Owner: The processof a miracle..a 30 day experiment. URL:http://www.processofmiracles.blogspot.com Join Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2007 22:17:35 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: Is it possible to transform every aspect of one's existence in the course of 30 days...In a way that can only be described as a miracle? Site statistics:Click here
The next steps.... 2007-08-08 15:57:00 I began this experiment as a desperate last attempt to discover more.All that I had known.Though I knew.Believed.Wasn't enough to for me to want to keep myself in the world I lived in.Life is simply a reflection of what you know...and something within me knew more then I did.I challenged myself on a level in which I never found the. courage to do so before.The pain in my life, the disappointment and disillusion I felt in every moment was the driving force that led me to find another way. To redefine the abstract nature of what life was described to be, as I was told life was by those who taught me.I am a miracle.You are a miracle.We are all miracles.They are not events that take place high in the sky separate from us in someway. They are only the simple wonder of once again finding the absolute bliss, magic and awe that life contains.Within the struggles of everyday life.....Miracles occur daily.I was always looking into the sky for them and so I missed them appearing before me.I don Read more:steps
Day 5... Origins Male 2007-08-13 13:50:00 Every day from age two till adolescence, I would be doing a variety of things around my house: dancing, annoying my brothers, watching TV, or making a mess. When I would hear the sound... The most exciting sound of every day The sound of the 5:22 train out of NY Penn FINALLY rolling in to Ronkonkoma Station with my daddy on it I would stop Run And sit at the top of the stairs waiting for him Energy lifted He would walk in and 2 sets of eyes would light up! We spent every Saturday morning together;: bagels, carwash, drycleaners, library, ANYWHERE!!!!!! Two days ago, I wrote about the nature of the relationship I share with my mother, and now I need to bring to life the other half of me. How do you make a God human? I don’t know if I can. I am not sure he is. I do not know, have never met, and never will meet someone who emanates such goodness. He is selfless, devoted to his family. And the charisma!!!! Oh my God, every hot dog vendor from Penn to his old office on 40th and B Read more:Origins
Day Four... Love Stoned 2007-08-12 13:33:00 This is not intended to be read by prudes…I just saw Justin Timberlake in concert last night and am feeling a bit dirty....Read more..... Read more:Day Four
Day 8 ... Letting Go 2007-08-17 08:52:00 A favorite song of mine from Joe Cocker…..not so easy to do.My friend, who started me on this process, and I have beenso connected of late…we are on this journey together. Today on the phone, she brought up the topic of anger. I quicklynoted to her, that while in bed last night…I was thinking ofjust that.On this journey, I am not in any way unaware of the fact thatI have, “anger issues”.Translation…I overreact a lot. I explode so quickly. Many timesit can be seen from the outside. But what is going on inside isso much worse.I literally can feel HEAT surging through my veins. And this isnot the good sexual heat…oh god please LET ME FEEL THAT SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am talking about this explosion of bubbling lava blooderupting throughout my body. Making me appear red all over…a hot look for freckly chick like myselfThere is no poker face.There are no poker words.I can be lethal. I can be over reactive. I have been known, onoccasion, to make matters worse.I think only w Read more:Letting
Day 7... Scab Pickin' Fool 2007-08-15 15:33:00 I pick my scabs.This is a gross unladylike habit. I always thought that once I was an adult.A LADYI would stop doing that.Guess WHAT????I haven't.I suffer from chronic-scabpickulitus.And you know you know what?Fuck it.What childhood oddities did you bring along withyou to your adulthood? I would love to know. Hereare a few other of my signature child to adult idiosyncrasies:1. the previously mentioned scab picking2. every time I eat a bagel, I take a bite of eachquarter, separating them, forming a bagel line. I eat the worstquarter bagel first, and then end with the last BEST deliciousbite at the end.Read more of this post....
Day 6.. Spiritual Scrub 2007-08-15 02:55:00 I woke up this morning in a shitty mood. I am having money troubles. I am a fiscal failure with a promising job. It is a sad pathetic treatise on my inability to live within my means. But it is true.Because of this, I had to ask my brother for help.I couldn't ask my father again...ONE MORE TIMEBecause he has helped me so often, and without payback.Maybe it this journey I am on of late. A journey to be the best me. But I went to my brother knowing he would help and knowing he would be strict about the following: 1. I WILL pay him back2. There will be no money directly deposited in my acct.3. He will force me to admit everything about my spending habits and help me come up with a planNeedless to say, I felt like a baby sister in the truest form last night.I went to bed with an inspired idea on what to write about. I would write about how it is a blessing to have someone to fall on when you are in need. How I was humiliated but calm about it all for the first time. I felt a change ahead.
Day 11... Gimme some lovin 2007-08-20 22:03:00 Today was Monday...I said it could/would/should be full of hope.I worked 12 hours.I got a letter saying I owe the federal govt $1,200 from 2005 tax return.WHAT THE FUCK!!!!OK...so I am not going to write about feeling calm and working my way through obvious frustration. Instead I am going to talk about the one thing that makes me calm without having to think about it.SEXRead more of this post..... Read more:Gimme
Day 10 ... Rainy Days and Sundays 2007-08-19 18:12:00 Why are Sundays
filled with sadness and gloom? They are the February of days, the dark ages of time, the black hole of the universe.I hate them. I feel lonelier than on any other day. I allow my imagination to run wild and then am even more let down when faced with the foolishness of my fanciful, whimsical thoughts. I am embarrassed that my mind can wonder so freely and yet so specifically into scenarios and at the same time they offer me my only solace from the doldrums of the day.Today, I was thinking would be different. I was hoping to awake and see the sun through my window and sense the continuation of the beautiful weather in our nation's capital. But the sky is thick with dense, sticky clouds. My plans of basking the sun while continuing through Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged (AMAZING), and taking dips in the chilled blue pool were over. I was left in my bed to think about Sunday in all its...Sundayness.....Read more of this post... Read more:Rainy Days
Day 9... Priceless 2007-08-19 18:11:00 I didn't write yesterday. I was busy........Being part of a miracle of sorts. Though I didn't know the foundation of this miracle started my freshman year of college.I met amazing women. Three. I don't keep in touch with them on the same time table. But there is instant comfort....instant love....and instant LAUGHTER.We love each other.I feel blessed.In many different ways, we were all open and that allowed us to connect in a way that not all people can.Throughout changes...and post-college life choices that could pull apart most, we remain friends.We are cheerleaders rooting for each other.We are hot chocolate on a snowy day and the feel of water on the hot humid haze of August.I have never laughed so hard in my life. I couldn't breathe. My abs are sore. I was, still am elated.At one point, my eyes glazed over.I was diving within.Feeling less than. Judging myself.My friend noticed and asked, "Are you getting introspective?"To which I replied, "Yes."She knew why. She wouldn't allo Read more:Priceless
Day 16... Home Schooling 2007-08-28 23:47:00 Composition Where do we learn to hate ourselves?Where do we learn to doubt ourselves?What inside us makes us feel ugly...when others proclaimWe are beautiful, special and unlike no other?Do we hear that and think that different is somehow worse?Can we ever accept is as a gift?Can I ever accept me?Math< not>-not+dividing myself up into minuscule empty bitsrather than multiplying positive imagesLabMy question:Is it possible to stop one's brain from going to the places itseems most comfortable Hypothsis:Yes this is possible Method:control negative behavior via the following steps: 1.identify the thought2. at that moment STOP what you are doing and breathe 3. immediately replace that thought with two positive ones 4. keep doing this until one day you notice that the firstthought is not a negative one Check and interpret your results:one day i will NOT fuck myself over with a new man, bymaintaining a well earned and deserved sense of calmShare your results with the community at large:read Read more:Home Schooling
, Schooling
Day 15...Home Economics 2007-08-27 15:59:00 Pattern: a combination of qualities, acts, tendencies, etc.,forming a consistent or characteristic arrangement: thebehavior patterns of teenagers. Definition and example both so poignant.I wrote earlier that I have lost touch with the energy thatwas present in the beginning of this journey. In the midstof my sadness today came an old and often times experiencedrevelation.I weave destructive patterns with men.This is not about a man I may see and want to sleep with.....but rather the pattern of men like the engaged ex.or like the most current obsession - we will call him Mr. BW Pattern for soul dancer's destructive damsel's dress:1. canvas - Any man who makes me flutter upon first sight.This is usually someone slightly out of reach or hard to get.In this case a big to do in my professional life. He may or maynot be single. He does flirt back, but never consistently. He isattractive and definitely sexy in the way that inspires imaginaryposts like Day 11! Essentially, he is a challenge Read more:Economics
Day 14 ....I'm Back 2007-08-27 15:19:00 I am going to be a blog writing fool. I woke this morning, after not having written something of substance for five days, I felt out of it. I felt disconnected. I guess part of the journey is recognizing that you needed to be on the journey in the first place. I could easily have aborted this mission......stopped...continued on in the monotonous robotic way I spoke about in my first post.I will not allow that to happenRead More of this Post.....
Day 17 ... Humble Thanks 2007-08-31 09:22:00 I would like to thank every single person who has sent mecomments on my past few posts regarding changing behavior.There have been some amazingly helpful ideas. Those ideas,the positive energy, as well as an INSANELY good night's sleep(thank you JESSICA - though I am thinking you gave me thedate rape drug!) leave me excited and humble. I am recommittedto living life to my fullest potential, especially when peoplewho don't even know me feel compelled to:a. wish me wellb. commend my couragec. provide me with constructive ways to deal with negativityWOO HOO!This is an amazing day. A new day. Some postive things going on.......................We are having clean up day at work. lame lame lame emailshave been passed around - lamer notices have been posted.BUT, it is a cleaning, a rebirth. I have tons of shit on my deskand....it will be reviewedit will be regarded it will be discardedhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm how can that relate to me in otherareas? (DUH!!)I am going to my friend's house (ruffie gi Read more:Humble
, Thanks
Day 26 ... If it looks like a Jew and it talks like a jew 2007-09-22 18:32:00 No this is not some vicious antisemitic posting.Wednesday until today at sundown is the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah. Basically it is the Jewish New Year.I like to call it Jew Year's Eve - and in my mind's eye I have visions of Jackie Mason hosting the Rocking Jew Year's Eve special (early bird at 4:30 of course) where we count down from ten to see the matzoh ball drop!I have stated in my "about me" intro that I am a DANCER.Another thing that defines me deeply is the fact that I am a Jew.However, I fought it for a long time.The thing about Judaism is that it is both a religion and an ethnicity.People ask,"How can that be?"Well, Jews believe that we are part of a bloodline. Though we did not have land to call or own, and have been historically kicked out of nations, or worse...The bloodline is why Jews don't believe in conversion. Converts are accepted, but Jews don't go out and do Join the Temple drives.No crusades or Jihads for us. I have two opposing opinions about that.1. it is
Day 25 ...When in Doubt RANT 2007-09-14 12:14:00 I HATE today. PMSisjustttheworstmostannoyingirrationalthingwehavetodealwitheveryfuckingmonthourwordsandthoughtsturninwardsothatallweseearetheugliestpartsofourselvesAnd nothing makes senseDo I notice my dainty ankles or button nose or shapely calvesI see deep love handles, a mommybelly with nothing inside, and NASTY thighsI am not going to sit here an talk about PMSwe get itit sucksi hate myself for a few days and then I move on.So.....as I sit here and rage I thought I would share with you a few of my favorite key phrases........I hope that you can comment and send me some of your faves.....Every cloud has a silver lining - this phrase is a particularly annoying one - because clouds are beautiful in their "endlessness" - when riding in the plane, have you ever looked out the window to see the edge of a cloud? Oh look.....there are those silver lined clouds! SO much better than the amorphous never ending sky that draws shapes for our individual pairs of eyes to discover. Why don't we l
Day 24 ... At Least the Burgers Were Good 2007-09-11 09:38:00 I'm back -in DC.Back from 5 weeks in row of traveling.Today was the unveiling.This woman.My grandma.I miss her.Her great grandchildren miss her. I shared my eulogy that I read at her memorial with you yesterday.Today...I saw her memory disrespected. I saw my mother crushed.I witnessed the opening scene of a Woody Allen movie. I can't takecredit for that comparison......It was Linda (see Post 22).Read more of this post.... Read more:Burgers
Day 23 ...In Loving Memory 2007-09-11 09:37:00 I am in New York this weekend(again) for my grandma's unveiling ceremony. An unveiling is a ceremony that dedicates a grave monument erected for someone who passed away twelves months earlier. Today's post is the speech I gave at her memorial service, with some minor changes for anonymity's sake. I was asked to speak about my grandma today.......I would first like to share a few memories.............My cousin and I playing in the bathtub with very sophisticated toys - a whisk and a spatula!Laying in bed with her for hours chatting about movies we liked while she was scratching my back or "doing my feet". On a side note to that I also remember how my Uncle would always get in trouble by my Aunt for getting a foot rub during the holidays. Somehow he was successful in sneaking it in!I can’t sugarcoat things completely though. She had her faults, and I know this because as I get older I realize I share a lot of them. I, like grandma am very opinionated and feel I have the right to ope Read more:Loving
, Memory
Day 22 ... The Disney Room 2007-09-09 15:17:00 I have been having some trouble breathing. Every once in awhile I get this sharp pain in the middle of my back when Iinhale. It has happened to me for years, but of late it hashappened more frequently.Finding a doctor in Washington DC who practices internalmedicine, and is WILLING to take on new patients is likefinding the literal needle in the haystack.Yesterday, after MANY phone calls to rude receptionists whopractically hang up but instead bark back that they are at capacity,I found a doctor RIGHT around the corner from my office. And theyhad an opening today for 3:30.I awoke this morning in MAJOR pain. Not any of this pain waswith my breathing, or lungs (which was my diagnosis - convincedof lung cancer as I was a smoker of 15 years........WAS). I feltas if a chef at Benihana had come into my studio apt and slicedand diced every one of my ab muscles, as well as my lower backmuscles.WHY?I went to the gym yesterday. TWICE.I stated on Monday that my mother agreed to pay for a trainer. Read more:Disney
Day 21 ...ENoUGH with the S-E-X 2007-09-08 01:37:00 That is what my sister-in-law told me.Perfect thing for her to say because it will allow for two things.1 - to talk about her 2 - to demonstrate to me that there indeed is some internalimprovement going on hereLinda has been married to my brother for almost 11 years. If they get divorced she officially gets custody of me. She ismore than my sister-in-law. She is my sister. I have fallen inlove with her family. Linda often says,"Everyone is trying to get out, and you keep pushing your way in!"We weren't always so close. She is a WASP - it took her awhile to warm up. Us Jews melted the ice in her veins. She isnot quite warm and fuzzy, but we do have her ON FILM talkingto her son with a baby voice. You can't imagine two more people so different and yet so alike.Read more of this Post......
Day 20... The Precipice 2007-09-05 17:52:00 I love sex.And I have written about it a lot. Here's the thingI have had opportunities of late. They always seem to just miss.Just seem to not happen. There are no coincidences.I think...I hate to say it, that I want sex to MEAN SOMETHING*(vomit). Oh god...I am one of those now. Don't get me wrongI want all of those things I described in Day 11. I just want themwith someone I care aboutUntil then...batteries and porn it is.So sad.But it is a milestone. And one I am proud of. It will involvecutting some men out of my life. Men to whom I am a sexualobject. Believe me, I allowed it. I loved it. I craved to be looked at that way...you know the drill. "Beautiful girls want to be called smart.Smart girls want to feel beautiful."I am a smart girl......you do the math.I can say that there are a few men who randomly call or emailand I allow this sexual banter to exist. Lately it hasn't reallyheld up to scrutinizing. I haven't enjoyed it, more continued itbased on habit alone. I am not again
Day 19... Old Habits Die Hard 2007-09-04 17:05:00 Midway Inventory.I have learned some things............I have fixed a few of themI am working on othersFailing at a fewOverall in a better place than where I first started.I am writing this in the guest room of my parents' house inLong Island. Overall, the weekend has been amazing. Lots ofnephew time, lots of of family time, and great food. FYI no sex.I think I will need to address this in another post!AAAAHHHH the food. Pushing a size 14 amongst an immediatefamily which includes the following:- A brother who works out 3 separate times a day, be it karate,tennis, weights, or other cardio, and who follows the Okinawanway of life (shudders when you call it a diet)......he is less than5 % body fat- A sister in law who is a size 4 - looks great and seems to likethe same food as me, however CONTROLS herself and exercises!- A friend who has absolutely become a thin yet vivaciousbombshell- The piece de resistance - a mom who is a size 2 petite withcurvesGreat right!Read More of this post....
Day 18... MEOWWWWWw 2007-09-03 15:08:00 One of the best ways to create the life you want is tosurround yourself by people who inspire you to do just that.I need to discuss my model of a working AMAZING relationship.But first let's set the mood.DC - 2005. Townhouse Tavern. I am in the bar sitting next to Adam, the HOTTIE from Canadastudying clinical psych at Howard. He was an ex college footballplayer, 6'5 Scottish and Greek GOD of a man. However, to quoteDodgeball , and possibly to quote it incorrectly, he was either"Possibly gay or awkwardly Canadian".I could never quite figure it out.........Read more of this post....
Day 27 ... Atoning 2007-09-22 18:31:00 Today I am fasting.We are in the midst of another Jewish holiday. On this holiday we atone for our sins.....a whole year of sins compacted into one day.A list of sins:1. I wanted a married man. I didn't go through with it, but I would have.2. Illegal substances have entered my body.3. I am guilty of manipulation.4. I am guilty of lying.5. I watch porn(questioning whether or not that is a sin)6. I am materialistic7. I am gluttonous 8. I can be jealous of people9. I am guilty of screaming at myself, hating myself, defeating myself.10. I am guilty of managing anger poorly.I can say that these sins have been the same for many years. I am a work in progress as always. I love when Linda (sister-in-law) says, "tale as old as time".It is so true. If I could remove ONE of these per year, I would be happy. I know people may think #1 is the worst. But I disagree.It is #9.........good ol' self hatred, that is the worst. It is the indirect cause of #1, among other numbers.You know that mant
Day 29 ... Lookin Back Leapin... 2007-10-04 14:23:00 I want to share with you all something I wrote about the ex.............this was before the journey. A journey of 30 days EXTENDED to 60. Maybe I have been hesitant to write because I don't want it to end. But like all good things, it has to. It was with contentment I read this, feeling confident that I am no longer bound by hopes that are futile, or rather hopes wrapped up in a cloak of illusion. I apologize for the lengthy paragraphs, but they make sense to me as is. This is where I was at with the ex for a long time. My story of the ex:THE EX - we have known each other since seventh grade. We were always in homeroom together. He said he always remembered me talking about my shoes. I remember him as a chubby kid. I became friends with his older sister through my crazy dive into the Rave scene. Man, were those crazy days. I would be at their house, not sober and The Ex and his friends would be downstairs. I would be SO annoyed by the boys because they were loud and unruly and always
Day 28 ... The Yetta Strikes Back 2007-10-01 12:58:00 I met my new grandma this weekend.I hated every second of it.I realized I would have been a HORRIBLE child of divorce.HORRIBLEI was of course cordialpoliteI remembered when I was in junior high school.My brother broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years.......I was devastated and swore to be mean to the next one.I cracked in a second.I can't be mean.And she was nice.Yetta wasn't NOT nice.but she was slightly opinionatedI guess at 80 you no longer feel the need to impressI wasn't expecting to feel so weird.I wasn't expecting to feel so territorialThis is not my grandma - this is not the woman who loved meI don't have to forgive her gruffness.But I never showed my grandpa I was feeling this.Some of my cousins are being so rude about it.He is almost 90I do want him to be happyI was cordial, but distantMy mom did a lot of the talkingMy mom is an amazing woman.AMAZINGSelfless!And not just because she got be that gray coach bagShe us simply put a LADYI felt like a petulant childI felt lik Read more:Strikes
Day 30 ... Arms wide open 2007-11-05 14:02:00 My last day - I have spanned my month of fame long enough. Being someone who has always followed the rules..............I asked my friend, "what do I do if I want to keep writing?"DUH - I KEEP WRITING!!!!And so I will. Having worked on my book for a while, I think I need to take some real time to develop an action plan. I thought I would share the title of my book with you all. Marry Me Justin, or if not How About an Affair? A 30 Year Old's Journey to Inner and Outer BeautyAre you hooked? I am trying to get to triple digit pages. Trying to send to an editor when I have that much. And so I plan on drilling down on that and getting it ready to go by the new year. An aggressive, though doable goal!This process has been mind blowing, orgasmic, and one of the healthiest steps I have taken in a long time. I have reconnected with an old friend named creativity.....I have missed her. I hope not to lose touch with her again.I find it astounding how easy it is to not make time for the positive,
Graham Crackers and Milk 2007-11-12 07:55:00 It was a little corner wing of a hospital where I stayed in my last and final detox. The walls painted in a creamy peach brown mix. Clean, sanitized and locked away from the rest of the hospital. Safe from the world and safe from ourselves…for at least a few moments in time. The windows were screwed shut and all we could do was to look down at the world. Watching as the people below rushed back and forth to the here’s and there’s of their lives, while we each went through our own individual hellish nightmares of the detox process.Read More of this Post....... Read more:Graham
, Crackers
Hope 2007-11-11 19:56:00 Tiny bubbles dancing in the wind, bursting with the vibrant colors of wonder, splendor and awe. Painting upon the canvas of our lives the infinite possibilities of our dreams.Hope has been the fuel that has allowed me to persistently strive to change my life, improve myself and to be more then the very limits I have experienced. Even when I was caught within the grips of my addiction, there was always that little something inside that whispered to me……that there was more. More then the hopeless state I existed in.More then a life chasing after the next one.More than a life lived wasting away in the cesspool of addiction. When the moment presented itself; that place within me of wanting, dreaming and wonder, allowed me to step onto the path that would lead me from the life of addiction I had lived for so long to a life I had forgotten was possible. Hope paved my way to freedom.Read More of this Post......
Acceptance 2007-11-09 11:18:00 My word for today is:Only when one can truly experience the moment through the eyes of acceptance. The path of change that leads to healing will never be seen, nor can it be traveled. I held a solid 4.0 grade point average studying Anatomy and Physiology I & II, Calculus, Physics as well as other classes.I worked as a home health aid caring for a 78 year old woman recovering from congestive heart failure as well as a broken hip. I was one of twenty students chosen to study within the Physical Therapist Program. I was listed on the Honor roll as well as the Dean’s list. But beneath these pretty little decorations I adorned myself with..I was a full time lying, thieving, stone cold heroin addict. I thought I hid the “other” part of my life from those around me…..but I was the only one who couldn’t see the truth that I desperately tried to camouflage beneath my academic accomplishments and care taking responsibilities..Read more of this Post..... Read more:Acceptance
Surrender 2007-11-09 11:03:00 My word for today:Surrender
to win. Give up, let go, relinquish control and feel the true essence of powerlessness. Within the the depths of inner surrender comes the greatest power of self-freedom one can ever experience. I grew up with a lot of preconceived notions about the meanings of many words. It never occurred for me to look any further then the various vowels and consonants words were composed of or the limited meanings I held of them within my conscious mind. I never looked beneath their subtle disguise to embrace the greater truth they held within them…. To grasp the potential power they held within them. The idea of surrender went against the grain of my being that demanded that I never give up, never relinquish control, never let em’ see me sweat and never ever, ever admit to defeat. I spent a lot of time hiding behind the masks of self-control that I wore on a daily basis, lost in the idea that if I could just convince the world at large that I was okay, then I would
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