Owner: The B-Movie Catechism URL:http://b-moviecat.blogspot.com/ Join Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2007 20:00:15 -0500 Rating:0 Site Description: One man's desperate attempt to reconcile his love of his Catholic faith with his passion for really, really bad movies. Site statistics:Click here
COMING ATTRACTIONS: THE BLOOD OF HEROES 2007-07-15 19:57:00 visit videodetective.com for more infoA tip of the hat to Che over at The Spirit of Vatican 2 for suggesting this week's movie and D. G. D. Davidson at The Sci-Fi Catholic for jump starting the accompanying religious discussion through his comments on my review of Bloodsport.
COMING ATTRACTIONS: FINAL EXAM (THE NOVELIZATION) 2007-07-23 23:25:00 What the..!?!Don't worry, you're in the right place. This is still a movie review blog. It'll all make sense in the end. (Well, about as much sense as it ever does anyway.)
THE BLOOD OF HEROES 2007-07-23 00:30:00 TYPICAL REVIEW"There's no real drama, no great goal, no moral victory, just lots of jugging." - Richard Harrington, Washington PostTHE PLOTIn a far away time long after an unexplained apocalypse, the remains of the human race are scattered amongst various shanty towns and encampments. The land is desolate and life is hard. But there is one small distraction for the people amidst the bleakness in the form of an ultra-violent sport known as Jugging, a sort of hybrid congealed from Australian rules football, hockey, and ultimate fighting. When a nomadic group of juggers led by Sallow (Rutger Hauer! Rah Rah!) loses a player to injury, small town girl Kidda (who inflicted the injury, naturally) takes his place. Kidda's ambitions (she wants to go pro) and Sallow's history (he was a pro before he got overly friendly with an official's wife) eventually lead them to the big city (well, big in the post-apocalyptic sense) in order to issue a challenge to the professional jugging league. Our h
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-07-25 00:00:00 Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. As no horde of torch wielding mobs descended upon the offices of Eegah, Inc. last week demanding this feature be discontinued, we diligently continue our trek through the wilds of celebrity culture in order to capture the news you really care about. (Okay, so nobody really clamored for it's return either, but our reporters gleefully take your silence as approval.) Remember, today's gossip is tomorrow's bible study. Now, let's go to press.DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD - WHAT GOES STRAIGHT UP MUST COME DOWN... MESSILYMonstersandcritics.com brings to our attention the latest meltdown by American Idol host Paula Abdul after her recent firing from the Bratz movie. In case you weren't aware, a live action movie based on the skanky pedophilia-encouraging line of dolls is scheduled to be released in August of this year. While many might consider being excommunicated from this movie a blessing in disguise, Ms. Abdul was filmed e
FINAL EXAM (THE NOVELIZATION) 2007-07-31 11:10:00 TYPICAL REVIEW"If a movie ever suffered from too much plot, it is this one." - Wooden Spoon's Obscure Horror Movie ReviewsTHE PLOTAfter a couple is butchered at the local lover's lane, students at Lanier College spend the last day of exams talking about it. They also pull some pranks, cheat on tests, question their relationships, consider the future, read some books, try to make a drug deal, eat lunch... Eventually the killer gets bored with hanging out in the bushes and pops out to massacre the majority of the cast in the last 15 minutes.THE POINT(Apologies in advance, I just couldn't find any way to keep this one brief.)Way back in my review of Student Bodies I covered a number of the common cliches in slasher movies. Chief among them, of course, was how "generic young adult stereotypes like the jock, the geek, the slut, the stoner, etc. give into vice and are systematically slaughtered." This lack of character development is one of the longstanding (and valid) criticisms of the g
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-08-03 13:45:00 Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. We're going to keep doing this till someone begs us to stop. Remember, today's gossip is tomorrow's Bible study. Now let's go to press.DATELINE: LOUISIANA - MISS SCARLETT IN THE CONSERVATORY WITH A... MICROPHONE?Film Junk shakes its head in wonder over the news that actress Scarlett Johansson is working on an album of Tom Waits covers entitled (wait for it) Scarlett Sings Tom Waits. The album will also contain duets with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Celebration. In all fairness, the B-Movie Catechism has not heard Ms. Johansson sing, and we dutifully make note of the Catechism when it reminds us that "By means of society, each man is established as an "heir" and receives certain "talents" that enrich his identity and whose fruits he must develop." However, it does go on to add in another section, rather bluntly, "The "talents" are not distributed equally." After 4 volumes of Golden Throats, we here await the impendi
SHOCK WAVES 2007-08-09 00:15:00 TYPICAL REVIEW"First of all, it manages to escape what most zombie movies can't…simply being a crappy movie. If you can at least be an average zombie film, with the glut of all the really bad ones, you're destined to stick out among the crowd." - Dead Kev, All Things ZombieTHE PLOTFollowing an unexplained solar event (a.k.a. yellow filter on the camera lens) a mysterious ship appears from nowhere and sinks a small tourist boat. The water logged survivors make their way to a supposedly uninhabited island where they discover a former SS commander (Peter Cushing, stuck in Moff Tarkin mode from Star Wars, which was filming the same year) holed up in an abandoned hotel. It seems the old fellow has been in self imposed isolation keeping watch just in case his battalion of superhuman underwater zombie Nazis should resurface. (I never get tired of writing stuff like that.) As he explains, using a combination of science and sorcery, the Third Reich created the Death Corps, undead soldiers
COMING ATTRACTIONS: THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON 2007-08-10 20:08:00 A few weeks back, The Curt Jester, author of everybody's favorite Catholic humor blog, had some nice things to say about our own meager efforts here at the B-Movie Catechism. Along with causing a very noticeable spike in the number of folks entering our turnstiles, he also made mention of his affinity for movies with guys in rubber monster suits. It just wouldn't be right if I didn't give him one in thanks for his kind words. (Of course, if you've seen The Hideous Sun Demon, you might be questioning whether this an act of gratitude on my part or not.) Read more:DEMON
INTERMISSION 2007-08-09 23:10:00 Wow, it's been a while since I stepped outside the auditorium. But who wants to? Have you checked the temperature outside lately? I don't know what it's like where you are, but my part of the world has gone all Damnation Alley like. (Hmm, should really review that one sometime.) It's just so nice and dark and cool in the theater. It's already calling to me,"Come back, coooome baaaack". But anyway, I'm in the lobby for a few minutes, and it looks like someone's left a message.Dadwithnoisykids (he's got like thirty of them or something) over at Scorpion Stalking Duck has tagged me with the Why I Love Jesus Meme. The rules on this one are pretty simple. Those tagged will share 5 things they love about Jesus and must tag 5 other bloggers. Those tagged must provide a link in the comments box here with their name so that others can read them. Fair enough. But as my close friends already know, and what those who visit here shouldn't be surprised by, is that I can rarely make it throu
SHORT FEATURE: SMILE, DARN YOU, SMILE! 2007-08-11 20:58:00 Let's see. I've got my feature presentations, my coming attractions, and my newsreels. I even take an intermission here and there. But it still feels like something is missing. Ah Hah! I've got it. How can you possibly have a Saturday matinée without cartoons and such? You can't, of course. So every week or so, we're just going to have to throw one in. And since the shorts are... well, short, that's what the comments will be also. That should just about complete the old matinée experience. (I suppose I could fly to your house, make you some popcorn, and tell you to get your feet off the seats and back on the sticky floor where they belong, but I think we're good with what we've got.) And what better way to start off our short features than with that old classic starring Mickey and Min... er, Foxy and Roxy, "Smile, Darn You, Smile!"From The Catechism: "The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man; it takes up the hop
THE HIDEOUS SUN DEMON 2007-08-17 14:00:00 TYPICAL REVIEW"Word of advice to any future directors out there: never put a word like “hideous” in your title. It’s just too tempting for movie reviewers to use it against you." - Kelly Parks, feoamante.comTHE PLOTShowing up to work drunk, again, Dr. Gilbert McKenna accidentally exposes himself to a massive dose of spaaaace radiation. But instead of getting super powers like that oh-so-cool Human Torch guy, Gil instead develops a strange skin condition. If caught in the direct sunlight Gil "devolves" (yeah, I know, we'll get to it) into a grotesque reptilian creature, a fact he first learns by scaring little old ladies in the park. While his medical colleagues (and for some inexplicable reason, his girlfriend Ann) work on a cure, Gil locks himself away, venturing out only at night to get drunk (again), curse his fate, and hang out with Trudy the town floozy. Unable to completely avoid the sunlight, Gil has a few of his "episodes", getting successively more violent with each one Read more:DEMON
SHORT FEATURE: JAC MAC AND RADBOY 2007-08-22 12:43:00 How's about a little more pedal to the metal excitement to go along with this week's main feature! It's The Fast and The Furious meets Dante's Inferno.Now put down that cold brew-ha-ha and turn to paragraph 1809 in the Catechism where we read, "Temperance is the moral virtue that moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods. It ensures the will's mastery over instincts and keeps desires within the limits of what is honorable. The temperate person directs the sensitive appetites toward what is good and maintains a healthy discretion: "Do not follow your inclination and strength, walking according to the desires of your heart." Temperance is often praised in the Old Testament: "Do not follow your base desires, but restrain your appetites." In the New Testament it is called "moderation" or "sobriety." We ought "to live sober, upright, and godly lives in this world." So BYOB leeches, just in moderation.
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-08-21 00:00:00 Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. It's not getting any more sane out there in the world of celebrity, but we persevere for your sake. Remember, today's gossip is tomorrow's Bible study. Now off to press.DATELINE: THE FINAL FRONTIER - ALL WHOSE YESTERDAYS?For those who remember our review of Final Exam: The Novelization, it should come as no surprise that the canon police are at it again, only this time they're keeping a wary eye on The Federation. Samuel K. Sloan, writing for Slice of Sci-Fi, is slightly suspicious of J. J. Abrams upcoming Star Trek film which appears to feature characters from the original series as youngsters during their days at Starfleet Academy. He writes, "I became more concerned about timelines and how this could all come together without violating the sacred Trek canon that any Trek fan holds as near and dear as a sacred holy book." One wonders what a disgruntled ex-Catholic secular humanist like Gene Rodenberry would
COMING ATTRACTIONS: DOUBLE FEATURE: EVIL BEHIND YOU & THE BURNING HELL 2007-08-31 20:50:00 Well, we've now passed the six month mark here at The B-Movie Catechism and it's just in time for our 25th review. To celebrate, we're going to have our first double feature in which we GO TO HELL! First up is 2006's Evil Behind You, a direct to video horror/thriller produced by the folks at Given The Boot Ministries in hopes of bringing the Christian message into the secular environment. You can view the trailer here at the movie's official website. After that we take a look at 1974's The Burning Hell, evangelist Estus Pirkle's 16mm fire and brimstone epic which promises to deliver 20,000 degrees fahrenheit and not a drop of water! There's no trailer, but you can buy or rent a print from Mr. Pirkle himself at his website, or you can just watch the whole thing (in eight parts) on YouTube.
EAT MY DUST 2007-08-31 01:00:00 TYPICAL REVIEW"Eat My Dust, which opened yesterday at neighborhood theaters, is an exuberantly idiotic movie... The cast, directed by Charles Griffith, who wrote the screenplay, acts as though Eat My Dust matters. It doesn't." - New York TimesTHE PLOTHoover (played by the director of A Beautiful Mind and Cinderella Man) has a "going nowhere" job refilling hand towel and toilet paper dispensers. He still knows what he wants out of life though, and that's Darlene, the prettiest girl in all of Puckerbush County. But unfortunately for Hoover, Darlene has one condition before she'll go out with him; she wants a ride in a fast car. In particular she wants a ride in the 700hp Camaro that just won the race at the local track. So Hoover does what any sane man would; he walks into the pit and "borrows" the car in front of God and everybody, including his own father, the county sheriff. Joined by as many teens as can squeeze into the back of a Camaro (a surprisingly large number), Hoover and
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-09-26 22:45:00 Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. Listen to them, the children of the night, what music they make. No really, listen. Things are still a little off-key out there in celebrity land, but that's okay, because today's gossip is tomorrow's Bible study. Now off to press.Variety music reviewer Phil Gallo is quite impressed with Joni Mitchell's latest release Shine. He especially likes the title track in which he believes "like so much of Mitchell's great work, there's a sense of hope that's there for anyone who choses to listen closely." So we listened closely. "Shine on Reverend Pearson, Who threw away, The vain old God, kept Dickens and Rembrandt and Beethoven, And fresh plowed sod" she sings. The Reverend Pearson reference we can decipher. He's the fine fellow who recently got the boot from Oral Roberts University and lost thousands of members of his congregation when he started preaching there was no hell. Fair enough. As our last review no
DOUBLE FEATURE: EVIL BEHIND YOU & THE BURNING HELL 2007-09-22 00:45:00 EVIL BEHIND YOUTYPICAL REVIEWS"Stripped of in-your-face blood and gore, adult language and nudity, Evil Behind You is a supernatural film that refreshingly promotes both the power of prayer and consequences of non-faith, but sadly fails to deliver any of the promised good old-fashioned terror." - Brandi L. James, Reel ReviewsTHE PLOTLisa and Debra awaken in a sealed windowless room with no idea where they are or how they've gotten there. (The noticeable lack of blood and excrement should at least reassure them that they're not stuck in the latest Saw sequel.) In the center of the room Lisa's boyfriend David and Debra's husband Tony, along with two unconscious strangers, lie strapped to gurneys. It seems the couples have been kidnapped by Islamic terrorists who have injected the men with an experimental formula in hopes that it is the antidote to their latest biological weapon. You see, the diabolical villains plan on inoculating themselves with the antidote before releasing the vir
NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU 2007-09-18 20:25:00 It's hard to imagine that anyone who reads this blog is unfamiliar with The Sci-Fi Catholic, but just in case there are one or two who haven't found their way over there yet, now is the time. Our pal D. G. D. Davidson has proven his bravery by trudging his way through the entirety of The Burning Hell and I can tell you from experience, it ain't easy. His comments on the theological problems a good catholic would find with the film are, as always, very insightful and graciously frees me from having to address them myself. My usual goofy take on the film will be up in just a day or two.While you're at the Sci-Fi Catholic, you might also want to check out D.G.D. & Snuffle's reviews of the Korean CGI fest Dragon Wars, The Invasion starring Nicole Kidman, the anime classic Akira, and the Neil Gaiman adaptation Stardust. They seem to have liked a grand total of one of them, but I'm not saying which. You'll just have to read them all.Other than that, we're stuck in the celluloid w
SHORT FEATURE: LOVE STORY 2007-09-16 22:40:00 Okay, so I'm supposed to make my "big" return with the promised review of our hellish double feature, and I will in just a few days now that the work crisis is becoming manageable. But I'm suffering from blog withdrawal (Is that normal?) and happen to have some old writings lying around. All I really need is an excuse to throw something quick together in order to get my blog fix.Well, what do you know? Today marks the 18th anniversary of my wedding date, which is momentous enough. But my wife counts everything by our first date, which means yesterday was actually our 20th anniversary. (Using either date, that's really not enough time yet to have spent with this wonderful woman.) A few years back the folks who run my parish's religious education program asked me to write a little something about biblical interpretation which they could use as a starting point for further discussion. For some reason, I decided to approach the subject using the story of my first date with my future w
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY 2007-09-09 21:04:00 Well, that'll teach me to watch movies about getting dragged down to Hell. Out here in the non-cinematic world the eldest of my business partners has decided to take off a few years earlier than anticipated. As a result I've gotten tied up completing some of his assignments as well as my dealing with my own substantial workload.I've only got the most basic of stat counters on the blog, but it's enough to know I've got a few regular readers out there. So I just wanted to drop a quick note and say thanks for the support so far and hope you'll bear with me as it will probably be the end of the week before I can get the next review out.I'm sure those of you who enjoy things like eating and paying the bills will understand.
SHORT FEATURE: SWING YOU SINNERS! 2007-09-05 19:39:00 Paragraph 1021 of the Catechism reminds us that "The New Testament speaks of judgment primarily in its aspect of the final encounter with Christ in his second coming, but also repeatedly affirms that each will be rewarded immediately after death in accordance with his works and faith." In honor of Going To Hell Week here at the B-Movie Catechism we give you the 1930 Max Fleischer classic Swing You Sinners! in which Bimbo receives his just rewards. In song no less.You're so wicked baby, and you're depravedYou can raveIt's apparent that you have misbehavedTo your graveBut if you should wanna be savedJus' behaveSwing you sinners!
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-09-04 22:50:00 Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. Sorry about the pants thing, but if Britney and Lindsay can do it, why not us? Maybe our first story has a clue. Now off to pressDATELINE: VENICE - GO AHEAD AND CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT, BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS ALREADY SEEN ITMaking the rounds at The Venice Film Festival, IMDB News overheard actress Keira Knightley commenting on the recent behavior of other young female starlets. "I'm not going to get blind drunk and then stumble out and fall over an puke up in front of people. I'm not saying I don't do that in private, but I try not to. The whole celebrity thing is not magic. They're real people proving they're s**ttier than everybody else because they don't even wear knickers." Perhaps Ms. Knightley once heard someone quote The Catechism where it states that "modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden." That probably goes double if it's supposed
SHORT FEATURE: THE ADVENTURES OF JUNIOR RAINDROP 2007-09-27 22:50:00 "Just what I feared, he's formed a gang!" Is this short a lesson in environmentalism or a warning about the greater danger of delinquency in kids from single parent households?Either way, the Catechism tells us that "The dominion granted by the Creator over the mineral, vegetable, and animal resources of the universe cannot be separated from respect for moral obligations, including those toward generations to come." It doesn't specifically mention managing resources in order to avoid the roving gangs of vicious killer raindrops, but I'm sure it's covered in there in principal.
NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU 2007-10-10 20:50:00 The purgatory that is the Fall movie season continues in megaplexes everywhere, but there are still a few things to go see if you look hard enough.Fr. V over at Adam's Ale got a chance to see Toronto Film Festival favorite Bella and was so impressed that he's looking for some folks in Cleveland "to get together again for eats, a movie, and discussion" just so he can see it again when it opens wide on October 26th. The movie has no monsters, but it does have Eduardo Verastegui, the Brad Pitt of Latin America, which is almost the same thing isn't it? (Actually, I here this one is pretty good.)Speaking of Brad Pit, um... the Brad Pitt of the United States, khall356 from Some Have Hats has a few words to say about Mr. Pitt's latest opus, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. (A movie undoubtedly named by the same long-winded guy who titles all of the Vatican's official documents.) It seems khall356 was enjoying himself until one scene which "was just wrong in as
SHORT FEATURE: MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY CONQUER THE BED BUGS 2007-10-08 07:55:00 Hmm, we seem to be having double vision this week.Since I found it necessary to make mention of some of poor Mary-Kate's personal problems in the most recent Newsreel, let's even the tables a bit by letting her and her sister Ashley be the heroes this time around. Here's a little something from one of the NYC Flicker Super 8 Festivals. Although I'm fairly certain the animator considered the inclusion of praying to Jesus as nothing more than a punchline, he might be pretty surprised how close to the truth he actually is. Fr. Thomas D. Williams reminds us that "we may not feel it right away, but all experienced pray-ers know, that God answers every prayer we utter. True, he does so in his own time and in his own way, but that is part of the adventure of living a personal relationship with your Creator." You just never know in what unexpected (sometimes even bizarre) ways prayers will be answered.Of course, waiting for the answer can be the hard part. Father Joel Sember, one of a pair
WEEKLY NEWSREEL 2007-10-07 22:30:00 Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Under the banner of "today's gossip is tomorrow's Bible study", the Newsreel has always taken a sarcastically humorous look at the craziness surrounding the world of celebrity culture. But not everything s funny. Now off to press.Back in August, the Newsreel reported on an accident which occurred during the filming of Tom Cruise's latest work in progress Valkyrie in which a number of extras were injured. Although the courts eventually ruled that the extras themselves were at fault, the Newsreel took issue with the German government's handling of the press release which amounted to "nobody of any importance was harmed in the incident." We are more impressed with Warner Brothers recent response to another incident, as reported by Variety, in which a special effects technician was killed while working on the upcoming Batman: The Dark Knight. "The studio said producers, cast and crew "are deeply saddened by thi
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