jemima.HOLMES: And he displays his amorous interest in her by fouling up the place? Pull the other one, it's got church bells on it.WATSON: It's only for a few more days, old boy. Perhaps if you were more playful with them, they'd relax more.(loud parp in distance)HOLMES: Watson, there goes another. It's
OF REAL MEN & QUICHE
2007-03-07 11:36:00
BUFFALO: Never take a 54 mg time release Ritalin capsule at 3 in the afternoon, even if you ARE falling asleep at the wheel on I-94 driving to Detroit Metro Airport. You'd be better off to take the first exit, find a Starbuck's, and drink an entire pot of coffee so heavily caffeinated that it would bring Lazarus back to life. The caffeine will wear off in four or five hours but Ritalin is for-fooking-ever, sports fans. Nine hours and 21 minutes and I'm still totally stoked, and tempted to drive north all night to the bloody bridge just to see the sun rise behind the Grand Hotel on the off chance that Britney Spears might be there in a sheer negligee listening to variations on a theme by Paganini on a goddamned music box. What the HELL was I thinking?BIRD: And you say that was the last you heard of him, Sparky?SPARKY: That was the last telephone conversation we had, man.BIRD: And that was 11 hours ago, and he never made it to the airport?SPARKY: Exactamundo, man. That is way not gr
REQUIEM FOR A SHITHOUSE RAT
2007-03-08 01:43:00
SPARKY: He's on the cellphone. He's asking for ya, man.BIRD: Thank you, God. Put him on.BUFFALO: Meet me by the grave of Percy Longwater Gooding, by the light of the silvery moon.BIRD: Dude?BUFFALO: Why Percy Longwater Gooding? Because his bones are slight and the earth is soft.BIRD: Are you OK?BUFFALO: How we let the silence swallow us up. So little moves me any more. If only I had an extra pair of lungs.BIRD: Just how much trank have you had, dude?BUFFALO: I’ve kept this last piece specially for you. Sorry if I’m a little vague, but human contact was never my forte. Don't forget to water the balls, old chum. Cheerio, Lucy.(cellphone cuts out)BIRD: Sparky?SPARKY: Fifi?FIFI: Dotty?DOTTY: Watson?WATSON: Holmes?HOLMES: Hm. One is reminded of The Notorious Case Of The Missing Gamete Of Bayswater, alas no longer in print, but if memory serves me right a most malicious toxic mixture of horse manure, pig's trotters' glue and Toblerone was injected into a passing coal man for a bet.W
FROM A TENDER FLOWER...
2007-03-12 19:19:00
Hello, Mr Buffalo!A tender flower is crying on the cold rain and blowing wind. Itneeds protection... I feel like this now... Cover me with your warmhands and kiss me with your tender lips and I will be yours... If youare looking for something, if your heart misses something important...write to me... my heart is lonely... let them meet...http://greatmatchings.com/feelfreeWaiting for your letterTatyanaBUFFALO: Wot the...BIRD: Film at eleven.BUFFALO: Gaff, gaff!
FROM A TENDER BUFFALO...
2007-03-13 23:36:00
Hello, Ms Tatyana!A tender blutwurst is raining buckets whilst winding for a blow. It needs maximum gratification... I feel like this now, well, all the time, as matterly fact... Cover me with your warm melons and hand me with your tender lips and I will be yours in nectarol perpetuity and eternal gratitude... If you are looking for something hard and enduring, if your Lucy misses something important...write to me... my bed is lonely... let them meet...http://randyauldbuffalowidmassivewoody.com/feelfreeWaiting for your letter/email/phone call/ring on the doorbellBuffaloCarfax ArmsMotownBUFFALO: Whaddya think, dude?BIRD: Yowzer, yowzer, yowzer!BUFFALO: Arf, arf!
THE SANITY CLAUSE
2007-03-16 00:21:00
SPARKY: Birdy, are you there?BIRD: Right here, Sparkers! Got the day off for good behaviour again?SPARKY: Yeah. (sighs) I have to appear at the sanity hearing.BIRD: Crikey. For the Buff, y'mean? That was for real, like?SPARKY: All too real for my taste, man.BIRD: What taste? Buffers said you can't taste a bleedin' thing since you went off the sauce all of eight years ago.SPARKY: Eight and half, man, but who's counting?BIRD: All right then, give us the skinny, dude. Has the randy old Buff gone off his melon?SPARKY: That groovy cat's been off his melon as long as I've known him -but he's outdone himself this time, man.BIRD: Good Lord. . . let me guess. He's acted out his fantasies about his therapist, innit? The Jenny Agutter/Annette Benning hybrid? He's gone and jammed his great gnarly nappy head up between her porcelain knees and goddess-like thighs and given her both barrels, er, horns, like?SPARKY: Oh, he did that many celestials ago, man.BIRD: What? And he wasn't arrested?
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