It looks like an early spring this year as NYC's local groundhog, Staten Island Chuck, also known by his middle name, "Sal," was apparently unable to smell the stench of the Fresh Kills Landfill this morning, staying out of his winter hole instead of quickly retreating back in as he usually does this day every year, in the annual ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo.
Hollywood reporters are abuzz after Lindsay Lohan checked herself into rehab for alcohol abuse a few days ago. One was overheard excitedly saying, "Thank God. It's really been too long since someone pulled a good "Drew Barrymore.'"
The Christmas trees are going back up at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport after a local rabbi agreed not to file a lawsuit for the placement of a menorah. Instead, he now plans to use a much more effective and culturally traditional method, constant whiney nagging.
A Seattle-area rabbi agreed to drop his legal request for the presence of a menorah at the Sea-Tac International Airport and officials have put the offending trees back in place, though they're now calling them "holiday trees." Upon hearing the expression "holiday trees," the rabbi immediately filed suit for the placement of a "winter season 9-pronged candlestick holder." (ed. note, not part of this joke: Really? "Holiday trees?" Really?)
Actor Michael Richards recently unleashed a racist tirade on a stunned crowd after being heckeled during a stand-up performance. When asked for comment, his friend and former co-star Jerry Seinfeld, in his trademark high-pitched nasaly voice, said, "What's the deal with racist Kramer? One minute he's a goofy and loveable tv character, the next he's a ranting bigot. I mean pick an image, and go with it!"
The NY Mets have announced that their new stadium, to open in 2009, will drop the Shea Stadium moniker and instead be named Citi Field. Team president Omar Minaya said, "With this new ballpark, now when people think of the Mets they'll think of both sports corporatization and incorrect spelling"
The new microfiber composite basketball being used in the NBA continues to receive terrible reviews from players, yet Commissioner David Stern maintains it's a superior ball. He must be right, because who would know basketball performance better than a short, nerdy guy in his mid-60s.
Bronx Zoo researchers recently discovered that elephants have the ability to recognize themselves in a mirror after experiments with Happy, the zoo's Asian pachyderm. Happy's first reaction was "wow, this is going to make shaving so much easier."
A Marine participating in the Marine Corps marathon had a heart attack 80 yards from the starting line in Washington yesterday, setting the record for best way to show you shouldn't be in the Marines.
