When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.""I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea," the widow replied. "I simply thought it would be better f
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bea
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregar
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.Since I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour la
A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes ?The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight attend
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher ass
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline.I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan.I explained that I was feeling suicidal.They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.
If a bra is anupper topper titty flopper stopper,and a jock strap is alower decker pecker checker,and a roll of toilet tissue is asuper duper doody pooper scooper,what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of two beautiful twins!"Amazed, the man says, Great! I am the manager for the Minneasota Twins.The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of three beautiful triplets!"A
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, whic
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchangeOfficer: May I see your driver's licenseDriver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicleDriver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen.Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.'Well', said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?''Oh mama', she replied, 'The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic'.Suddenly she burst out crying.'But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awfu
Bonnie heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end. "Hello, is this Bonnie Goldman?""Yes.""We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right now. You will have to survey your own briefs."
While at the Benihanna steak house, my son-in-law began choking on some thing that was in the fried rice. Our cook had severed a finger joint making the food and I thought maybe that was what perhaps choking my son in law.My daughter who has had Red Cross training knocked her husband down and jumped on him with her knees in his chest and had both hands around his neck.It worked and he coughed up s
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is."Well," the man says, ...
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is."Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse.""What kind of question?" the neighbor asks."My wife asked me if I would s
A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as th
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?""No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see park
Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."The second woman commented...
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.The winners are:1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.4. Esplanade (v.), to attem
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the ...
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure.""Don't you think you
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to th...
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I ha
A man ordered a soup in the restaurant but, as soon as the soup arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I HAVE SPIT IN THE SOUP".Once he returned, he found a message on the same napkin: "ME, TOO".
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.
The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home. That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared.After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain."What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain."Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student."What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain."Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student."And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would y
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain."What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain."Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student."What would you do if another storm sp...
A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says"Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".So t
A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says"Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".So t
A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says"Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".So t
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied."Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied."Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied."Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared."I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.""Poof!" said the genie."You're a housewife."
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared."I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.""Poof!" said the genie."You're a housewife."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure", she protested. "I
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure", she protested. "I
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure", she protested. "I
One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *
One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *
One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!""Woah, what the hell happened to him?""Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!""Woah, what the hell happened to him?""Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand
After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open durin
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?""Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?""Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"
A fire fighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed the little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look."That sure is a nice fire truck", the
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue play standing until Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue play standing until Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one.
A lawyer dies and is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates."Before I can let you in," says St. Peter, "I need to know what you've done in your life to earn your place in Heaven."The lawyer boastfully says, "Last week, I gave a quarter to a homeless guy."St. Peter considers this for a moment and then says, "Well, that was a decent thing to do, I suppose, but it's not really enough to get you inside.
Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior.When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wif
A language teacher was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or femine. "'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is masculine -- le crayon."One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"The French teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun, she split the class
A language teacher was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or femine. "'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is masculine -- le crayon."One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"The French teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun, she split the class
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a strikingly beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymph
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a strikingly beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymph
The minister was shaking everyone's hand while we were leaving the church. I shook his hand and said, "Reverend, that was the worst sermon I've ever listened to. It was terrible."As the minister stood there dumbfounded, My wife stepped in, trying to help. "Please don't pay any attention to him, pastor. He only repeats what he hears others say."
Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. 'It ain't my fault,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this on my. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!'Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting worst fears.Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and
Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. 'It ain't my fault,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this on my. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!'Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting worst fears.Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb-founded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney."Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!""Yes, I saw it! " replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb-founded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney."Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!""Yes, I saw it! " replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened."Well, Dad," said Pete, " I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.""Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair.""I know, but I never thought he'd choos
A Scottish soldier in full military dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically.'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.'Six pence,' say
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.There was much yelling and bickering about
Little Susan was her mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing."Susan," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place.""I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her."Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.""But officer, I just wanted to say....""And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Luc
While recently riding on the bus standing up, a friend of mine grabbed onto the pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road. She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the same pole, staring at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other way.Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said,"Excuse me. This is my stop."Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend was slightly confused."Well," she said, "go ahead.""And this is my pole," the young man said.My friend was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain.
An old couple were sitting in church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. She leaned across to her husband and whispered,"I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"He said,"I think you should get batteries for your hearing aid."
A professional photographer, at a friend's house for dinner, was asked to show his Portfolio forms a recent overseas trip. His friends were quite impressed "what wonderful Photos! "Said the wife" you must have a very expensive camera."The photographer just Smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said "Thank you for the delicious mealYou must have very expensive pans!
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy."His friend replies, "How so?""His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."
A property manager of an apartment complex was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions."Professionally employed?" he asked."We're a military family," the wife answered."Children?""Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly."Animals?""Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
There was a preacher who's wife was having a baby, so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.After 6 children this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children would cost the church. Finally the preacher got up and spoke tothe crowd,"Children are a gift from God, he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said." rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much ofit, we wear rubbers, and the congregation said, "Amen"
One day, a blond and her male co-worker are sitting in the lunch room, and the guy says, "I can't take anymore today, I am going home!" The blond replies, "You can't just get up and leave. You'll be fired!". "Not to worry, I am going to be sent home. I have an idea." the guy says and leaves the room.The blond finishes her lunch and heads back into work, to see her co-worker hanging upside down from the ceiling, yelling over and over, "I'm a lightbulb!". The owner hears this and comes down. He takes one look at the guy, hanging upside down, yelling he is a lightbulb, and sends him home for the rest of the day, with pay, so he can rest, because he has obviously been working to hard.The guy gets down off the ceiling, thanks the owner and leaves.The blond turns around and starts to leave.
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man fro
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you w
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. " No go.Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way."Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope."Nuts and Butts? " Uh uh."Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go."Loons and Moons?" Forget it.Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr Smith a
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate and resigned herself to an evening of TV.No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're still not ready!?"
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings."“I had no Monet ..“to buy Degas ..“to make the Van Gogh.”See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ."
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You for participating in the Airlinr's physical fitness program."
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tellsof the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. And I can spend all night on the computer!"
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday."I'd love to be six again," she replied.On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"One ey
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"
