Jokes

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”The husband replies, “That’s not a big deal in this day and age.”The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”“Tiger Woods.”“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”“Yeah.”“We

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm

Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?’ I learned my lesson years ago: Monkey rape jokes, although almost always very funny, may offen

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable,or get married and wish you were dead.At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:‘Husband Wanted’.Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:‘You can h

The girl with the ruby lips we like,The lass with teeth of pearl,The maid with the eyes like diamonds,The cheek-like-coral girl;The girl with the alabaster brow,The lass from the Emerald Isle.All these we like, but not the jadeWith the sardonyx smile.________________________Read more short funny jokes

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.""I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea," the widow replied. "I simply thought it would be better f

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bea

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.'You ok?' she says.'Yes.' he says.'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.'It's best I stay here,' he says.Click the title for the rest of the joke. Hee hee... An elderly man suffered a

On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity.In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman, the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two nurses who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her l

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called Yam.Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with

Looks like that’s how they do in Winnipeg And how are my little seedlings doing today? I happen to be going to a Billy Joel concert this evening with my woman and my parents. Isn’t that nice? I’m so excited! Also, I’m gay. The Twenty These cheerleaders do a little more than [...]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave."S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?""Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregar

A guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours And got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four

Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it.—Sydney Smith. _________________________Read more short funny jokes

Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school question:"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:"'Dear parents—We are having a good time now at school. George J

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

A guy goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweet-heart. They sit down and talk about the past."How have you been?" he asks."I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.""Bad news first, ma'am.""Well

Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient."Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked."Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

according to fashion indie, a new line of louis vuitton bags recently came out with a new twist on the ever so elegant bags. the line is called “jokes” and each one has a different series of old time jokes by henny youngman.oddly enough i saw these bags at the lv store a month or so ago and thought that they were brilliant. i literally read as many jokes as i could get my eyes on, the bags wer

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you li

Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of As You Like It near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice.One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the building exclaimed with the utmost gravity:"I prithee, malapert, pass me yon brick."

MAN: Hello! ano pangalan mo miss?GIRL: Carmen! kasi mahilig ako sa "CAR" at saka sa "MEN" Ikaw, ano name mo?MAN: Pepe! kasi mahilig din ako eh!!-----------------NANAY: Anak, sabihin mo nga sa tatay mo na hilutin niya ako!ANAK: Tay, tabi ni inay iyutin mo daw tya!AMA: Anak, sabihin mo sa nanay mo wala ako sa mood!ANAK: Nay, tabi ni itay wala daw tya tamod!----------------- BOY-1: Alam mo ba na ang

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump."Reverend," said the young man: "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."The minist

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."The second little boy was to reply by saying,"Hark, a pistol shot!"Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that

When Bob came home, his wife Diane was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed."My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked."I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.""And?""At the end of the letter she wrote:PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to

There were two Sardarjis Bantya and Santya, employed as bombers. They had to place a time bomb in order to explode a building. So they were going on their destination in a car. On their way Bantya asked Santya, "Santya what will happen if the time bomb explodes in this car itself." Santya replied "Don't worry, I have a spare one!!!!!"

One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages."I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September.""Of course your birthday comes first," she sneeringly retorted, "but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels when they were making you."The mother instantly summoned

It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name.""So what did y

A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:"Say, son, got another cigarette?""No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings.""All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well. Will you fix one for me?"The boy did."Don't belie

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administe

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.""Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.Since I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour la

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to hi

Up in Minnesota Mr. Olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train. In due season the claim agent for the railroad called."We understand, of course, that the deceased was a very docile and valuable animal," said the claim agent in his most persuasive claim-agentlemanly manner "and we sympathize with you and your family in your loss. But, Mr. Olsen, you must remember this: Your cow had no business bein

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!""Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!""Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the s

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!""Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!""Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes ?The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight attend

Three women, one German, one Japanese and a Hillbilly were having a chat in the kitchen. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. That was my pager, she said.. �I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her hand to her ear. When she finished, s

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor queries."No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The “famous” lie errr line form Sulpicio Lines’ read by their lieyer errr lawyer Arthur Lim during a hearing quoting a “marine protest” of the shipping company’s Manila Port Capt. Benjamin Eugenio’s report, filed with the Philippine Coast Guard (PCG) during a hearing is one for the book of the absurd: I am taking the initiative of filing this... Philippine political & social events

A Chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an accident not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he witnessed in the car wherein he was sitting.Just ahead of him were a man and his wife. Suddenly the train was derailed, and went bumping down a steep hill. The man evinced signs of the greatest terror; and when the car came to a stop he carefully examined himself to lea

I'm still not feeling well since last Monday. I didn't have a fever either. Dehydrated? Influenza? I just don't know what's wrong with me. My office mate joked on me and said, "baka kinukulam ka..." Kulam pa! Possible! Hahaha!I couldn't live without my cell phone because it's my way of communicating to others but I'm not really into texting. I'm more addicted with other things like blogs and websi

Ok, the old tricks aren’t working on Little Miss and she is demanding that I up my performance level. Tonight during the standard debrief in bed after a hard day of being an eldest child Little Miss turned to me and said “Daddy, tell me a joke…….” Then it hit me - I don’t actually know any [...]

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher ass

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, "I hate all the blonde jokes people say.""Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you," replies her brunette friend.So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver."Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.The taxi drove them, and when they finally got ou

It has been a slow week for jokes. I have gotten a lot of funny pictures and clips but most of them are X-RATED.. *go figure* Here are a few gems: From my cousin in Canada.She is NOT a blonde:   ...

This is a continuation of the funny week posts. Source Customer: “I think I’ve broken my computer! There’s a message across the screen that says: ‘It is now safe to turn off your PC.’ WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!” I’ve done my time in tech support and have managed to live through some very weird calls, [...]

There's a scream from the bedroom. Santa runs in and there's a guy leaping out of the window.His wife, Jeeto, says, "Whaa! That guy just screwed me twice!"Santa says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?"Jeeto says, "Because I thought it was you...until he started for the second one."

"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody is. I asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither, and the young man tells me I can get a money order for $10 for 10 cents. Think of that now!"

A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new."The patient went off gayly to write his letter. He had it finished and sealed, but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers to the floor, lighted on the back of a cock

The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, with this injunction chalked above it:"Keep your eye on this and do your best."

In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was appointed police magistrate."What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was called."Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant."Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded."Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop.""Have a cigar, then," urg

Q: Why did the King go to the dentist?A: To get his teeth crowned.Q: What do dogs eat at the cinema?A: Pup-corn!Q: What's a snakes favorite subject in class?A: Hissssstory.Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?A: Because it's too far to walk.Q: Why do monkeys have big noses?A: Because they've got big fingers.Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?A: A bulldozer!

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

Mary: You look mad, Jill. Why are you so upset?Jill: It's work! My boss gave the job I deserved to another woman! I'm better qualified and have been at the company longer!Mary: Oh, that's a shame! What's the position?Jill: Well, from what I understand, it's on her knees under his desk!

Three women are seated in the doctor's office waiting room one day.The doctor calls the first one in. When he examines her, he sees a big "Y" on her chest. He asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"She replies, "That's from my boyfriend's sweater. You see, my boyfriend went to Yale, and when we make love he likes to wear his Yale sweater.""I see," the doctor says. He completes her examina

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knoc

Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline.I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan.I explained that I was feeling suicidal.They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.

If a bra is anupper topper titty flopper stopper,and a jock strap is alower decker pecker checker,and a roll of toilet tissue is asuper duper doody pooper scooper,what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

1) Long back, people who sacrificed their sleep, forgot their family, forgot food, forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love.Love is always present.. Its

A few quick jokes we have been sent this week Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Wife gets naked & asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ Hubby looks her up & down [...]

A good story is told on the later Senator Vance. He was traveling down in North Carolina, when he met an old darky one Sunday morning. He had known the old man for many years, so he took the liberty of inquiring where he was going."I am, sah, pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of de Lord.""Are you an Episcopalian?" inquired Vance."No, sah, I can't say dat I am an Epispokapillian.""May

Nina, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.The local priest walks by and gives her a glare. "Nina! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?""What?" said Nina. "You got something better to do after sex?"

Ricky, Jimmy, and Stewart were out riding their bikes one afternoon when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens.The three kids noticed a Dalmatian on the front seat of the fire engine.Ricky commented, "They use that dog to keep the crowds back.""No," said Jimmy, "he's just for good luck."But Stewart knew better, "No, that's not it," he said. "The dog is there to give them directions to the

A Company decides to adopt Fridays as Casual Day and they issued a Memo to all department intimating the same.Week 1Memo 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.Week 3Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.Week 6Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not

After his day's sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious- looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste!Those are bull's balls from the bull fight t

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of two beautiful twins!"Amazed, the man says, Great! I am the manager for the Minneasota Twins.The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of three beautiful triplets!"A

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as partof the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines,the captain asked for questions.Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happento step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?""Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the airand scatter oneself over a wide area." Here is yer JokeDuring WW II an American so

If you've been an internet savvy for quite sometime, I guess you're familiar with the Wordless Wednesday link that some bloggers join. Well, I am not a WW member but since I am quite wordless today, a Wednesday, let these pictures do the talking.

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, whic

The worst airline disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon. Rescue workers have so far uncovered 826 bodies and expect to find more as the digging continues.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he woul

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other, both slipped and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his spee