The manipulative husband cajoled wife for a quiet drive in their sporty convertible through wooded roads. The wife had chosen to drive. Then husband broke the news, "I am divorcing you after all this sex starved life with you."
The speed of the car increased and crossed the legal speed limit. The husband continued, "I want to give you a piece of my mind that you are nothing but an
* "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
* "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
* "There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
* "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
* "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
* "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
* "Anything else you want to say? You've
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of a hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" his wife asked. "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation. Don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right," he said.
"She was just trying to comfort you," his wife said. "What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me," he answer
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a perso
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Bob was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration."Tell us, Bob, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"Bob responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self re
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to" A Bloody
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself."Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if
A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7 months pregnant. In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through. All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him."Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would," says the lamaze instructor
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light. Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead? I don't think so.""Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door. Does it l
"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas.""Well, what if I do? It won't hurt.""Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven.""Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up there."—I.C. Curtis._________________short funny jokes
HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)—"I think you iss a stupid fool!"MONSIEUR—"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we both mistaken."—Life._________________short funny jokes
When my wife's sister, Patty was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gatheredaround the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over
There were four country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry. "Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to thetape, he shook his head."This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
In Jerusalem, a Reuters journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.'I'm Rebecca Smith from Reuters. Sir, how long have
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store."That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him."I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his
A farmer has three sons.One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.His father says, "Son, come with me."He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."The boy was not too happy but he did und
Emma was nearly 10 years old. One day, she comes home from school and says to her father, "Daddy, I need a national costume.My teacher told all of the class to come to school next Monday wearing our national costumes."Oy vay!" he cries. "She's not even ten, already, and she wants a mink coat!"
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabb
Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds.""That's just it, Doc, I know I haven'
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he were here today."The first student raised her hand to volunteer."Marcy,"
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two alie
There was an Irishman, a Russian and a Japanese man, all set out on a journey looking for work. They go by a quiet little dusty town and see a sign advertising work in the local coal mine. The pay is great, so they go off and look for the boss. They find him and he tells them "Well, you know, I don't usually hire foreigners here, but you three seem like a nice bunch, I'll give you a try. I want yo
She'd been taught 'housework is a woman's job,' but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!Turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.The nigh
When a woman goes to her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," she really means "I don't have anything NEW to wear."When a man goes to his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what he really means is "I don't have anything CLEAN to wear."
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin
You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge."Yes," answered the suspect."And what did you steal?""A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject."One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!""Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."
A young Rabbi, fresh out of a Brooklyn Yeshiva, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse an an
The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector."How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel."Many, many Chinese!" replied the exc
There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal s
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?""Oh yes, very much," he said, "but y
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A
Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely pissed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender."What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap."No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"Luigi said, "Everytinga was a perfecto except for da traina ride down.""Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni."Well, we boarda da train at Grand Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about the many things of life... in between... we talked about the idea of living or dying.I said to her, "Darling, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die.
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?""The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl."Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.As he approached the receptionist' s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE
On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!""I suppose,
An English gentleman travelled to New York City one rainy summer for the funeral of an old girlfriend.Having packed in a hurry, he forgot to bring his galoshes.Not wanting to ruin his shoes in the mud that was sure to be at his departed friend's burial ceremony, he went to a shoe store."Pardon me." he asked the clerk, "Do you have any black rubbers?"The confused clerk said he did not, but directed
A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded
I forget things. All the time. Even important stuff, like my wife's birthday and our anniversary.This year, I had an idea for solving my dilemma. I set up an account with the florist, with instructions to send flowers to my wife for every important event -- Mother's Day, Valentine's, birthday, anniversary. .. even the anniversary of our first date. And with each batch of flowers there was a note:
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wondersSuddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy what are those two spider
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not bepenalized for
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature. " After complaining for several minutes, he
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'Passenger: 'Who?'Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybo
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone..."Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back."Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just c
A young man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.The young man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special. "At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive ar
Seventy-six year old Grace was watching TV at home late one afternoon.Presently, the 5:00 news came on. The lead story was traffic mayhem on I-95 due to a car going down the highway the wrong way.Grace suddenly realized her husband was traveling home on that very same highway. Concerned, she reached for the phone and called him on his cell."Harold," she said when he answered. "Are you still on I-9
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car!BOOM! And they both died.At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter."Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?""Hmmm," replied St. Pete
We recently placed a call to the Mental Health Hotline because one of our associates was feeling a little edgy. They really have covered all the bases. Here's what we got:"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline....If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.If yo
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.This was too
One of the military's largest transports got stuck at the end of a runway atop the I-564 overpass for more than 16 hours. It was unable to turn around at the West end of Chambers Field at the Norfolk Naval Station. The incident forced the closing of the field to all but helicopter traffic and made for a dramatic sight for hundreds of motorists passing beneath it during morning rush hour."That thi
Check out this really funny Hippo Thong YouTube video by "KOZO the Summo Hippo". Kozo, a fat purple hippo wears a thong and dances to the song "Thong Song" originally recorded in 2000 by Sisqó of Dru Hill for the Def Soul label. Watch the hippo's cool dance moves!
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.(c) After wrecking your boss' car.(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".(e) When she is using her teeth.3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.The doctor replies, ' Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.'The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no ob
Dear Walter:I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my
Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger sign that reads:"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in front of Kathy's yard.Johnny'
The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me.""Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy."Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy."Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked."A jack!" replied Andy.
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.""So what do you do?" asked his friend."I send him to MY room!"
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.""No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded."I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?""I
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.""I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea," the widow replied. "I simply thought it would be better f
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bea
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregar
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.Since I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour la
A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes ?The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight attend
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher ass
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline.I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan.I explained that I was feeling suicidal.They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.
If a bra is anupper topper titty flopper stopper,and a jock strap is alower decker pecker checker,and a roll of toilet tissue is asuper duper doody pooper scooper,what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of two beautiful twins!"Amazed, the man says, Great! I am the manager for the Minneasota Twins.The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of three beautiful triplets!"A
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, whic
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchangeOfficer: May I see your driver's licenseDriver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicleDriver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen.Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.'Well', said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?''Oh mama', she replied, 'The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic'.Suddenly she burst out crying.'But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awfu
Bonnie heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end. "Hello, is this Bonnie Goldman?""Yes.""We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right now. You will have to survey your own briefs."
While at the Benihanna steak house, my son-in-law began choking on some thing that was in the fried rice. Our cook had severed a finger joint making the food and I thought maybe that was what perhaps choking my son in law.My daughter who has had Red Cross training knocked her husband down and jumped on him with her knees in his chest and had both hands around his neck.It worked and he coughed up s
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is."Well," the man says, ...
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is."Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse.""What kind of question?" the neighbor asks."My wife asked me if I would s
A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as th
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?""No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see park
Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."The second woman commented...
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.The winners are:1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4. Esplanade (v.), to attem
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the ...
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure.""Don't you think you
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to th...
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I ha
A man ordered a soup in the restaurant but, as soon as the soup arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I HAVE SPIT IN THE SOUP".Once he returned, he found a message on the same napkin: "ME, TOO".
