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Process of a Miracle..an Experiment. Day Three 2007-06-28 13:08:00 Process of a Miracle…an Experiment
.
Day Three
I’ve stated that in order for me to change my life I must change everything I believe. It’s sounds pretty simply and ultimately the concept is easy, but the process is one that digs deep into many different levels.
For much of my life I was not aware of the many different components of what I am comprised of. I live in this world on the physical Read more:Process
Process of a miracle....an Experiment 2007-06-26 22:24:00 Day two.
I’ll start this as I started the others….
“Is it’ possible to transform one’s life within the course of thirty days in such a way that can only be described as a miracle
?”
I believe so and I intend to do so. But once again what is this miracle I am looking to manifest? Well here it goes. At the present moment I am unemployed in the conventional sense of being “employed”. I will be Read more:Process
, Experiment
Process of a Miracle...day one, 2007-06-25 22:19:00 The Process
of a Miracle
Day One….
I posed the question to the universe at large….
“Is it possible to transform ones life in the course of thirty days, in a way that can only be described as a miracle.”
My intention with this question is to transform my own life into the life I dream of having. The life I believe I can have if I continue to follow the inner voice within that tells me it’s
The process of a miracle..an experiment 2007-06-24 21:24:00 The Process of a Miracle…..
Is it possible to change one’s life in the course of thirty days? To have such transformations occur in which the seemingly limited capacity of comprehension can stretch past it’s own boundaries into the untapped potential of possibilities?
I intend to find out through this experiment!
A miracle
defined, is an event that is unexplained by the laws of nature………Ok, so
Day Six..Another Look 2007-07-01 21:25:00 It's strange how things can look so different from one moment to the next. Sometimes I forget to just take another look at:
People
Places.
Things.
Circumstances.
I forget that I have a choice.
I call it...
"Stuck in stupid...parked in dumb"
There are so many things from the past that still linger in the form of shame & guilt that force my head down so I don't have to look another human being
Spirtual Vitamins 2007-06-30 20:52:00 Day Five
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the clear bright blue of the sky.
The breeze from the ocean smelled clean and sweet and I knew that today was a day of healing.
It was time for me to turn over the peices of my life and start the process of healing of my inner spirit.
I let go of so much mental garbage in the past few days that I’m empty.
But I've purged myself of the Read more:Vitamins
Day Four...Spiritual Detox 2007-06-29 16:48:00 Day Four.
I couldn’t sleep last night.
My mind was a jumble of emotional tatters replaying the days events over and over in the calmness of “insomnia.”
Yesterday, I cleaned out quite a bit of the physical remnants of my past. That night as each old memory resurfaced shedding layer after layer of emotion. What was hiding beneath all this was nothing I had considered but never the less revealed Read more:Detox
, Day Four
Day Ten....Finding My Way. 2007-07-05 22:52:00 I started this journey with an idea mind and have found that it has turned into something so much more then I could have every conceived.I wanted to change my life.I wanted something more.I wanted meaning.I wanted purpose.What I've discoverd in the past ten days is all this has already happened.I just needed to stop for a moment to see this.I'm a pretty simple chic whose very complicated.I just want to be happy.I used to believe that if I could just change the world.To make others act the way I wanted them to.To rid the world of things I labeled wrong.I would be O.K.But it wasn't the world that needed to conform.I had uni-laterally made the world at large a victim of my own expectations. In the end I was miserable and the world went on exactly the way it always does.In perfect syncronicity.Gahndi said,"Be the change you wish to see in the world."I never really fully got the full meaning behind that statement..... but now I do. It's not about slinging what I believe or trying to swa
Day Nine....Putting the peices together 2007-07-05 16:26:00 It was my older sister that found me floating face down in the water.I don't remember anything except coming to.I was only four at the time.My family reminds me of how I cried when they ripped the pool down the following day.It seems that my whole life I've been trying to get back to that moment in time thinking it was something I could find in the here and now.Realizing many years later that the moment had past and with it much of my life.I feel different.Something inside has shifted and the fear that once ruled is for the moment quiet. As I continue to put one foot in foot in front of theI know in time I will look back to see the distance I've traveled.To see the healing that has occured.My sister had a masectomy 10 days ago.I look at her life and wonder what the meaning is behind it all is.When she was diagnosed in November I was consumed with guilt.I couldn't wrap my brain around it.Why wasn't it me?I had voluntarily tried to detroy myself on a moment to moment basis for over Read more:Putting
, together
, Day Nine
Day Eight...The Journey Forward 2007-07-03 21:26:00 I know where I stand upon the roadmap of my life.I could never move in any direction till this was clear.It's clear.I've been pondering of where it is I would like to live.Did I want to stay in Queens?Did I want to move back to LongIsland?I'm 33 years old, single and I have the freedom and choice to live anywhere I choose. I left Long Island two years ago because I couldn't seem to get out of the cycle of active addiction I was caught up in.I left everything here and built a new life for myself.But it's time to come home.Something is drawing me back here.The power it used to have no longer has me in it's grips anymore.I don't see the past here any more; Only the promise of what the future holds and the hope that wells within me.I met up with a few people in recovery this evening.I was welcomed with big smiles and warm hugs of love.Something is telling me to come back.I've learned that the voice within is the voice that loving guidesme in this journey of rediscovering myself.Som Read more:Eight
, Journey
, Forward
Day Seven...Awakening 2007-07-03 00:25:00 I just was outside lying on the grass looking above as the stars waltzed across the midnight sky.The more I let go of the more I am allowing myself to remember who it is I am.Because at some point in time I decided that who I was wasn't good enough.Smart Enough.Tall Enough.Pretty Enough.(Fill in the Blank) EnoughI didn't want to be me.I was scared to be me.Who planted the seed in me that I wan't good enough?And why did I allow it to grow so out of control within me?667 days ago was the last time I stuck a needle in my arm.7 days ago I gave myself permission be exactly who I wanted to be.Myself.It's late and I need to get sleep......Until Tommorow,Mighty Morgan Read more:Seven
, Day Seven
Day 12 & 13 ……..Filling the empty spaces. 2007-07-09 17:29:00 I spent Saturday evening into Sunday morning at the emergency room with my sister. She had a mastectomy two weeks ago and is still in the process of healing.Before I sat down to write my post on day twelve I checked in on her to see if she needed any more pain medication.She didn’t feel well.She had the chills mixed up with a slight fever.The tubes that were inserted to drain the wound were leaking.My mother and I decided that she needed to go to the emergency room.My sister and I never really had what you call a close relationship. We’ve tried over the years to do what we could to have more of a bond. But for some reason or another we just couldn’t see past our differences to see how similar we really were.She never understand the choices I made in life.Never understood why I couldn’t just stop doing heroin.Why I couldn’t just seem to get a grip.I never understood why she was so tough on me.Never understood the choices she made.Why she could never stop for a minute to see li Read more:spaces
Day Eleven...Getting Ahead
My whole life I strugg... 2007-07-06 23:33:00 Day Eleven
...Getting AheadMy whole life I struggled to get ahead.I tried every belief I carried in order to reap the promise of....Security.Wealth.Happiness.Peace of mind.The results never reflected anything close to what I believed.I didn't know I was missing a peice of the puzzle....In order to get ahead.........You must first get even.Until you get even you can never get clear.I've been back at home, where I grew up for the past week.I guess you can term that my "hometown".It's been very healing in that it has fully allowed me to leave the emotional charge sparked earlier in this experiment when in my apartment.To much inner emotional turmoil had polluted the space. If I would have stayed it would have slowly leaked back into me; enticing me with lies of the past once again.I couldn't get clear there.I couldn't get even there.My family thinks I'm totally nuts.They don't get what I'm trying to do.I don't try to explain anymore.They can't handle it.I'm so okay with what I'
Hi My Name is Morgan and I'm a Schmoozer 2007-07-12 22:23:00 (Addicts & Alcoholics will get that.)It’s official I am a schmoozer.I told my Mom she could put it on the shelf with all my manyRehab Completion Awards & Arrest Reports ….She didn’t think it was funny.I did.So what is the “Power of Schmooze” award…Created by Mike at Ordinary Folk and Danielle at Pink Reviews this award helps“recognize those people that were [are] exceptionally adept at creating relationships with other bloggers by making an effort to be part of a conversation, as opposed to monologue.”The rules? Below:-If, and only if, you get the Thinking Blogger Award or The Power of Schmooze Award, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think, or have schmoozed you into submission. -Link to this post and Mike so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme-Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ or ‘The Power of Schmooze Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.This award was passed on to me by the wonderful and a Read more:Morgan
Day 15.....Halfway Where? 2007-07-11 22:30:00 I hate moving.There is no other way I can look at it.It just sucks.I try to think of all the good and positive aspects of leaving this place.But those thoughts melt into the sweat pouring off of me as I lug my stuff down three flights of steps.I hate moving.I’m half out of my old life and half in my new life.One foot in the past.One foot in the future.I’ve lived in this apartment for a year now and I look back on the year and wonder where the hell it went.I know that it was part of my process as well as part of the healing process.This was the first time in 12 years that I lived on my own.No jumping from place to place with each new boyfriend.It was the first time I actually stopped long enough at my life to see that the way I had lived in the past was no a way I wanted to live again.I always NEEDED someone or shall I put it more bluntly to say I always had to have a man around to let me know what I was worth.Reviewing my choices of men in the past it’s very obvious that I had n Read more:Halfway
Day 14.......Never Alone 2007-07-10 16:38:00 For much of my life I felt alone.I thought nobody understood.I thought I was different.It took quite a long time for me to realize that I wasn’t so different then anyone else in this world and in fact I was more like others then I thought.I didn’t see the similarities because I was so focused on the differences.Backgrounds.Religions.Belief Systems.Education.Lifestyle Choices.Professions.The diverse, uniqueness displayed within each and every person collectively representing the sum of us all.Pieces of me…pieces of you.A puzzle is nothing without all the different pieces that make it whole.I started this blog 14 days ago. It was the first steps in me creating a life that resonated as a life I choose to live. An experiment for me to discover if anything was truly possible. To find if the intention I set out into the universe at large was something that could become a possibility within my life.It has.I’ve discovered that there are so many loving and caring people in this world,
Day 18...Eyes Wide Open 2007-07-15 22:29:00 Life is weird.In the midst of so much change there is a quiet tranquility emerging from a deeper understanding of the universe at large.There are moments that come about in which little seeds of fear try to re-root and grow again.But hope, faith and trust are excellent gardeners.Still there are moments in which I still feel the driving urge to....Do something.Control something.Force a solution.Resistance wears many masks but I'm learning to allow the universe to show me the way past it's subtle disguises of good fortune.It feels weird to not resist.When I finally decided that I was going to move back to Long Island I got a call from the broker showing my apartment. The girl moving into the apartment wanted to make a deal. She offered me $200.00 if I could leave earlier because she needed to move earlier.So I agreed.I have often bent over backwards to make life easier for others not realizing I was making my life harder as well as uncomfortable.The situation with this girl was one o Read more:Eyes Wide
Just a lil something..... 2007-07-15 13:02:00 I have found that the greatest aspect of online communities is the power of networking between fellow bloggers old and new. I have met some really amazing people that have helped me tremendously in my daily trek through my 30 day experiment.I am someone that will help out as many people as I can.In anyway that I can.If it's something
that has the potential for all things positive.Because I believe that what you put out is what you get back.I don't do it because I'm self-centered and want more for myself...I do it because that's the type of world I want to be part of...So I do my part to have my world be a reflection of that.I was browsing through one of the online communities I'm part of and ventured over to view the profile of a new friend I had started communicating with a few days back.There are many blogs that I know nothing about and don't feel comfortable leaving comments just for the heck of it. But I do make an effort to vist sites and comment if appropriate for me to do
Day 17...Stepping through the door. 2007-07-14 21:55:00 I haven't written because I've been moving from my apartment back out to my parents house in Long Island. It's a bit of a distance between both locations so much of my time has been occupied with driving and sitting in traffic.I don't know about anyone else in this world but when I'm driving I'm in la-la land. Some of my craziest, kookiest ideas happen during this time. That's how I came up with this experiment.I'm also very guilty of having conversations with myself as I drive.I don't know why.Half the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.I tend to become aware that I am having a full on conversation with myself when I stop at red lights and notice the person in the car next to me.All of a sudden I get real self conscious and will pretend I'm talking on my cell phone so the person in the car next to me doesn't think I'm totally nuts.But I do have a bit of the "Nut" factor in me.I'm okay with that...it makes my life more interesting and at times very chaotic.So I'm ha Read more:Stepping
Just a small introduction to my Dad 2007-07-14 21:25:00 Before I get to day 17 I have to share a little story about my Dad.He's just as screwed up as most people in this world and has created quite a bit of internal damage within me through the years.But he is one funny bastard.It's about 10:45pm and he want to just go to sleep.But theres a bunch of kids hanging around the front yard because of a block party thats going on.Some would simply go outside and ask them to maybe quiet down or move away...But that's not my Dad.He has his own way of communicationg with the world.He zoomed out of his bedroom, stopped in looked at me on the computer and simply said..."Gotta water the lawn"I ignore him because half the time I'm not on the same train his thoughts are running on.A few minutes later I hear shrieking outside, he comes back up the stairs and tells me..."Your brother installed the sprinkler system perfectly."
Day 21..... 2007-07-18 22:12:00 When I woke up this morning it was pouring.Really pouring.It seemed as if the the sky just opened up and emptied itself all at once.Most people can't stand it when it's raining like that.I even have days where I can't stand it.But all in all I love the rain.I stood in my Mother's garden letting it totally soak me.I like the way the drops feel cool on my face.It almost felt as if I was being washed of the past several days of constant running around.The stress.The lack of sleep.The fight against the fear that threatens to consume me at times.I'm shot right now.I desperately need to re-charge myself but can't seem to find a moment to do so.But I NEED to or I will fall apart at the seams.There is so much good in my life at the moment and so much on it's way.There is so much I need to completely focus on and there is always something to distract me.I am so tired right now that I really don't even have the energy to write nor do I have the mental capacity to wrap my brain around muc
Organ Donation Awareness 2007-07-18 13:12:00 Since 1995 I have carried an organ donation card in my wallet. In theevent that I die, it legally gives doctors permission to use my organs. All of them except my eyes.I know that by donating organs, a person can give another "The gift of Life." But there are cases in which donated organs do not save lives due to some of the complications involved.I could list the number of people waiting for donations.I could write about why people should donate.I could talk about why people in opposition should change their view.But none of that serves to help the problem at hand.Lack of Awareness
.Lack of people willing to participate in the many different ways available.Lack of people with the knowledge of how to be a potential donor. Whether one opposes the practice or supports it.Whether it is right or wrong.None of that holds any weight against those in the position of actually waiting for a potential donor that may save their life. The staggering amount of people waiting for organsspeaks volumes Read more:Donation
Day 19 & 20.....Home 2007-07-17 22:16:00 I'm scared.The past two days I have been back and forth between Queens and Long Island moving the last of my stuff. I walked around the empty apartment before I left; just taking a moment to really let it all set in that I was no longer going to be living there.It was no longer my home.I was voluntarily moving back to Crazy town.I was going to be living with the Mayor of Crazy town who happens to be my Father.I'm trying not to project or to set myself up but I know my Dad.I know he's sick.I know he doesn't mean to freak out.I know he doesn't mean what he says.His words are sharper then a knife......and cut you off right below the knees. His verbal lashings have left there scars upon my spirit.With just one of those blank, black-eyed hollow stares and I know that he's about to attack. I used to think he hated me; that I was such a fuck-up that there was no room in his heart to offer me any love.I didn't know he was sick.It was a secret.There was so much I never knew about my Fath
Day 18...Eyes Wide Open 2007-07-15 22:29:00 Life is weird.In the midst of so much change there is a quiet tranquility emerging from a deeper understanding of the universe at large.There are moments that come about in which little seeds of fear try to re-root and grow again.But hope, faith and trust are excellent gardeners.Still there are moments in which I still feel the driving urge to....Do something.Control something.Force a solution.Resistance wears many masks but I'm learning to allow the universe to show me the way past it's subtle disguises of good fortune.It feels weird to not resist.When I finally decided that I was going to move back to Long Island I got a call from the broker showing my apartment. The girl moving into the apartment wanted to make a deal. She offered me $200.00 if I could leave earlier because she needed to move earlier.So I agreed.I have often bent over backwards to make life easier for others not realizing I was making my life harder as well as uncomfortable.The situation with this girl was one o Read more:Eyes Wide
Just a lil something..... 2007-07-15 13:02:00 I have found that the greatest aspect of online communities is the power of networking between fellow bloggers old and new. I have met some really amazing people that have helped me tremendously in my daily trek through my 30 day experiment.I am someone that will help out as many people as I can.In anyway that I can.If it's something
that has the potential for all things positive.Because I believe that what you put out is what you get back.I don't do it because I'm self-centered and want more for myself...I do it because that's the type of world I want to be part of...So I do my part to have my world be a reflection of that.I was browsing through one of the online communities I'm part of and ventured over to view the profile of a new friend I had started communicating with a few days back.There are many blogs that I know nothing about and don't feel comfortable leaving comments just for the heck of it. But I do make an effort to vist sites and comment if appropriate for me to do
Day 17...Stepping through the door. 2007-07-14 21:55:00 I haven't written because I've been moving from my apartment back out to my parents house in Long Island. It's a bit of a distance between both locations so much of my time has been occupied with driving and sitting in traffic.I don't know about anyone else in this world but when I'm driving I'm in la-la land. Some of my craziest, kookiest ideas happen during this time. That's how I came up with this experiment.I'm also very guilty of having conversations with myself as I drive.I don't know why.Half the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.I tend to become aware that I am having a full on conversation with myself when I stop at red lights and notice the person in the car next to me.All of a sudden I get real self conscious and will pretend I'm talking on my cell phone so the person in the car next to me doesn't think I'm totally nuts.But I do have a bit of the "Nut" factor in me.I'm okay with that...it makes my life more interesting and at times very chaotic.So I'm ha Read more:Stepping
Just a small introduction to my Dad 2007-07-14 21:25:00 Before I get to day 17 I have to share a little story about my Dad.He's just as screwed up as most people in this world and has created quite a bit of internal damage within me through the years.But he is one funny bastard.It's about 10:45pm and he want to just go to sleep.But theres a bunch of kids hanging around the front yard because of a block party thats going on.Some would simply go outside and ask them to maybe quiet down or move away...But that's not my Dad.He has his own way of communicationg with the world.He zoomed out of his bedroom, stopped in looked at me on the computer and simply said..."Gotta water the lawn"I ignore him because half the time I'm not on the same train his thoughts are running on.A few minutes later I hear shrieking outside, he comes back up the stairs and tells me..."Your brother installed the sprinkler system perfectly."
Hi My Name is Morgan and I'm a Schmoozer 2007-07-12 22:23:00 (Addicts & Alcoholics will get that.)It’s official I am a schmoozer.I told my Mom she could put it on the shelf with all my manyRehab Completion Awards & Arrest Reports ….She didn’t think it was funny.I did.So what is the “Power of Schmooze” award…Created by Mike at Ordinary Folk and Danielle at Pink Reviews this award helps“recognize those people that were [are] exceptionally adept at creating relationships with other bloggers by making an effort to be part of a conversation, as opposed to monologue.”The rules? Below:-If, and only if, you get the Thinking Blogger Award or The Power of Schmooze Award, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think, or have schmoozed you into submission. -Link to this post and Mike so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme-Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ or ‘The Power of Schmooze Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.This award was passed on to me by the wonderful and a Read more:Morgan
Day 15.....Halfway Where? 2007-07-11 22:30:00 I hate moving.There is no other way I can look at it.It just sucks.I try to think of all the good and positive aspects of leaving this place.But those thoughts melt into the sweat pouring off of me as I lug my stuff down three flights of steps.I hate moving.I’m half out of my old life and half in my new life.One foot in the past.One foot in the future.I’ve lived in this apartment for a year now and I look back on the year and wonder where the hell it went.I know that it was part of my process as well as part of the healing process.This was the first time in 12 years that I lived on my own.No jumping from place to place with each new boyfriend.It was the first time I actually stopped long enough at my life to see that the way I had lived in the past was no a way I wanted to live again.I always NEEDED someone or shall I put it more bluntly to say I always had to have a man around to let me know what I was worth.Reviewing my choices of men in the past it’s very obvious that I had n Read more:Halfway
Day 14.......Never Alone 2007-07-10 16:38:00 For much of my life I felt alone.I thought nobody understood.I thought I was different.It took quite a long time for me to realize that I wasn’t so different then anyone else in this world and in fact I was more like others then I thought.I didn’t see the similarities because I was so focused on the differences.Backgrounds.Religions.Belief Systems.Education.Lifestyle Choices.Professions.The diverse, uniqueness displayed within each and every person collectively representing the sum of us all.Pieces of me…pieces of you.A puzzle is nothing without all the different pieces that make it whole.I started this blog 14 days ago. It was the first steps in me creating a life that resonated as a life I choose to live. An experiment for me to discover if anything was truly possible. To find if the intention I set out into the universe at large was something that could become a possibility within my life.It has.I’ve discovered that there are so many loving and caring people in this world,
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