Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,It's about God damn time that you spoke up and defended yourself from all of those crazy folks on the God damn Internets. You have every God damn right to look as you please and shame on all those folks who were makin' all those accusations about you. Hell, I'm a fan of a healthy lookin' woman. My wife can throw back an entire bag of brown sugar in one sitting, and I think that's sexy. It's gets my lil' Wilford all aggressive and what not. That's when the sex begins. So, I think it's great that you put on a few extra pounds recently. You sure as hell don't look bad, although not as good as my wife. Good thing too, or else you'd have ole Wilford knockin' on your God damn door demanding some lovin'. And I don't take no for answer (nor do I need to cuz I'm so God damn desirable).The only reason that I'm writing to you is to warn you about The Diabetes. You still are thin by most standards. Hell, my left thigh weighs more than you. But
Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. I'm spittin' mad and there ain't enough Quaker Oats oatmeal in the world to calm me down. This whole God damn world is going to hell, and nobody's doing shit to stop it. Every day at 3:47 PM I sit down to take a big ole Wilford on the terlit, bringing in my newspaper of course, and sure enough I read a new God damn article about Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, or Paris motherfucking Hilton. Enough already. Get a job you God damn hippies. If there's one thing this ole codger hates it's good for nothing tramps that go cavorting and gallivanting around town wearing who-know-what and doing who-knows-who. It pisses me off real bad, and I ain't a guy to lose his temper a lot. Okay, that's a God damn lie. I lose my temper when a British person says "shhedule" or when a VCR blinks 12:00 or even when a cat sneezes. Hell, I've lost my temper so many times, I ain't remembered what's it like to be in a good mo
Thanks to David F for this week's question. We swear...we actually received some e-mailed questions to Wilford. Keep em' coming to pleasedoitmshewitt@yahoo.com.*******Dear Wilford,Is bathroom sex appropriate for the work place? If so, what can I use to clean up the mess?Thanks,David FDear David F,Thanks for your God damn question. Of course bathroom sex is appropriate for the workplace. Hell, I used to do it all the time when I worked as a blacksmith. I don't do it anymore as I have The Diabetes and don't want to mess around with my God damn blood sugar levels. Also, I stopped having sex 10 years ago as I can orgasm simply by yelling at my prostate. That's just the type of man I am. But since I have more testosterone in my God damn pinky than you probably have in your entire body, you probably should have yourself some bathroom sex. Just don't pick a damn fat chick. You gotta have yourself some standards.The key to a good romp in the workplace bathroom is the handicap
Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,It's been a long God damn time since I last spoke to ya'. I ain't gonna apologize for the delay as it's my God damn prerogative when I want to say something. You should be happy whenever I grace your life with my God damn wisdom. So don't be complaining to me. Just accept me and move the hell on.So I gots a lot on my mind today as there's a lotta crap going on in this world. And it's been pissing...me...off. Let's go through each God damn thing:1. Britney Spears has been going around flashing her God damn clown's pocket every which way but Sunday. That ain't what a lady is supposed to do, but then again, she ain't no lady. Now I ain't one to sermonize, but I think all you young fellas these days spend too much time worshipping these God damn airheaded-meat-curtain-showing harlots and hussies running around Hollywood with their vay-ginas in the air and their heads in the clouds. That creates a culture of coochie, which is not the cu
Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,Another day, another God damn dead starlet. As you all know by now, that big-boned and big boobed hussy Anna Nicole Smith died for as-of-yet undetermined reasons. Am I sad? You bet your God damn Diabetes-riddled ass I am. Like any person over 70 years old, I once had sex with Anna Nicole Smith. She was the best damn lover I ever had, and I sure as God damn hell will miss her. You should too, and I'll tell you why.For starters, she didn't have The Diabetes, but she still checked her blood sugar and checked it often. Hell, I know many people with The Diabetes who don't check their blood sugar, and that's just wrong as a paraplegic marathon runner practicing on a treadmill. The fact that she proactively checked her blood sugar levels tells me that she had class. Now you're gonna hear many of those God damn news shows say she was a drug user and crazy woman. Don't trust em'. Hell, I never trust a man whose first name is Wolf. What kind of G
