BORAT AT ELEVEN
2006-11-16 15:05:00
BIRD: You OK there, dude?
BUFFALO: I have just recently regained consciousness, dreams of sugar plums rudely interrupted and was th… k… ng at… my… be…
BIRD: You're breaking up, Buff.
BUFFALO: Therefore I must whomp up some English Breakfast tea and artificially-flavored low sugar maple oatmeal (oh, yum), flog Igor, steam clean me gulliver, and try to kick-start me brain. Hold on, Birdman, the door.
BIRD: Dum dum de dum…
BUFFALO: That was Desmo from downstairs. It's about the door knobs.
BIRD: Eh?
BUFFALO: They've replaced the door knobs on the door downstairs but now the lock's gone.
BIRD: Oh, arse!
BUFFALO: Thus the multiple stabbing pile-up downstairs and the cops running amok. Just another typical day at the Carfax Arms.
BIRD: Burnt Scheisseschlanger on a bike! Are you OK?
BUFFALO: Dandy, me old fruit and nut. About the ode…
BIRD: To Borat?
BUFFALO: It'll have to wait. Got a hot date, ya know. Will tomorrow be OK?
BIRD: Sure.
BUFFALO: I may be having a
PUBISTAN - THE BARE FACTS
2006-11-17 12:51:00
THIS JUST IN FROM THE COMMISSARIAT OF INFORMATION OF THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF PUBISTAN
Capital: Pube CityOfficial language: PubishCurrency: the PubeGovernment: People's DemocracyPresident Boris Hazam RipyorebollokovArea: 21 234 km squaredPopulation: 605 (5.5 million prior to Glorious Revolution of 1905)(density) high (in spite of inspirational, futuristic educational reforms)GDP: 40 billion Pubes (1 pube = 5 million dollars, if lucky, on black market)Production: potatoes, rabbitsManufacture: tanks, machine-guns, fan belts for washing machinesTrade:Exports - rabbits' scrotumsImports - ballistic missiles, submarines, uranium, Earl Grey tea
History: currently being writtenGeography: hilly, infested with rabbit warrens reminiscent in appearance of good GorgonzolaDemographics: ethnic Pubes, very hairyEconomy: command economy, based on five-year plans and donations of serfs from mutually beneficial countriesCustoms: fondling and licking widespread and much appreciated
Five most famou
TODAY AND TODAY AND ALL OUR TOMORROWS
2006-11-18 14:52:00
FIFI: Did someone say rabbits' scrotums?
BIRD: Er, yeah.
FIFI: Reminds me of when I was back on the farm. Truly yummy.
BUFFALO: You used to eat them?
FIFI: Yup. With jam and bread.
BIRD: Omigod! I thought they used them in adhesives.
BUFFALO: And I thought they went straight to the Durex factory.
FIFI: They're full of vitamins and nutrients. Used for all sorts of things. It's all hush-hush now. I mean, kiddies would ditch the Corn Flakes in a flash if they knew rabbits' scrotums were in the mix, c'est vrai?
BIRD: Jeez. Never mind the kiddies. I'm abstaining from now on.
BUFFALO: Me too.
FIFI: And as for the peanut butter…
BIRD: Stop right there.
BUFFALO: Yeah. We gotta eat, ain't we? And I sure is hungry, for the old femme nectar, if you get m'drift.
BIRD: Oo er.
FIFI: A hot date in the offing, Buffo?
BUFFALO: You betcha. Got the champers and whirring toys loaded. Liftoff at eleven.
BIRD: You darty dawg.
BUFFALO: Arf, arf! Laters.
FIFI: Incorrigible.
BIRD
THALLIUM & CHEESE SANDWICH
2006-11-20 14:14:00
BIRD: If you're offered one, dude, don't eat it.
BUFFALO: Huh? Information, pliz, Lucy.
BIRD: Someone's trying to destabilize the Pubes. Yesterday mawnin', the Commissar of Economic Endeavour of Pubistan on a fact-finding mission to the Royal Institute of Research into Enlarged Rabbits' Scrotums in Norfolk was offered a dodgy thallium and cheese sandwich. Luckily, Leonid Hazam Ripyorebollokov hates cheese and gave it to his assistant Dmitry Hazam Ripyorebollokov Jnr (no relation), who being of a sound scientific mind and well versed in dialectical materialism sent it to the Portland Down Atomic Research Institute for analysis.
BUFFALO: Yikes! But why would anyone want to bump off Lenny Hairy Bollocks Missing or whatever his name is?
BIRD: Speculation is rife. It could well be an attempt by the breakaway agitational grouping Bring Back King Bangatittyov XI. Apparent Lee, they've dispatched over 1,000 thallium and cheese sandwiches to Pubistan government figures and their suppo
YouTube Puff Pastry Pudding
2006-11-21 17:45:00
PARENTAL DERISORY
BUFFALO: Oh, Birdy, the puff pastry pudding that tastes of Nectar of the Goddess working its way to the peak of Mount Climax! Divine. If only I hadn't popped me cork at the most inopportune of moments.
BIRD: Happens to the best of us. Still the most popular vid on YouTube
, like.
BUFFALO: Whattttt?!
BIRD: Anyhoo, many thanks to Cheddar X for this 7 Me-Me. Ready, Buff?
BUFFALO: You sent that jpeg file to YouTube?!! Dammit, dude, that's poisonal. Between you, me and the Mons Venus!
BIRD: Later, dude. You'll thank me for it. Trust me. Now, your starter for ten: where do you see your age?
BUFFALO: Um... uh... on me nips, mostly. They're not as hard as they used to be, but hey, I ain't had no complaints so far.
BIRD: Where do you feel your age?
BUFFALO: In the bed, on the sofa, in the car, just about wherever I can lay my hands on it.
BIRD: Where do you hear your age?
BUFFALO: In the ever flowing stream at the bottom of the road. In the birdsong outside
Read more: Pastry
, Pudding
SECOND LIFE FOR CHRISTMAS
2006-11-22 14:39:00
SPARKY: Buff, I've been born again in time for Christmas!
BUFFALO: Wassat, dude?
SPARKY: Got a new bladder, man.
BUFFALO: Ya wot?
SPARKY: Least it feels like a new bladder. Only cost five dollars too.
BUFFALO: Are you yanking my chain, Sparkers, old boy?
SPARKY: Got it from a guy called Terry, down at the Zoo, man.
BUFFALO: OK, wait. Start from the top. Got wot from wot Terry?
SPARKY: A bladder enlargement kit. No more interrupted sleep and hours on the john waiting for the trickle to end.
BUFFALO: Gimme that. Dude, it's a fookin' straw with Vaseline on it!
SPARKY: Yeah, well, whatever. Point is I feel a new man, man. Been timing meself. Got it down to 30 seconds, door to door.
BUFFALO: You jerk-berk, you'll be lucky if yer Freddy doesn't fall off. Hop in the car, we're takin' you to the hospital.
SPARKY: Hey, man, stay out of it. If I want my Freddy to fall off, it's my choice. Just as long as I get to drain the reservoir at one sitting.
BUFFALO: Oh, Jeez.
THANKSGIVING & TAKING - REDUX BLUES
2006-11-24 14:15:00
POLITICAL ADVERSARIAL
EVEN MORE IMPORTANT NOTICE: NO INJUNS WOZ KILLED IN THE RECORDING OF THIS SKETCH. SOME DIED, BUT FRANK LEE, IT AIN'T OUR FAULT IF THEY CAN'T TAKE THEIR TOE JAM
BIRD: Thanksgiving? What's all that about, then? BUFFALO: It's something we do on the third Thursday of every November, a national holiday, like. We give thanks for everything that we have. BIRD: For everything? BUFFALO: Ja, Mein Hair, for all the good things that we took away from the Indians. BIRD: You're still pestering the Indians over there then? BUFFALO: Well, not me personally, dude, seeing as how I'm one sixteenth Choctaw, and right proud of it, too. BIRD: So, who's doing all the pestering, then? BUFFALO: The Pilgrims, dude. That bunch that sailed here from Plymouth, England, back in 1620 and landed on Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts. BIRD: Plymouth Rock? Good Lord, what are the chances of that? BUFFALO: Aye, the Pilgrims immediately saw the divine hand of Providence in that, you betcha
MORIBUND WITH A PADDLE
2006-11-25 15:46:00
OTTO FELLATIO: You are a friend of Birdy, yes?
POTTY DOTTY: Yes.
OTTO FELLATIO: You've been feeling moribund lately.
POTTY DOTTY: I beg your pardon?
OTTO FELLATIO: Stagnant, without force or vitality.
POTTY DOTTY: Well, yes.
OTTO FELLATIO: Awkward in the company of strangers.
POTTY DOTTY: Yes.
OTTO FELLATIO: Irritable for no reason.
POTTY DOTTY: Yes!
OTTO FELLATIO: And if I touch you…
POTTY DOTTY: Oh my… wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
OTTO FELLATIO: I thought as much.
POTTY DOTTY: Mmmmmm. Thank you.
OTTO FELLATIO: And I if blow in your ear thus…
POTTY DOTTY: Well, I… wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
OTTO FELLATIO: And you find yourself regularly erupting on public transport if a man brushes your shoulder?
POTTY DOTTY: Well, yes. By the way, thank you again. (moans gently)
OTTO FELLATIO: You're the third case this week.
POTTY DOTTY: Am I? Of what?
OTTO FELLATIO: TPES.
POTTY DOTTY: TPES?
OTTO FELLATIO: Temporary Persistent Ejaculation Syndrome. The slightest touch from a member
Read more: PADDLE
DISAMBIGUATION UNCLUTTERED
2006-11-27 17:58:00
BIRD: And Sparky's taken the antimatter into his own hands, you say?
BUFFALO: In a manner of speaking, Birdman. I blame Otto Fellatio meself. Which rewinds me… I was thinking of Sparky's salad days, when he was still turning out lithographs and etchings, before his bride decided she preferred Mexican food to Belgian, like. BIRD: You've lost me past the chemist's, Buffo. BUFFALO: She discovered that she liked tacos better than blutwurst, Birdy. BIRD: Ah, I see… well, don't we all? BUFFALO: Well, certainly those of us whose buttons are sewn on the right sides of our shirts, if you get m'drift. BIRD: Tragic, that. Enuff to drive anyone to drink, n'est pas? Pray, continue. BUFFALO: Otto reminded me of one of Sparky's more demonstrative etchings, when he was still on an extended honeymoon, before he lost interest in hot-blooded femme. BIRD: Bit risque, is it? BUFFALO: Judge for yourself. It depicts a vivacious young lady in the buffers, reclining in the front seat of an autom
QUESTIONNAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE
2006-11-28 15:47:00
THE BIRD & BUFFALO WISH TO EXTEND THEIR SINCERE THANKS TO THE MEMOIRS OF A STONER AT http://memoirsofastoner.blogspot.com/FOR PROVIDING THIS MOST ENRAPTULATING YET ULTIMATELY HUMILIATING AUTOMATED QUESTIONNAIRE.BIRD: It says here once you press the button, answer the automated questions fairly and squarely in real time. If you try to pause the recording, you will, and I quote, "be erased from the cyberspace automated database FOREVER".BUFFALO: Wow.BIRD: Y'all ready for this?BUFFALO: Yahh-p.BIRD: Remember, we gotta be quick, coz we're both answering at the same time.BUFFALO: And once we've done this, we'll get 1,000 smackeroos plus a top 100 Technorati listing and unlimited publicity for the remainder of our pitiful yet prodigious creative lives?BIRD: Indeed.BUFFALO: OK. Run Podcast!AUTOMATED QUESTIONER: Gender?BUFFALO: 100% alpha male. Honorary member of the World Permanent Woody Society. Macho. Masculine. Hairy.BIRD: Predominantly male with feminine ways.AUTOMATED QUESTION
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - SHAGATHON 4 PEACE, PLIZ
2006-11-30 17:23:00
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - SHAGATHON 4 PEACE, PLIZ
DATE: 22nd DECEMBERVENUE: WHEREVER YOU FANCY, ALTHOUGH CHECK IT OUT FIRST WITH YER LOCAL FUZZTIME: FROM MORNING TILL NIGHTAIM: AS BEST AS POSSIBLEGOAL: SCORE AS MANY AS POSSIBLEOBJECTIVE: TO BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE, PLIZTO BE ACHIEVED BY: EVERYONE FORNICATING LIKE SEA OTTERS ON THE AFOREMENTIONED DATE
GLOBALORGASM.ORG MISSION STATEMENT, EXTRACTED:
"The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.
The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world"
SIGN UP HERE: http://www.globalorgasm.org/
BIRD: So, dude, you up for it?
BUFFALO: Uh, yahh-p. Gotta practise beforehand, like. Dat Viagra's
THE MUSWELL HILL FREE THINKERS' ASSOCIATION CHRISTMAS DINNER AKA ONLINE FARCE
2006-12-05 13:49:00
EVERY YEAR IT'S THE SAME AND EVERY YEAR SOMEHOW OR OTHER A SOLUTION IS FOUND TO THE EXTREMELY COMPLICATED MATTER OF THE CHRISTMAS DINNER
WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS ARE ACTUAL EVENTS. FOR AESTHETIC REASONS, IDENTITIES HAVE BEEN ALTERED OR DISFIGURED.
THE MUSWELL HILL FREE THINKERS' ASSOCIATION MEETS EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY, OR NOT, AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION TO DISCUSS THE MORE WEIGHTY PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS OF THE DAY AND TO CONSUME VAST AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL. IF YOU STUMBLE UPON THIS GROUPING IN A PUB NEAR YOU, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE THEM IN MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION
HAPPY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!
DANTON: The season of non yo ho ho is pressing fast on us. If we can avoid the turkey fest and equivalents, can we not be convivial with some 'meat' as well as drink? That is moderately priced.
THE PROF That veggie Indian on Chapel Market, Islington - was it OK, and worth going to?
JERRY: Can I put in a competitive bid for the India Club, next to Waterloo Bridge, also reas
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - SHAGATHON 4 PEACE, PLIZ
2006-11-30 17:23:00
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - SHAGATHON 4 PEACE, PLIZ
DATE: 22nd DECEMBERVENUE: WHEREVER YOU FANCY, ALTHOUGH CHECK IT OUT FIRST WITH YER LOCAL FUZZTIME: FROM MORNING TILL NIGHTAIM: AS BEST AS POSSIBLEGOAL: SCORE AS MANY AS POSSIBLEOBJECTIVE: TO BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE, PLIZTO BE ACHIEVED BY: EVERYONE FORNICATING LIKE SEA OTTERS ON THE AFOREMENTIONED DATE
GLOBALORGASM.ORG MISSION STATEMENT, EXTRACTED:
"The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers.
The goal is to add so much concentrated and high-energy positive input into the energy field of the Earth that it will reduce the current dangerous levels of aggression and violence throughout the world"
SIGN UP HERE: http://www.globalorgasm.org/
BIRD: So, dude, you up for it?
BUFFALO: Uh, yahh-p. Gotta practise beforehand, like. Dat Viagra's
SEX, BRITNEY & DIGITAPE
2006-12-07 17:54:00
COUNTDOWN TO GLOBAL ORGASM:14 days, 20 hours, 1 minute.
BIRD: Just been to the doc's for a checkup, like.
BUFFALO: Better to be safe than sorry, dude. And?
BIRD: AOK, Buffters. Though there was a definite ping in the prostate.
BUFFALO: Tee-hee. Run Podcast.
BIRD: How's the practising for the shagathon for peace, pliz, going?
BUFFALO: Like a dream. Stronger for longer, for when more is MUCH more.
BIRD: That's my Buff! And Sparkers?
BUFFALO: Ah, well, he's having trouble breaking away from Otto Fellatio, like. And he will insist on having low blood sugar incidents.
BIRD: Xplain, pliz, Lucy.
BUFFALO: Last night, the poor diabetic idjit was flopping about in his bedroom like a salmon out of water, and was totally fookin' bananas, laffing his head off, refusing to drink orange juice, spitting it out all over himself. To persuade him to drink OJ I had to tell him that Fifi was waiting in the living room to see him, see-through negligee in tow. Pitiful. I thought about wearing a blon
THE MYSTERIOUS CASE OF THE MISSING VOICE, THE COKE & THE BRITNEY VIDEO
2006-12-10 16:21:00
BIRD: I say, Buffers, it's been awfully quiet your end. Are you still with us?
BUFFALO: More or less, Birdy. I've lost me bloody voice, like.
BIRD: Ah, that would explain your recent abstinence, then. Are you looking for it?
BUFFALO: Huh?
BIRD: Your voice.
BUFFALO: Yeah, but I've given up. Guess it'll turn up when I least expect it.
BIRD: Sounds like a case for Baker Street's very own Sherlock Holmes.
BUFFALO: Ironic that you mention Holmes, Birdman. While searching for my voice I happened upon a lost Sherlock Holmes episode, in Watson's handwriting.
BIRD: You've having me on, shortly!
BUFFALO: No, I swear it on a stack of Sparky's Toe Jam flapjacks. Wanna hear it?
BIRD: Regale us, Buff, do.
BUFFALO: Okay, here goes. By the way, I'm sipping Earl Grey tea with lemon and sugar.
BIRD: Sugar? An abomination, Buff. Wash your mouth out with a Britney.
BUFFALO: Yeah, whatever. Grab yer ankles, here it comes…
WATSON: Holmes, we must speak.
HOLMES: Not now, Watson. Good God,
Read more: MYSTERIOUS
POSTSCRIPT ERUPTUM
2006-12-11 17:26:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes...
HOLMES: Yes, Watson?
WATSON: Is your left arm hairier than your right?
HOLMES: Have you been at the baking powder again, Watty, old boy?
WATSON: You didn't slip any of that crackling Coke into my Horlicks last night perchance?
HOLMES: It's CRACK cocaine, old bean, and no, there's only enough to go round for one of us, and t'would be wasted on a mere mortal such as your good self.
WATSON: (pokes tongue out) See anything suspicious on my tongue, Holmes?
HOLMES: Not a jolt, just the leftovers from Mrs Hudson's delectable Vindaloo. Now are you going to check my prostate or not?
WATSON: Do you think it's wise? You know what happened last time.
HOLMES: Well if you will insist on tweaking the old blighter, one can only expect Freddy to pop his cork.
WATSON: And you're quite sure you don't harbour any somewhat wayward inklings towards my person, Holmes?
HOLMES: Oh, Wat poopers, you really are a peculiar man of the stethoscope. I reiterate, I gave all that up at
Read more: POSTSCRIPT
'TWAS DENIED AFORE CRISPNESS
2006-12-12 12:59:00
HOLMES: Pass me another mince pie, will you, old chap?WATSON: Holmes, you've had enough. You'll make yourself sick.HOLMES: That is precisely what I intend to do. Ah, sweet Crispness, devourer of the soul.WATSON: Have you been at the bagpipes again?HOLMES: Reminds me of an ode dear mama used to whisper to me in the cradle..."Twas denied before Crispness, when all threw the cows,Nada teacher wistering, nod Eve an' her spouse;Stockard Channing hungover by the chutney with care,Imhotep, Jack Nicklaus, three-wood, beware!The chitlins were Nestléd all smug thoroughbreds,Vile divisions of sugar Tums danced inner Keds;Aunt Jemima in her 'kerchief, an eyeball, nightcap,Add Jews, settled down furlong winner snap.Winnowed on the lawn, dare a rose, cinch a Hatter,Eye strain frump the bed deceit who's the madder;A whey to the widow I flu-like, hot flash,Drew Carey the shudders and threw up the hash.Vic Damone over Brest, on the Newfoundland snow,Gave the bluster of mid-wives to rejects
THE SAD TAIL OF HOLMES & THE MINCE PIES & THE MISSING EGO
2006-12-14 12:53:00
WATSON: I say Holmes, are you all right?
HOLMES: (groans) Not really, Watson. I rather pigged out on the mince pies and sherry, I fear.
WATSON: Pukus vulgaris in extremis?
HOLMES: It would appear thus.
WATSON: Coupled with squidgylitis acuterus?
HOLMES: Indeed, my Hippocratic old chum.
WATSON: I did try to warn you.
HOLMES: For once, Watty, I must bow to your superior knowledge. Hand me that volume of Dr. Fraud's Extraordinary Tails, will you, old bean?
WATSON: Certainly, Holmes, but I fail to see how reading that will solve your present predicament.
HOLMES: (clutches stomach) It won't, but it may just explain what happened to the Walter Egos.
WATSON: Incredible. There you are, bent double, dried Vindaloo spattered all over your chops, emissions from both orifices, yet still you possess the unquenchable thirst to solve Scotland Yard's outstanding cases and make Dear Albion a safer place for people to live in. I tell you, Holmes, I take my hat off to you.
HOLMES: Good thinking, Watso
SHERLOCK HOLMES & THE FINAL MOO
2006-12-17 14:08:00
HOLMES: Is that you, Watson?
WATSON: No, Holmes, it's an exploding cow.
HOLMES: An exploding cow? Explain yourself, my good man.
WATSON: Well, apparently, sometimes an unfortunate bovine fails to expel the wind, so to speak, and it goes the other way. The resulting pressure builds at an alarming rate and in a matter of seconds ker-bang - one more self-combusting bovine fatality.
HOLMES: Hmm, most curious. I have always felt that something should be done about the cow's inexplicable fondness for emitting methane. It is only a matter of time before the criminal element within our midst exploits this curiosity to their own ends and begins to plant extra flatulent bovines outside banks and such places in order to benefit from the resulting explosions.
WATSON: You mean, use poor old daisy as a bovine bomb, Holmes?
HOLMES: Precisely. Indeed, it is not beyond the realms of Victorian fantasy to countenance the possibility that Professor Moriarty is doing exactly that. Tell me, Watty Poos, ho
Read more: SHERLOCK
, SHERLOCK HOLMES
THE MOST PECULIAR CASE OF SHERLOCK HOLMES & THE FLAMING YARBLES
2006-12-18 16:20:00
BUFFALO: Dude?
BIRD: Yes, dude?
BUFFALO: (taps fingers) Feeling a bit surplus, like, wot with Holmes & Watson. Think it'll last much longer?
BIRD: Could run and run. They've got a heck of a number of cases to solve.
BUFFALO: But but but but nobody seems interested in us any more.
BIRD: It's just till Chrimbo, dude. Hold on to your Freddy.
BUFFALO: Well, if you say so. So what case are they on today?
BIRD: Yarbles, dude.
BUFFALO: Yikes!
BIRD: So sit back, pour yerself a drink and enjoy...
HOLMES: Watson.
WATSON: Yes, Holmes?
HOLMES: Can you smell burning?
WATSON: Indeed I can, Holmes, and I can smell my bum, too, if I'm so inclined, though I rarely am. What exactly are you driving at?
HOLMES: I can smell something burning, you silly quack.
WATSON: Oh, I see. . . ah, I think I have it. It's that damnable Balkan Sobranie shag that's smoldering in your Meerschaum, in your jacket pocket. I do believe you've set yourself on fire again, Holmes.
HOLMES: Great Caesars' ghost, you'r
Read more: PECULIAR
, SHERLOCK
, FLAMING
, SHERLOCK HOLMES
REASONS TO BE FEARFUL PART 2
2006-12-19 12:05:00
BIRD: Couldn't sleep last night. Woke up at 11am, tired, irritable, woozy. Haven't been sleeping at all well lately.
BUFFALO: A-ha.
BIRD: Diagnosis, pliz.
BUFFALO: Well, dude, it could be... holiday depression, ennui, winter, the bloody weather, terror-asses, diesel fumes, Bush, cheap Beaujolais, lackanooky, bleeding gums, Gummy Bears, Grizzly Bears, unbearable blather from the media, serial killers, killer bees, Aunt Bee, Samantha Bee, Vitamin B deficiency, deficit spending, bad endings, bad derrieres, dairy products, ducks, geese, lend lease options, estate agents ("Kill an estate agent today, and build a better tomorrow..."), secret agents, M, Moneypenny, no money, no honey, no lovin' spoonful of medicine sans sugar baby ruth, the Bible, Martin Luther, Lutherans, Jehovah's Witnesses, missionaries, Mormons, Mermen, Mermaids, Molly Maids, Minute Maid, Made in China, plate, mate, rhyming slang, sliming rangs, bangs, banks, tanks for the mammaries, things that have gone tits up, cat
NEW YEAR, NEW EXECUTIONS
2007-01-07 14:12:00
BUFFALO: So, dude, how was it for you?
BIRD: Profoundly gastric.
BUFFALO: Flatulent, like?
BIRD: Bloated like a Jersey cow. Drunk too. God bless Rioja. Et tu, Buffters?
BUFFALO: A distant memory of a floating mediocrity. And lotsa fire water.
BIRD: Been fooked off and fooked up every since.
BUFFALO: Yahhh-p. Me too. Now why is dat?
BIRD: Some Finn to do with the cosmic circles, so Potty Dotty says. Apparently, the intergalactic plates go walkies around the end of a year and the beginning of a new year. Those of us who haven't lost our hunter-gatherer sensibilities are pulled by the magnetic fields into a vortex of uncertainty.
BUFFALO: Wow. And when does it end?
BIRD: Only when we commit ourselves as individuals and human beings… and personalities to the year ahead.
BUFFALO: That figures. So like, New Year Executions an' all?
BIRD: That's about the long and tall of it. Got any?
BUFFALO: Well, there was a multiple stabbing down by the lake on the 2nd.
BIRD: Good. That oughtta do
ICEBERG HORNSWOGGLE AKA HELP! THIS SHIP IS SINKING!
2007-01-09 12:47:00
BUFFALO: I see that a 25 square mile chunk of ice fell off one of the polar ice caps yesterday.
BIRD: Aw, that's nice.
BUFFALO: Dude, there were a lot of polar bears on that ice, who are now wondering what the fook is happening. Now what if we towed that chunk of ice to the Caribbean, melted it, bottled it as Iceberg Water, millions of years old, and sold it for a cool five dollars a bottle?
BIRD: Er, dude, have you considered all those polar bears that pissed on it before they divebombed into the ocean, like?
BUFFALO: OK. Right. We'll change the labels, bung in some bubbles and call it Iceberg Lemonade!
BIRD: Bwilliant! Right, now who do we know with a boat?
BUFFALO: Well, Sparky was in the merchant navy. He could be our skipper. And we could hire a boat.
BIRD: Which would cost?
BUFFALO: A lot of dineros. Oh, fook it. Back to poverty. Oh, well, it's moot... we'll be at war with China soon, is my guess... seein' as how they're going to give billions to Iran to develop nooks, an
ABSIT OMEN - MAY THE OMEN BE WITH YOU
2007-01-08 14:13:00
BUFFALO: Dude?
BIRD: Yes, dude?
BUFFALO: What I said about Clare…
BIRD: Yeah?
BUFFALO: I'm thinking let's not be too hasty here, nectar is nectar.
BIRD: It's your call, dude. May the Omen be with you.
BUFFALO: Let's hope. How's the patio hanging?
BIRD: Slowly. Pissering with rain here. If only I could have a holiday...
BUFFALO: You mean to Amsterdam, like we discussed?
BIRD: Amsterdam would be good. The canals, the tulips, the clogs…
BUFFALO: The coffee shops and strumpets.
BIRD: Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Hieronymus Bosch…
BUFFALO: Late night guzzling and biffing on Rembrandtsplein.
BIRD: Dude, what about the male bonding?
BUFFALO: Dude, I gotta cut loose here, the head doc says I've been sublimating too much lately. I need action not reaction. And Any Hooey, time is of the Renaissance.
BIRD: True.
BUFFALO: I was down by the water late last night, taking a dump, when I saw way over yonder a woman in white, shining brightly, walking on the water. D'ya think it's a sign?
CHECKIN' DA NOGGIN
2007-01-11 13:24:00
BUFFALO: You there, dude?
BIRD: In corpus mantis.
BUFFALO: That Sink Sock's a darty dawg.
BIRD: Keep it under yer woolly but my sources tell me it's one of the many pseudo de ploms of none other than Howard A-Stern.
BUFFALO: No way!
BIRD: C'est vrai, mon Bison.
BUFFALO: Great writing. So crisp, considered, weighty. And those links are some Finn else.
BIRD: Da filthy rotter.
BUFFALO: Reckon we should ask him bout da Podcast, like?
BIRD: Cannae do nay harm, dude.
BUFFALO: Ear, wot's dis bout you checkin' out da Noggin?
BIRD: Well, the old Himmelkopf has been itching of late and me memory's shockingly deleterious.
BUFFALO: Sorry to hear that, dude. Did ya get it scanned?
BIRD: Sort of. Got it washed and blow dried - new shampoo, mind, a gift from Pubistan.
BUFFALO: Jeepers. Not the one with the…
BIRD: Rabbit scrotum. Yep.
BUFFALO: And?
BIRD: The itching's stopped but I can't remember where I left the car, and I have a humungous craving for lettuce.
BUFFALO: Not g
HOW COCKROACHES MAKE LURRRVE
2007-01-16 11:52:00
BUFFALO: You OK, dude, after the deep cleaning, like?
BIRD: Dude, I have NEVER known such pain in all mah life! Might be easier to have all me teeth taken out.
BUFFALO: Wot did ya do, piss off the hygienist or some Finn?
BIRD: In the pursuit of saving money, Mr Fookwit of East Fenwick here abstained from the dentist's chair for a number of years. Then came the abscess, then came swollen gums, the pain, the shame, followed by the handing over of serious cash. And yesterday, I got a right royal mauling for an hour as a sympathetic but determined hygienist jabbed me with needles several times and let loose a mechanical digger below the gum line.
BUFFALO: Too much detail, dude. Soiling me boxer shorts here.
BIRD: Every time it looked like I was about to swallow me tongue or chuck up, she stopped, fiddled about with the buttons on the digger, pouted oh so menacingly, then slapped the suction thingie in again and scooped down even closer to mah roots.
BUFFALO: Pure horrorshow.
BIRD: I stagg
SOME FINNS DO, SOME FINNS DON'T
2007-01-17 12:14:00
BIRD: Dude, she's gone.
BUFFALO: Come again slowly?
BIRD: Potty Dotty. Packed her things and left.
BUFFALO: Fugget it, dude. Wot can you do with a gal who hasn't had a good laff since she lost her Virginity? We did our best, but it was not meant Toby, Watson. Let it go, bro. Some Finns go right and Some Finns don't, and nevermore the Mark Twain shall meet, Horatio. Some are rich in spirit, some are Poe in spirit, and some are immersed in spirits and can't see the Black Forest Cake for the kooky trees. Some Finns blow yer skirt up and some don't. It's just the whey it is. Some hit the mark and some missmuffet. Some come running and some don't come at all, but just sit around on tuffets giving themselves candle dips and cheap trills, until along comes a spider and sits down beside her, and pulls out his old bazooker and says, "Get a hold of this, get a hold of that. When there isn't a woman about, you do feel lonesome. Absolutely on the shelf, nothing to do but do yerself, when t
LIVING FOR THE MARMOT
2007-01-18 15:18:00
BIRD: Buffers, are you decent? Or sober even?
BUFFALO: I'm dressed, dude. Best I can do at the marmot.
BIRD: The East Fenwick Lunatic Conservatory has arsed me to give you a sanity test, to see if you're depressed, like. Are you willing to put your gulliver under the knife, so to speak?
BUFFALO: Better than sticking it in the Cusinart food processor, I s'pose. Fire away, Birdman.
BIRD: Here we go. Are you often restless?
BUFFALO: Only when I haven't had enough nectar and chips.
BIRD: Are you often irritable?
BUFFALO: I refer you to my previous utterance.
BIRD: Do you experience irregular sleep patterns?
BUFFALO: Irregular movements, but that's bowel the by.
BIRD: Do you enjoy hobbies, your friends, family or leisure?
BUFFALO: Er, lemme see. No, no, no, and er, no.
BIRD: Would you mind elaborating?
BUFFALO: Not a tool. My hobbies have all been made illegal, I've pretty much outlived all my friends, except Sparky and he's still in mourning for his waxwork. My family disowned me ye
FIDEL CASTRO & THE ARTIFICIAL ANUS
2007-01-21 13:04:00
WATSON: I say, Holmes, have you seen this is the Times?
HOLMES: What's that, Watson?
WATSON: Apparently, that Cuban dictator chappie Fidel Castrato...
HOLMES: Castro, Watson.
WATSON: Quite. Apparently, he's had an artificial anus fitted.
HOLMES: An artificial what?!
WATSON: Anus. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
HOLMES: That it is the work of that dastardly fiend Professor Moriarty? Yes, Watson, I am. Although on this particularly occasion I think he's missed his mark by a long shot and has inadvertently done the civilised world a great service.
WATSON: Oh? How so, old bean?
HOLMES: We have known for quite some time that that odious man has been talking out of his - pardon my French - arse. This just confirms it.
WATSON: Oh, yes. I see. Very good, Holmes. Splendid. Well, it would seem that he does more than just talk through his ah-hem artificial thingie.
HOLMES: Meaning?
WATSON: Sources close to the ailing maniac have confirmed that he now smokes cigars through his posterial sy
Read more: FIDEL
, FIDEL CASTRO
CASTRO'S ARTIFICIAL ANUS IN HIS OWN WURST... UH WORDS
2007-01-22 11:46:00
ONCE WE HEARD THAT CASTRO'S SPANKING NEW ARTIFICIAL ANUS WAS PREPARED TO GIVE US A WORLD EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, THERE REALLY WAS ONLY ONE MAN TO CONDUCT THAT INTERVIEW - THE IRREPRESSIBLE, THE INDEFATIGABLE, THE EPIPHENOMENALOGICAL, THE BIODEGRADABLE, THE ONE, THE ONLY JERRY ARSCHLICKER. SO LET'S HEAR IT FOR JERRY & THE POOP SCOOP OF THE 21ST CENTURY!(PROLONGED APPLAUSE FOLLOWED BY SPORADIC GUNFIRE FOLLOWED BY THE OPENING BARS OF THE BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB'S "CHAN CHAN")JERRY ARSCHLICKER: Hi, there, Mr… Well, let's kick this baby off by asking you this - what's your real name? Some people call you Farterado, some Fudge Chute, some Whoopsie Boy. What do you say?EL PINDEJO: Well, the Cubans call me El Pindejo, which I'm reliably informed is an affectionate term for arsehole. It's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?JERRY ARSCHLICKER: Lovely!EL PINDEJO: But you can call me Arty.JERRY ARSCHLICKER: Oh, OK. I get it. Arty-ficial. Cool. Btw do I detect an English accent t
|
Recommend Site To A Friend
