Owner: The B-Movie Catechism URL:http://b-moviecat.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2007 20:00:15 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: One man's desperate attempt to reconcile his love of his Catholic faith with his passion for really, really bad movies. Site statistics:Click here
SHORT FEATURE: STOP DRIVING US CRAZY 2007-12-13 13:29:00 If you thought those sexual predator coloring books and comics recently put out by the Archdiocese of New York were an, um... interesting approach to a real problem, then you might want to check out this nifty little cartoon from 1961 produced by the General Board of Temperance of the Methodist Church involving an irate Martian, reckless drivers, and the Voice of God. (MARS NEEDS... THE RIGHT OF WAY!)I have to say, given my own peculiar tastes, I prefer this cartoon over something like the (take a breath before reading) DOCUMENT OF THE PONTIFICAL COUNCIL FOR THE PASTORAL CARE OF MIGRANTS AND ITINERANT PEOPLE: GUIDELINES FOR THE PASTORAL CARE OF THE ROAD issued by the Vatican on June 19, 2007. (Remember, I listed their 10 commandments of driving at the end of my review for Eat My Dust) At least I made it through the entire cartoon.But as the guy who just spent days typing a compare and contrast essay on The Incarnation and a paper mache brain hanging from a string, I'm certainly not
COMING ATTRACTIONS: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS 2007-12-12 23:22:00 The trailer for this movie seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth (which is appropriate I suppose), so here's an old TV promo from 1984 that also manages to take a few cracks at the wretched Santa Claus: The Movie released that same year. This is a special holiday request from D. G. D. Davidson at The Sci-Fi Catholic who has already watched the MST3K version and read the book this year. (Must be some unspoken Pia Zadora fetish we don't know about.) I also don't know how I'm gonna make it through this one without the MSTies, but I'll give it my best shot.
FILM CLUB REVIEW: CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA 2007-12-12 15:22:00 TAGLINE What was the unspeakable secret of the sea of lost ships? Please do not give away the answer to the secret. THE PLOT Sparks Moran, aka Agent XK150, goes undercover inside the Capetto gang in order to prevent the criminals from smuggling a group of Cuban exiles, as well as a sizeable portion of Cuba's treasury, out of the country. To carry out the deed Capeto assembles a motley crew of thugs including Mary Belle Monahan (who sings the film's haunting theme song), her brother "Happy" Jack Monahan (who, of course, never smiles), and Pete Peterson Jr. (a man capable of communicating only through the use of animal impressions). It isn't long before Sparks stumbles upon the eeevil Capetto's real plan to kill the Cubans, keep the money, and blame the whole thing on a legendary monster which supposedly lives in the nearby waters. Everything goes according to plan until the real monster shows up and starts laying waste to the entire cast. Can Spark's incredible powe
THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS 2007-12-11 10:40:00 TYPICAL REVIEW "It's hard to say that this is a good movie, but it's certainly entertaining in a delirious sort of way." - Mark Zimmer, Digitally Obsessed. THE PLOT Nuclear scientist Steve March and his pal Dan track the source of a mysterious radiation to, um... Mysterious Mountain, where they encounter Gor, The Brain From Planet Arous. The immaterial (and quite eeeevil) Gor wastes no time in incinerating Dan and seizing control of Steve's body. Steve's fiance Sally senses something odd is going on; a fact confirmed when a second floating brain appears, announces himself as a policeman, and possesses the family dog. The new brain, Vol, explains that Gor is an escaped psychotic killer and can only be harmed during the one hour a day he must become corporeal in order to recharge his powers. With only that bit of knowledge, it's up to Sally and the dog to find a way to stop Gor before he can follow up on his threat to blow lots of things up. THE POINT John Ag
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-12-06 22:56:00 Greetings Mr. & Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. This week, after long thought, the Newsreel's intrepid reporters have decided to present for your erudition stories from off the beaten track regarding that most important of man's organs. (Sigh) No, not THAT one; (What blog do you think this is?) we mean the OTHER most important organ. That's right, this week we take at a look at the brain. And in order to help foster cognitive development, this week's Newsreel will have an interactive feature in which you, the reader, get to supply the humor. Brains! They're not just for zombies anymore. Now off to press. DATELINE: SILICON VALLEY - BRAIN DRAIN One doesn't normally associate video games with brain power, however, a recent story from Wired Magazine may just change that perception. The next generation of video game joysticks, Wired tells us, may actually utilize brain controlled interfaces. "Consumer BCIs use noninvasive electroencephalogram (EEG) sen
BRAIN WRAP! 2007-12-20 16:17:00 A brain wrap, for those of you who never spent any time lurking in the dark labyrinthine corridors running above the concession stands and Tivoli lined auditoriums, is slang used by projectionists to describe a situation in which the film exiting the vertical feed platter via the payout unit (the brain) tangles up into a hopeless mass of celluloid. It's nigh impossible to repair quickly and sometimes even results in the cancellation of the show. In short, it's all screwed up!Thanks to a nasty flu virus, a truncated work week and the standard holiday demands, the B-Movie Catechism is experiencing a major league brain wrap. We're not canceling the show (NO REFUNDS!) but we will be delayed for a few days as we splice everything back together into working order. Until then, you might want to check out some of the following movie related links.Allen from It Came From Allen's Brain offers up his own review of this week's feature, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. He p
FILM CLUB: HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL 2007-12-18 22:07:00 With all of the usual "hey, can you fit in one more assignment before the holidays" stuff going on this week, I almost forgot to post this month's Film Club movie. With everything so hectic, I thought I would choose something light hearted this time around. (Not like last time was anything heavy or anything.) I haven't watched this in a long time, but it's an old favorite and very fun. I hope everyone feels inspired to drop a few comments to include in the review, but even if you don't, you're sure to enjoy... HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1959) "A perennial favorite of the "Shock Theatre" TV circuit, House on Haunted Hill stars Vincent Price as sinister gent (you're surprised?) Frederick Loren, who owns a sinister mansion on a sinister hill, where seven murders have occurred. He makes a proposal to several strangers, offering $10,000 to anyone who can last the entire night. Loren festively gives each of his guests a tiny coffin containing a loaded handgun, d
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-12-17 15:05:00 Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. We here at the Newsreel will go to any lengths to see that you get stories from off the beaten path tread by other agencies. In this instance, that length is roughly 35 million miles as we travel to the planet Mars. Best to go while it's so close. Now off to press. DATLINE: MARS - SLIP SLIDING AWAY Word from the Planetary Society is that the aging Mars exploration rovers Spirit and Opportunity could be in for a long winter. Spirit, whose power-collecting solar panels are already covered in dust from summer storms, is in particular trouble as it is further from the equator than Opportunity and will experience harsher winter temperatures. "The negative impact on the rover's energy is a no-brainer." say the scientists, "Spirit's power levels in all probability will plummet to life-threatening levels as winter sets in." We wonder if St. Joseph Cupertino, patron saint of astronauts,
COMING ATTRACTIONS: THEY LIVE 2007-12-26 15:46:00 I hope everyone likes John Carpenter movies, because I like me some John Carpenter movies, and I'm closing out the first year of this blog with a marathon of John Carpenter movies. The next three or four reviews will feature some of the director's lower-budgeted lesser-viewed fare which, not coincidently, happen to be some of my favorites. Let's get the ball rolling with one of the best movies ever made starring a professional wrestler, 1988's They Live.
SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS 2007-12-25 00:04:00 TAGLINE Blast off for Mars with Santa and a pair of Earth kids! Science-Fun-Fiction at its height! THE PLOT After centuries of machine-induced learning and suppression of any frivolous thoughts, the children of Mars (at least the only two we ever see) are becoming zombies. Acting on the advice of their 800 year old sage, the adult Martians set out to kidnap Santa Claus from Earth and bring him to their planet so Martian children can experience the joys of childhood. Complications arise when, along with Santa, the Martians are forced to take captive two Earth children who witnessed their arrival. The eeevil Martian Voldar, who fears the results of introducing fun into Martian society, makes a number of attempts to murder Santa and the kids, but is easily thwarted by a bit of the old Kris Kringle magic. All is not well, however, as Santa learns his captors plan to keep him on Mars... forever (ever...ever...ever). And Christmas is just a few days away! With the precious seconds tick
COMING ATTRACTIONS: RAT PFINK A BOO BOO 2008-03-07 21:45:39 I know I have a few reader requests to get to, but I haven't reviewed a truly bad film since December and I'm in withdrawal. After a long bout with the flu and some hard days at work I just really feel the need to wind down and watch something really poorly made, badly acted, and unabashedly stupid. God Bless Turner Classics, they must have known. Set the DVR kids because in the wee hours of the morning TCM is gracing us with a Ray Dennis Steckler double feature including the notorious stinker... Rat Pfink A Boo Boo! I can already feel my brain shutting down in anticipation.
INTERMISSION: CATHOLIC BLOG AWARDS? WHAT THE... 2008-03-05 23:07:35 Well, after two to three weeks with the entire household being down with the flu, everyone's finally managed to get back on their feet and I can get back to regular blogging. And it's good timing because the time has come to cast some important votes. No, I'm not talking about that dog and pony show with Hillary and Obama, I'm talking about The 2008 Catholic Blog Awards. While casting my own votes for some of the excellent blogs you see listed over in the sidebar, imagine my surprise to run across my own meager efforts as one of the nominees for Most Informative & Insightful Blog. A definite "What the... !!!" moment. Now I'm not even going to pretend I have a chance of winning, but I have to admit I kind of get a kick out of the idea that this bizarre little corner of the
DON'T GO TO SLEEP 2008-03-05 22:14:46 THE TAGLINE Mary thinks there is something alive under her bed. Mary is right! THE PLOT Hoping to recover from the death of her older sister, young Mary and her family move into a new home for a fresh start. Things go horribly wrong on the very first night, however, as Mary begins to hear disembodied voices and her bed erupts in flame. It isn't long before Mary discovers the source of her troubles is the restless spirit of her dead sister Jennifer, an apparition which no one else but Mary can see. As the rest of the family begins to question Mary's sanity, eventually sending her to a psychiatrist, the dead Jennifer changes her tone, becoming Mary's confidant and co-conspirator. Her mental state deteriorating under the ghost's influence, Mary is ultimately convinced to murder her gran
OUTTAKES 2008-02-29 23:11:01 Well, we're finally getting back on our feet around here and I can get back to blogging. But to buy a couple more days to finish the next review, here's more cartoons.
OUTTAKES 2008-02-24 20:22:36 The flu is rampant in my house right now, so no heavy blogging for the moment. Instead, you get more cartoons.
OUTTAKES 2008-02-21 15:29:31 Happy Lent to all our overburdened clergy out there.
INTERMISSION: A WEEK, A MONTH, A YEAR, HALF YOUR LIFE 2008-02-18 00:12:22 Another meme seems to have found it's way to my lobby, this time by way of The Sci-Fi Catholic. According to the rules, I'm supposed to pick various locales in which I'd like to live for a week, a month, a year, and half my life, and explain my reasons why. That's a dicey proposition when you're confined to a low budget universe like I am. While others get to pick places like The Matrix or Middle Earth, I'm stuck with choices like Boggy Creek, Frogtown, and wherever the heck it is Beastmaster is from. Still, with a little effort, I think I can probably come up with a few interesting B-type places in which to kill some time. So, let's see, how about... A WEEK... on Monster Island. Introduced in 1968's Destroy All Monsters, this is the place where the U. N. dumps all those giant monsters
OUTTAKES 2008-02-17 20:01:21 The resident pantsuit wearing nun at my own parish is actually one of the first people to have befriended me on my return to Catholicism. She also happens to do a lot of the best, and least recognized, charitable work at our church. But the numbers are the numbers, and I worry about the future of her order.
SHORT FEATURE: THE SANDMAN 2008-02-16 21:47:06 Don't go to sleep? Darn right, not with this guy creeping around. Believe me, in no way is this the kind little sprite from Hans Christian Andersen who ushers kids off to Slumberland with a little bit of dust in their eyes. This is the late-great animator John Berry's take on the character as described in E. T. A. Hoffmann's 1816 short story "Der Sandmann". This one ain't for the kiddies. (Unless you really don't want them to go to sleep... ever.) The Bible has it's own share of weird and unusual tales. Take for instance the one told in the deuterocanonical text of Tobit. (Sorry protestant readers, that's one of the books you dumped, but you can always borrow one of our Bibles if you're interested.) In that story, a combination of Jewish and oriental folklore, we meet the unfo
COMING ATTRACTIONS: DON'T GO TO SLEEP 2008-02-13 16:06:25 There is no trailer for this 1982 made-for-TV thriller because (criminally) it's never been released on DVD and the out-of-print VHS is insanely hard to find. So here's a clip instead. WARNING: This movie contains no blood, nudity, or cursing... but the above scene may still seriously creep you out. Or at least put you off pizza for awhile.
OUTTAKES 2008-02-12 21:18:27 Happy St. Valentine's Day everybody.
DARK STAR 2008-02-12 00:25:10 THE TAGLINE "What would you be like after 20 years aboard Dark Star, the spaced out spaceship? The ultimate cosmic comedy!" THE PLOT The Dark Star and her crew are nearing the end of their 20 year mission to destroy unstable planets which might interfere with interstellar travel, but not all has gone well. The captain has died and been stored in deep freeze, the rest of the crew is nearing madness from boredom and apathy, and the entire supply of toilet paper burned up in a storage room fire. To make matters worse, the small alien the crew has been keeping as a mascot escapes and sets into motion a series of escalating disasters. It all comes to a head when the AI in the ship's last bomb mistakenly believes it has received orders to detonate even though it is still attached
FILM CLUB: EVIL BRAIN FROM OUTER SPACE 2008-02-04 23:16:23 Everyone seems to have gotten a kick out of the stills I used in my first Outtakes, so I thought, what the heck, let's just watch the movie. EVIL BRAIN FROM OUTER SPACE (1964) "A monstrous evil brain from outer space leads his minions on a crusade to conquer the universe, and unleashes hideous monsters on Earth that spread deadly diseases. Superhero Starman must rescue Earth from the menace of the evil brain while battling armies of monsters the brain sends against him." The guidelines for participating are simple: 1. Watch the movie (at least as much of it as you can take). The entire film can be viewed in it's entirety at Google Video which has a full screen option, or at bmovies.com which uses a pop-up player. (Don't worry, it's in the public domain, so Thou Shalt Not
OUTTAKES 2008-02-01 20:58:48 Hi, folks. With literally hundreds of public domain movies cluttering my shelves, I thought I would start having a little fun with them. I hope everybody can take a little good natured ribbing.
INTERMISSION: A MEME AND A TEASE 2008-01-31 21:35:24 THE MEME While the projectionist threads up Dark Star it seems as good a time as any to take care of the latest meme. This time around Will Cubbedge from Fish In A Barrel has tagged me with one of the various book memes floating around. The Rules 1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages). 2. Open the book to page 123. 3. Find the fifth sentence. 4. Post the next three sentences. 5. Tag five people. Believe it or not, the book closest to me at this time is the Videohound's Golden Movie Retriever. Honest. I'm not lying. Weeding out the credits, the fifth full sentence on page 123 starts the review of Blade Master. "In this sequel to "Ator the Fighting Eagle," O'Keeffe as Ator is back as the Blade Master. Ator defends his people and his family name i
SHORT FEATURE: THE THING (LEGO VERSION) 2008-01-30 13:35:04 PART 1 PART 2 I realize that by sticking to my shtick here of reviewing only low budget productions, it means that a lot of people's favorite movies (including mine) got left out of our John Carpenter mini film festival. So, following the example of St. Paul in his First Epistle to the Corinthians, "I have become all things to all people, that I might by all means save some." Which, in this context, means saving you from the trouble of telling me how much I suck for not including your favorite John Carpenter movie. As it happens, I am able to give you The Thing, while at the same time still showing you something that probably cost about 20 bucks to make. One of the central themes in The Thing is the total breakdown of the social structure when trust is removed from the mix
FILM CLUB REVIEW: HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL 2008-01-28 12:50:53 TAGLINE The First Film With the Amazing New Wonder EMERGO: The Thrills Fly Right Into The Audience! THE PLOT Millionaire Frederick Loren has rented the legendary House on Haunted Hill for one evening so that his wife can give a party. The guest list, however, consists solely of five seemingly random strangers (test pilot, secretary, psychologist, gossip columnist, and the drunken owner of the house) whom Loren has promised $10,000 each if they stay the entire night. Oh, and survive, of course. Along with the alleged vengeful spirits which inhabit the house, it becomes evident to the guests that Loren and his wife Annabelle might not have the best intentions towards one another. Following a number of supposedly supernatural occurrences, Annabelle is found hung and pronounced dead by t
COMING ATTRACTIONS: DARK STAR 2008-01-24 23:33:56 For the last movie in our John Carpenter mini film fest , I've decided to go with his first. That's right, it's the director's senior thesis, 1974's Dark Star.
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