T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX , was asked on a local 'live' radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience."If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say....""Red is positive, Black is negative, Make sure his balls are wet."
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.The 10:00 PM news was coming on..The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'Bob replied, 'I can 't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM News and so I knew he would jump.'The blonde rep
An affluent old man marries a beautiful young woman.Tabloid interviewer asked the woman, "What did it attract you in this Old man that you married him."The woman explained, "I was attracted with a big number of dollars and a small number of days ahead."
By: George EddyHumor is an essential part of our lives, is as necessary as all other fuzzy emotions such as love, anger, etc. It dictates how comfortable we feel at our workplace, with a person we just met and how much money we make (in some cases!). The truth is that without humor we are as good as dead. Humor brightens our day and changes our entire perspective about our daily routines in a second. Yes, that's the power of humor, it is so big that the entertainment industry is currently is above the real estate market (as far as earnings), but don't take my word for it, look it up!. A decent comedian in comedy central makes more money than a mortgage broker without having all the work related stress.Now that we have established that humor is great, an important part of our lives and big
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.....1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up and who has a job.2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other. Cucumber Salad Recipes
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together for people over 50:1. A nose ring and bifocals2. Spiked hair and bald spots3. A pierced tongue and dentures4. Miniskirts and support hose5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads6. Speedos and cellulite7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge10. Bikinis and liver spots11. Short shorts and varicose veins12. In-line skates and a walker Benefits of Advertising
Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife.""What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate.""Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?""She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?""Never mind, let's look for yours!" Arizona Advertising
It Could Happen.....A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal, in a convertible sports car, for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse, in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."Quot
Marketing 101Several friends have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following examples will help clear it up:You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then sa
Wackiest Warning Labels Ever* A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire."* A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."* "Do not use snow blower on the roof."* "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." Famous Sayings
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together for people over 50:1. A nose ring and bifocals2. Spiked hair and bald spots3. A pierced tongue and dentures4. Miniskirts and support hose5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads6. Speedos and cellulite7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge10. Bikinis and liver spots11. Short shorts and varicose veins12. In-line skates and a walker Quotes and Sayings
Catholic mothersFour Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."Rip's BAD Ride
Pet DiaryExcerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! 6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 6:30 pm - OH BOY! DAD! MY FAVORITE! 9:15 pm - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!Excerpts from a Cat's Daily DiaryDay 183 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat d
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Dont forget the coffee!" Quotes
Daily Affirmations for PessimistsDon't try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.Seek, and you shall be disappointed.Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things are going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so. Me either. Spring Chicken Recipes Carnival of the Recipes
Rabbit Anyone???A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."Spring Chicken Recipes
Grandma's Boyfriend A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son,
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) - Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) - Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." - Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. e.g. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." - "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. - While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." - Put up mosquito netting
Mid-LifeI've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fe
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. - Jerry SeinfeldDiabetic Beef Recipes
Blind Date Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:..."AaaaaauuuggghhhQuotationsyfm
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news item:Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? JOHNNY: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same timeTEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM: No sir, I do'nt have to, my Mom is a good cook.TEACHER: Desmond your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No teacher, it's the same dog!TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher.SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. Famous Sayings
Job applicationJohnny and Jerry had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant.""How did you answer that last one?" asked Jerry. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent.""I think I got it right too," Johnny said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist." Best Blogs of 2008
Doctor's OrdersOn doctor's orders, Marvin had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services. Marvin's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of."Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked."I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work."He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him." Best Award Sites
more fast thinkingThis young guy was working in the produce section of the supermarket, and an older guy comes up: "Young man, I'd like to buy a half of a head of lettuce." "Gee, sir, we don't usually sell it that way. Let me ask my manager."He goes into the back room and yells, "Hey, Mr. Benwa, there's some jerk out here who wants to buy a HALF A HEAD of lettuce." He turns around, and there's the customer right at his shoulder. "... and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half."After the satisfied customer leaves with his half a head of letuce, Mr. Benwa says, "That was some fast thinking, son. Where did you learn that? Where did you grow up?" "Aw, 'tweren't nuttin. I grew up in Moose Jaw. It' s little town up in Canada. It's not famous for anything except that everybody there
aHaaaHAA!!!A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom and discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards!" Italian Pastas
Speaking In Different Tongues.....How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....English: I Love YouSpanish: Te AmoFrench: Je T'aimeGerman: lch Liebe DichJapanese: Ai Shite ImasuItalian: Ti AmoChinese: Wo Ai NiSwedish: Jag AlskarAlabama,Arkansas. Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida: Nice Ass, Get in the truck. Italian Soups
Small Town I hadn't fully realized how much everyone in a small town knows everyone else's business until I moved back in with my husband after a short separation. Included in my mail one day was an envelope forwarded from my prior address. Instead of affixing an official change-of-address sticker, someone in the post office simply wrote on the other side of the envelope, "She moved back." Humor and Jokes
Two guys in a bar .......................One says, "Did your hear the news? Our mate is dead!" "My God, what happened to him?" "Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom, he hit the pavement, the the car flipped up and he flew through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "Gosh, what a horrible way to die!" "No, no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe came crashing do
Stolen Vehicle...The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."Jokes
RhymingSunday dinner with my mother Louise, my father Fred, and my three siblings were always lively. On one occasion all of us, except my mother were in a silly mood and we began requesting, in rhyme, items at the table. "Please pass the meat, Pete.""May I have a peas, Louise?""I'd give you the moon for a spoon."After several minutes of this, my mother had heard enough. "Stop this nonsense now!" she shouted. "It's Sunday, and I would like to enjoy my dinner with some good conversation, and not all this chatter."Then she sat down, still in a huff, turned to my father and snapped, "Please pass the bread, Fred."She was not amused when we all burst out laughing. Funny Jokes
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?" Funny Jokes
BereavementA bereaved widow is at her husband's funeral. "We were married thirty- five years before he died." She said, dabbing away the tears. "Never had an argument in all those years.""Amazing," said a woman next to her. "How did you do it?""I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward." Homophones Song
The smart employeeFaced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one hundred dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars. Teaching Spelling
Tunes for oldiesBobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash" Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Beatles - "I Get by with a Little Help from Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" Roberta Flack - "The First Time Since I Forgot Your Face" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now" Quotes
burpDown south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?""Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer."And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?""Sure is, Bubba.""And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?""Yep.""And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?""That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?""Well, I was thinkin' . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with? Funny Jokes
Catholic mothersFour Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...." Easter Recipes
SpellingTwo men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!" Chocolate Recipes
Please Be Patient.....A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs. But as the weeks went by, they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived. He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come." Diabetic Recipes
Catholic mothersFour Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...." Chicken RecipesTurkey Recipes
ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)Are you lonesome tonight? Does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your mylanta and tums?Does your memory stray, To that bright sunny day, When you had all your teeth and your gums?Is your hairline receding? Your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, And its prostate for him.Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? Is your blood pressure up? Good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine?All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot. Helps you run like a well oiled machine.If it's football or baseball, He sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at But forgets what it's for.So your gallbladder's gone, But your gout lingers on, Tell me dear, are you lonesome toni
A Day At The Beach...Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?" "Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried, "How could you be so shellfish!" Easter Recipes
Wish'sMay we get a clean bill of health from our dentist, our psychiatrist, our ophthalmologist, our cardiologist, our gastroentologist, our urologist, our proctologist, our gynecologist, our podiatrist, our plumber and the IRS.May our hair, our teeth, our facelift, our Abs, our honey cakes, and our stocks not fall and may our blood pressure, our triglycerides, our cholesterol, our white blood count, our weight and our mortgage interest rates not rise.May we find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when we get there, may we find a free parking space. And if we need to use a parking space designated for the handicapped may we find one without shopping carts in it. May we be awestruck by the universe's sense of humor as we realize that a profes
Confession....An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"Man: "What sins?"Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"Man: "I'm Jewish."Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"Man: "I'm telling everybody." Easter Egg Coloring
Rabbit Anyone???A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."Easter Quotes
SpellingTwo men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!" Recipes for Easter
Giving New LifeI was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client."It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"Jokes for Easter
BereavementA bereaved widow is at her husband's funeral. "We were married thirty- five years before he died." She said, dabbing away the tears. "Never had an argument in all those years.""Amazing," said a woman next to her. "How did you do it?""I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward." Easter Sayings
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) - Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) - Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." - Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. e.g. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." - "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. - While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." - Put up mosquito netting
His new blonde wifeA young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband."How did you know I was at Walmart?" Love Quotations
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."The next day he phones again and asks the same question.The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."
I've tried to convince myself it really isn't quite this bad.There was a time in history when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand "Living in the Past."We used to go to weddings, football games and brunches. Now we go to funeral homes, and after funeral brunches.We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay. Now we suffer body aches to while the night away.We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and eat our pills.We used to travel to places near and far. Now we get sore butts from riding in the car.We used to go out shopping for all new clothes to show. Now we never bother, there is no place to go.We used to go to taverns and drink a little booze. Now we stay at home alone and watch the evening news.That, my friend is how
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?" Beef Back Ribs
Job applicationJohnny and Jerry had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant.""How did you answer that last one?" asked Jerry. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent.""I think I got it right too," Johnny said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist." Round Steak
Ben and LukeBen Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are having dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Ben picks up the chopsticks and starts eating. Luke is having problems, there is food all over his face, his cloths, and the table, but none in his mouth."What should I do?" he asks Ben."Use the forks, Luke!"Funny Joke of the Day
Little Johnny at Sunday SchoolUpon picked him up after Sunday School, Little Johnny's mother asked him about the lessons that day. He replied with the expected recitation of the Bible stories that the teacher had read to the class, but were shocked when Johnny told them that the class had sung a hymn "about a constipated cross-eyed bear". Upset and angered by this, Little Johnny's father confronted the Sunday School teacher, demanding to know, "the meaning of this." "Oh no, Mr. Wilson," replied the teacher, " the hymn was called, 'TheConsecrated Cross is Bare.'" Quotes
Birth control pills for grannyA doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?""Yes, they help me sleep at night.""Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!" Joke
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." Coloring Easter Eggs
Words with Two Meanings...1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood. Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.........Playing football without a cup.3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.6. FLATULENCE (
ScottishTo be told with a Scotish brogue and add gestures when telling this - don't know how it will "read".One day this young, very large, very handsome member of the Elite Scots Black Guard comes into the local Apothecary.He goes up to the counter, with his kilt swinging from side-to-side with each huge stride. Hung around his waist is a small leather pouch, which he places on the counter, and from it he withdraws a roll of snow-white cotton batting. As he unrolls the batting, the Apothecarian sees a neatly placed stretched out condom.Finally the Guardsman speaks: Whoo much ta be rrrepairrrin' ma rrubberr?The Druggist tells him an amount, at which time the skinflint Guardsman lets out a loud "Hrrumpp", neatly rolls the batting, replaces it in the pouch, pulls the draw-string tight, and S
Small Town I hadn't fully realized how much everyone in a small town knows everyone else's business until I moved back in with my husband after a short separation. Included in my mail one day was an envelope forwarded from my prior address. Instead of affixing an official change-of-address sticker, someone in the post office simply wrote on the other side of the envelope, "She moved back."William Campbell
Three science students went to a pond.The physics student said he wanted to calculate the density of water and jumped into the pond.Then the student of mathematics said that he wanted to calculate the depth of the pond and followed the physics student.The chemistry student waited for about an hour, then finding no trace of the two, he left concluding that both were soluble in water
A laugh is a smile with fireworksAh, another good day; my ISP is still working! A laugh is a smile with fireworks! Hookd on fonix reelly workd fer mee! A watchmaker is someone who doesn't charge extra for working over time. American kids have Nintendo; Japanese children have homework Don't be pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. HowCanIBeCreativeWithSuchALimitedAmountOfSpaceToWorkWith? Go to work in your underwear and the dream will go away. Hocus Pocus' doesn't work anymore; I think they changed the password. I support Merit Pay and Piece Work for politicians. I'd whistle while I work, but all I know are happy songs. This eFriendship works out b/c I am Gemini and you are ridiculous. Please weight...Spell Checker at work.Easter Jokes
I've tried to convince myself it really isn't quite this bad.There was a time in history when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand "Living in the Past."We used to go to weddings, football games and brunches. Now we go to funeral homes, and after funeral brunches.We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay. Now we suffer body aches to while the night away.We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and eat our pills.We used to travel to places near and far. Now we get sore butts from riding in the car.We used to go out shopping for all new clothes to show. Now we never bother, there is no place to go.We used to go to taverns and drink a little booze. Now we stay at home alone and watch the evening news.That, my friend is how
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...The Catholic type supports the ma
The ElephantA man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant (told you) who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry. "There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognise the song?" "No, no," says the elephant "I recognise the keys." Diabetic Recipes
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?""Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.""Well, that's the last straw," storms the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce!""I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm."Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife."Th
SpellingTwo men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!" Pancake Recipes
The stork family sat down to dinner and the Daddy stork said, "Mama, what did you do today?" She said, "I made a young couple very happy this afternoon. What did you do?" The Daddy stork said, "I did the same thing. I made a married couple very happy also." The Mama stork looked at the baby stork and asked, "What did you do today?" The baby stork said, "I scared the Heck out of some college students!" Pizza Recipes
Three wishes A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes."The man says, "Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly what I want. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.He continues. "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.He goes on. "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates. Easter Recipes
Mid-LifeI've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fe
Little Known IllnessesLittle Known Illnesses.AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.PSEUDONYMHOMANIA: Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.ALPOPLEXY: Canine feeding disorder.STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME: Excessive displays of affection.SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.OREOPOROSIS: Disorder cause
Theres always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, Id fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. - Larry MillerBlonde Jokes
