Owner: The B-Movie Catechism URL:http://b-moviecat.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2007 20:00:15 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: One man's desperate attempt to reconcile his love of his Catholic faith with his passion for really, really bad movies. Site statistics:Click here
INTERMISSION: BANANAS OF REVENGE 2007-10-06 09:00:00 "Run for your lives, children! RUN!"Knoxville, TN is only about 3 1/2 hours away, so it's not too much of a stretch to imagine a small group of Spirit of Vatican 2 parishioners forming a convoy of VW vans and Toyota Priuses (or maybe even just hitching a ride in order to further conserve fossil fuel consumption) for the purpose of traveling down here and picketing outside my theater. It appears that their EcoChurch Director Che' Lovell (or perhaps his evil doppelganger) is currently scripting a play with the hopes of getting it produced on the stage, or maybe even someday as a movie. (You never know, I hear the Instituto Cubano del Arte e Industria Cinematográficos is always on the lookout for fresh talent.) And it appears the SOViers were hoping to convince me into reviewing the work in progress.Of course, I tried to explain that The B-Movie Catechism is a film-centric blog, but they started going on about the suppression of the freedom of self expression and my being a slave to th
FROGS 2007-10-04 10:30:00 TYPICAL REVIEW"If you’re a huge fan of cheesy ‘Nature vs. Man’ flicks, this one is for you. For anyone looking for something not featuring tons of slimy reptiles and amphibians, look elsewhere." - Scott Weinberg, Apollo Movie GuideTHE PLOTRugged outdoorsy photographer Pickett Smith is cruising in his (non-gas powered) canoe taking snapshots of swamp animals and leaky pipes for an unnamed ecology magazine. (Ya think maybe this is our hero?) Before Pickett knows what is going on, he is capsized by a (obnoxiously loud gas-powered) speedboat driven by two of the Crockett siblings whose family just happens to own the waters the photographer has been exploring. Pickett is fished out and taken to the Crockett island estate where the über-dysfunctional family is gathering for their annual 4th of July (oh, the dripping irony) celebration. As Pickett is something of an ecology expert, he is almost immediately grilled by the Crockett's about the increasing number of abnormally large frogs
SHORT FEATURE: MELIES' TALES OF TERROR 2007-10-17 21:45:00 Here's a little something silent but (cartoonishly) violent from 1903.Kind of leaves you speechless for a moment, doesn't it? Well, don't lose your head over it. Just recall the little quote from St. John Vianney in the Catechism which reminds us that we don't always need words. "My God, if my tongue cannot say in every moment that I love you, I want my heart to repeat it to you as often as I draw breath."(Is it possible I just used a passage from the Catechism's section on the theological virtue of hope just so I could mention that the word is out Pope Benedict XVI has completed his second encyclical which appears to be a meditation on Christian hope? Hmm, could be.)
COMING ATTRACTIONS: DEAFULA 2007-10-17 14:00:00 Trailer? Not a chance. It was pure luck just running across a copy of the movie itself.So, yeah. Deafula. Coming soon.
BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA 2007-10-16 22:30:00 TYPICAL REVIEW"Duke does the Dean Martin shtick (poorly, I might add) while freak-of-nature Sammy takes the Jerry Lewis role, and holy old sheep s*** is he frightening. I can't begin to describe how disturbing this guy is, you just have to see for yourself." - Scott Phillips, Film VaultTHE PLOTNight club performers Duke and Sammy fall out of a plane (oh, if only) and wash up on the tropical island of... Cola Cola. (Seriously, kids, that's as funny as it gets. Better buckle up for a rough one.) The duo are marked for sacrifice by the local natives until Princess Nona intervenes, having falling madly in love with Duke at first site. The tribe instead holds a luau in honor of the pair during which Sammy tells jokes (Stop me if you've heard the one with the punchline "so I bit him". Oh yeah, Sammy goes there.), Duke croons a tune, and Nona's younger, but much larger, sister Saloma becomes hopelessly infatuated with Sammy. (So does a monkey later on. Who knew Sammy was such a chick magn
INTERMISSION: HAPPY HAPPY HALLOWEEN 2007-10-26 23:00:00 Well, it's that time of year. A time for pumpkins, for getting treats, for dressing in costumes. That's right. It's time for the annual Hallowed Be His Name Fall Festivals at your finer protestant churches! It's also that time of year we see quotes like this one from Jerold Aust of The United Church of God. "Halloween is anything but harmless. It focuses one's attention on witchcraft and demonism, which flies in the face of the holy God Almighty! When parents not only allow but also encourage their children to celebrate witches and goblins, they are teaching them that it's acceptable to deal in demonism."There's no denying that a few people (usually teens) with an interest in the occult find some of the darker imagery accompanying Halloween especially enticing and will use it to further their obsession. But does that mean we abandon the holiday altogether? From a Catholic perspective, the answer isn't as simple as trotting out a couple of Bible verses and calling the whole thin
DEAFULA 2007-10-25 22:30:00 TYPICAL REVIEW"The movie itself is all over the board; it jumps from gritty to campy to moving to comic to pretentious so often that I don't really know what to make of it." - Dave Sindelar, SciFilmTHE PLOTLike any stereotypical preacher's kid, theology student Steve Adams is having problems, but his run a little deeper than most. Someone has drained the blood of over 20 people in town and Steve, based on his need for monthly transfusions and vague memories of biting his childhood pet in the neck, is beginning to suspect he may be the culprit. Meanwhile, to make matters worse, Steve's best friend The Detective has brought in the vampire expert from England responsible for killing Dracula in order to help capture this latest blood sucking fiend. To top it all off, Steve's father has a heart attack while Steve is off in the woods having one of his episodes. Right before Steve's father dies, however, he finally tells Steve of the strange circumstances surrounding his birth and the s
SHORT FEATURE: HISTOR'S EYE - THE LOTTERY 2007-10-27 23:20:00 According to the Catechism "Games of chance (card games, etc.) or wagers are not in themselves contrary to justice. They become morally unacceptable when they deprive someone of what is necessary to provide for his needs and those of others. The passion for gambling risks becoming an enslavement.""A lottery is one of the aleatory contracts and is commonly defined as a distribution of prizes by lot or by chance." says the 1912 Catholic Encyclopedia. "It is obviously a kind of gambling if considered from the point of view of the contributories; by the directors it is sometimes used as a means of raising money. Morally it is objectionable if carried to excess as it tends to develop the gambling spirit and distract people from earning a livelihood by honest work. However, if there is no fraud of any sort in the transaction, and if there is some sort of proportion between the price of a ticket and the value of a chance of gaining a prize, a lottery cannot be condemned as in itself immoral."
COMING ATTRACTIONS: HEAD 2007-11-04 14:12:00 Hey, hey, it's the Monkees! One of the very first reader requests we ever received. Can't figure out what to make of the trailer? Not a problem, I'm still not sure what kind of review to make out out of the whole film.
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-11-07 10:08:00 Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. We here in the Newsreel offices took a small hiatus from the celebrity gossip circuit because, quite frankly, how much Tom Cruise can you really take without going mad? (For if you stare long enough into the Abyss, and all that, you know?) Now that we're back, we're going to shift our focus a bit and cover instead some of the news stories that will never make the front pages, the B-News if you will. And what better way is there to start than with a barrel full of monkey stories? Now off to press. DATELINE: SPOKANE, WASHINGTON - MONKEY SAW, MONKEY DID The Associated Press sadly informs us that "Washoe, a female chimpanzee said to be the first non-human to acquire human language, has died at the age of 42 at Central Washington University. Washoe, who first learned some American Sign Language in a research project in Nevada, had been living on CWU's Ellensburg campus since 1980. Critics contended Washoe and so
COMING ATTRACTIONS: LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES 2007-11-13 22:08:00 "Hey, you got your Hammer Studios all over my bad kung fu movie!" "No, you got your bad kung fu movie all over my Hammer Studios!" Yes, it's two great tastes for in one bite as we fill a couple more reader requests. The poster to the left is for the original American release which came out under the title "The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula". The trailer is not available online, but the short clip below should more than suffice.
HEAD 2007-11-13 15:25:00 TYPICAL REVIEW "Hey hey, these Monkees, they don't monkey around, they have something to say." - Ginohn's Haiku Movie Reviews THE PLOT Not applicable. Seriously. THE POINT Have you ever wanted to see: The Monkees commit suicide by jumping off a bridge... twice? Mickey Dolenz use a tank to blow up a vending machine? Davy Jones get beaten to a bloody pulp by World Heavyweight Champion Sonny Liston? Mike Nesmith insult a cripple AND Christmas in the same breath? Peter Tork undergo mental anguish over punching a transvestite in the face? The Monkess debate philosophy inside a vacuum cleaner? A 50 foot tall Victor Mature knock the Monkees into space with a golf club. A cop do a two-step routine in a public restroom? Annette Funicello, Teri Garr, Toni Basil, Jack Nicholson, Frank Zappa, and a talking cow all in the same movie? Well, with Head, you get all of the above (plus some) strung together in a plotless montage of surreal vignettes set to the tune of psychedelic Monkee
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-11-18 16:29:00 Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. Our efforts to provide you with the best of the B-news brings us this week to China. On a serious note, we would be remiss not to mention the precarious situation for Catholics in China, and so we ask for your prayers for our oppressed brethren there. That being said, our intrepid reporters have also ferreted out a number of other less notable stories which contain the essential B-elements you the reader have come to expect from The Newsreel. Now off to press. DATELINE: LAKE KANASI - ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET, HUH? Over the past few decades tens of thousands of people have flocked to a small isolated lake in the Xinjiang Province in hopes of spotting Kanasi Huguai, the Chinese version of the Loch Ness Monster. According to the Associated Press, an explanation for the creature might already have been found back in 1980 when a group of 150 scientific experts studying the lake "discovered dozens of huge red fish,
SHORT FEATURE: UGOKIE KO RI NO TATEHIKI 2007-11-16 11:11:00 As long as we're on our way to China to see what Dracula is up to, we may as well stop off in Japan and check on the supernatural shenanigans there. 1933's The Fox Vs The Raccoon features a battle of the shape-shifters as an intruding Kitsune, disguised as a gun toting samurai, runs afoul of a family of Tanukis. The Moon seems pleased at the outcome. Fr. Robert J. Carr writes "Do you ever think of yourself engaged in spiritual warfare? Often times those words bring up thoughts of exorcisms and heads turning around three hundred sixty degrees. However, in reality fighting temptation and living the gospel are themselves forms of spiritual warfare. Therefore, believe it or not we actually engage in this battle everyday. Further, do not forget that the prize is the most precious treasure we possess, human souls. Our own and those of others." "For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present
NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU 2007-11-15 15:06:00 The holidays aren't quite here yet, so the wretched Fall movie season continues in the theaters. It's slim pickings as far as new releases are concerned. The only person who seems to have gone out to see a movie is Barbara Nicolosi over at Church of the Masses who caught a showing of Dan In Real Life. She goes easy on this one as she's likely still punch-drunk from the beating she received over not liking Bella. Snuffles from the Sci-Fi Catholic decided to stay home and find something good to rent. And it seems he found what he was looking for in Katsuhiro Otomo's Steamboy, a film he believes is "a decent introduction to the wacky sub-genre" of steampunk and a little thought provoking as well. Jack Perry from Cantànima also raided the rental shelves and offers up a slew of three-sentence movie reviews covering everything from Hitch to Bridge to Terabithia. John W. Morehead's from TheoFantastique also found a new DVD while browsing the shelves of his local video store. He wa
SHORT FEATURE: PARTY IN MY TUMMY 2007-11-21 16:17:00 Like a lot of other bloggers, the Thanksgiving holiday (and the obligatory pre-holiday work rush) is slowing up my posting just a bit. I'll get the next review up over the weekend. Until then, here's a short feature celebrating good meals everywhere. (Is it just me or does this little guy look a whole lot like The Green Slime?)All together now...Benedic, Domine, nos et haec tua dona quae de tua largitate sumus sumpturi. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen. Bless us, O Lord, and these your gifts which we are about to receive from your bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen.Mensae coelestis participes faciat nos, Rex aeternae gloriae. Amen. May the King of everlasting glory make us partakers of the heavenly table. Amen.Ad coenam vitae aeternae perducat nos, Rex aeternae gloriae. Amen. May the King of everlasting glory lead us to the banquet of life eternal. Amen.Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
COMING ATTRACTIONS: THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS 2007-11-29 11:29:00
The trailer is classic 50s sci-fi, but it has one problem. Not enough Brain! So enjoy a few more seconds from the movie in the clip below to get your fill of Brain.
LEGEND OF THE 7 GOLDEN VAMPIRES 2007-11-27 13:26:00 TYPICAL REVIEW "From a critical standpoint, the film falls flat despite the filmmakers ambitious intentions. But then, how come I still find this film to be so dang entertaining?" - Mark Pollard, Kung Fu Cinema THE PLOT Dracula travels to China in order to establish an undead kingdom by awakening the legendary 7 Golden Vampires. Unfortunately for the Count, his old nemesis Dr. Van Helsing happens to be in town giving a lecture and is more than happy to renew his night job as monster hunter supreme. Joining forces with the heroic Hsi Ching, his vampire slaying family, and a rich Swedish adventuress, Van Helsing and his son set out to put an end to the newly risen threat. After surviving a number of assaults, both human and undead, the band of international heroes finally arrive at the vampires' temple on the night of the big ritual. Chaos erupts as the Van Helsings, the Hsis, the Swedish gal, and a small army of villagers face off against Dracula, the 7 Golden Vampires, and a leg
INTERMISSION: FOR WHOM THE MEME TOLLS 2007-12-04 00:04:00 Yes, I know I just took an intermission a couple of days ago in order to complain about the whole Golden Compass hubbub, but just as I was settling back down in the auditorium, something else came up. Father Tim from The Spirit of Vatican 2 "Catholic" Faith Community has tagged me with yet another meme. This time around it's the "8 Random Facts" one. The rules call for each tagged person to post 8 random facts/habits about themselves along with these guidelines. At the end of the post, they are to choose 8 people to be tagged and list their names. I have to assume, since I'm on SOV2's banned list, that this is somehow meant to be a form of penance as I'm now forced to try and answer this meme while staying in character. Let's give it a try. That little guy up in the corner of my blog is the vicious Zuni Fetish Doll from the 1975 made for TV movie Trilogy of Terror. As a child it alternatingly filled me with dread and made me laugh hysterically. It's one of the things I
FILM CLUB REMINDER 2007-12-02 08:08:00 Just a quick reminder for anyone interested in having a comment included in our Film Club review of Creature From The Haunted Sea. Please have your comments emailed to me at eegahinc@gmail.com no later than Friday December 7 so I can include them in the review. Thanks.
INTERMISSION: THIS WHOLE GOLDEN COMPASS THING IS MAKING MY BRAIN HURT 2007-12-01 23:19:00 ...and I haven't even read or seen the thing yet. Still, it's a movie, so I feel compelled to throw my two cents in. The film itself is only now getting some early screenings, and some accompanying reviews, so I'm sure the movie proper can be addressed soon. But the movie's director Chris Weitz recently granted a three part Q&A with the MTV Movie Blog and had a few things to say about about a lot of the negative publicity surrounding author Phillip Pullman and his views on religion. [Everything which follows in block quotes are Weitz's words as reported on the MTV site. Also, this is an excessively long post, but I don't want to misrepresent the director. Criticize him, maybe, but not misrepresent him.] I think there's some telling stuff in there. "A lot of people — mostly those who haven’t read the books but are only repeating what they have read in some biased chain e-mails — are saying that Philip is “against religion” or “against Christianity.” These p
SHORT FEATURE: BOBBLE HEAD THEATER - DAVY LEARNS A CHRISTMAS LESSON 2007-11-30 21:38:00 With all due respect to Bobble Head Barbara Bush, there's a wee bit more to Christmas than just the "coming to save us" part. The Catechism actually gives 4 reasons for God taking the time to incarnate.1. The Word became flesh for us in order to save us by reconciling us with God. (Okay, so it's #1)2. The Word became flesh so that thus we might know God's love.3. The Word became flesh to be our model of holiness.4. The Word became flesh to make us "partakers of the divine nature".Well, each of those could easily take up a whole book of their own to discuss. But on that last point, the Catechism mentions this: "To become "children of God" we must be "born from above" or "born of God". Only when Christ is formed in us will the mystery of Christmas be fulfilled in us. Christmas is the mystery of this "marvelous exchange".And THAT'S what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU 2007-12-15 22:58:00 I had considered collecting up a number of reviews of the Golden Compass, but since everyone but Roger Ebert seems to have hated the thing, I think I'll just see what else is out there instead. March Hare from The Mad Tea Party was looking forward to Beowulf, but alas, was disappointed. "The tragedy of this movie is that it didn't engage me." she says. But at least her daughter got extra credit in English for going to see it. D. G. D. Davidson at the Sci-Fi Catholic was more than simply disappointed over Beowulf. Disgust might be a better word. "I dislike this film adaptation of Beowulf for the same reason I dislike 300. Besides displaying violence, sex, and masculine posturing for their own sake, it wants to score philosophical points, yet is consistently dumb." D. G. D. and Snuffles had a little better luck with Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium. "You could do a lot worse... [the movie] is like whole wheat bread: it's bland, but it's wholeso
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